The following is most likely me venting about my situation with my FWS. It is getting depressing and frustrating Plan A'ing my @$$ off and getting hardly a response back. I keep telling myself that it takes a lot of time and patience...

My FWW and I had a relationship conversation the other night. I think that it turned out to be a good conversation (mainly because it didn't result in either one of us crying, talking about divorce, etc.) She did tell me that she has noticed that I am working so hard to get our M to work out and she is very appreciative. However, she doesn't know if that is helping... I am so confused.

However, she did tell me that she figured out more of what she wants out of a relationship right now. She told me that she wants to feel the spark again. Be adventuresome. She told me that she doesn't feel ANY spark with me right now. That is why she cannot be intimate with me. BTW, when I mention intimacy, it's not just SF, but general physical attention (hugging, kissing, etc.). I haven't even tried to attain SF because I know that she is not ready and I'm not sure if I am either.

She told me that when she shows me intimacy now (as forced and cold as it seems), that she isn't sure if she's showing that intimacy because she wants to or because she thinks that's what a wife should do (I thought, "when did you start caring about what a wife SHOULD do??") I didn't know how to handle that one other than telling her that I still feel that a spark is possible and we can get to the point that she can too. I imagine all of the things that our relationship could be if she would show some effort, and it is magnificent. I don't want to let that go...

Is this a normal stage of recovery? When the FWS feels no desire to show affection to her spouse? I feel so lonely and distant from my wife because of this lack of affection. I apologize for my venting with no real point, but I have told her how I feel, but I don't want to smother her with it.

I just have to keep going. Sounds simple, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Thanks for reading...
-DKelly

dKELLY---Wow, you are so young to be having those problems already!!
Let me tell you that I have a son that had been married for five years and HE told his wife, that he did not feel any attraction for her and wanted to separate. My husband and I tried to tell him that those were normal feelings in a marriage, ups and downs of love. There are hills and valleys in all marriages. Well , he did not listened and they separated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

One year down the road, my son knows he made a mistake and he wants his marriage back. But now SHE does not want the marriage anymore!@@@ My son is completely devastated, but he brought this on himself. At the beginning after separating she wanted their relationship to work, and she suffered and cried a lot him. He was very cold and harsh with her, did not care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Tell your wife that there are times when people dont feel as attracted to their spouse, that's natural. As soon as that happens, you cannot start thinking about divorce and separating. YOu have to work thru those times, if there is true love involved. YOu are both very very young, maybe you got married too young. How long did you date??

I am a FWW myself and right after DD, I did not have a attraction for my husband and I did not want to have any SF with him. I was completely turned off, but slowly those feelings and desires returned to me. You just have to be patient and wait until her feelings for you return. And you cannot smother her!!! I hated that from my husband!!! It made me so uncomfortable.

Good luck to you and your wife!!!

MYRTA

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>

dkelly..

time to take a step back and look at your attitude and your energy level of being excited around her..

time to figure out how to get her attention by slipping through the back door...

make her laugh...

think back about non conventional ways you romanced her pre affair and dating....

be a happy person....

put music on in the kitchen...fast music and dance silly with her...

do you celebrate this season..take her somewhere full of people...
whoo her with hot chocolate...every time I mention that someone tells me they live on the beach and it's ninety degrees outside.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> us northern girls can not even comprehend that...

make her a CD on songs she would love...

decorate the outside of your house with crazy awesome christmas lights...

buy a ginger bread kit build it together and start an icing battle....

if sees you getting more and more disgruntled and hurt by her actions it will only help convince her that you and she can't move on and can't get over this...

you must show her hope hope hope....

rent a funny funny video....

so go a different route..one that engages her...but doesn't meet typical romantic overtures...

but go ahead and try some misltetoe...
it is a tradition...

seek out some christmas book or something on the net about the true meaning of christmas...book stores are full of them...

cook her a dinner......

ARK

DK..

listen to Myrta...things change over time...I think back to my high school friends....and after 20 years I am in contact with 2!!

My EX WIFE and I are reconciling....she had an affair (I never knew about)....was wracked with guilt and fog...demanded a divorce....I refused (because I love her)...and lived in hell for 5 years until she finally served me papers...now after divorcing, moving, dating, and having myself a "serious" relationship...we're reconciling. WHY?? Because I told her:

"The doors always open for you"...

after a year she listened....

it's been difficult dealing with our actions in the last year...but we'll get through it....I hope you do too...

Thank you for all of your replies.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Myrta:
YOu are both very very young, maybe you got married too young. How long did you date??

We started dating when she was a freshman in HS and I was a senior. That was back in 1999, got married in 2003. So about four years before we got married. We will be together for a total of six years on March 15 (when I asked her out in HS).

We both felt a bit pressured to get married because of the arrival of our DD and even I have had thoughts of getting a divorce. Right now, I'm thinking more about what we have now and what our future holds. She is more in the "but we married so young, I wasn't ready, I didn't put enought thought into it, etc." frame of mind. Those are all factors, but I feel that what we have NOW is not worth throwing away because of what happened in the PAST. She is still on the fence about that...

Ark- Those are great ideas! Perhaps I just have to let go a little and have some fun. Actions speak louder than words, maybe I need to initiate more spark and tell her less of how I am going to do it...Thanks so much!

SMOMW- My wife knows that my door will always be open for her. Hopefully, once she makes her decision of what she wants to do, maybe she'll see the true value of what that means...

Thanks again to all...
-DKelly