</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what do I do if WH shows up at the house....or I accidentally run into him here in town?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">change the locks already !!!!

If you're home and he shows up, don't answer the door.

If he misbehaves on your lawn, call the cops.

Accidental run-in in town ... he's wearing his invisability cloak... you don't see him....

If he confronts you in town, smile, say "Excuse me, I am busy. I have no time for this right now."

Pep

Hi everyone....

I am home now.

WH left the letter that I wrote him on the entry table.....

"I don't want to do this because I love you a lot more than you realize."

He also left a copy of the e-mail I sent OW's boss.

I believe his brain is so scrambled that he really cannot see what he is doing is wrong.

He's not eating MY cake anymore! You know how if you just eat the frosting, that you can only eat so much, and then you get sick?

Pep.....I will change the locks. And, I want you to know (I'm proud of this myself) that I RESISTED temptation today. Even tho I was within blocks of OW apartment and was tempted to drive be and see if WH's car was there, I did not.

He has not called. I would not have answered if he did. And, by the way, I did call and erase the message I left for WH last night.

Like I said last night, I don't feel bad, but I don't feel good either. But I do feel STRONG!

I have come to the personal realization that if this was all the better my life would be WITH WH in it, then it could not be any worse without him.

Whatever he does, I hope he is happy.

I'm going to be happy too.

Thanks for all the encouragement and prayers. I value them greatly.

K

Oh...BTW

Hi LovingB! You make me smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

K

K,
You sound great. Let him live with this a while. You are doing the right thing. Hang in there!

Thanks Anne.....I'm HANGIN' IN! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

K

k,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I don't want to do this because I love you a lot more than you realize."

He also left a copy of the e-mail I sent OW's boss.

I believe his brain is so scrambled that he really cannot see what he is doing is wrong.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what exactly does he mean??? He doesn't "want to do this?"
What is his intention to leave the copy of the email you sent to OW's boss???

Is he getting "revengefull" or is he saying he doesn't want to "loose you?"

k, I just hope no matter what that you stay strong. I've been on this board long enough to see how it really works.
I've seen so many "break down" and "give in" but it doesn't work that way.

Stay Strong and listen to what Steve Harley tells you! If it is Plan B then do it the way SH explains it!

take care and hugs
bb

Hi bb....

WH "doesn't want to do this" (move out).

When he left the time when he wrote his "suicide" note, he came back in two minutes and said he didn't want to live with OW.

Well, if he doesn't want to be with her, then why couldn't he stay away from her? He doesn't have to worry about lying and cheating on ME now.

I am staying strong. Better this morning. Had a really good nights sleep last night. It feels good to be home.

My stomach is not all twisted into knots, and I'm not a nervous wreck wondering where WH is and what he is doing.

Today, I decorate for Christmas.

Wonder what WH will have to say when he shows up at all the places we had planned to go without me? Will he show up with OW?

Don't really care. If they want to have a REAL BAD time, WH will take OW to these place where OUR friends will be.

BTW....on looking around the house to see what WH took, he took our luggage, almost cleared out his dresser and closet (with what fits him anyway).

I'm glad I hadn't changed the locks before he got his stuff.....he would have kicked one of the doors in, and I would have been left with the repairs (he has done this in the past).

Anyway....still strong here.

K

k,

you are completely on track!!!
So right what you are saying. If he doesn't want to live with OW then there must be something that bothers him. Well, he can now find that out for himself!

He doesn't have to lye and sneak around anymore but I could imagine that it's an "embarrassing" situation for him. He surely doesn't feel comfortable with the fact that others know about it now either.

Let him "live in reality" with this...........and you take the best care of yourself!!

hugs
bb

Someday WH may come to the realization of just exactly what he has lost. That will be a sorry day for him.

My realization is that I have not really lost anything. The only thing WH brought with him when he moved home was his presence. H has not been here in a long, long time.

In some strange way, I kind of feel sorry for both of them. Their lives will be small, and sad.

WH's family is now lost to him. If and when H comes back, he would be most welcomed. Not WH, but H.

I don't know that other man (WH). He is totally foreign to me.

I deserve to be loved. Respected. Admired. I can have that without all the pain, and the daily reminders of not being wanted by someone who doesn't appreciate me.

Thanks bb......hugs to you.

K

K,

I'm so proud of you. If H returns..you have a beautifull future built on respect. If H does not..you have a beautifull future built on respect.

Noodle

Good post K. I am glad to see you keep a positive outlook for you and your family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All the best,
L.

K72172-I am in the same boat as you. I feel the same way you do. I love you quote: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I deserve to be loved. Respected. Admired. I can have that without all the pain, and the daily reminders of not being wanted by someone who doesn't appreciate me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will not be a second choice. I will be someone's first choice. She can blame me all she wants for our marriage. It takes two. I have learned so very much these last 7 months. I am sure I won't make the same mistakes again. Good luck to you stay strong.

I'm still staying strong....even after I was ambushed by WH while I was cleaning out my car today.

Me: "What are you doing here? I thought you would be living with OW now."

WH: "I've been sleeping in my car. I just put my things in the garage. I've got no where else to go. And I can't keep packing that stuff around with me everywhere."

Me: "I don't know about that. I intercepted a voice mail from OW on your work phone Thursday morning. You are still seeing her."

WH: "I've talked to her."

Me: "I told you no contact whatsoever. I'm not going to live like this.....I've been physically ill for the past month. It's all the stress. You can't have us both. I don't want you here if you want to be somewhere else...it's killing me."

WH: "I've been doing a lot of thinking the past two days. I thought I wasn't in love with you. That it was just because we've been together most of our lives. But I have realized that I am very much in love with you. I can't cut the ties I have with you."

Long story short....he says he's not going to "bother" me. He needs to get himself straightened out. He said OW offered to let him move him and his things in with her. He told her no.

I told him I was confused....what was he doing here if he didn't have himself straightened out?

He said again, he didn't want to live with OW. He wants me.

He's gone now. I stayed strong. Told him that if he wanted our M to work out, then he needed to have a plan. He can't ride the fence.

He left. Went to the dive team party. He said "How am I going to explain to everyone where you are at?"

His problem - the consequences of his actions.

Doubt if he comes back anytime soon. Don't want him here until I am SATISFIED that he really wants to be here. He's got a lot to prove FIRST.

He's going to have to WIN me back.

K

K..

I am taking one shot at explaining to you why contact during plan B...especially this type of nonsensical dribble from both of you...hurts YOU in the end...

IF you want his words to have meaning...
his no contact
his being truthful..

then YOU must demonstrate these things in you as well...

so that when you SAY to him that you don't want to speak to him...you DON"T speak to him...

that when you SAY you want no contact with him...you MEAN you want NO CONTACT with him...

this post of bantering between the two of you...

makes your words to have no more meaning than his...

and he loves that..
now the knows you don't mean what you say....

he knows now you will talk to him
he knows now you are willing to engage in something with him...

he has his cake and is eating it also...
because you allow him to....

things you said to your husband..which say to him..
you still want to be part of his chaos...and like being part of his chaos...

I thought you would be living with OW now."

I intercepted a voice mail from OW on your work phone Thursday morning.

I don't want you here if you want to be somewhere else...it's killing me."

I told him I was confused

he got his fix...
he can now go spend time with OP knowing you are still willing to engage with him..
he can play the martyr 'needing space to find himself...

blah blah blah...

that's all I have to say..
it was a useless powerstruggle conversation..that spoke volumes of how you don't really want no contact...

I hope you get it soon..
nothing more ineffective...than not acting out what you believe...

I'm pulling for you K...but you gotta do the work...

ark

It IS hard, K, but please try NOT to talk at all. He read the letter, you have said have a plan. He wants both of you. MAYBE he won't live with OW, but I wouldn't count on it. My FWH used the Plan B and my unwillingness to talk to him as an excuse to drive across the country and see and have sex with OW once again. Because "it didn't matter anyway" He wasn't ready to come home then anyway. He needed to truly see that he ended up with her and was losing me. Went a long way, believe me. The NOT talking to him helped him face REALITY. No, we would not be buddies, no he could not engage with me and get his friendship and intellectual stimulation etc. from me, not while he was with OW sexually and emotionally.

Pick yourself up, stay strong (it is very, very hard not to engage when they try) start again with NO talking. Polite, no smart [censored] stuff, etc. You are doing fine, just tune it up a bit!

hi k <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Interesting convo K. Ambush sums it up nicely. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now go figure this, from an outsider's POV, he didn't tell you he 'luved U until you told him to leave.' Hm...... told you 1st he had no place to go. Didn't even ask to put stuff in the garage and heaven forbid he has to 'lug' his stuff around..... Notice the 1 2 & 3 order? Your feelings are still in 3rd place with him and he is still 1 & 2.

Ok with that visual, you know what you gotta keep doing, right? I hope you are smarter than me in this one..... I messed up quite a few times..... ask Bramble Rose, WAT, Resillient, New Beginnings, RH and others.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I didn't think about being waaay down there, but I was.... but not no mo'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Well, when all is said and done, I guess you guys can't beat me up anymore than I have done to myself.

In fact, I have been alone here all day. Been thinking a lot. About my little family here.

The only person I have to blame for all my troubles now is myself. I have been a doormat for my family. Because I have always done everything for them - out of what I thought was love. The way I thought it should be.

So, here I sit alone (and now all my feelings of sorrow for myself are gone), and I can clearly see how by my not being strong and taking a stand when I should have has put me in this position.

After a great deal of thinking, I'm mad as he!! - at myself. I'm not going to take it anymore.

No further engagement of words - with WH or children.

Time to stop being a doormat. If I'm going to be alone, I'll do it on my own terms.

This whole day has been an eye opener for me personally. Without filling pages and pages of what I think and feel and what I have thought about today, allow me to say.....

THIS IS BS. IT'S TOTALLY MY FAULT. IT'S JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN ANYMORE.

Makes me wonder just exactly how screwed up are we, really?

K

Ok K, now before you go all hari kari on yourself, read my thread on the 5 stages of grieving. Anger is one of them. When it hits, somes the revelation is like a ton of bricks. Nothing new or different, it just finally settles in. Wham!

Now what? You have been hit with the realization that you have been taken advantage of. Finally seeing it. Not to happy about it either, eh?

Ok, now you need to channel that anger in a productive or destructive way. Which one is it going to be?

L.

And BTW....

Ark, you are right. So much blah, blah, blah.

I think I've been waiting for someone to "come to my aid", or "be my champion".

No one is going to do that for me - especially if I can't do it for myself.

This has been one agonizing, soul searching day for me. I see where I stand.....

To WH, children, and everyone.....IT'S A NEW DAY!