I am new here and I need some advice. My W told me she is not sure she wants to stay M. I have had problems for 10 years which were just diagnosed as Clinical Depression/ General Anxiety and I am now medicated. W has agreed to couseling and appears sincere however I believe that she is becomeing EI with a freind on the Internet. The counseling starts soon and I am not sure what to do. This situation took a long time to develop and my anxiety caused me to make accusations which put me on thin ice. I do not want to confront her at this time fearing the M won't have a chance then but I feel my world is falling apart and I have no-one to talk to about it and it seems like forever for the counseling to start. What I want to ask is, should I take steps to collect proof of the relationship (which makes me feel rotten) or just put my trust in God and wait for the counseling to start. We are both Christians and seeing a Christian counselor (W's idea) so that staying together is a priority. I am not without blame for the situation and I sort of understand why she would find what she needs with a friend. I just don't want to destroy our chances before we get started. I love her very much. Thank you.

Welcome, read as much on the main poriton of the MB'ers site as you can, it will help much more than we can in here. Make sure you understand LBing and do your best to avoid it.

Having said that the medication and MCing are both major steps in the right direction for you.

As far as collecting proof of an A my take is that it never hurts to know what you are up against so it could be a good idea to snoop. It can make you feel horrible while you are doing it but than again you have to know what is or isn't going on. I would caution you to not collect the info to throw in your W's face if you find the worst. Hopefully the truth will come out in MCing what ever it is.

Hope this helps some. You are in the right place. I honestly believe that if I had not found this site I would not have been able to handle the fall out from my FWW's A. I can't say enough good things about MBers.

Thank you, Mr. E.

I have been reading MB articles for a couple of days now. Good info. My anxiety is causing me to miss work now and I am afraid that knowing more about the A may just make me worse though I would like to know what I am up against. My W just called and asked if I want to go out with her tonight so there is still a good deal of hope and I'm not sure I want to dash that. Thanks again.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. You have come to a great place.

Of course this will cause your anxiety to grow, but please realize that the worst thing you can do now is to act on your feelings. So instead, give this to the Lord.

Then start Plan A from MB. You can read all about it on the link in my sig line. It is also important to start meeting your wife's emotional needs. There is a questionnaire here that you can print and fill out together.

I won't go into all the help here right now, because there is so much. But relax, keep posting and reading, and realize that you can devlope a plan to deal with this. We will help you do that.

Thanks Believer, I will re-read Plan-A. I think I will let MC start and see how things develop from there. Patience is my biggest hurdle right now. My family is the most important thing in the world to me and I am having trouble not thinking about it all the time. I don't have a lot to do to take my mind off of it.

I will give this to God, as best I can. Not sleeping well lately.

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: canoeshoe ]</small>

Now you can read here. There is a lot of material. But the most important thing is to settle down, see that others are getting through this, and don't get in the way of your recovery. I know, easier said than done.

I think that once you realize that everyone's experiences here are so similar, it helps you not take it so personally.

canoeshoe, welcome to MB. I have one thing to add in addition to what the others say.

Do not underestimate the value of a Plan. I'm not even talking Plan A or Plan B or whatever here. I'm just speaking of a plan in general. I think this is ESPECIALLY true for you, with your medical condition. If you are prone to anxiety then there is nothing quite like a plan to allay your fears. A plan allows you a bit of detachment and allows you to view things from a different perspective. It gives you a course of action to follow rather than willy-nilly just going with our feelings. If you set a plan for yourself, you can look at this plan before you do anything and decide what course of action goes along with your plan.

You've already got a little bit of a plan. You're on meds and dealing with that aspect of the situation. You're going to be starting MC.

The first thing you should do is decide what YOU would like to see happen with your marriage. The trickier part is deciding how to achieve that, but with MB, your MC and our help, I think you can do that. I would make a very general plan at first...and then adjust it as needed.

Good advice maddyk. I will start working on one. Along with MC I will be getting IC also for the Dep/Anx which should help. I know this is going to take time but I really want to get started. It's tough. My Bro is going through a bad sep and both me and W don't want that. I have hope but the waiting is terrible.