<small>[ December 16, 2004, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: ForeverChanging ]</small>

OMG!!! So much of what your WH says is what my WH said in the beginning after d-day. Of course now he's changed his tune.
I really don't know what to tell you. It's a shame that their own selfishness is more important to them than their own family. I'm sorry you are going through this. Stay strong!

Hi FC,

I just wanted to say a few quick things because I have to get to work soon and I want to say more.

First,after being here over a year,that letter/e-mail sounds like the "script".What many WS's say.He sounds like he is running away from his responsibilities.And it is so not true that you give up your hopes and dreams when you get married. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Geeze.What drama.He thinks the answer is someone else I suppose?? What is his age? Is he having a MLC of sorts?

DON'T pay off his debt.That is part of his responsibility.More on that latter and I have to go but I am sure more wil be around soon to give you advice.I'll try to get back to you tomorrow.

O

FC,

I received a similar e-mail from my WS also. At that time, it was clear what I needed to do. Letting go.

The way I responded though was also clear. I let him know that his ILY's for myself and my family were bogus. If that was his version of love, then he needed to take it elsewhere. However his statements about him being selfish were right on the $$ and I told him so. Then I said (sarcastically of course) if he was spending our family $$ on his selfish attitude, then how in the world was his family suppose to see or receive any love? What kind of love was that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I then reminded him that when one marries thier hopes and dreams don't disappear. They mature and improve. If his haven't matured and improved, then maybe that's where he is stuck.

I ended by letting him know I miss my H but not this character who didn't know what real love meant, who preferred to hurt his family in the name of being selfish with another selfish person. I stated, his family (not just me) but his family and true friends wanted H back, not this untrustworthy character he has become. To please let me know when he sees my H that I want to say goodbye in person. To my H not the WS.

Now you have that 3rd party. He isn't your responsibility. As hard as it is, that other man needs to leave.

This c/b a long hard road alone for now but you will be the one in recovery sooner than him. You know this right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Your H still has a chance to return. Not the WS. The WS needs to disappear and take his selfish side with him.

JMHO,
L.

Oct,
If we sell the house. I wouldn't be paying off his bills. It's our bills. I would rather do that then him use the money for foolish things. Plus almost all our bills are in my name. If I am letting him go I don't want the worry of bills still following me.

He will be 29 on New Years day. I have read about MLC and sometimes I think he is going through one. But think he is to young for that. He says it's not about the OW. But he refuses to stop contact with her while living here.

Until he moves out or we sell the house. How do I act towards him. Do I do a motified plan B while we are living together. Do I plan A until we both move out. Or do I just move out and go live with my mom till it's sold?

I have not sent this email back to him but I wrote this with help from Spider Slayer. I just wanted to post this and get more opionions on what to do. I usually post as Sadmarylandlady. But wanted to use this name incase he lurked here looking for my posts.

Here is my letter to him... Any thoughts before I send it?


I love you. I can see and hear that your in a lot of pain. I have been focused on my own pain, and kept hoping that I would find my husband inside of you again. Today I finally heard you. You are unhappy. You feel suffocated. You cannot make me happy, even though you want to, because your heart is not in it. We are financially bankrupt. I realize you want out of the house, away from me, and cannot afford to do so.

I am willing to put the house up for sale, pay off our debt, and let you go. Maryland has a one year separation before divorce. Who knows what will happen during that time. I still have my love for you and still desire for our marriage to be rebuilt in the future.

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: ForeverChanging ]</small>

Read my previous post. Then remember when you communicate with him make sure he knows which character you are addressing. I think that tends to put pressure on his duel persona and may help him see how nutso he is being.

L.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Thanks Orchid

One more thing..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I let my WS know that when I was addressing him as such I would call him: wayward spouse and when I addressed him as my H, I would call him husband or by his real name.

Also I asked that if his personal happiness was greater than our family's happiness, it was vital his family (us) saw him 'happy' at all times he was pursuing his own happiness. This meant he was NO LONGER allowed to have angry outbursts and be abusive in word or deed towards the family. Otherwise his words of being happy for himself were invalid.

That put him in a quandry which twisted his face so when he spoke with us. Yep, it can even have a physical reaction. I then told him that every time he looked in a mirror, he was going to see his family in the background and with each laughter he shared with his new selfish self and the OW, he could hear the faint cries of his family and friends in turmoil and making great scarifices so he as a WS c/b happy. All the while watching his selfhis happiness taking over the once loving H's soul.

Howz that for leaving a long range LB from afar? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It worked. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

I say stuff like that all the time to him. He just says want to bet. Or we will see.

I just think I need to just remove myself completely from all of this. I think the only way he will see anything if he does is to go out and seek what he is searching for.

I already know most of what he is feeling has to do with the OW. Not me. But he doesn't cannot see that right now.

Then he is a blind and foolish man whose pants keep falling down.

Doesn't seem like a good person to be around you and the children, eh?

Protect yourself and your family. Sometimes the WS thinks if they make a menial confession, this gets them off the hook. Make sure the hook stays in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Hi again FC,

If most of the bills you speak of are in your name then by all means do pay them off.I was just worried about you making it easier on your WH to take the financial burden off.That should never be done.If it's one thing we don't support around here it financing affairs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't know what plan you are in but I am reluctant to encourage letters to a WS.Usually they just don't get it or it inflames them and they think you are "controlling".It is good to acknowledge his feelings but at the same time,you are dealing with a WS whose feelings are misguided IMO.It sort of supports them in their warped thinking.I would only support and acknowledge the feelings of someone who was not up to their necks in adultery and who was vested in the marriage.So maybe nix the letter,IMO.

O

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>