Ok everyone-I hate even sharing this b/c it feels like I am blabbing about H to everyone, but I am very worried about him and I thought maybe you all could help me know what to do.

H came over this morning to see the kids while I run some errands. When I got home we were eating lunch (me and H-the kids were napping) and all the sudden he starts crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't know. He kept saying over and over again that he was sorry for all he had done to me and all he had put me through. I told him to talk to me. He said he couldn't....he said he had no one to talk to-that he felt all alone. I told him I would listen to it-whatever it was. He said he didn't want to hurt me or make me mad. I told him I wouldn't be and to talk-that he needed to.

So H told me he hated lying to me. I asked what he meant and he said he lied to me all the time....told me he was alone when he was w/ OW....lying about what he is doing, etc. I told him I know when he is lying-I know when I call and he is w/ her....that he isn't really keeping it from me. He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore-he wanted everyone to be happy again.

He said OW wants him to meet her family sometime over christmas and he didn't know what to do. I asked if they knew he was married. I asked him if this was worth him being so miserable. He said he couldn't talk to her b/c it would make her upset. He said he shouldn't have started this w/ her. I asked him if he thought she cared about him....why would she be doing this to him if she did? (probably shouldn't have said it-but oh well).

H got up and came to the living room and fell to the floor crying. He kept saying how sorry he was....how he was such a bad person and he was going to hell. I started crying-I told him not to say that-he has the ability to change this at any time....H thinks God has abandoned him.....he said he would be in hell and our son would be in Heaven and he would never get to see him walk. Our son is handicapped-doesn't walk or talk. That broke my heart.

H said he didn't want to lie anymore....didn't want to hurt anyone anymore. He said he felt guilty to the kids. Then he got up to leave for work and he was still crying. He looked at me and he said "you are doing really good for yourself. You are a good woman and a strong person. You are living for the right reasons and God is going to send you someone that will appreciate it. I am sorry for all this....we are to different but I shouldn't have done this to you". I told him he needed to take time for himself-to sort things out and clear his head.

So-I am very worried about him. He is carrying around a HUGE load of guilt and shame. I am a religious person-and moreso since this happened and it scares me for him to think God has turned away from him. I told him to pray about it and God will forgive him. I told him I forgave him. He said "don't say that-why can't you just hate me? I'm not worth your care."

I don't know what to do or how to help him. I know I probably can't help him at all....he will have to help himself. He said he hadn't been happy in a long time but that it wasn't my fault at all-it was his own fault.

What am I supposed to do from here??? Any advice?

Hmmmm..

[Holds up scales in hands]

Genuine personal crisis

or

Backhanded way of letting you know he will spending Christmas with OW, and that he chooses her.

I hope for the former...my gut says the latter

Something about the timing is just so...convenient..got it all out just in time to go to work. Meh. We'll see what happens now, won't we?

Noodle

He is planning on spending Christmas eve here at my house and getting up w/ the kids on christmas morning. He said she wanted him to go to her moms on the 30 or 31. I am supposed to work those days so I don't know if he will or not. As for the actual christmas eve and christmas he has already asked me if he could be here. So-I don't know what is going on!

S&TM,

You did fine. He opened up a bit to you and you were there not to lecture but to listen.

Now he needs time to digest what he has told you (which is a lot). He admits he is lying, regrets the OW, is feeling the pressure from his family's obligations and the OW pressure to make him commit himself by meeting her family.

Step back now. Let the OW, LB herself right out of his life. If she is what I think she is, her manipulative side will show soon. If she gets brave enough her threats will show up and she could even take a few stabs at you and your family in addition to trying to corner the WS. See she thinks he is HER POSSESSION. OWs are crazy that way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

God hasn't left your H. He has left the WS and that's what he is feeling.

Just keep doing what you are doing (be there for him). Realize he may step back to the OW a few more times. Read what I posted to ForeverChanging about how to reply to a Ws/H dual personality.

He needs to take it from here. Don't panic. Let your support group know at least some of what he said. It may give them hope also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

It seems to me the solution to his problem is pretty simple: stop seeing the OW.

I'm curious about why you are tolerating this arrangement.

Thanks Orchid-at least I know I may be doing something right. You are right-H and WS are 2 different people. He says OW always tells him it is ok if he says no.....anytime he wants to come home he can.....etc, but I know she is just playing him and buttering him up. I know her-she was a friend of mine-and I know she is going to get tired of playing nice soon. Her asking him to go for christmas and making him choose does not play in her favor b/c although H has done lots of bad he LOVES his kids and does not want to have to choose......and if she made him I would THINK he would tell her to hit the road. Not that he would come back to me-but I don't see him giving his kids a backseat to her family. I think she is starting to tighten her grip a bit now....and he isn't liking it. Also-if they get along so well and "she listens to him" (as he told me at the beginning) then why can't he go to her w/ this?

I forgot to mention that while he was crying he also said he didn't want me to be mad at him anymore, didn't want me to hate him, didn't want to fight w/ me anymore.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sad-and-tiredmom:
What am I supposed to do from here??? Any advice?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Obey your H, woman, he said it nicely
"you are doing really good for yourself. You are a good woman and a strong person. You are living for the right reasons and God is going to send you someone that will appreciate it." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


IMO, he's not happy with her, yet not ready to give her up... he wants you to think nice of him in the case you are better to stay with...

s&tm,

Mine said basically the same thing. I learned to play this trumph card in my favor. When I heard those words (him not want t/b angry at me or with me....blah, blah, blah). I responded that I don't like being angry also but when I find someone trying to hurt my family (including him), then I have a right t/b angry and more. Then I said as long as you are bringing hurt to us, I need to stay angry at you. So it is now up to you. Then I let him go.

The important thing is that I didn't teach him anything, I gave him words that would play back in his ears at a later time. I worded it so that when he shared a 'happy' moment with the OW, it w/b a trigger to remind him of our unhappiness. That was a biggie. The oW got real mad that she was losing hold. That's when I would get those crazed phone calls and e-mails.

The unknown factor is you don't know to what lengths the OW will take things. You don't and shouldn't have contact with them and that does leave the BS somewhat vulnerable. But there are other ways to strengthen your stance.

The WS is very much on the fence and it is getting kinda pointy up there. Don't help him off, he needs to do so himself.

Let the OW LB him and you give him the rope so he can hang the A himself. If the OW breaks it off before he does, it w/b harder for him to return. If he does it, it will still be hard but he can overcome it easier.

JMHO,
L.

Translation: "I'm going to spend Christmas afternoon and evening with my girlfriend instead of with you. You don't mind, do you?

Mulan

The more I think about today the more I feel crappy and hopeless. I know I am just a weakling and H doesn't deserve it, but I feel sorry for him. I know thats crazy-but I still love him and I hate to see him like this. Also-he is-WAS-such a decent person.....all this is so out of character for him-maybe thats why it bothers him so. Who knows. I wish I had a crystal ball so that I would know what the future holds. I don't want a divorce, but it isn't just up to me. I would like to have my H back, but not this WS person he has become. I know this OW is no good for him, I know she is manipulating him....but he doesn't see that. I am so afraid he is going to get himself in trouble w/ her-that would be just what she wants. AUGH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I know no one has the perfect answers-it all just drives me nuts.....and w/ the holidays it is even crappier. Anyway-thanks for letting me vent!

S&TM,

You want your H back or the WS to come home to you and your family? That's how you have to look at it because that is what your choices are.

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sad-and-tiredmom:
<strong> The more I think about today the more I feel crappy and hopeless. I know I am just a weakling and H doesn't deserve it, but I feel sorry for him. I know thats crazy-but I still love him and I hate to see him like this. Also-he is-WAS-such a decent person.....all this is so out of character for him-maybe thats why it bothers him so. Who knows. I wish I had a crystal ball so that I would know what the future holds. I don't want a divorce, but it isn't just up to me. I would like to have my H back, but not this WS person he has become. I know this OW is no good for him, I know she is manipulating him....but he doesn't see that. I am so afraid he is going to get himself in trouble w/ her-that would be just what she wants. AUGH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I know no one has the perfect answers-it all just drives me nuts.....and w/ the holidays it is even crappier. Anyway-thanks for letting me vent! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sad & Tired Mom,

I can so identify with the way you feel. I don't have any advice unfortunately. But I agree with you, it would be nice to have a crystal ball and know what is going to happen. By the way, venting here is the best thing to do I think. There are so many wise people with such different perspectives on all of this garbage we go through. It really does help to feel like you are not in it alone. ((((hugs))))

Suzanne

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sad-and-tiredmom:
<strong>

H got up and came to the living room and fell to the floor crying. He kept saying how sorry he was....how he was such a bad person and he was going to hell. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am gonna offer you an opinion, take it as you wish. When I first read your post the first thing that came to me was "The OW is pregnant". I don't know your situation, and perhaps this is not even a possibility, but this feeling overwhelmed me reading your story and how he is acting. I hope I am wrong (and I probably am), but this is what I thought when I read your post.

I am sorry for your pain. This all sucks.

LM

s&tm,

LM is very intuitive. You know this sounds similar to when my WS was living under the impression that the OW was prego. It was a trick she used 3Xs. That's how she got the R added to PB so she was dubbed 'psycho babble rabbit'. This is a tool the OWs use to reel in the WS'.

Brace yourself for this. When you are strong enough and if he hasn't spilled it yet, ask him if that c/b true.

If she is pulling that stunt, post back. There's support for that type of scenario.

L.

I asked him yesterday if she was PG. I told him he couldn't afford another child and he needed to be careful-he just looked at me and said "I know". I keep thinking that will be next....but I pray it isn't. I would think he would be smart enough to at least not let that happen-thats my hope anyway. I hope you're not right, but I know her and she wanted more kids....so I know it is something I have prepare for in case it does happen. Thanks again!

Well-nothing really new to report today-didn't see H although he did call. He asked how I was doing and how the kids were. I told him we were fine and I asked him how he was. he said "I'm ok I guess". He asked me how mucyh money I needed this week to pay the bills and that was about it. Not a lot of chit chat-no fighting, but he did sound pretty down and out. One on hand he did this to himself so why do I care? On the other hand I am so very concerned for him.....I can't turn off my feelings and I worry about him all the time.

I did call and leave a message on his cell phone letting him know I am worried about him. I know that was probably the wrong thing to do, but I want him to know that I don't hate him or anything. I don't think it really matters anyway anymore-wrong or right thing-I am pretty sure our M is gone. I wish it weren't and I would love for it to be different-but no use lying to myself anymore....sigh.....It really suck to be 26 yrs old and already be facing the end of a marriage-NOT the way I pictured my life....but oh well

Well-not a whole lot happened this weekend. I worked-like usual-and H came by and watched the kids. he also had to work Sat so the kids stayed w/ their grandparents when he had to go in. Sat morning we had a little "tif" over IF he was or wasn't going to OW christmas get together the 31. He still doesn't know if he is or not-then he said he wasn't.....then he cried.....he wants me to tell him NO but I am not going to do that-he needs to make that decision. He asked me why, after everything he had done to me, did I still care about him. He said he didn't deserve my love and caring and he wished I hated him. I know he is saying that b/c it would be easier that way.

Sun I worked but I called to check on the kids a couple of times. Our son was running a fever and I wanted to keep a check on that. the first time I called when I got ready to say bye H said "I love you". I started giggling and I said "I love you too, H" and he said "I'm sorry-geez....I don't know what I was thinking...sorry". It made me upset that he was making such a big deal over it so I got my feelings hurt and I told him "I know it was a mistake but you don't have to make such a big deal over it" and he said "I know-I just thought you would be mad....it isn't a big deal-we were getting along. sorry for messing it up". Then the next 2 times we talked over the course of the day he called me "babe" or "baby" in each conversation. Each time afterwards he would say "sorry-my head isn't working today". What is up w/ that? he did that when he first left and I figured it was out of habit, but he hasn't done it in months....and now all the sudden 3 times in one day? It is probably nothing-but it was wierd. I asked him if it was b/c he had a OW now to call "baby" and he was getting us confused.....which was mean-I know....but he said "no-it's not that".

I don't know-whatever. H is still planning on spending Christmas Eve here at the house....THAT should be interesting!

Hi guys-nothing new really happening. yesterday me and my mom went shopping and H called my cell. He fished around for where I was and who I was w/. He wanted ME to pick up a gift for his mom from HIM! When I told him I didn't see anything I liked he got all mad and told me he appreciated my help. i was like "you know what-you lost the oppurtunity to have me do your shopping when you left-get you OW to do it!". Then he got all ill, but geez....what does this guy want anyway? Drives me nuts.

He called this morning to see how the kids were and what we were up to. He said "well-if you do anything tonight, be careful". I'm not doing anything but going to church.....but he says this everyday-is this his way of asking what I am doing and trying to find out? I am so tired of all thse little games, but if I say anything he says he never asks me what I am doing and who I am w/-yeah right!

***He wanted ME to pick up a gift for his mom from HIM! When I told him I didn't see anything I liked he got all mad and told me he appreciated my help. i was like "you know what-you lost the oppurtunity to have me do your shopping when you left-get you OW to do it!".***

Your standard answer for stuff like this can be, "I would be glad to do this for my husband, but I will not do it for some other woman's boyfriend. Have a nice day."

Repeat as necessary.
Mulan

Mulan-WH called today and said IF I had picked up the gift he asked me to for his mom HE wouldn't have to go shopping tomorrow. So-I said "that is something I did for my husband, not the man you are now". He was such a jerk today-AUGH. His mom is having some medical issues and I speak w/ her everyday and see her many times a week-WH hasn't spoken to his mother in a week. I asked him today if he had called her and he didn't even remember she had had some tests! So-when I reminded him he called her-I told him to start thinking of someone other than himself in which he relyed "well-I'm the only one that thinks of me".

I had planned on going w/ the kids to his familes tomorrow night b/c I am very close w. them and they want me there. WH said that was fine w/ him, but w/ him being such a jerk today I don't know....I told him if it made him uncomfortable he could come get the kids and I wouldn't go but he said "no.I'm sorry, I'm just tired....please come w/ us". I figure if I am agreeing to letting him spend tomorrow night here he can agree for me to go over there. It will probably be the last yr anyway, which makes me sad b/c I love them so much-but I know his mom and I will remain close. She has already made it QUIET clear that OW is NOT welcome.

Anyway-I used what you told me when he used that guilt crap on me again today!