Well, truthfully, a few days before that, even, as I read and lurked here for as much as two weeks before I had the guts to register and post.

I was a total and complete mess. Beginning in mid-August, 2003, I KNEW something was dreadfully wrong. I had a handful of suspicions, and no evidence. My neighbor had recently caught his W in an affair, and shared that with me, having caught her with a recorder that goes on the phone line and records both sides of a call, and the phone number called. I borrowed this little gem, and it wasn't long before it gave me the proof to confront.

I confronted, she denied. I railed, she withdrew. I gave ultimatums, she blew me off. I Love Busted in so many ways from Labor Day until I found this site, it's a wonder we were still in the same house. We started MC in September, 03, and NC was not in place, so we wasted all that money and time until W found out in Feb, 04, the OM had a new GF. This totally blew her mind! For 5 months, she lived the fantasy, without physical contact, and only with 6-8 phone calls, which she instigated. W fell totally apart. I had to comfort her all one evening, and stay home the following day, and comfort her that whole day. Maybe the hardest thing I've ever done, holding her while she cried for the OM. She apologized for putting me though the pain, displayed remorse, and asked me why I had stayed and waited for her "return" with no guarantees. I just told her it was because I loved her, and I had to be there until she returned, or all attempts had failed, before I could move on.

When I began to read SAA in December, 03, I looked at the part about changing those things "wrong" with me. There were plenty of them to change. Not enough domestic support, LB's, quality time, lack of admiration, etc. I set forth to change all those things immediately, and have kept all of those changes in place. The results have been astonishing.

Now, one year and 4 months past D-day, we have a totally different M than we had for years Pre-A. A great deal of appreciation is shared towards each other's efforts towards a healthy M. We have become friends again, and do many things together, that we'd began doing seperately before the A.

My whole point is this: Today, my FWW bears no resemblence to the WW she was a year and a half ago. The fog is gone, dead, and in the place of the fog is a thoughtful, loving, caring, sharing woman, the one I knew when I proposed to her some 32 years ago. What went wrong, then? We just became too immersed in our lives together, that we forgot what brought us together in the first place. Interaction, and respect, and enjoying each other's company. We became psuedo-independent while trying to remain married. Not good, not healthy, not condusive to a marriage.

Marriage Builders is a great philosophy, and if you buy in, and believe in the big picture, and are earnest in your efforts, it can help you save your marriage. It did mine.

Best wishes
SD

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Thank you so much for posting this. I'm sure you can understand how some of us need to see the successes.

I contratulate you on the hard work you've done and am so glad that you have been rewarded.

shattered dreams,

Thanks for dropping by and gave many others a hope. I am glad that you recover you M and building a better one.

-rh-

Reading this made me feel happy SD.

Bumping so that others who are in pain and doubt might find a reason to feel hopeful.


weaver

Man, SD, you are like Santa giving many of us what we have on our wish list....hope. I read your post and have always valued them so highly, but did not know your story....now I know your story and I am further in awe. Tonight I really need hope...it has been nine months since this nightmare started and although it is better now, I just don't think it will ever be good. I feel like throwing in the towel...and tonight I am just not trying....but reading your email made me think, maybe tomorrow is another day and maybe I'll have energy for another try.

Thanks SD for giving me the best Xmas gift...it is just what I wanted and perfectly wrapped....thanks for your message and God bless. You're an angel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Thanks SD. Great Xmas present for some of us.

SD:

That's a very positive confession. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for sharing it.
I'm sure it can / will inspire others.

Sounds like the blessing that happened for You and your situation is that your W ALSO "bought into" the program.

Unfortunately, sooo many other WS never do (or only "parts").....usually only the parts they Want to change.

Or they drag it out for so long (before they "get it") .......that there's just not much left to salvage.

Glad you aren't in either catagory.
Truly happy for your success! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
Happy Holidays!

Thanks to all for the positive feedback. It's truly remarkable, the difference between a fog-bound WS and the one we KNOW lives inside them.

The $64,000 question is HOW to get them out of the fog. Plan A seems to be the best anyone's found so far, but a faster, easier, quicker, shorter, more efficient plan would save a lot of pain and heartache.

It took me weeks to finally figure out how to emotionally detach from the barbed drivel from WS. How to make a game of it, and not be hurt by the actions or words. Once I achieved that Zen-like state, she could no longer hurt me, and I could not Love-Bust her, because all I felt was love for her, things began to turn around. Ever so slowly, but each day things, ever so slightly, the fog would lift for an "aha" moment, allowing me to know the Plan was working.

I wish I could explain how I reached that state, to some of the newbies who are in so much pain. It took a few weeks to reach that, but it was so easy to "deal" with the alien after that, like night and day.

top rope, I'm not sure all this would have come out this way, but for the information about the OM getting a new GF. It came from a trusted, third party source, and just wracked my then WW's state of mind. Somehow, she believed OM was just out there "waiting" for our M to fail, then she could run into his arms forever, I guess???? Who knows. Maybe I would have had to go to Plan B if she hadn't had the fantasy bubble broken by the truth.

You people who are in Plan A, and reading this. Give it your all. Do the very best you can do with it, in spite of the fact you are tired, confused, angry, lost and depressed. Rise above it all, and take control of your life. You will be in charge of your life from now on, whether you reconcile your M or not. So start today. Read SAA, and do it the right way, not just from tidbits you pick up in the forums. Buy into the philosophy and execute it with a vengence. Your best revenge is living a life being true to your self, whether married or not.

Best Holiday Wishes
SD

I wish I could explain how I reached that state, to some of the newbies who are in so much pain. It took a few weeks to reach that, but it was so easy to "deal" with the alien after that, like night and day.

SD -

You keep thinking on this until you figure out how you got there, then you bottle it...

then you send me a bottle so I can pour it down a few throats here, mine included! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Bump for Vnus.