Hi all.

Some may remember me from a couple years back. I am formerly Mrs. Funk.

I just wanted to come back and say I'm here to offer my help, or the view of a WS.

I have made it through the darkness that we like to call the fog. After much IC, and being separated from H for a year, I came out of it.

It was like a slap in the face. I suddenly realized our whole lives and futures were at stake here. This is not a game.

The day before D-papers were filed, we went to dinner and asked each other this question: Have we honestly tried EVERYTHING possible to make it through this? Our answer was NO.

With that, we agreed on a few things. We would slowly start to date again, so I wouldnt feel so smothered. It was so important that he NOT make me feel punished for what I did.

I have been back in the house since July 2003. We just had a baby girl in June 2004. Things are always getting better. We do not mention OM. He does not make me feel punished. I feel so grateful everyday for him, his patience, and the fact that he never gave up on us. He is amazing to me.

H does have bad dreams alot. Dreams that I am cheating on him. I have already gone through the awful regret stage, where i was constantly crying and telling him how sorry i was. I thought that would make him realize i would never stray again.

It breaks my heart that he still has that fear. All I can do is reassure, reassure, reassure.

He has my email PWs. He can look at my bills, or whatever he wants. But he doesnt. For me, not having to hide anything anymore is one of the greatest feelings.

So anyway I can assist here, I want to. I want something good to come of what I did.

I hope & pray that all of your WS will find their way back to your loving arms once again.

OM/OW is nothing but fantasy built on a foundation of lies.

Congratulations on ALL of this!!

I do have a question about "punishment".

I have no desire to punish my husband..especially as his affair was two years ago.

But I still have questions about it. I feel like when I ask questions, he sees it as punishment. Did you feel punished when questioned about the A, even though that was not the intent?

*editing in*

And thank you for being here and posting..and offering your help!

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: maddyk ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by foggy-nomore:
<strong>So anyway I can assist here, I want to. I want something good to come of what I did.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It is what you do after the mistake defines who you are <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Thanks, for the offer. I am not familiar w/ your story ... could you recap it ?. Then how your A ended and how you get defogged ?

-rh-

Foggy-nomore -

Thanks for being an encouragement to those of us married to a foggy-still WS.

I'm so glad to read of your recovery. Stop by my thread (can't miss it, it's the REALLY long one) anytime and post.

Georgia

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did you feel punished when questioned about the A, even though that was not the intent?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I think it's all in the delivery of the question, if i would feel punished or not. I did/do not like the questions at all. And not because I feel punished, but because it's a terrible reminder of the person I was then. I can't believe what I did, and I honestly just want to forget it.

Questions only make it fresh in my mind again, and I dont want to focus on the past. Things are going so well, that when the past is brought up, it just brings me down, and it also surfaces H's hurt again. And I hate that I hurt him.

Thanks Foggy nomore. Your posting here AT THIS MOMENT is very important to me because I am new here, the existance of the fog was new tome and explains my WH attitudes for me. I just couldn´t believe my WH was my H,nowI understand he´s not. It would be very helpful if you could tell us what kind of things got thru to you in spite of the fog.

foggynomore, thanks for the encouragement! i know i am not alone when i say the holidays are going to be different and a little difficult/awkward this year. hearing success stories like yours inspires those of us with WS to keep on going and not giving up. i hope we all make it to where you and yuors are someday.welcome back and again thanks for offering to help. ii am sure you will get lots of questions. i am interested to hear a recap of your story as well. ...arjdad

Foggy:

Honestly------ do you still think about OM? When you do--- does it interfere with your relatiosnship to your H?

One of my fears is that my WW will always have a warm place in her heart for her OM and that this will always be a thorn in our relatiosnhip.

There is no such a thing as an immaculate marriage once there is a stain in the fabric. What do you think?

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 07:43 AM: Message edited by: Stan-ley ]</small>

Hi foggy-nomore,

Congratulations on your recovery! I personally am glad you are here to help since there seems to be several WW's/FWW's that don't feel comfortable here with all the BS's emotion or leave the boards because the heat is turned up a bit on their behavior.

You will be an inspiration to us all.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am not familiar w/ your story ... could you recap it ?. Then how your A ended and how you get defogged ?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi redhat! I remember your name, but not your sitch either.

H & I had just moved into our new home in jan 2002. I had been feeling very neglected, and made to feel like a "nag" (yes, he would call me that) whenever I would appraoch him with a problem, or how I was feeling.

I got tired of trying, so I gave up. I just figured that's how marriage was, and I'd suck it up.

I was not looking for an affair (conciously, anyway). I went out with my friend to see a band one night, just to get out. A younger guy approached me, was full of compliments, and we knew some mutual people. We chatted, and i told him I was older than he thought i was, and I was married. He was floored, and kept coming with the compliments. At the end of the night, I told him it was nice to meet him, and headed home.

A few weeks later, I received an email from him. He had apparently tracked me down through our mutual friend. Turned out, he worked right near me. He wanted to meet for lunch. I thought he was harmless, and i could handle this. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

The compliments flowed, and I fell for it. He fell for me hard, and I felt myself falling in love, and getting addicted to him.

By the end of Feb, it was a full blown PA. H knew something was up, and tapped the phone lines. He found out that way. I left for a hotel, and told H I needed to "clear my head." But in reality, I was only buying more time with OM.

I was even more confused by the end of that week. OM was feeling bad for being a homewrecker, and H was wanting to work on it.

H&I went thru counseling, but it did me no good, as i was stuck in the fog. He Plan A'd me, but I was still in contact. He caught me again.

Months and months of turmoil occured, and H moved out. He wanted to keep the house, in hopes i would come to my senses. That was looking bleek. I got my own place, and he moved out.

OM made lots of promises he never kept. When I needed someone the most, he would flake out. Did I mention OM had a GF?

His lies made me believe we would live happily ever after. Looking back, I cannot believe I fell for that crap!!

OM & I spent time together at my new place, but reality quickly set in. We were in hiding, basically. Christmas 2002 came around, and I was tired of his crap, and said my goodbyes. This boy was not worth my mental anguish, or my marriage! At this point, I thought my marriage was irrepairable, but I was missing my husband, and my normal life. I did not like the person I had become.

I started going to church, and continued IC. H went on a vaca and came back and told me he wanted a divorce. Just when I was starting to get myself together, and finding my love for him again. Right before D papers were filed, we both asked that question, and agreed to try again. H saw a change in me, and agreed to start dating again, although he was worried I would just go back to OM. I had to prove to him I was DONE.

It was a long, hard road. I consider us still in recovery. i guess we always will be. It just gets better, though.

A few months after I moved back into the house, I found out i was pregnant. I think he questioned if it was his baby. We became much closer throughout my pregnancy. I came very close to death after my delivery, and H was there by my side every day. He was my personal nurse for weeks after I came home from the hospital.

He's my rock. There's no way OM would have gone through that hell with me. I thank God everyday for my H, and I know how lucky I am that he gave me another chance. I will never hurt him again. It's so not worth all the pain.

GG- I will find your post!

FOGGYNOMORE--Congratulations on the re-construction of your marriage. That was a very good idea, to separate and date for a while. I am sure it made your head clear better.

STANLEY--Our marriage is as inmaculate as YOU want it to be. You continue to put the "thorns" in our relationship with these questions. I am sure all the FWWs think once in a while with the OMs, but the thoughts are not pleasant,the thoughts are not warm anymore. Stop worrying yourself and worrying me too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Lets move on!!!

MYRTA

cc46: Dont give up hope. We were separated for a year, and we BOTH dated other people (after I dumped OM, I dated others while H did too). I think me seeing him moving on was a real eye opener.

what got me thru in spite of fog? I think a big thing, was that I found this site on my own. I knew what the fog was. And I knew I was in it. I still tried to justify it though. I sought out this site because I wanted to understand WHY I was in an affair. Or if what I was feeling was even real? I introduced H to this site and the books SAA ATA and others.

Another thing that got me thru was IC.

Friends did not help. They were convinced H was the monster i made him out to be and supported my divorce.

Stanley...I have no problem giving you an honest answer. I do think about OM. And when I do, I get disgusted. Honestly. I never thought I'd be able to say that. I would always say (in the fog) "OM was a positive thing. I could never hold him in a negative light!" I look at him as the enemy. Someone who took advantage of my vulnerability.

I did,however become very close with OM's parents. Mostly because OM suffered from depression, and we talked about it alot. They absolutely LOVED me and thought I was the one for their son, despite of what i was doing. I have to remember that contact with them is just as bad as contact with OM. So I stay away.

I hope I'm helping!

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 08:41 AM: Message edited by: foggy-nomore ]</small>

Thank you.I´m not giving up hope. I´m going to plan B right after Xmas, hoping that it will penetrate the fog. Since d day 2 months ago my WH has continued tha ffair as though there were nothing wrong with that! It´s becoming unbearable although but the knowledge that we will separate in a week allows me to try to plan A the best I can until then. Ending the affair willnot be easy because OW is his personal secretary and financially very dependant on him but I hope he will do it. It may take time, what with the fog and his natural slowness to do things....
Anyway,your story gives me hope. Again a great Xmas present.TY

Hi Funks!

Congrats on your recovery and on your addition!

You both can be a tremendous inspiration to this forum if you can offer your experience and advice.

Welcome "home."

WAT

Foggy NO More:

Just wanted to let you know that I think its very generous of you to come back and be willing to open yourself up to questions and the like.

IT really shows where you are at (on a personal level) concerning your recovery, marriage and even emotional health.

Unfortunately, NOT many FWS would be willing to do this.

Even the one's that "buy into" the program and help heal the BS and the M.......are MORE than Happy to "move on" and not look back once recovery is in place.

I thank you in advance for your insights and answers for whomever it is you help get through their own personal hell.

Good move in coming back to help!
Happy holidays to you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FoggynoMOre:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no problem giving you an honest answer. I do think about OM. And when I do, I get disgusted. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is helpful to know. In fact I have noted a progression in my wife's appreciation of OM. Initially she thought OM could walk on water. Afterwards she vehemently defended the integrity of OM and then all of a sudden started to admit that OM had serious shortcomings as a man. I wonder if she did this to appease me, but she seems to be less positive about OM.

The reason I ask is simple and perhaps I can illustrate this with something that happened to me today. This morning I awoke having a dream with a girl I used to like a lot when i was in the 8th-9th grade. This was typical puppy love------ and somehow I remember her every once in a great while and of course it does not affect my relationship with my wife. However, this morning was different because I sort of had a romantic dream with her and then my wife woke me up to cuddle. I felt strange and did not feel as receptive to her cuddling.

So now I have a FWW who had a torrid recent two year romance and I wonder if the recollection gets in the way of our relationship. Obviously I think it does! I think it will interfere forever. It seems to me in your case the presence of OM is still an interference. What do you think?

cc46:

Gosh, you made me remember something! What's weird, is now that the fog is lifted, I don't recall ALOT of the things I did while in the fog. So strange.

But this I do remember. Carrying on the A as if it was OK!

H & I were living together, but in separate BRs, and i would stay up late to talk on the phone to OM. I knew there was a possibility that i was being recorded , so I would use my cell phone. H knew what i was doing. He stayed strong, and Plan A'd me until he couldnt anymore.

Honestly, I dont think Plan A worked. It enabled me to take advantage of my H, and that wasn't cool. It was Plan B that made me wake up.

Hi WAT!! Thanks for the "welcome home"

And thank you, TopRope for the kind words. I hope to use this time as a 'refresher' for myself as well. I have kind of lost some knowledge of MB since i've been away. I just found out my friend is in a full blown A, and lost in the fog. I sent her SAA & ATA in the mail. I doubt she has opened them. She just keeps saying "Im so sorry I didnt understand how you felt! This is horrible!" On one hand, she doesnt want to lose her H, but she wont let OM go either. I just tell her she's not herself right now, and she's not making sense. I told her she's taking her life in her hands. And if OM really cared for her, he would LEAVE HER ALONE to repair her marriage. But he wont.

Her H even went to OM's house with his 2 sons (3 & 4) on Thanksgiving and "thanked" OM for ruining his life and his boys' life, infront of OM's whole family. What a nightmare.

I dont know what to tell her while she's in the fog. Im hoping to learn a little more myself.

Stanley,

I dont like to think of it as an interference. More so an affirmation of love for my husband.

We can't control our dreams. Dreams aren't reality either. Most dreams are forgotten after an hour or so of being awake. If I dream of someone other than my H, it doesn't mean Im not in love with H. It means Im human.

Thank you, FNM, I appreciate your answer. It's as I suspected.

Honestly, I hate asking the questions too and want to move on from that particular aspect of things. But sometimes a question will come into my mind and if I stuff it, I start to get resentful. I will think carefully on how I word and intone things henceforth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM/OW is nothing but fantasy built on a foundation of lies </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes I get the sense that my FWH wants to believe that some of this was real. Can you speak to this? It's like an itty-bitty piece of the fog continues to break-through.