</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM/OW is nothing but fantasy built on a foundation of lies </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes I get the sense that my FWH wants to believe that some of this was real. Can you speak to this? It's like an itty-bitty piece of the fog continues to break-through.

WOW,

I sure could use some of your advice for my sitch.

WW claims she has never loved me and has been unhappy for the past ten yrs and her A had nothing to do with us, Claims that it just happened and that she was planning on leaving me and the kids anyway.

Today mark day 25 of nc but she still says she wants to move out in June of 05.

I have posted a link to my thread and maybe you could give me some brief insight into what to do or what not to do.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=034526


Up above is my thread please, I'm desperate for some advice. I'm also trying to get the ww to post on here but she feels she will only get torn apart.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sometimes I get the sense that my FWH wants to believe that some of this was real. Can you speak to this? It's like an itty-bitty piece of the fog continues to break-through.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How did the A end? If he felt forced to end it, then maybe he didn't see the A for the horrible thing it was, and just did the right thing by staying with his wife.

I think this has alot to do with HOW the A ends.

I can say the feelings I had were intense, but the person I was, was not me. Therefore, it wasn't REAL. I was in love with the fantasy - the idea of being loved.

I had to eventually teach my H how to love me. What didn't help matters, was H's attempts to do things like OM. It just seemed all the more fake. It's better if he's just himself.

Mschluter, I just got word my uncle passed. I will get to you as soon as I can.

Hi foggy,

I just read your thread and wanted to say thanks for posting on mine. It is so wonderful to be able to write at this board with our success stories isnt it? I hope and pray somehow we bring those involved right now some hope and peace knowing there is a way throught the hell of an affair and the aftermath.

Keep posting.. You have a lot to say and it is nice to see so many take comfort knowing you have made it out successfully and your marriage is good again.

Nice to meet you,
n_p

Foggy,

Sorry about your uncle.

Thanks for posting. It's informative to us. I'm a FWS too. I hope to be in the position that you're in one day. I have mixed feelings when I think about my FOW. I am still happy for a lot that she has brought me, but I'm sickened over a lot of our relationship too. We made everyone around us miserable at our expense (in the end). The whole relationship was wrong, and I see that now. Still, it's hard to "get over" it all. I still miss her some days.

I'm envious that you had that last chance with the OM. I told my FOW that I wish I had that chance--to do things that I wanted with her, because I think the outcome would have been so different for me. Had I been placed in a situation with her and lived it out even for a short time I'm SURE that I would have seen what a mistake that was, and I would have been even more grateful for my H. Instead, I was left with conflicting, sad endings. I wish that I had been in control. It would have brought me closure MUCH, MUCH sooner. I had a bad lack of self-esteem after all of this.

CC

Stan_ley:

Just wanted to make a quick comment about the dreams, etc... You have to realize that we're not in the fog anymore and our situations with our OM (or OW) aren't thought of in that same story-book way anymore! If anything, we have a sickened, sad feeling when we think about them. So, stop worrying! Even *I* don't have any romantic, dreamy dreams about my FOW anymore!!! Give Myrta the benefit of the doubt. She's not dreaming about him or romanticizing the A anymore, and you shouldn't be worrying about it either! She chose to be WITH YOU!

CC

I guees Im following N_P around the board LOL. Thanks for the info. Love hearing the FWW positive stories. Gives me a more secure feeling that the outcome I hope for is obtainable! Also how is your H dealing with the nightmares/sleep? That is my biggest problem right now.

Hi FNM...

Thanks for coming here. I hope you stay a while. For many of the BS here, there's a real shortage of insight from FWWs. Like was written earlier, I think many stay away because they want their lives to no longer be "about" the A. Which makes sense.

GC

2 Years Since D-Day as of 12/31/04.

My FWH is clearly sickened by the thought of his A and seems to be doing all that he can to show his love and appreciation of me. He clearly has chosen me. His life is an open book! We stay in contact all day.

I really need to work on moving on from this. You have helped me to see that. I can't help but wishing the OW didn't exist and that it will ALL GO AWAY. It won't. It happened. I have to continue to make the best of it. I have to recognize, believe it or not, how this has helped my marriage. As you say, he has shown me how to love him and I am doing the same.

Thanks a lot.

BUTTERCUP: You are also being helpful in letting me know that,from my FWH'S perspective, getting over it takes time. He thought he was "in love" with her and came to realize that she wasn't "real". Says it was all "BULL SH*&^^%%*T!"

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stanley...I have no problem giving you an honest answer. I do think about OM. And when I do, I get disgusted. Honestly. I never thought I'd be able to say that. I would always say (in the fog) "OM was a positive thing. I could never hold him in a negative light!" I look at him as the enemy. Someone who took advantage of my vulnerability.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read your story and I am glad you had so much courage and motivation to make things work!

It seems that you’re affair had a natural death and you essentially discovered that OM was a fraud and two timing you. I would assume that deciding to go back to H is an easier decision at this point--------- or maybe not.

In any event lets pretend you had to stop the affair when you had no idea of the OM’s flaws as a man and when the romance was in a crescendo nearing its peak. I guess in this instance it is much more difficult to come up with the strength to return to the marriage and that is why many continue the affair and remain in contact despite promises made on D-day. This is how my wife’s affair ended and that is why I worry so much. I keep thinking something is going to go wrong and cannot seem to relax. However, I will admit I am way better than a couple of months ago. As I said to my wife a long time ago it is hard to suddenly stop urinating during midstream when the bladder is still full and it is easy to stop urinating when the bladder is empty.

My wife has been exceptional and I feel we are recovering nicely, but I worry all the time and feel she could fall of the wagon. I don’t do this out of my own insecurity, as I was never that way. However, this is what is left within me at this time. JL has advised me to trust in her completely and I am trying hard to do that since in the end she will do what she wants to do whether I trust her or not. Did your husband feel this way?

Thank you so much for you're story. It gives me great hope as I think my WW may be working her way out of the fog!

Any advice you have would be so helpfull <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I dont know if I am doing the right things or not. I must say you and you're story have made my day. Thank you so much. If you have a chance, please read my thread, let me know what you think. I am trying hard to save my family.

My story:

just go to search and type in "inafunk". Make sure you only search the General Questions II section.

I just read some of my very old posts. D@mn I was an alien!

I remember you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How beautiful is your daughter???

Tell us all about her.

Pep

Foggy,

Welcome back!!! We sure could use your help around here, especially WSs still in the fog! Glad you're willing to jump in!

f-nm:

I had forgotten you had changed your username!

I'm so glad 2 hear your M has worked out. Your sitch was one of those that seemed so hopeless during the thick of it. I urge those who've come 2 this thread 2 look up hers and her H's threads from the past and compare them 2 now.

I do believe that recovery will continue for a while for your H. But I firmly believe that he will get 2 the point where the OM won't be such a concern for him anymore, like he isn't for you.

I think that's the way it has been with me lately, 2. I'm doing much better within the M at the moment, even though the OM is still a thorn that doesn't seem 2 want 2 go away for me. But I think that's just the way things fade. I believe he's less on my W's mind than he is on mine, even.

best,
-ol' 2long