H,

Have I told you I love you recently? I do. I always have. From the first, well maybe second, time I met you, I knew there was something about you that would change my life. I was right. When we
first met, I found myself loving a talented, understanding and caring man. When you and I were together you brightened my whole day and I
enjoyed being in the glow. You made me feel truly loved for the first time. I'm sorry if I failed you in that way.

I am sorry for hurting you by saying and doing things in anger. Throughout the years, I have made mistakes in our relationship. Looking back, I can see how our lack of communication and my ability
> to listen, really listen to you, has contributed to weakening our marriage. I wish I had realized how much we needed to share our time together and had taken an active role in making sure we were enjoying fun and new things together. I should have been more of a friend to you. I believe if we both worked at keeping things alive and fresh, we might not be where we are today. I know I wasn't filling your needs the way you deserved, I am sorry.
>
People can change if they're willing to take a long, hard look in the mirror and hold themselves accountable for who they are. You have noticed the changes in me. I'm proud of the person I've become
> and will continue to grow. I want to be the woman you would be proud to call your wife, as I have always been proud to call you my husband.
>
The direction that I must go now is not one of choice but one of necessity. Let me explain. Your decision to maintain contact with Kim and most importantly, your choice and willingness to share a
significant part of your life with her, both emotionally and physically, rather than with me, continues to inflict me with pain. Knowing you are still in contact with her and at this point,
unwilling to fully commit to saving our life and our family together, tears me apart. It wounds my heart and each day I find myself pulling farther away from you to protect my feelings. Each day your relationship with her continues, you move farther away from us – from me.
>
I've suffered humiliation and pain since I became aware of your relationship with Kim. You've made the decision to continue the relationship knowing that it is destroying our marriage. The relationship shows nothing but disrespect for me. I cannot fight for our marriage alone any longer. I'm weary. I can no longer tolerate the dance between Kim and me. If Kim is the one that you want, I hope the two of you will be happy together. I have to let you go.
>
To preserve my love for you, I must avoid seeing or talking to you any longer. Please know this is to protect my feelings for you and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery. If we continue as we are now, I fear I will eventually feel nothing. I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. If you choose to
come back and work on our marriage, I want to know that you made the decision on your own.
>
Of course, there will be issues we need to address as parents and with finances. Susan has agreed to relay any messages we have for each other. (If you'd prefer to find someone other than Susan, please let me know.) As for the children, they love you and need you. I want you to be able to talk with them and for them to know they can
contact you for anything. They can call you whenever they want. You can call the house to speak with them also. If you let me know, through Susan, when you plan on visiting we can work out times for you to see them.
>
Right now, letting you go and distancing myself from your actions are the only ways I can protect my heart. I need to restore some normalcy to my life so that I can remain healthy, find some
measure of peace, and continue to grow as a human being.
>
I still love you, and will continue to pray for you, but I cannot see you while you are involved with Kim. Your reluctance to go to counseling with the intention of preserving our marriage is a significant sign that you're choosing to not work at saving the marriage. The only path that can work
for me is one in which we are joined with a common goal in mind....that of preserving our union. I cannot move forward without this promise. Our marriage cannot move forward without this promise. If you never contact me again, then I will accept your decision.

Let me say it one more time so you will understand exactly how I feel; I want you as my husband more than anything in the world. I truly believe we can rebuild our marriage so that it can be better and stronger. You said that you didn't want the marriage back the way it was. I agree. We can create a marriage where we both feel loved, safe,
cherished and honored. With effort and desire, we can rebuild the love and become a family again. We have been given the opportunity to individually look deeply at what we want in our marriage and I know we can create the happiness we deserve and have always wanted. It will take work, but I can think of nothing more important and worthwhile
than fighting for our marriage. Our greatest chance for happiness lies with each other. I truly believe that.

I will miss you, God be with you my love.

Susan

I'm usually wrong when I pick apart Plan B letters but if you'd like I can point out two things that jumped out at me that I feel should be changed or don't belong in a Plan B letter.

Heck, I'll just do it. If someone disagrees with me, listen to them, not me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have I told you I love you recently? I do. I always have. From the first, well maybe second, time I met you, I knew there was something about you that would change my life. I was right. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was the first thing, but I think I read it wrong. I'm not sure if it's because of the way it's written or just my own thing...So while I think you might want to reconsider how you wrote it, do know that the 2nd time I read it I understood a little better.

I don't feel you should tell a WS that you fell in love with them the first or 2nd time you met them (this is NOT what you wrote but it's how I read it the first time). I think that because it kind of goes with that "romantic love/infatuation" thing and you don't want to give them the idea that you think that sort of thing can last. They could throw back that that's how they felt about the OP so why can't you understand? But again...it's not exactly what you wrote.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If Kim is the one that you want, I hope the two of you will be happy together. I have to let you go. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't feel this belongs in here at all. This is not what you want and I doubt it's what you hope. You're giving him permission and making him think this is okay with you if that's what you decided. I don't want my h to be miserable for the rest of his life and if we divorce, I do hope that he will be happy one day. But I don't want him thinking that his affair was okay, as long as it made him happy. Please consider removing that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Maddyk...thank you for your thoughts. I agree with them and have made your suggested changes.

Question...does it matter if I Plan B when he's in midlife crisis?

What does everyone think?

susan

Question...does it matter if I Plan B when he's in midlife crisis?
No it does not matter
You Plan B when he is having an affair and won’t end it.

<small>[ December 18, 2004, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Thanks to all who read my letter. I'm really depressed -- holidays I guess.

Right now I'm fighting NOT feeling like he will be settling should he come back. He's reading, Relationship Rescue and After the Affair (he's in a better place in his MLC now the when he first read them). But I tell you, I'm having a he** of a time not feeling like he'll be settling.

Ideas.
Susan

Okay,,,OW's H moved out on Tuesday. My H says he wants to be with her. We had a marathon talking session....don't know what came of it.

I'm in Cleveland with my S and her family. H is with S17.

Didn't get many comments about my Plan B letter, but when H told me "I want to be with her" I gave him some of the highlights...no contact with me..."Susan, I don't want that." UGH

Now what gang?

Susan

okay...here's the deal. H hasn't called my cell phone...safety first, but that just means he's made up his mind. Here's the sh**, I intend to tell him that he can have her. That he has to file and that he has to tell our kids that there's another OW.

I'm moving on...no sh**. If you think you can have better, go for it. But for now, you don't exist == move on with or without me (his words 11 months ago).

Susan

Well, he's made an appt with an L. I went this week to see on financials.

He's still with OW and her H moved out christmas week.

A lot of divorce talk this past couple of weeks, then "I want you to be happy...tell me about the retreat you mentioned...i think we're incompatible...Susan, will you be there...can I c*** you..."

UGH...it's *** so frustrating and emotion***y illogical.

I hope more of you had a happy holiday...
Best,
susan

How'd your New Year's go?

Do you think you would feel better going ahead and sending your letter even if you feel it wouldn't make a difference? Maybe that feeling of completeness by having all your bases covered?

maddyk, thanks for keeping in touch. Unfortunately, I think I've blown it b/c I can't seem to stay away and detach. We've both said so many things to e/o lately ... too many love busters and I don't think he thinks we can get past them. My instincts tell me he's given up and listening only to the "bad" things in our lives...he doesn't hear the ILY. Typical for MLC. Although he continues to read, I know he wants "this" [suffering] over. It's taken its toll and I think he just wants everything to end.

In one phone c*** I said, how would you feel about not seeing OW and me for 10 months? he said that was a possibility. Then I realized he'd be w/o me for 20 months...not inspiring.

IDEAS?

ustr, I'd like to take a look at some of your past postings (i'll just do a search, no need to post them)..probably won't today, but maybe tonight or tomorrow. I'll keep my comments on this thread so you don't have to look far.

Everyone...I'm thinking about signing the divorce papers should he file. Here's why: Will you give OW and I up for 10 mos? His reply, I'm thinking about it.

Will you give OW up and work on our marriage for 10 mos? His reply, no.

There you have it. He doesn't care if I don't call him. He doesn't care if he spends more time w/ her than he does with me. He was at the wrestling match tonite and NC.

Why should I bother? He's going to see a L this week...yet he asked a friend after Tgiving who her l was...he's been thinking about ending our marriage for the past 6 months...why should I denigrate myself? Where is my self respect? What am I modeling for my children? D = it's okay to be a doormat. S = it's ok to treat a woman with no respect.

Where is my self respect? How will I EVER trust him again? Why am I footing the bill for his dinners with her?

What the f**k?