Thanks PM,

I think I may have to leave MB, as I don't know that I can save my M. I guess I'm too weak, I think SF is high on my needs.

LM,

I haven't gotten an email from you.

No one is saying to D her due to STDs. That is not even verified yet.

Right now, you need MB more than ever. You need it as one of your supporters to help you through the tough times ahead.

Don't leave. The pain is intense but it won't last long at this level. You will learn how to deal with it and survive.

{{{mb hug 2 U}}}}

L.

Hey native00; Listen to the posters. Take a deep breath. YOu are not in immediate danger of catching an STD because you are not intimate, right?

What is your Plan? DOn't jsut go off. THink this through. GIve yourself some time. Nothing is going to go away or change in that thinking time.

THis is really hard for you. I know that. Can you talk to WW at all in a no LB way? Can you ask her to sit down and then say, I am concerned about you. Is it possible that you have an STD? Like ___? I know that you got a letter from CDC. What does it say? Will you take a test and give me the results? SOmething along that line. Don't accuse just tell her how you feel and what you know about the letter and genital warts research if that is appropriate.

THen,if she denies or lies, you have given her a chance to tell the truth. If she doesn't, well, then you know what you want and need to do.

No one can say what that is for you. If you think it is time to Plan B or Plan D, then that is what you need to do. Just odn't do anything hasty.

GOod Luck.

Native,

*Love* can absolutely be unconditional. Marriage is not the same thing as love. Marriage is commitment and binding yourself to her. I'd give some serious consideration to that. Fog shmog. This is your LIFE she is playing with.

I'm so sorry. I know there is no peace in your immediate future..but your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

Noodle

GENITAL WARTS

I was floored, as I was looking at what she was reading. For the next hour she was reading many different websites and info on Warts.

**************************************************

Native, I started to re read this thread - going back to your opening post.

Your wife changed a several months ago to being "a good time girl". She's fallen under negative influences from her girl friend and general tedium (I read your story too), and she's discovered that she can get herself boy-friend, pretend she's single and that she can have "fun" still - when a year ago, she thought life was a bit ordinary, looking after children and a husband. All good for her so far (for her).

BUT very recently she took a BIG hit. I'm guessing she discovered something or a group of somethings on her genitals - or maybe on her boyfriend's genitals. Now, fog has it's limitations. The sight of genital warts on yourself or on someone you've been having sex with is enough to scare the bejeez's out of you (not that I'd know but I've spent enough time imagining it since I discovered my H playing around).

The shock has to have woken her up some. She sat at the computer and went from web site to web site studying genital warts and as you know, those web sites are not pretty. You don't want to know about them or the kind of people who have them. But what choice do you have when it looks like you have them?

There has to be a bit of self preservation happening to your wife right now. So I guess I'm thinking "window of opportunity".

Test the waters with her, to see if she's had a change of heart. You need to brace yourself and be very disconnected to her but at the same time, tell her you know, tell her firmly you are sorry for her situation. Ask her what she sees happening now for the marriage and the childen you have brought into the world. Don't hold out any promises or even a glint of hope that you want to stay with her. Just sound her out.

I think you need to play on the STD to reinforce your Plan B. Make her think she is now so unlcean that she's gone past the point of no return. Sometimes it takes a huge shock to wake someone up from A behavior. Only by being very strong and firm can you make an impression on her. She might want her old life back but doesn't quite know how to ask for it. She might not too, in which case get rid of her post haste.

Obviously a lot depends on the outcome of further tests. But some of what is wrong with your wife, if she is now realising the mess she's created, maybe be fixable or endurable. BUT only if she is showing signs of deep, deep remorse.

thinking of you
AN

Dear Native,

I'm sorry you have to go through this.
But I have to second Lemonman on this - don't put your own life and health in danger here.
If you are using a condom to protect yourself - be aware that a condom will ONLY protect the part of your body it covers... you could still get genital warts etc. If fact you can even got those from using a towel together.

Native- Sorry to hear of this news. On one hand, I agreee with Lemon and Noodle, on the other I would want more facts before making any decision. Obviously, you have got to confront her with what you know. I would not be afraid to LB if she starts lying either. At this point, you could be talking about your life. No room for lies.

If their ever was a time for openness and honesty from her this is it. I would literally only trust anything if I was the one who took WW to doctor, got her tested, and had the results placed directly into my hands. From there it depends on if disease is treatable, etc.

Friends,

I have opened the letter from the CDC that my WW sent to her Mothers house. The letter is a billing statement. My WW has been tested and she is receiving/recieved treatment. For what I don't know. All I know is that she has something.

My WW and I have not had sex for almost 4 months. I have checked myself, and I think since 4 months have passed I would have noticed something if I had caught an STD from her. I don't think that is the case, but for my own peace of mind I'm going to go get checked.

I now see why WW since Dday has not wanted me to have affection or sex with her. Granted maybe she didn't know that soon -Dday, but she does know since early Nov. approximately as she was tested on 11/22, and maybe she has wanted to protect me from what she has. I would like to think that she at least cares enough about me to protect me, I have to believe that she is at least that human.

I don't know what to do. I KNEW that she was having sex with OM/other guys, although I never had proof and she always denied. So nothing has really changed during all this. She has tried to protect me from this. So I have no anger for her, only sympathy. Sympathy for what she has done for herself.

I believe that she has been 'judged'. I have always thought that since Dday my WW has purposely rebelled against our faith and God. There is only so much that God is willing to take. Once he has given chance after chance, then comes the time for judgement. I just thought that we had more time. My feeble mind cannot comprehend God's timetable though.

I plan to not confront her on this until she moves out. Separation/Her own appartment has been all she talks about. Once she moves out I will go dark (Plan B, even though I don't know if I can save this M). I will then confront her that I know and that I'm sorry that SHE HAS DONE THIS to herself. I will be kind and caring, with no DJ's and LB's.

Prior to all this I was willing to take WW back without her apoligizing or showing remorse or even being kind. I was going to take WW back with only one condition, she verbally told me that she CHOOSES me and wants to work on this M.

This has all changed now. If this M is saved (and I don't know if I can) WW would have to come 180 degrees from where she is now. She would have to meet all my conditions, being a good W, meeting all my EN's even if I can't meet hers.... everything.

I'm sorry for such a long post, and ranting and rambling. I thought I was detached from this RC, but I guess I'm right back on.

Thanks for all the great posts!!! Native <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Native I am sorry for all your pain, but I think you need to confront her now. This is no longer just a marriage building problem, this is a serious health problem..

Sometimes I can't fathom why people put up with so much....

Hi native,

Whew.I just caught up on your thread here.I am so sorry about this new found dilemma.

Some STD's like the "triple threat"(Gonorrhea,syphilis,chlamydia)may not cause symptoms for many months(undetermined) which can lead to infertility.I am glad you are being evaluated.Then you can rest easy with a clean bill of health.

All this is just a painful reminder to your WW what consequences mean.It's sad.Anyway,I don't know what you will do now.I can symptahize with how this new added burden can affect you.There are certain aspects that some of us wil not try to deal with.Like for me,if my WH got the homewrecker pregnant.Puke.That to me is a deal breaker.Also,right now,not ending the contact or A is a deal breaker,obviously which is why I am D'ing.

Well,I know you have a lot of thinking to do.Sorry you have to endure this.My prayers will go out to you tonight.

O

You need to, and have a right to know what she is being treated for. What if it is HIV? You need to confront her NOW. Why go plan B, then come out of plan B to confront her, then go plan B again? Can you say total abandonment? The message you would send is you are dropping her because of her STD instead of her behavior which led to it.

Confront her, find out what it is. Maybe once she finds out you know, that will be her path home? Question: Who would have a letter sent to their mother's house from the CDC...and expect her not to open it or ask questions? Are you kidding me, she wants to get caught with this, she wants you to ask the freaking questions.

Just do it, what do you have to lose?

Xangel:Native I am sorry for all your pain, but I think you need to confront her now. This is no longer just a marriage building problem, this is a serious health problem..

Hi X,

Thank you for your kind words. I really want to, however I have made a commitment to God and MIL to pray for WW soul and to try and workout our problems till the end of Dec. I'm afraid that I cannot go back on my word. I could still pray and confront her, but if I do and she leaves that will severly limit my ability to reach her. Call me stubborn I guess.

Ogirl:All this is just a painful reminder to your WW what consequences mean.It's sad.Anyway,I don't know what you will do now.I can symptahize with how this new added burden can affect you.There are certain aspects that some of us wil not try to deal with.Like for me,if my WH got the homewrecker pregnant.Puke.That to me is a deal breaker.Also,right now,not ending the contact or A is a deal breaker,obviously which is why I am D'ing.

Thanks Ogirl, to me this would be a severe 'wakeup call'. I can't see how anyone would continue down this path once the consequences of their actions have been shoved into their faces.

WW has been raised in the church just like I have. For the life of me I can't see how this wouldn't scare her straight, can't she see that God has had enough of her destructive actions?

WW just left for work, and she took her party clothes and her overnight bag.

I'm hurting so much right now, I know that there is no justification for an A. I was unhappy but I didn't stray. That being said, WW is so determined to get away from me and live this single life I can't help but think that there is some truth to what she said. Maybe I am some kind of abusive monster, that has destroyed my family and my wife.

native,

No,no,no.Don't go there.You are in NO way responsible for your WW's CHOICE to commit adultery.Adultery is never the answer to anything,even if there is abuse.You get out of the marriage FIRST before cheating.It really upsets me that this still seems to be an option for people.We need a country wide change with this way of thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Your WW is on a downward spiral and she is going to bottom out one day.Whether or not you are around is your decision.Stay strong OK? You have those beautiful kids to show what love, integrity,dignity,truth,strength,responsibility and family are all about.

O

Bear,

Thanks,

I still swear that you and I are brothers (maybe in a former life, although I don't believe in that.) I had that same conversation with MIL. She had the letter sent there knowing full well that her Mother would find it.

As soon as I sent my last post I started thinking that maybe I should confront WW now in a day or two. That maybe once she knows that the all the pressure will be off. During the last 3 months I haven't told my WW that I know as much as I know.

Like you said, what have I got to loose.
Okay so how does one, go about this? How do you tell your spouse, the one that is supposed to protect you and share everything with you, that you know everything. All the blatant lies. Should I come clean with everything, the spy software on the computer, the Private detectives, everything?

I'm afraid that I cannot go back on my word. I could still pray and confront her, but if I do and she leaves that will severly limit my ability to reach her. Call me stubborn I guess.

Look Native, God knows what's in your heart. He knows how much you want your marriage to work, but he also doesn't want you to suffer. If you want him to help you, you have to help yourself as well. It seems like your scared that if you say something wrong, your going to chase her away,but you should speak up or else plan on continuing to be sad, cause that's what's going to happen.

Tell me something, is what ever your doing now working now?

Obviously not because she just took her overnight party bag right? So what does that tell you? It's saying that you need to take some action.

It seems like you already have it set in your mind of what your going to do so why post asking for advice, maybe you should just put "Need to vent" I'm not trying to sound mean. I hope someone will love me as much as you love your wife one day, but you need to take some action now.

Ogirl,

Thanks for the encouragment. Sorry about my weakness, I had a bit of a feeling sorry for myself moment there.

I don't know what a deal breaker is for me. I think her getting pregnant would definately be. Her getting an uncurable STD would be.

I don't know what to do. Maybe if I confront her she'll make the decision. I haven't been honest with WW either. I have a PI that has been following her, I've looked through her phone, call records, her purses, her car. Maybe once I tell her all of this she will say that she wants a D.

Tough call, at this point, if you plan to go dark anyways, I would lay it all out. You do need to lay out a case as to why the PI's, etc. WW will see it as invasion of her privacy. You'll even be called a psycho (I was), remember this is WW. Who is doing wrong, who is doing right? who is protector of family, who is harming it? Just remember those things and whatever she says won't hurt you.

I would make this an almost verbal plan B letter, where she is given clear options for her future and what steps she should take to reenter your lives. I highly doubt she will jump at the opportunity, in fact she may mock you. That's OK, this is groundwork for the plan B letter. The point of my earlier post was two fold.

1. You need to know about health matters involoving your WW because she is the mother of your children and need to know if there is any chance her disease could be spread (the towel sharing thing).

2. WW needs to know that you are going dark (when you announce it) because of her actions, not because she has an STD. (Of course, an STD could be reason for D, depending on what it is and its severity).

Native,

I am a FWH. After DDay I tested negative. If WS does not get tested then protect yourself, both physically and emotionally. WS should leave to protect kids and you. Yes, I will be blacklisted by this group but from what you have said she is out of herself and damn to you and kids. If she agrees to NC and testing then she can stay, otherwise out she goes. Plan B and beyond. If possible speak with Dr. Harley or Steve. Better yet see if WS would speak with them. Intervention is required.

I am lost as to why? So I go beyond why and protect kids and me.

Xangel

Thank you for your post. I did make a commitment, but I have felt wrong in not trying to do something proactive ever since I found this site. MB is for putting on a Plan A and trying to be the best spouse that you can be. That was never the problem in my M. I've always wanted to "Do something more".

I made that commitment to my Lord and MIL. However thanks in no small part to the many posters here and my own inner turmoil about not telling WW what I know I have decided to confront her before the end of the month. Probably in a day or two, when I have time to reflect and make sure emotionally I'm ready to confront WW.

Tell me something, is what ever your doing now working now?

NO, none of my Plan A, no Dj's no LB's nothing has worked. Your right. I've known for some time that this is not a typical A and that I have to follow my own gut. I have just gotten caught up in the MB concept, support from the people here. I've been thinking for sometime that I need to break free from the Plan A.