</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I know my husband really loves me and I am really going to put that in my mind when he says something to me and I will assume that everything that comes out of his mouth is for my benefit, for OUR benefit.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well .... let's just use an example:
Stanley says something typically dumb expressing where he is right now in recovery (behind you, by the way) .... "Myrta, I know you must have loved OM. He gave you something I could not."
What I have noticed is this: When Stanley expresses his hurt, it makes you uncomfortable, so you jump back, getting yourself further away from him. This jump back is to make YOU more comfortable, because his discomfort is too much for you.
I offer you this alternative action.... step closer in toward Stanley, emotionally nuzzel him when he's frightened and speaking his hurt in his typical way. Really get physically closer to him, lower your voice to a whisper, and speak soothingly. "I am here with you because you are MY man. I choose MY Stanley." Repeat if necessary. Do not anger. Get softer and softer, until he is soothed.
Do not assume he says these things to hurt you. Try to feel empathy
for him instead of jumping automatically right to your shame which then leads you to defensive actions.
Assume Stanley is not trying to hurt you.
Assume he is trying to reach you
through his pain by exposing his tender underbelly.
His hurt cannot be touched by your logical arguement Myrta, only by your loving actions.
Make sense yet?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pepperband, you are very energetic, and very spirited. How do you manage , how do you level your energy to be all positive at home, here?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am spirited in a way similar to you Myrta. Full of piss and vinegar. Sometimes afraid to show vulnerability. Not always willing to ask for help when I need it.
I worked through some of this after the D-day in therapy. I was referencing some strong determined act I did with the therapist, and I said, "Yeah, I can do that, I am a trooper." (I was sooooo proud of this self-imposed label "trooper" ... like a Girl-Scout merit badge, or some damn thing.)
Therapist said, "Go home, write out all the ways being a trooper has hurt you."
Myrta .... the list was looooong. No brownie points for not asking for help. No brownie points for silently enduring or noble suffering. There is no list in heaven for all the times I proudly took one on the chin because I am a "trooper".... Being tough can be a sin, I think. It shouts of pridefulness and a lack of humility. This was my toughest lesson Myrta. Learning to be soft when softness is the strongest action.
Other people on this board have the opposite dilemma. learning to be tough.... but you and I are tough ... but we need to trust that it is safe to expose our softness ...appropriately.
My life is as scrambled as anyone elses (at times). I have learned to be more flexable with myself. The business of boundaries is interesting. The boundaries we set are an expression of our own value system ... our core ethics and moral code. Life is a constant classroom. There are things that
should bend, and things that should not bend .... under certain circumstances. We are like individual navigators in our own little boat. Navigating the sea of life. The weather is sometimes calm, and there are storms and gale force winds as well. Our spouse is in his own little boat.... and we sail next to each other ... hoping we don't lose sight of each other. But I cannot set anyone's sail but my own.
Learn when to bend softly Myrta. And learn when not to bend but to put on your life-vest and simply hold on !
What a lovely ride Myrta. Don't you just love life !!!
Pep
<small>[ December 18, 2004, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
