cranky, cranky, cranky. i am feeling super cranky right now. i'm tired. i want to relax and feel loved. it's not that H is not doing anything to show his love, i have no big reason to be complaining. and yet tonight i am just cranky. luckily for him, he is out with a friend. (that is not why i am cranky, i was cranky even before those plans were made)

FL, Sorry you are feeling cranky. Do you think it is just the pressure of the holidays? Sending you hugs {{{FL}}}

no, i'm feeling ok about the holidays.

at IC today, she always asks how things are going with H. it's such a hard question to answer. we are very nice to each other most of the time. even when unpleasant things come up, we have managed to talk and get thru it. the past two weeks, 2 things occured, the old emails he found on my computer and a discussion about a neighbor and what they knew about our problems. neither thing was pleasant but we did ok.

i guess what is bothering me is how reserved H is. and i just don't know if that will ever change. will he ever be enthusastic that we are still married?

i know i have done a terrible thing but i still believe i have brought a lot of good into his life too. will he ever reconginize the good in me again?

but then i just get to wondering... did he ever?

and i know that is a bad path.

i'm trying to get into doing xmas cards here and or some wrapping of gifts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> will he ever reconginize the good in me again?

but then i just get to wondering... did he ever?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right...bad path.

I don't spend a lot of time over here anymore and have not read all your recent posts, but the fact that you confessed everything and your H stayed, I believe, is a very good sign.

Just remember, it's not even been 2 months yet since that date. There's a lot of recovery yet ahead of you. You'll have ups and downs.

And as for being cranky, maybe it's just in the air, or a full moon or something. I've been very frustrated and cranky lately (good that you don't have to deal with my novel-length vents over on D/D!) Even the tags in my shirt were irritating me a couple days ago!

Seriously, hang tough! I think you're doing well.

LL

It is good to keep your mind busy. I know I am having trouble with my H going back over the timeline in his mind and pretty much blaming his A's and all our troubles on my A. In some ways I do think it is my fault because keeping secrets means you are keeping part of your heart out of your r. We have not had SF since my dday and that is so unlike my H. He is really trying to process who he now sees me as and is really angry at times about stuff that has happened in between.

I am sure your H will be able to remember more and more the good once he processes all this information. Remember this is all still pretty fresh for him. I know I still am processing the stuff from my H's A's and some days it really catches me off guard.

Keep working on you. You are doing great. (she says in her best imitation of RIF)

thanks LL! nice to hear from you. i am sorry you are over at the D/D board now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

i know what you are saying is true, he did not leave and that is a good thing, a VERY good thing. but what if he is not leaving because i am just the better of two evils?

i know, i know, i should not entertain these thoughts at all.

he has directly said to me, i don't recall the exact words, that he might as well see if we can work things out because he is sure he would be alone if we split. i think that means he would not want to get involved with anyone new. i know he has to know he is very attractive, physically and personality wise. but i think he figures HE would not want to get involved with anyone new.

only been two months since complete d-day, that is true. but it's been over 8 months since the first one. i really didn't do us much of a favor not getting it all out the first time, did i? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

and yet, i don't think i could of done any better than i have done.

FF, you made me smile with you reference to RIF. has anyone heard from him yet? i expect he is home safe and sound by now!!

i think the ADs is impacting my sex drive now. and i'm not liking that either.

FF, forgive me, there are so many of us, i lose track of stories sometimes. how long has it been since your d-day?

Hi FL.

That is ok, I know your story because my own guilt was eating me alive and you were one of the reasons I knew he had to know and soon. My dday was around 11/18 so almost a month now. Still very fresh and painful for my H.

Our story is quite convoluted and messy. I had my A which ended over 7 years ago. I never told him. He had his first A almost 4 years ago. Then his 2nd A was earlier this year which resulted in OW 2 being pg. She is due end of Feb. 05. My h found out about my A last month from another person. I was on the brink of telling him anyway and am relieved to have it out in the open. That is a very abbreviated version of our sitch. Ughh.

you are good!!! i would never have been able to figure out how to tell my story in one short paragraph!! ok, so that was the humor part of this post. not that any of this is humorous at all!!

so no SF since he found out about your A. but are you guys talking about re-building your marriage. what about the OW being pregnant? is she single? you guys sure have some obsticles to get past. do you think your M will survive?

FL:

Whoa! Slow down!

You're rushing his recovery. He does not have to recover according to your timetable. You have to adjust to his.

Right now you're feeling a little down. You're feeling as though your BH is reserved. Well, don't turn this into a pity party. His recovery is not about you - it's about him.

Of course he's going to be reserved. He has a lot to consider. Clearly he recognizes your good points, otherwise it would be a "slam-dunk" and you'd be out of there. It is the fact that you have your good points and that he loves you that makes this a difficult situation for him to ponder.

But, you have hurt him, terribly and deeply. You have given him valid and just reasons not to trust you. You have set up a situation where you must demonstrate over the long haul that you are worthy of trust again.

Also, he is wounded, just as if you'd broke his leg with a baseball bat. Except, there are no physical trauma or scars that must heal. These wounds are psychological, and the healing is not visible. Would you bet all pissed off and cranky if you'd run him over and his bones weren't healing to your satisfaction? No, you'd be entirely understanding of the fact that bones take time to heal, and the body takes time to recover.

His recovery is not to inconvenience or insult you. I mean, suppose you ran over someone with your vehicle and they were having difficulties recovering. Perhaps they weren't going to regain the full use of their legs. Would you take that as some sort of personal insult against you? No, you would realize that some injuries take a long time to heal, and sometimes the person never fully regains their former strength or agility. I broke my arm when I was 19 at a summer job. It was brutal, with a piece of bone sticking out and considerable loss of blood. I received a pin in the forearm and was in a cast for 3 months and a splint for another 3. Guess what? It has never been the same since. The muscles never truly recovered, and the scar tissue is both less supple than the surrounding skin and more sensitive to heat and cold.

The accident was actually caused by a coworker, and it was a moment of inattention while we were stacking boxes. It was not intentional, and he was terribly guilty afterwards. But, he was not angry or upset with me that I had complications following surgery or that I've never been the same since in that arm. He may have to live with the fact that he caused the injury; but I have to live with it. In fact, I bear him no malice whatsoever since we were both at fault for the accident. But, the scars still itch, and the muscles are still weak.

Sometimes something happens that brings my mind to my arm and what I couldn't do since, or can't do tomorrow. But, for the vast majority of time, I am just damn thankful that I have any sort of arm at all, and for the most part it does what I need it to do just fine, thank you. It may not be perfect, but then, neither is the rest of me.

Don't give into that pity-party! Let your H heal. Yeah, maybe he'll always be somewhat "reserved" with you, but that doesn't make him a bad guy nor does it make your M shiite.

Hi FL,

Yes we are working on recovering our M. OW is single (twice divorced with 4 other kids). Have not decide on the contact issue yet since we are still early in recovery. I do have hope for our M. We are in MC with a great pro M counselor. My H does have a desire to keep our family intact, but we both have a lot to heal from. Our M was not very good before and we are working on really basic issues that we never really addressed before. But some days I do wonder if we can get past all this ugliness and hurt.

Give your H some time. I got some really good advice about patience and waiting for my H to heal in his own time from RIF and FH. I will look up the thread and give you a link.

FL,

Here is the link my thread

Hi Uphill,

i certianly appreciate your post however you need to slow down a bit too. I NEVER said i was pissed at my H. because i am not pissed at my H.

that still does not keep me from ever feeling negative. even though at this point i am figuring i am even more than 50% to blame for the state of our marriage, i am not able to always be totally up beat!! i am not in a pity party here. I am just dealing with my emotions.

i am working very hard at keeping tabs of my emotions, owning them and choosing my actions regardless of them.

this past weekend, on sunday morning, i woke up feeling a bit cranky then too. i don't do well when there is distance between us and although we are genearlly acting nice and respectful of each other, there is still emotional distance.

i woke up before him, and decided to get up and after reflecting on how i was feeling and after doing some praying. i wrote him this note.

(i surrounded the note with "I LOVE YOU"s.

Dear H,

This note is meant to communicate how i am feeling and then to communicate what i am choosing to do. The "I LOVE YOU"s surrounding this note are there to remind you that I am communicating with you due to my love for you.

I am feeling more and more rejected and unworthy of your love and forgiveness. I am feeling unappreciated for all the good I have brought into you life and our children's lives over the course of our entire relationship together. I am feeling the beginnings of some resentment. I OWN these feelings. They are mine. You do not couse them. They are MY response to external stimulus based on who I am and on my life experiences.

I am choosing to reflect on how I am feeling and determine what I need so I can contineu to have the patience you need. I am choosing to make you coffee, make my famous big breakfast, give the kids good hugs and then go to church to be in God's love.

Love, Karen

now I am curious. as a BH, is this a good note or a bad note in your eyes? i think it was good, it let my H know how i was doing and what i was doing to help myself. i believe it was written in a way that did not make him go into defensive mode. we ended up having an ok day that day, that is not the outcome that would of occured before.

thanks, i will go read that link. we are not in MC, H does not want to. i must admit that worries me, but then i still think we are doing fairly well. i have to trust him on this one, that MC is not what he needs.

your situation certainly sounds very hopeful to me.

FL, I`ve followed your story and as a BH (I`m starting to hate that title) I`ll try and offer some insite to your H at this time in recovery.

i guess what is bothering me is how reserved H is. and i just don't know if that will ever change. will he ever be enthusastic that we are still married?

Yes he will, just as soon as the bombs stop droping and he starts to trust you again. Takes about 6 months judging from myself.

i know i have done a terrible thing but i still believe i have brought a lot of good into his life too. will he ever reconginize the good in me again?
but then i just get to wondering... did he ever?

All he ever saw in you was good, or he would have been gone in an instant on DDay. Now however he sees there is some bad, broken. He`s struggling to understand what happened and if HE can fix it.

he has directly said to me, i don't recall the exact words, that he might as well see if we can work things out because he is sure he would be alone if we split. i think that means he would not want to get involved with anyone new. i know he has to know he is very attractive, physically and personality wise. but i think he figures HE would not want to get involved with anyone new.

There is a huge amount of love in this statement. You see FL its not that he would not want to, its that he CAN`T. He`s certain he`ll never get over you. Could never move on.

One last word of advice. Lighten up and start having some fun with your H. Just do it, movies, dinners, bowling just the stupid crap you did when you first fell in love. Do you remember?

How long has it been since you two have really laughed together?

RG, thanks for the post, it is always helpful hearing from BHs (if you think that title is bad, trying having to use FWW).

i read your first post ever and i laughed... do you remember it? you told the poster to go up to her H and slap him in the face and then demand one love letter per day for a month!! i didnt read on to see how that turned out.

it's actually getting late here and i should get some sleep for work tommorow. i did get the xmas envelopes done, 123 in all. probably be adding a few before the weekend is up. my list seems to grow every year!! my H is a photographer and does very unique (and nice) picture cards, he gets many compliments on them. i love to send them out to as many people as i can!!

anyway, i am not so cranky now. i think i am too tired to be cranky now. I have not yet heard from H but i will have to trust he will get home safely.

regarding if we laugh together, we have our moments but too often we are all just too busy. we were playing raquetball every friday but that has not been happening lately. i am taking off the next two weeks, kids are off of school too. i am hoping we will all enjoy the time together. your advice is excellent and i am thinking that maybe that is why i am cranky. too busy and not enough laughing. we will all be very happy come tommorow due to the start of the vacation.

thanks again, this board is very wonderful, don't ya think?

i'm going to sleep now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />