I feel so awful for doing that. I found out only 10 days ago that my husband's been having an affair. He is not able to promise me that he will stop contact at this point because he said he honestly cant trust himself that he will. Since he doesn't want to lie or break promises he is not going to make any at this point.
This woman has a boyfriend of 8 years who is helping her raise her 13 year old daughter. She is pushing for marriage with this man but he will not marry her. My husband said he does not know why. She and my husband have had a sexual and emotional affair for the past 5-6 mo. My husband is very adamant that he does not want her boyfriend to find out about this affair. They are unlisted and even my husband only knows his first name.
I've hired a private investigator to get that information and my husband knows this. I don't know if he's told OW. I doubt it because she would be furious with him.
What I need from my husband is a promise of no contact. Since this is so new I have decided that I will give him that time. My question is how long do I let it go on before I contact the OW boyfriend? I'm fairly certain that my husband is not her first affair and that this 8 yr relationship of hers with her boyfriend is mostly out of security reasons or something.
My husband and I started marriage counseling this morning. The counselor basically told us that at this time we need individual counseling and until he decides he can have no contact with this OW, then she can not help us. So, we set up our individual counseling sessions, which will start next week.
On the way home from counseling, he told me that over the years, he has been good friends with a few different women, as he feels he relates to women better than men. All this time I thought my husband had no friends, only to find out that he has plenty of women friends that he's lunched with. He said there was never anything sexual with any of them. He said he'd call them and they'd call him just to chat and "bull****." One of them that he hadn't talked to for a couple months called him just last week to tell him she was getting married finally to this guy that she'd told him all about. This womans name was never mentioned to me. And there have been other women friends like that. I knew none of this!!
He swears none were ever sexual except for this one that I caught him at. Of course not, right??!!
While we were having this conversation, I appreciated his honesty and it didn't really bother me. Now that I've been thinking about it though, I feel really stupid. Of course he won't admit to anything- I'm kind of thinking that this time he just got caught. I have been known to read into every little word he says and twist things around in my mind also -- so I am not really sure. Why he told me this, I am not sure either. He said that he wanted to get out anything that might come up later that I may get upset at, even though this was not any big deal to him but he knew it would be to me.

Suzy,

How well have you been doing at Plan A? Have you stopped the LB's and DJ's?

At this point I would back off for a bit, and not even bring up the OW or possible former OW's.

Do your plan A for a few weeks and see if he will promise no contact after that.

Just my take on it.

Be sure to come here and post before you do any exposure to get some ideas and support.

Take care Suzychapstick (luv that name girl!)

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 04:45 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

thanks for your reply, Weaver. I have to say it gave me a little different perspective. I'm so antsy to fix this immediately and in my heart I know it will take years or months.
I've done pretty good with the LB's but what the heck are the DJ's?
I've read Plan A and B very carefully and understand the concept of all of that - it makes so much sense. My husband knows I am frequenting this site and I have told him he should check it out too. I hope he will so that we can both have the same perspective on this.