I am a first time poster.....
I am 24 and dh is 29, we have been married for almost 2 yrs... but, have known each other and had an off and on relationship for a few yrs before dating seriously.... There is a lot of history between us.

We love each other very much, but our marriage has been under a lot of stress since the beginning. After being married for 6mths dh started talking to an old girlfriend behind my back... after about a mth of secret conversations they ending up meeting and kissing. I found out from the OW husband. I was devastated, but I understood how it happened as a result of what we were going through at the time. We decided to work things out, and going to counseling... after the first session we were even more angry with each other, and never went again. After about 2 mths things got better, and we moved on.

Dh is in the national guard, and was activated for deployment in May of this year. I was terrified that he would cheat while he was gone! Our marriage was doing okay though, and I felt I was over reacting.... well, it turns out that he had started to talk to another old girl friend, sending her emails saying that he had strong feelings for her...etc. I found out about this in November after he was already in Iraq. He cried and begged me to forgive him... and then cut all contact to all females he knows (as far as I know). I was so hurt that he was doing this... He started talking to a chaplin, who is a counselor in his civillian job, and was starting to make huge changes in himself!

We were working things out, and everything was going so great.....

Then I confessed my infedility that happened in Oct.

3 wks after he left the country... I was so depressed over him leaving, and me not being pregnant.... I was devastated! My coworkers were all getting together, going out to get some drinks and go to a haunted house. I didn't want to go at first, but as it got closer to leaving I really wanted to go and drink... I just wanted to drink a lot, and have everything disappear. I ended up drinking so much that I blacked out... I don't remember leaving the club!! Well, I slept with a co worker And to make things worse.... I did it again the next weekend with a different co workers friend.

I was/am so ashamed of what I had done!! That I haven't really gone anywhere since then... and defintly have stopped drinking.

I confessed everything to my husband last week... of course he was devastated, and very very angry. He is giving me a chance, but I have to follow his rules... which included: quiting my job, changing my cell phone number, stopping all contact with all male friends, being accountable to dh's parents, going to church, starting counseling, absolutely no alcohol, no going out.... I will do anything to keep from losing him, and everything I can to show him that I do love him. I am so sorry for the pain that i have caused him... I would do anything to take it back!!

After hours and hours of talking over the last several days... dh went from saying everything he could to degrade me and hurt me... To being more supportive, and loving than he has ever been...

We are trying to work things out. Some days are great, and it is like it never happened... and other days he is so hurt, angry, confused, scared and frustrated. I know that all of this is normal...but what can I do to help make it better?? I am doing everything he requested... and everything I can to change, but there has to be more that I can do...

What can I do to help ease his pain? What else can I do to help ease his fears that I will do this again (which I won't)?

He is in Iraq, and already dealing with so much without having to deal with this.... and he won't be coming home for good until next fall. I know that getting through this is going to be
much harder because we are so far apart.

I have never regreted something so much in my life!!!

Please help, I have got to save my marriage!!!

Rachael

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: rachaelm ]</small>

Rachael, there will be supportive people coming around soon, I'm sure.

Until then, let me see if I "hear" you correctly. . . . you were so depressed and worried that he would cheat on you that you, did WHAT??? You made a "mistake" and cheated on him instead?

What should you do? For starters, how about being honest with yourself and those whom you would ask for advice here.

Just a suggestion.
PM

papermom,

Sorry that I wasn't more clear....

When I said that I was depressed... it was because he left the country... The feelings that go along with a military deployment are difficult to understand unless you have experienced it.

Because I was depressed I went out drinking.... I ended up sleeping with someone because i was so drunk. I didn't plan it!! I didn't have a relationship with this person before or after that night...

I have a problem when I drink alcohol... which is why I should have known better than to drink without my H.

I am in no way justifing what I did.
What I did was horrible!

All I want is to make things better and to get my marriage back. I was hoping that someone here could give me better insight on other things I need to be doing.

bump... please help

Two wrongs don't make a right. If you feel horrible, well you should. Not only the infidelity but the health risk you took. Remember the pain you felt when you found out about his girlfriends. What made you feel better?

You and your husband have a long road ahead. Being in the military is difficult. IMHO, I certainly wouldn't want anybody I loved to be in Iraq. Perhaps you should get some counseling about your relationship and about drinking. If you drink so much in a club that you don't know what you're doing, you need help.

Good luck.

hurtingcarol- you are right, I do need help. I am starting professional counseling very soon.

I just want to clarify that it is not typical for me to go out drinking.... H and I only occasionally went out, and this was the first time i went out without him since we have been together seriously.

But, I do have a problem... because I wanted to drink so much that I wouldn't have to deal with anything.... Which I know was very selfish, and immature.

Hi Rachael,

I can understand the difficulties of being married to someone who is away a lot.It's not conducive to a healthy marriage but your story sounds like a classic case of conflict avoidance and poor decision making skills.Also,I am sure you are already aware,alcohol plays a part in a lot of bad behavior and it's clear from what you said that you have a problem with it.That is one serious issue to address right up front.You may have "slept" with some other guy but it could have been SO much worse.You undertand right?(rape,etc).Every time you drink,you put yourself at risk.And,unless you have a designated driver or someone whom you can trust completely with your care,you can get hurt.

This is why I never drink.I don't like the way people act,it affects your decision making,I could be take advantage of and I also want to set a good example to my children.I want them to know that you don't have to drink to have a good time or fall into the misconception that to be "fun" you have to be some kind of party girl.That just doesn't fly with me and it never will.So consider some professional help on that issue.

I also hope that you both used protection while sleeping around with other's.Nothing is 100% reliable like abstinence.

The next thing I would suggest is you get some books and start reading on how to improve yourself and your marriage.There isn't too much you can do as a couple until your WH comes home next Fall but that is a long time from now.You can't change other's,only yourself so get busy doing that so when your WH does come home,you can show him how committed you are to making your marriage a happy and healthy one and that you have tried to improve yourself.Start making some positive and appropriate decisions in your life ok?

Validation and fulfillment do not come from other's.It comes from within forst.If you keep relying on your WH to make it all better than you are bound to be failed.No one person can be everything to another.There will be less pressure and stress if you have a mountain of self esteem and selfworth/confidence to SHARE with your WH then trying to absorb it from him.Get excited and get busy at making a life that you can be proud of.

O

*edited for those pesky typos*

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

And very human. When we're in pain, we want it to stop. Drowning yourself in drink may have seemed good at the time. Now you know it isn't the answer. If you learn that lesson and learn to control the drinking, it is a BIG step.

These stupid affairs make us do things we never think we will. Our WS have a personality change. Our reactions to their actions sometimes bring out a side of us that we don't like.

Hang in there!

I have just made my first counseling appt... It is next tuesday at 2pm... I am praying that I have found a counselor that will be able to really help me.

Good for you rachael! It's a start.

O

I am not sure what to do.... I can only talk to H on yahoo messenger... and rarely on the phone. We have had a few good constructive conversations since D-Day... but for the most part he is very verbally and emotionally abusive. I know that this is because he is so hurt and angry. I try my best to stay calm, and reasonable... but, it doesn't matter what I say!!

I don't know what to do... when he is like this I don't know what to say... I say I am sorry over and over and try to reassure him of how much I love him, and that this will NEVER happen again.

Everything makes him even more upset....
Should we not be speaking so much??? We talk every day... if not more than once a day. When I don't hear from him I am so scared that something has happened, but when we talk it seems like things get worse.

I don't know what to do....

Please help

Rachael

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 05:18 PM: Message edited by: rachaelm ]</small>