First Post: I have been on the site about 3 months, and always seem to find someone else who has been in a simular enough situation, and has received help from the others to keep me from posting. (Long story short): It's been 3 months since D-day, 7 months since my wife informed me she wanted a divorce. She was justified not wanting to be with me any longer, I have not been by any means the husband she deserved in the past. Her calmly asking for a divorce while not in a heated arguement woke me up to what is important to me. Keep in mind I know nothing of the affair at this point, and when I asked her if there was someone else she ensured me there wasn't. Over the next few months I proved to her that I do want this to work, and I would not have to work too hard to prove it. I began to look at her like I did when we were 20 and dating! I could never fathom being without her again. At first I think she was willing to try for the sake of the kids, then it became obvious that she wanted it as well. 2 months into recovery, I feel pretty good about everything, she leave for a girls night out (friends B-day) and I get a phone call from the OM who feels he needs to inform me of the EA/PA for my benefit. Well it turns out I am being informed because she told him there would be no more contact the moment she made the commitment to me to try to make things work. So now he is the betrayed one, and wants revenge. Back to the birthday party... She is there with her frineds, and he shows up, she avoids him completely, and he now knows it's over and the husband should be informed! Now to the point.... I can handle the fact this happened I am partly to blame for the situation occuring, I still know I love her, and want her with all my heart, there has been no contact, and I know this and what she has told me to this point is true b/c I tapped the phone, and conversations regarding the situation are confirmed with her close and knowing friends. Now I am at a point where triggers and nightmares keep me from sleeping! I am lucky to get 3-4 hours a night. I can be exhausted at 9PM, go to bed and not fall asleep until 2-3AM. Short of medicating myself with perscription sleeping pills (I hate the idea) I have tried everything I can think of! Anyone out there expericence simular problems and overcome them? My job is being affected, as well as my motivation to be an active father and husband. Thanks in advance, and this site has truely being the best a huge asset in getting thru this!

Welcome, and two answers for you:

See a doc about depression and anti-d meds. You are a good condidate, like most here.

Second - change your name to Iwanther or Iwantmymarriage or I"want" anything instead of I"need". Understand? The fact that you are coping with your challenge demonstrates that you have all you need.

I agree with WAT!

Hi 'Ineed'

Please see my first post, "FWW & long time lurker. Success Story" in Gen Questions!

My husband went through everything you are going through now and all I can say is keep talking to your wife, and also that it takes lots of time for the marriage to get back to normal ..What you are feeling is normal and I dont think there is a way to speed things up. I hope you are sharing your feelings with your wife and that you are giving her all your love and forgiveness. That is what it takes for her to find a way to forgive herself for what she has put you through.

I wish you peace,
n_p

A slice of lemon, with 3 cloves pushed into the lemon, and a good teaspoon of honey and boiling water and a healthy dash of whiskey. (drink and enjoy and relax)

The sleep thing is that you have become hypervigilent. You feel constantly on edge about everything. I can't really help you coz I take so much stuff to help me sleep, I rattle. Melatonen isn't a sleeping med, so you can take that. It's quite good.

Do you exercise? Try a 40 min walk of an evening. Then try to watch something boring on tv for 30 mins before bedtime. tv is great at dumbing you down.

Sorry - it's an endless battle for me too. I thought of trying a sleep clinic myself

bedtime in this part of the world. <groan>

AN

Thanks for the quick response!

WAT: I went on Anti-D for a few months, it did not help with the sleep issue, and I really don't feel that Depressed. I see this evolution as something that will ultimately make our marriage stronger than ever before. A wake up call so to speak.

N-P: I just read you post after typing the above comment, what you have now is exactly what I see coming for us. It's a shame that it took an event like this for us to figure out what we really want, but ultimately I really believe my entire family will benefit from this, but it has certianly been at a high price. I guess in one aspect from you I was lucky in the sense she quickly realized (4 month EA, 2 month PA) it was a mistake and we should work things out. After the dust settled from D-day I asked her if she missed him, or thought about him much. She told me the only thing she would love happen would be for us to run into him together so he can see he did not break us apart, but actually made us stronger.

I believe that most of the time, but the defensive side of me questions everything, and in protect mode so to speak. There has just been so many ups and downs over the past few months, and things are well now. I just don't know if I could take another direct blow without going numb and throwing in the towel out of pride and protection. But thank you for your success story!

AN: I have tried your recipe minus the lemon, cloves, honey, and boiling water. Add ice! It works well, but again not healthy over long periods of time. I have never been one to drink out side of social occassion. I miss the Gym, and yes I am guilty of needing to get a bit more focused on "me".

Also: Name changed as suggested

Dear IHAVEHER:

I am going through the same sitch as you, that is not sleeping and I am against any type of sleeping aid. My job performance is being effected by lack of sleep. I don't drink so boozing myself to sleep won't help..LOL


As for the nightmares I also have had quite a few of those, it's the anxiety of not knowing everything and trying to figure out exactly what you need to do and what you want to do.

So this is what I did and it seems to help me on most nights.

I run fool speed into a wall and sleep like a baby... Joking, do not try this at home..


Seriously: What I found worked for me was telling my wife some of my fears and sometimes her reassurance helped me sl;eep better. I also found that on the nights she cuddled up with me I also slept nightmare free..

Talk to your wife, tell her about your dreams, she may be able to bring comfort to you.

Good luck and God Bless

Micheal, That response is probably the exact thing I need to do... For awhile we were being very open, but I began to feel the information I was getting may have actually caused the nightmares, so I stopped asking questions, and tried to just avoid the thoughts. Once you go to sleep you lose control of your thoughts and they take over in your dreams. I think a long chat and a good bottle of wine will be on tonights agenda. We sleep (spoon) every night now, but that poses a whole other problem with actually getting tired! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks!

IHAVEHER:

LOL, I know that spoon position can really stir some other thoughts.

I found that talking with my ww caused some of my dreams but more often then not it was from just not knowing.

My sitch is diffrent in the fact that your ww is willing to save your M, Mine of course is now on day 25 of no contact but is still looking at moving out in June and ending the M..

I would read up on Plan A and read the Book Her needs His Needs and the book Surviving an affair.

I have read SAA and it has helped me a little, I do need to read it again and take a highlighter to some of the info. Also read Not Just Friends.

Well I will look in on your thread throughout today and offer any advice I can.

Good luck

Hi again 'I haveher'

You are very welcome...I do hope my post brought you some measure of comfort in learning about my situation.

Yes I agree it is a shame that we have to go through the pain of an affair before we realize what is important to us. But in my case it made it all the sweeter to end up with a stronger marriage than ever before. The OM would be very unhappy to know how sweet it is that I am so content in my marriage and how close my husband and I have become since the affair ended.

Your wife made a huge mistake and I know she regrets every moment she was with the OM.. I know when she looks back she cant believe she could ever have done what she did. I know thats how I felt. I hated myself for hurting my husband the way I did. My husband is such a great guy and loves me and has forgiven me. The OM didnt hold a candle to my husband and I cant believe I ever looked his way.

It was, for me, an addiction, and I know the reason I got involved was as a result of my depression at the time. I started talking to the OM and he gave me his time and listened to all my problems, I really became addicted to him and thats why it took so long to let go. When the OM and I began to argue about silly things, I started to realize I didnt really love him, so he lost it and threatened to call my husband. I was so scared so I decided I must tell and I did one night. My heart still breaks when I think of that terrible night and how I held him as he cried, his anger, his pain, all for what? From that point the OM and I had NC but I was in withdrawals for a short time. Once I got my mind straight about what really mattered in my life, the OM and his memory were history. I realized I never loved him at all but was addicted to some kind of fantasy. It is a an awful chapter in my life, but I look back now and feel nothing but gratitude and I feel it happened for a reason because today my marriage is better by far than it was prior to the affair. I'm so very fortunate and count my blessings everyday. I know you will get there too.. it just takes time, like everything else that matters in life.

I wish you peace and a great night's sleep with no more nightmares. take care,
n_p

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: newfound_peace ]</small>

<BUMP>

N_P,

Thanks again, I'm sure everything will be fine. Just chatted with the W about your sitch and sent her a link to the thread. Will try to keep things updated.

Glad to see things are getting better for you, Sllep does come with time and answer's..

The biggest thing that helped me was not asking any questions until I new she was ok with it, and she never told me anything unless I new I could handle it calmly..

So great job on getting sleep, Me i'm still working on it but again 1 day at a time