I am so frustrated and hurt right now. WH says that he wants to work on our relationship and be together but his actions say something completely different. He went out after work last night (11 pm) to a friends to play darts - didn't get home until 5 am. Gets annoyed that I ask him about his whereabouts. He said he would call me from ther - he didn't. I asked him his plans for next Thursday. OW, with whom he says A is over is having a party after work. He wants to go. I said I would go with him - if it means that much to socialize with other people from work. He says to me that I blew that - that she will not want me there and it is to late for her and I to be friends. WTH????? The LAST thing I want is to be friends with her! I can't believe the crap that comes out of his mouth. He also has told me that she is his best friend - next to me. I told him today (in a calm yet assertive tone) that he can not have the best of both worlds. If his relationship with her is that important to him I will not demand him to give it up, however I will not be here for him. If he wants a relationship with me he needs to commit fully to me, and break off contact with her. He said that he is going - alone - to her party. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Then he proceeded to state that I am being *simple* and making things harder then they need to be.

Honestly I am at my wits end. He is sucking all the joy out of my life. I have so much to be happy about - a new baby boy, 2 beautiful little girls - this used to be my favourite time of the year. Now I spend half my days fighting back tears. Really I don't know if I have it in me to continue trying to work on our M. I wish I knew what happened to the wonderful man that I married.

Thanks for Listening

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: Jenn_27 ]</small>

For your marriage to survive, he must have no contact with OW. Sounds like he is still very foggy. Have you done a good Plan A?

Lots of fog there. WS all say the exact same thing. We don't understand and are crazy. He's a cakeeater like my WH. I can't give good MB advice. I'm too new to it and hurting too much.

Set your boundary and keep it. I'm trying hard with this too. They destroy our families for some stupid woman. Idiots! WS think only of their needs.

Figure out what you need and go from there. I'll be thinking of you.

Jenn,

I hate to be blunt, but: you gave him a choice. And..he made it. He chose her. I know that hurts. But...now the question is what you are going to do about it. He made the choice. He should reap the consequences of that.

If I were you....I'd seriously consider a Plan-B arrangement. Also...have you exposed his affair yet?

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: AndrewA ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you done a good Plan A?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not sure that I really understand what plan A is - but I can say that I spent the pst 7 weeks giving my all in this relationship. I have been making the extra effort, and things were going well with us but now they seem to be slipping way back. I was not speaking negatively about OW or about the A. He was not speaking to or about her. Now I feel like we are back at square one. Even though he insists that they are just friends.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also...have you exposed his affair yet?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I have

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I were you....I'd seriously consider a Plan-B arrangement </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am. I am just not sure if I should do it now or wait until after Christmas. If it were just me here I would have him packed already, however I have two little girls who I need to think about. They have also been through a lot the past few months and I just want them to be happy with no worries for the Holidays.

Jenn,

I'd do it now. If his little girls suffer through a bad Christmas...it will be on HIS shoulders.

You've been clear with him. The affair has to end. He's been clear with you: the affair is more important than your marriage.

If the OW is so important to him...let HER fill his needs.

From what you posted yesterday, it sounds like your mom is pretty supportive. Does she live nearby?

I wanted my kids to have the happy Christmas too. So did WH. He wanted me to lie to his parents, not question his activities and accept everything he was doing. Sorry, I not for me. I couldn't live with the lie.

Your kids are younger than mine. It makes a difference. You know your kids best. Are they young enough to just see that Daddy's home and there are presents? Are they a little older and can feel the tension in the air? Maybe you need to set the boundary in your mind for after Christmas. December 26 and he's out? Somehow, you need to feel you have some control.

At my house, we're going to have as good a Christmas as we can. I'm not sure WH is clued into the fact that he's not welcome. Well, he is welcome but only if he's in complete NC with OW, that is. It's not going to be a traditional Christmas but it will be our Christmas. At least I will be able to be true to myself.

(((((hugs)))))

Jenn,

Who have you exposed the affair to?

Your parents and his parents are a must. And...the OW's husband or boyfiend, if there is one.

It may also be time for you to move to the next level - and tell his boss and her boss.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'd do it now. If his little girls suffer through a bad Christmas...it will be on HIS shoulders </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I get what you are saying but I really don't know if I can bear that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> From what you posted yesterday, it sounds like your mom is pretty supportive. Does she live nearby? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope, 6 hours away, and I will not be seeing her over the holidays.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who have you exposed the affair to?

Your parents and his parents are a must. And...the OW's husband or boyfiend, if there is one.

It may also be time for you to move to the next level - and tell his boss and her boss.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everyone knows. His family - my family - friends. When we were seperated before I had the baby he was openly seeing her. As for her boss - that would be him. His boss knows and told him to keep it outside of work.

I am so torn. I wish that there was an easy answer to all of this. I am feeling so angry - it took all my self control not to go and tear a strip off of her today, for being such a mean, manipulative person. But I know that she has no loyalty to me - or anyone - she is a single person. WH is the one that deserves this anger. I am not sure that she deserves the satisfaction of knowing that she is getting under my skin.

I suggested that I drive him to work today - we have one vehicle and I have lots of things I need to get done. He works 20 minutes away - he is dead set against that idea. No explanation - he just said that I will have to wait until Monday to get my stuff done. I can't use the truck. Kinda makes me wonder what he is up to.

It may be time for you to try the 180.......

If he is hell bent on going and you aren't welcome that's bull..He should not go...He should not want to go..

They are "friends"..The A is over..Why is it over? Because he got "caught"??? Affair partners staying friends can easily slip back into a relationship..Ask my WH he has many "friends".

Good Luck sounds like he wants his cake..and to eat it too..

One good reason?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">a new baby boy, 2 beautiful little girls </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are three! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for your approach, I would suggest that you start counseling here with the Harleys (888-639-1639) or with Penny Tupy at SYMC. You need a plan Jenn, and you need it quick.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One good reason?


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a new baby boy, 2 beautiful little girls
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are three!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know K - and they are the reason that I have even put up with any of this. But how good can it be for them to be living in an enviroment where there is so much tension and pain?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jenn_27:
<strong>Everyone knows. His family - my family - friends. When we were seperated before I had the baby he was openly seeing her. As for her boss - that would be him. His boss knows and told him to keep it outside of work.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe if you mention the pocket book? If things go South the company can be sued for sexual harrassment. If his boss has a boss/s... then take it higher.


Whose name is the car under? If it is both names I would (not sure about ramifications if it is under his) Pack it up and head for Grandma with the little ones to spend Christmas with.

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: Just_li'l_o_me ]</small>

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 08:21 PM: Message edited by: Just_li'l_o_me ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Whose name is the car under? If it is both names I would (not sure about ramifications if it is under his) Pack it up and head for Grandma with the little ones to spend Christmas with.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The car is under his name. I know that if I called my Mom I could go there but I just don't want to do that. I really feel the need to spend Christmas at home, with my kids. I guess part of it is that I don't want to look like I am running away from my problems.

Jenn....

I just kicked my WH out yesterday.

Last Christmas eve WH spent with OW. He wouldn't come home (he lived in the town where he works with OW - I didn't know about the A then).

I really, really wanted WH here with me this Christmas. I found out he is in contact with OW.

At least MY Christmas will be spent with my kids and grandchild. Peaceful. Fun.

Let WH cry in his beer. Let OW take care of him.

Stand up for yourself and your children. Don't let your WH drag you down. I know from experience, they can do that real quick.

There is no other way. I know...I've tried my way. It doesn't work.

K

K,

Thanks for your insight. I am so greatful for this board right now.

He just called again - I didn't check the call display and I answered it. He agreed to go and stay at his Mothers house. (I am so relieved that he isn't heading staight to OW house - though I fully realize he could end up there) I was calm, and polite - he seemed confused - like he was expecting a big fight. He was planning to bring the boat home for the winter tommorow and made a comment about I probably won't let him leave it in the garage. I just said of course you can, I am not out to argue or to fight with you. Our lives are both complicated enough right now with out making things more difficult. I reminded him that I love him and the kids and I would love for him to be here with us however I am not willing to compromise on the issue of NC with OW.

I have to be somewhere tommorow night for 2 hours so he will be coming here to spend that time with the children. I hope that it goes well with him and I. When we were seperated a few months ago things went beyond nasty. I do not want that again. I don't have the energy for any of it.

Wish me Luck with my Plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jenn_27:
<strong> - he seemed confused - like he was expecting a big fight.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure ... it is easier to make you the big bad wolf for justification running to OW. Watch out for pushing your hot buttons ... my xW did that for 2 years and drove me insane, until d-day#2.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Wish me Luck with my Plan B. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Luck is a good plan that go accordingly. Have you give him plan B letter ? It must be pitch dark plan B ... you try separation and it did't work last time. Have you thought the conditions for dropping plan B ?.

To answer your thread title ... read my sig !.

-rh-

<small>[ December 25, 2004, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>