Date 12/17/2004 Day 25 of Nc for WW.


Well Today is not a good day for me, I feel like I have zero confidence in myself and how to truly run my Plan A.

WW seems to have a better understanding of what she wants then I do. All I can think about is how much I want to save my M

Today I plan on cooking Dinner again and maybe starting some laundry and playing some music in the house, something that will lighten the mood in here.

Kids are doing ok, they feel a lot of pressure because of ww and her talk of leaving this weekend. I plan on telling my story and making it a link on here, maybe I can do that later tonight.

I slept three hours last night and woke up today feeling lost and lonely.

I need to start eating pretty soon here, My strength is being sapped away. Last night Daughter got mad at me bacuse I was not eating dinner again. WW even mentioned that she is worried about me. I told her that I ate while cooking and they seemed to have baught it.

I did however cut back on my coffee, I'm down to a pot a day instead of fouir or five. I would love to quit smoking but feel it would be to much to try at this time, maybe in June I can try.

I feel like this pain will never go away and I no it's me doing it to myself, I look in the mirror and tell myself to stop and smile and be happy but then OM and WW pop in my head and my day goes to He!! .,...

Well maybe this Journal will help, who knows.

Today my word for the day is: Pain

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: Mschluter ]</small>

Msch, Relax. You are alive...that is important. Just keep breathing. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are in such a hard time...all you need to do is get through each day. Cooking, laundry, and music are a great start. Try to feel better and not be so hard on yourself. There will be a time when you feel stonger, better and more alive. I will be thinking about you and sending you warm wishes. Take Care.

Michael,

I don't remember if you said you were on AD's? If not please consider them.I can't stress enough how much they helped me stabilize: emotionally,physically,mentally.If you are not sleeping and eating well and downing coffee and nicotine each day and you are an emotional wreck,you WILL crash.You don't want this to happen while you are taking care of your kids or on the road.See what I am saying?

If anything can pull you together it should be the thought of your children finding you unconscious or worse.Please do what it takes to make sure this doesn't happen.I now you are struggling right now.We all know how that is.There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I also just wanted to say that when you are feeling really down like it sounds that you are,please just rest and take it easy.KNOW that this is to be expected and to ride it out.The downs on the coaster are bad but you do come up eventually.Each time I was down I made sure I didn't expect to much of myself until I was feeling a bit better.

Glad to see you are still posting with us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

Mike, hope you dont mind me calling you that, I think a journal is great, I have one here, and I have one I actually "write" in, there is alot more in that one. It does help, if for nothing else then to get it out, I truly pray for you, I hope things get turned around for you, its so hard to have faith that God way is the right way, especially in times like this when you think "there cant be a God", have faith Mike, it has turned everything I do and feel around, I used to think ALL the time about what X was doing and how she was doing it etc.... it doesnt help, as you know. I started noticing that since Ive found this faith, those thoughts come fewer and fewer between, and when they do, they are shorter and usually turn into something completely different.

Do you pray? Alot? If not, might want to try, its so peaceful, especially when you pray for others to.

Today I found myself on one of those drives you have no idea where it will take you or when it will end. I did a lot of thinking and ended up near a library where I went in just to get out of the car and to to be around people.

After some browing and looking and basically time killing, I went to that section all of us have found ourselves standing in front of. Standing in this section made me feel bad, Guilty, hurt and it also reminded me of that time I baught my first pack of condoms...LOL funny how these things pop up.

Well I did find a book called " the power of the praying Husband" It was like being drawn to a warm fire and yet I was scared.

I ended up signing up for a library card because after ten yrs I guess they expire....

But I drove to the local park where I sat on a bench ( very Cold ) and read three chapter's..

I said some prayers and asked God to please help me because I fear the road I am headed down, I fear that one day soon this pain will overtake me.

My WW is now on day 25 and I explain how proud I am of her every day.

I try to wash away my doubts with coffee and God, not a great mix but one that works for now.

Hi M,
Wow, I wanted to look in on you, and I'm glad I did.

Well Today is not a good day for me, I feel like I have zero confidence in myself and how to truly run my Plan A.

The beauty of running this is that you can judge your success on how well you run it, not on what she says or does. We're not grading on a bell curve, we are judgeing you solely on how you run your plan.

A persons POV depends on where they are when they start the day. YOu can be subject to her moods, and actions, or you can start from a different place. It's not easy, It is NOT, but it's better than the other choice.

Spend your time thinking "what else can I do today?"

Not-

"What if she doesn't accept what I am doing?"

Remember, you get points for doing things right, even if she doesn't accept what you are doing. That's why you go on doing the best you can.

You know what honor is.
Some people have it, some people don't have it.
Live your life with Honor. For you, I don't believe there is any other way.

SS

We must have been writing at the same time.

I believe in Prayer, it is a life saver for me. I recommend it to you.

Did she leave? Is she at her mothers?

I am not sure what is going on now, havn't had time to read up on every one.

SS

Did you see this post?
Success Story

A husbands plea

Michael Schluter 10/12/04

How can I tell you how I feel,
when you never have time to truly hear me?
When all that consumes you are work and distant thoughts,
when will you truly have time?

When you see me close off my emotions?
When I seem distant from you?
When you realized you have shut me out?
And that I've realized I have become second to you?

And only will you choose to hear my voice because you have noticed it's been a while?
Or because you feel loneliness creeping into your soul as I often do in your silence?

Sometimes I wonder if you even hear my voice?
If I actually exist in your so-called hectic life?
But even then, I have to ask;
don’t you miss me as I do you?

And if you have just now realized by me writing this to you,
how often you neglect my emotions, my existence, and me whether intentionally or not.
Would you have noticed, if I have never said anything at all?

One day you will wait to hear my voice and I may not make a sound,
One day you may realize how quiet it is around you while silence deafens your ears,
Then you will realize that's its not because I am not around,
It's simply because the day you chose to hear me,
I had nothing to say!

I have decided to add some of my poems to my threads to help me feel better..

Did you write poems before this happened? Funny thing happened to me. I had never wrote a song before in my life, since my wife's affair I've written four!

I just hope the creative juice doesn't dry up. I hoping to write some happy songs soon.

Miker

I have always had a pasion for poetry, It helped me pass the nights while I was oversea's and away from my wife and kids. I found that may of my letters home were poems of affection and hope.

The ww has kind of killed all my passion of late any and all dreams are gone and all that remains is the shell of who I may be.

michael,

The ww has kind of killed all my passion of late any and all dreams are gone and all that remains is the shell of who I may be.

I've posted to you on several occasions, and you've never once responded to any of them. The statement you make above is perhaps at the root of your whole situation. If you are/were so co-dependent on your W that you were not whole without her, that, in and of itself, is not a good thing.

You need to own up to who Michael is. What is he all about? Your WW is involved in an affair, she was not hit by a truck and snatched from this life. If that's what had happened, what would Michael do?

Sitting and pondering about what a raw hand you've been dealt will do nothing for you later today or tomorrow. Taking ACTIONS that make you feel better about yourself will MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE in the world about later today or tomorrow.

You cannot let this paralyze you. You must take charge and empower yourself though positive action to get through this mess. What have you done for you lately? In order to survive all of this, you must find your inner strenght, and your direction in life, and pursue it without doubt or worry. Regardless of your efforts, your WW may never return. You must go forward with the idea that YOU are going to be OKAY, regardless of whether your marriage survives or not.

Please believe in yourself, and get with your God to help you in these troubling times. All is NOT lost. You are temporarily lost, but with God, you will find your way. God would not give you troubles you are not strong enough to endure.

Bless you, Michael!
SD

Shattered Dreams:

I've posted to you on several occasions, and you've never once responded to any of them. The statement you make above is perhaps at the root of your whole situation. If you are/were so co-dependent on your W that you were not whole without her, that, in and of itself, is not a good thing.

I am sorry if you felt that my not responding to your post's was in any way disrespectful. At one time there were so many people writing to me that I had trouble answering all the threads. But i'm getting a batter handle on all of this copy/paste/bold thing..LOL

And thank you for coming back and taking the time to write again.


You need to own up to who Michael is. What is he all about?


Michael was someone who believed in his ww at one time, Michael is someone who had many dreams but felt that those dreams should wait because the children and the wife needed so much more then he did.

Michael is about saving his M and not letting some two bit little f*g come sneaking into his M and stealing his wife. I spent 12 yrs of my life serving my country and standing tall while doing it. I will not let some little piss try to take my wife from me, thats what Michael is about.

Today your post woke the bear in me, your F*cking right it was just an A and yes it tore my Heart right out of my chest and I would still be here if A truck hit her, the driver would not. lol


Sitting and pondering about what a raw hand you've been dealt will do nothing for you later today or tomorrow.

I don't think I dwell on her A I just wonder what I can do to make my Plan A better.

A very Nice poem that we all should follow..


Not by me but one that was sent to me by my Brother's wife.


A Letter To God


I wrote a letter to God today,
in it I prayed for you.
I asked him to watch over you, protect you, and forgive.
But most of all I asked him to love you.
You say no one does, but then you tell the one who loves you the most,
"Go, Away, leave me alone!"
I said a little prayer that you will be comforted,
for each tear I shed is a tear for you.
God has to respond soon, just for you.
I told him you were sad,
I told him about the empty feeling,
He knows about the anger,
He has seen the tears.
But most of all he sees my love,
and knows that you know it is true.
He will love you when I can not,
and if you say go away,
he'll love you more,
I said a little prayer for you
a tear did I shed.
He hasn't answered yet,
will you?

How many of us have had this feeling..

Michael Schluter 08/05/04
Broken Bonds of Marriage


Tonight you told me
you were unfaithful to me
once…no
Twice…how
A few times…
Echo…A few times…in 10 years….
Oh….
Thoughts…Bond broken
Last thing we had left was that we WERE faithful
Echo…Bond broken
Silence….
More silence….
How do I feel?
Makes me sick to think of…
More silence….
I didn’t want the emotional entanglement of an affair;
I chose to do this instead.
Not a love affair…
Just sex…
Echo…Just sex…
Thoughts…a favor for me?
Told you I was going to…
Thoughts…saying and doing…quite different…
Silence…
More silence…

Thoughts…what is worse?

Falling in love with another
who you never touch…(his crime)

or touching many others
who you never love…(her crime)

SD,

What a beautiful post. I wholeheartedly agree w/you. This is what I have been trying to explain to Michael when we speak over IM.

Michael,

Please listen to shattered. This is what I've been trying to get through to you. God is calling you, my friend. He is calling you so strongly & I heed you to hear Him. Why do you think, when you were having those thoughts, and you know what they were, that we started talking b4 you left w/your W. I saw you posted at wee hours in the morning (for me anyway it was wee hours) & you didn't do what I was afraid you were going to do.

As I told you b4, use this time that your W is away to really take the time & read your Bible, study that Bible (I sent you an e-mail w/your first lesson) & get to know Him fully. Let Him really become a part of your life. Not just going to Him when you have a problem, but integrating Him in every aspect of your life. This is very important, Michael. I hear you saying, God please help me. God, please help me, and He wants to help you, but you have to be willing to accept His help. This means that you have to be willing to accept ANY way that He is going to do that. You have to have an open mind & an open heart.

When my H first left, I felt the same way you're feeling right now. I was crushed. I didn't think I could go on if he wasn't in my life. I was co-dependent on him to the extreme. After I confessed my sins to God, He showed me that what I was doing was called idolatry. I was putting my H ABOVE God. H was anything & everything. I loved him so much. He belonged to ME. He was MINE. Well, guess what? He wasn't MINE. He was GOD's. I had to learn that I didn't NEED my H in my life for me to be happy. I WANTED him in my life. Big difference. The only One who I NEEDED was God. The same is true here. You don't NEED your W to be happy, Michael. You NEED God. He is the One who is going to give you the peace you are longing for. He is the One who is going to fulfill your life in so many ways you never thought possible. If you take your focus off your M right now & focus on God, learning as much as you can, devoting your time to Him, you will find that peace & still be able to smile despite the circumstances around you.

Another important thing -- if you continue to look around you at your circumstances, you will begin to sink. Keep your eyes focused on God & He WILL give you the strength to recover YOU, regardless if your M succeeds or not.

Love in Christ,
Y

Update 12/18/04 Day 26 of WW's NC:


Well last night was not a great night by far, I had a very lengthy talk with ww. She opened up to me once again and gave up some of the secrets in her A.

She told me that she wanted a divorce and I told her that I would gladly do anything that would bring happiness into her life even if that meant a divorce, WW cried and told me that she was not sure if that was what she really wanted. which lead into the above talk after some three hours of alone time.

I spent a little time on yahoo talking with GreyCloud, What a very interesting and talented person. He made me laugh and he made me really think outside the box of what I call my Marriage.

Thank you GreyCloud for all your kind words last night and just the conversation was welcome.

WW was planning on going to MIL's today for the weekend but has decided that it would not help us for her to be away at this time.

WW wants to get along and needs time to get through this withdrawal. WW admitted that she has feared opening up to me and worries that I will lose my temper and go after OM ( I have already tried once ) <---- whole nother thread


To me this Om is a spinless little girl, less then a bug under my shoe and spittle on a wall. He is a worm that needs to be put on a hook and fed to something nasty. I would rather do nothing more then spend my day beating on him like a little Bi*tch he is. Om told me that he has no feelings for ww and that as long as she throws herself at him he will continue to sleep with her, also told me that if I touch him he will have me arrested and sue me.

Of course the night I went after him the officers had more feelings for me then om who they thought was a scumbag. so I got off somewhat easy. even though it took a few officers to remove me from his front windshield while he cowardly ducked down in his car.

Yes this is a vent post because I'm tired of all the OM's and OW's that try to sneak into our homes and steal what is treasured by us. I'm tired of OM's and Ow's that play on the emtional needs of our spouses while blaming them for it all.

I made it clear to ww that I never want her to tell me again that Om is inoccent in all of this. That first sf they had it was him that invited her into his bedroom knowing what he wanted.

My patience with Om is wearing so thin that you could see through it and even blow air through it.

I'm tired of little pansy om's not being men enough to come face us BS's and deal with our anger like men. Instead they hide and sneak and pretend, they are worthless beings'

You all have mentioned that a ww or wh have a character flaw in them that may cause them to have an A, has anyone ever thought that the real character flaw is in the OM and OW these are people that don't have the sense toi find there own so they pray on the weakness our spouses are going through.

My ww told me that she sat on the phone the first 7 weeks of her A and told om everything I was not and what she needed, and wow by some miracle he was just what she needed. geee the little piss ant new what was missing in my ww's life so he filled it and got laid.

Yes the bear in me is very much awake and i'm just tired of Om's and OW's pulling this crap and getting off the hook. Of course I realize my ww could have said no, could have walked away, could have told me, could have tried talking to me, but I was not there. I was on my pc or looking for work or telling her later or some other little pesky task that kept me from looking her in the eye and letting her see my failures as a husband and as a father.

I hate when people come on and say things like , life does go on and you will survive. Of course I will survive I have three kids and a cute smile. I know I will survive, what I really need is help to stem the LB's and help to control this hate I have for OM's and OW's.

I have faith in God and I am currently trying to find my way into his light, but some days I feel like he has turned his back on me.

I have done so much to be proud of in my life but the past ten yrs of my marriage I hold no pride in, because I am to blame for most of what my wife has done and said. I notice not so many visit my thread anymore, maybe some of you have given up on me and thats ok.

Well this is my journal so i'm allowed to ***** a little and be angry and be hurt and be upset and be really really really angry at OM and myself for giving him the key to my lighthouse...


GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


Well here is to all of you that think i'm wrong for not walking away and here is to all of you that support my choice to fught for something I have faith in and believe can be saved. All I have to do is deal with the worm that crawls across my yard looking for the wife.

Thanks for listening

Hi M,
Glad you have a place to talk. I think we all need it sometimes.

I have faith in God and I am currently trying to find my way into his light, but some days I feel like he has turned his back on me.

He won't turn his back on you. And I know he can still perform miracles, but it seems like most of the time he just helps us do what is needed.

We grow, and our next test is a little easier.


As far as people not being on your thread - weekends are slow, I think if the truth were nown, many here have more time to post at work, than at home.

What did you personally get from that 3 hour conversation? Did it help you?

SS

Well this is my journal so i'm allowed to ***** a little and be angry and be hurt and be upset and be really really really angry at OM and myself for giving him the key to my lighthouse...

Yes it is! I couldn't agree w/you more.

I have faith in God and I am currently trying to find my way into his light, but some days I feel like he has turned his back on me.

And you're doing an excellent job, Michael. It takes some time but I think you're on the road there!

what I really need is help to stem the LB's and help to control this hate I have for OM's and OW's.

And you'll get there. It all takes time & PATIENCE. Like you said to me, you wish sometimes God would HURRY UP & DO IT ALREADY! LOL Just keep following that light Michael & you'll get there.

I don't know what it is about you, Michael that drew me to your threads, but I felt an instant connection as soon as we talked. Maybe God led us to one another to help each other. In any case, I'm glad to have met you & I'm proud to call you my friend.

BTW, told my H about AA & he's definitely going to look you up! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Talk to you on Yahoo.

Love in Christ,
Y