MS is awake, alive, healthy, and his life is improving.

Don't forget in these deep, dark, viscerally painful times, that you are experiencing the effects of a very real chemical adjustment in your brain.

But those feelings don't make your situation any worse than it was when you were feeling very good just a day or two ago.

They're just the effect of your mind processing the trauma of what's happened in your life.

Regardless of them... you are safe, you are well, your family is well, and things are going to be great for you. Say it a few times, and go eat some Oreos or something.

Ever heard the Jayhawks' song, "Smile"? There's a great verse in there, might appeal to you, that goes,

Before you climb the mountain
First the foothills must appear
Step high and light
And take up your staff and shining armor

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

GC

For some reason today, I can't shake these memories of OM and WW.. It's like a knife inside my guy,

WW came home for lunch and she could see something was up, she gave me a hug and a kiss and even asked me question's like, What made you feel this way? Can you stop it when you feel it coming, you know I have come to far. She even told me it is getting easier...Could my wife really be there in the fog?

UPDATE Day 29 of No Contact for WW..


Things are a little rough here and for once it's not because of the A or the R..

The time I was out of work because of depression, My company put me through the system as medical Leave and never sent me the paperwork to be completed, which caused me not to get paid this week. So to say the least the ww is very upset because now there will be no christmas for the kids. This pay check was what we planned on using to do christmas shopping with...

I wish I had more time to vent but i'm to much in a bad mood and trying not to vent on ww and she is actually trying not to vent on me, What happened with that saying that God will never put more on you then you can carry? well this is a load that needs to be lightened soon..

It's clear that financial security and support from you is very important to your wife.

All your kids are in school. Why can't she work more?

GC

My youngest is only is school half-days..

And yes finacial support is her biggest thing.

Hopefully through IC I can fix the flaw that is in me since leaving the military and find that focus again. I talked with my Boss today and only because of my honesty is he willing to work with me so that I don't lose this job. He is going to bat for me and has given me the next three days off with pay to get my Sh*t together.

Well We are at the end of day 29 and we are doing ok..We had a rough day today but we finished it with a nice talk about working together to resolve issues instead of placing blame.

WW is telling me that it's getting easier not thinking of OM but I just get this feeling she found a way past PI and has been in contact with OM..

Is this being stupid or is it possible she really is trying and doing good.

When does that trust kick in..?

Mschucter:

Good for you my freind, but get your skinny [censored] back to work, YOu can't live lke this, Why do you not work almots 40% of the year, Is it depresson, your wife, waht?????????? YOu have to chnage this pattern bud,or you are undoubtedly relief it, Ugghh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I wish I knew, It's like I have lost something and feel I need to find it. In part yes my wife, Her A in the present and the past have had an affect on me. But I can't blame it all on her, I think I just lost that focus I used to have, That passion for what drives people to get up and go.

And your right, Hopefully with IC, I will be able to gain that focus back and be the Provider my wife feels I need to be and the Provider I know I am.

Thank you LemonMan,

Sometime's it's the smack that gets us going and the cold hard truth.

UPDATE: 12/22/04

ww is now on Day 30 of nc and doing really well. Kids seem to be happier and ww is actually spending time with me and the kids.

We both realize that the kids will not be having a christmas this year because of my company screwing up the medical papperwork, But we realize that we will make it up to them on my next pay period.

If we can survive her A we can survive this.

I can't thank you all enough for helping me through the dark day's..

Well we finished the night really well, There was no fighting and ww was even talking about next yr school with the kids as if she was going to be here. Not sure if she is thinking she is staying and working on the M or just fog talk.

Either way we are going on 6 days of no fighting or arguing. Tonight she even surprised me with a little Ora* .... which really threw me through a loop.

She told me there is a small part of her that wants us to work out. I still can't believe she is now on day 30 and going into day 31, thats awesome.

I still have those thoughts of her and Om and the trust issue is still huge, I feel like she just wants me top up and trust her.

Update: 12/23/04

Well ww is on day 31 of No Contact.

I'm getting a little concerned in some of the topics me and the ww have been having. We were talking about Om and the No Contact Letter and I asked her a few light hearted question's and she looked lost.

I asked her how she would handle it if she were to run into him?

I asked her if she would do this again?

I asked her if she still thinks of him?

I asked her, What can I do to help this not happen again?


She could not answer any of these questions. All she could say was that she was not looking for this Affair and that she was sorry and that I need to draw a line and trust her. She also told me that she does not feel she would cheat again because of the amount of hurt it has caused all around the table.

I talked to SIL the other night, they just bought a house and we were talking, and she asked me how I was doing and I said good. She told me that she feels my pain and wish ww would get her crap together, felt that I was given a raw deal from the get go. I asked her if she honestly was ok with ww's affair and I got a slight laugh and then a Hell No.. She said she just does not understand what she could say to ww to help me and her.

Today, just two day's before christmas I feel zero holiday cheer and no ambtion to do anything other then feel sorry for myself and to be angry with the ww.

It's almost like Bile in my thoat, I'm tired of choking back my anger at her and the OM. I drove by the OM's job which is right off one of the main roads near our home, and I saw him going to his car, I put my signal on and at that moment I was gonna deal with the little Fa* once and for all. He saw me turning in and went back into the building. He sat looking at me as I pulled into the parking lot, I turned around and drove off.

What a puss...God I'm so angry right now and just wanna strike out at anything.

Michael,

I'm just chiming in here. I've been lurking your story for awhile.

It sounds to me like things are going well for you in that you have an excellent chance of rebuilding your marriage. Your wife is maintaining NC and warming up to you.

However, I am concerned about all of this anger that you're feeling. See if you can find a safe way to channel it. Keep your goal in mind. Even though it might make you feel better to squash this 'bug' it will not help you to achieve your goal; it might even hinder it.

Exercise is great for channeling anger.

Legato:

I know your right but it just drives me crazy knowing this scumbag is out there and only a few miles from me and my ww and he feels he can just step in and take her from me anytime he feels.

I just can't stand om's who think they can hide behind the law and get away with there deeds.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


I took to my bag today and I thought I was going to knock it off the rocker. I went to my buddies Martial Arts Gym in the A.M and did a no pads workout with my buddy.

I guess I was a little aggressive because he told me to back off and relax.

I hope to start seeing an IC sometime in the beginning of January.

I know if I don't take care of this anger for Om it will manifest into an altercation that will not fare well for the OM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he feels he can just step in and take her from me anytime he feels.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are your sure that he feels this way?

I think perhaps you're making him more powerful in your imagination than he is in reality. Your wife is with you now. The affair is either dead or dying, assuming that NC is intact. Let it die.

I need to go to lunch now. I'll check back with you later.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mschluter:
<strong>I know if I don't take care of this anger for Om it will manifest into an altercation that will not fare well for the OM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Mike, I agree with what you said here, but also try to remember, as you know, this action will not fare well for "either" of you.

I know its hard. I deal with it everyday also, except X is still with OM, I hope you can find something to get rid of this anger, but it could also be healty if you let it be.

Well ww is on day 31 of No Contact.

There are a great host of people on MB that wish they could say that. What a blessing. What a great blessing.


I'm getting a little concerned in some of the topics me and the ww have been having. We were talking about Om and the No Contact Letter and I asked her a few light hearted question's and she looked lost.

I asked her how she would handle it if she were to run into him?

I asked her if she would do this again?

I asked her if she still thinks of him?

I asked her, What can I do to help this not happen again?


Out comes the 2x4. No, I'll put it away and get out the FOUR X FOUR.

MICHAEL, QUIT ASKING HER QUESTIONS SHE CAN'T ANSWER.

You are asking for logical answers to things caused by emotions. IT DOESN'T WORK - THERE IS NO LOGIC TO IT.

There is no way she is going to be able to understand what happened, and give you a reasoned, logical answer without much more time and study.

You want to know so badly, but you won't get your answers unless you put in the time and effort and get full recovery. Once she is in love with you again, and fully committed to your marriage, she will want you to have your answers, and she will explore things with you until you reach understanding. By continueing to ask now, you are putting off recovery.


She could not answer any of these questions.
I rest my case. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


All she could say was that she was not looking for this Affair and that she was sorry and that I need to draw a line and trust her. She also told me that she does not feel she would cheat again because of the amount of hurt it has caused all around the table.

She is giving you all she is able to give right now. She is right in that you need to find enough trust to fully commit yourself to her too. You have to committ no matter what she is saying, or the recovery won't go anywhere. In other words, someone has to go first.


Today, just two day's before christmas I feel zero holiday cheer and no ambtion to do anything other then feel sorry for myself and to be angry with the ww.

You have a 360 degree field of view. There are good things in your field of vision, and bad things. TURN AROUND, AND LOOK AT SOME OF THE GOOD THINGS.

Make a list - and I'll list the first few.

1. You can see, smell, and hear. You can walk, laugh, cry, touch, feel.

2. You have a place to live. Not just a place to live, you have a warm, dry place. You have food, hot showers, a bed. Think about that a little bit.

3. Your W is home, and is still doing NC.


Don't WASTE time thinking about OM. Spend it making your world better. Not just YOUR WORLD, but your families world.

Why are you spending your valueable thought process on something so worthless?

Lets hear your additions to the list, I value your feelings and thoughts. (And uh, thanks for letting me come on your thread and bash you with a 4x4.)

SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Mike,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your W is home, and is still doing NC.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lots of people here would do just about anything to be where you are.

Count your blessings, man!

UPDATE :

WW has gone 33 days with no contact but still has strong feelings for OM.

Christmas here was just about as horrible as they can get. I had no christmas spirit and it seems like everything ww did ticked me off to the point of where LB's were dropped and nasty words were exchanged.

The past three days have been the roughest and I don't know why. It's like everything she has been telling me I know is true and yet I'm starting to resent her being here.

She tells me she wants to take it week by week until June and then go from there. It's like everything I want and yet my anger is at that boiling point where I just want to snap the little worms neck.

Christmas time I should be playing with my kids and enjoying a nice dinner instead i'm reliving ww's affair over and over and over again in my head.

Now that she has filled in some of the blanks, I feel like a total loser.

She swears she does not love him but does have strong feelings for him. and that because she does not love me she finds it hard to show me real effection.

How long does it take for ww to get over OM's?

How long will it take to get my wife back?

How long before I forget these things that run through my head?

How long till the pain goes away?

When will I be able to make love to my wife and not picture her with him?

When she touches my chest I feel like she has done this with om and it just drives anger deep inside me to a hateful point.

OM works tomorrow and I think I may go visit him at work and deal with this once and for all. I'm tired of this bi*ch little guy owning my me. Time to show him what i'm made of and how I am not going to sit by and let him ruin my M anymore.

The motherfuc*er is mine..and if ww wants to leave because of it then good she can feed him through the straw he is going to be eating from.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR <--- edited some of my anger


God damn I hate this SOB

<small>[ December 25, 2004, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: Mschluter ]</small>

Michael,

I understand your anger but your FWW chose you. She is with you. It will take time before she feels in love with you again, but she is keeping NC. NC needs to apply to YOU too. Please do not do something stupid that could wind up putting you in jail or getting an RO against you. No more LB's either. This is a very hard time during recovery. You are no longer fighting the A so your pain and anger wells up inside you. Vent here like you did today but don't LB or DJ against your FWW. Hang in there you can do this.

FF:

Your right, but she is not a FWW yet, she won't make a commitment to saving the M yet. All she does is tell me how it is going to take her time to get over OM and how I need to give her space and understand her feeling's...

WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS, WHAT DO I DO TO GET THEM OUT THERE AND UNDERSTOOD...