Michael,

Can you fill us in? What appt.did your WW go to with you? Was it necessary she be there? Why did you have breakfast with her?

If your anything like me,when I was finally feeling stronger and I had to be in physical contact or near my WH,he sucked all the energy and stability I had right out of me like Kryptonite.I would take a dive right back into sadness.You need to stay away from your WW right now IMO.

O

Michael,

Count your blessings.

You're alive, your drawing breath.

I believe that the worst is over; things will start to improve now.

You're physically healthy, no disabilities.

You've been through hell and you're still standing. You may feel weak right now so you may not believe it but all of this has made you stronger. I think you know yourself better now, your strengths and your weaknesses.

I hope that you are closer to God now. Believe in Him and sincerely ask Him for comfort and strength. He will answer you.

UpDate:

I have contacted a company that helps you have a home sale to help me Liquidate some of our belongings to help save the home. My family and ww's family have all sent me some cash and I am now only about $645.00 away from saving my home...I feel I can do this.. I even emailed all my friends asking for help and am waiting to here from some of them..

That's another blessing to count, eh?

Great news! It's going to be alright Michael, praise God!

UPDATE:

I spent the afternoon with the ww and we had a very long talk and she felt it was maybe time to tell me some truths,

She told me that the last couple of months her Affair was more of an EA and more her doing then the OM's..

She told me that her dad and her went over to the OM's house one night in October for 10 minutes for her dad to meet him

She told me that she has been writing letters to the om but that they are more in junction with her just letting him know she is ok.

And yes she wrote her last letter to him just last week and she talked to him on the phone on Saturday..

I'm so glad I have not let her back in the house.

I did not get mad at her even though I felt a sting of betrayal where there should not have been any.

Can anyone out there help me better understand what it is that makes a woman do these things to her family..

Why is it that they find it so hard to tell the truth about the small things.

One night, she sat there and told me seven lies in less then an hours time and every lie she told I called her on and yet she still kept it up until I walked away from her.

She also told me that CPS is getting ready to charge her once again for being in contact with OM and that she is really worried this time, she asked for me to help her through this. I told her that I needed to think about it because IMHO she is not done with this om yet..

On behalf of the OM I can honestly say he really is tired of her bs and the bs and drama this A has brought on him..He really is tired of it and we had a pretty good conversation.

I feel the trickle of pain returning once again..

I need real advice on how to get over this..WW tells me I need to stop bringing it up and move on with her and that she really wants to save this marriage.

Well I would tell her you won't even come to the table to discuss saving the marriage until she absolutely stops ALL contact with OM and proves that she has done so.

She obviously is still having contact with him and there is absolutely know way you can work on your marriage with him involved.

I still don't think she gets the no contact thing. You've got to make sure she's embraced that and actually is practicing it before you even step up to the table to consider reconcilation.

Take care,

Miker

Michael,

I am very glad that she has chosen honesty; better late than never, and a step in the right direction. Now might be a good time for her to read "Surviving An Affair" so that she understands that not bringing it up and not talking about it may be what SHE thinks that she needs right now, the old "can't we just forgive and forget" nonsense, but that's not what you need. No, this needs to all be discussed. She needs to realize that in order for your marriage and for you to heal, you have questions that must be answered.

So, the answer to your question, "How can I get over this?" is, you will need complete honesty from her, honest answers to everything you feel you need to know and...

time - time to heal. It's going to take time for you to heal.

I'm not sure what I think right now to be honest.

I just feel like it's more lies and betrayal and just hearing that she has done these things makes me even more glad she will not be in the house with me and the children anymore.

I think , THINK: I have come to the conclusion that I want to move on to D after I save the house.

I don't need to be with her to feel complete, I don't need to be with her to feel safe. I feel safe with who I have become and I now know I can survive anything....

My IC thinks I should give it more time and so does everyone else.

I gave her Ten months how much more time does she need to realize that her A was wrong and needs to stop, even the OM is done with it on every level.

Yet she keeps trying to call him and even sending him letters from her job..


At her IC appt I attended:


I sat there after her IC introduced himself and he walked me through what today was going to be about. He told me that He and WW have been working together to help her end her A and building new ways for her to have the strength to end it once and for all.

I listened to my ww in tears tell me how much she has hurt me and that she is so sorry for putting me and the children in the situation we are in with losing the house and maybe even losing the kids. She told me she would love to take it all back and go back to the way things used to be. She told me that she loves me and wants to work on the Marriage but that she is still not in-Love with me but feels in time she will be. She even told me she wants to fill my love bank.

WW told me that her A was a mistake and that she should never have done it but that she can't take back what she has done, She told me that she loves the children and wants to be the mother she used to be, She told me that the OM is even done with her and that he wants her to leave him alone and out of this, She told me that it is her chasing him now and that for her it is all an EA right now and that for some reason she can't seem to stop calling him or even write him.

She told me she needs me to forgive her and help her through this and that she will do anything to earn my trust back..

IC told me that WW is in serious trouble and really is taking losing me and the kids harder then a normal person should, He told me ww has a long road ahead of her and that she needs to face her demons once and for all.

IC told me that ww is serious about ending her EA once and for all and that I need to help her thorugh this because she finds strength in my words.

WW told me she misses all of the good times we used to have, She also told me that she needs me to keep a job and really try and she will be more supportive of me..

IC would like for me to come back in two weeks and talk to ww..Not sure if I should because I do not think they will like what I have to say..

WARNING: Potentially controversial opinion !


Michael:

All I can say to your WW cries of pain are.................."YAWN......"

I know that this is still devestating to you. NOONE here has any right to tell you that you MUST stay or forgive your wife and go for reconciliation. NOONE.

While you do NOT have to make any decisions now...and you shouldn't, you would be well served (IMO at least) to continue to keep yourself and children away from your wife. Your emotional state is still fragile and you shouldn't take the risk of letting her hurt you. She is a very sick woman, and right now, she is hitting "rock bottom". YOU HAVE TO LET HER DO THIS. YOu cannot try and "cushion" this for her by giving her hope of reconciliation in the future.

You should not believe ONE syllable out of your WW's mouth. It all means nothing. YOu have every right to do what you FEEL is best for the children and yourself. Your WW's plight should not be your concern here. There is nooone on here who can rightfully say that remaining married is the "right" thing for your children and you. Only you can say that. Noone here should "guilt" you into "working it out for the kids". I know people can quote statistics and all of that $hit with regards to DV and children, but you have to do what is best for those kids. Your WW actions (and yours partly) have led to extreme financial and emotional devestation for your children. Children carry a lot of this stuff for years. At the very least your children will need STABILITY and a lot counseling to help them recover.

It is ****my personal opinion**** that your WW has lost the honor to be their guardian. She let those kids down in the worst way imanginable. She should not ever have the "chance" to hurt them again. She may never truly "change". Frankly, you don't have the luxury of counting on her to "change". You have to go with the "sure thing".........and that right now is that your WW is not a person who should have the honor of mothering those children.

Is my advice harsh or "uncaring" ?....maybe, but at this point (and I can only advise off of what you have posted here) it is without a doubt what I would do if I was in your situation. Just my .02 my friend.

I am sorry if this advice offends you or others. You have every right to ignore this post.

Best wishes

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

UPDATE:


Not sure where to begin actually. Today a lot of truth was told to me by ww and I made her feel safe in telling me. I listened, I assured her it was going to be ok, I was firm, And I did not LOVE BUST... I feel proud..

I don't know what I feel though..I'm not mad at the lies she had been telling me but there was one item she told me the truth about that has be a little concerned and baffled.

The ww sat down with me today and through some tears was able to tell me everything...I just found out that she has been posting on here herself, she told me that she has never looked at any of my postings and she told me that she never will. Because she wants me to get over this without her being nosey..

Hmmmmm

I don't know what to think...I am very surprised that she came so clean and I could tell it was very, very, very, very hard..She also assured me that she now has told me everything...

Not sure where to begin actually. Today a lot of truth was told to me by ww and I made her feel safe in telling me. I listened, I assured her it was going to be ok, I was firm, And I did not LOVE BUST... I feel proud.. You should be, that was very courageous and honorable of you.

The ww sat down with me today and through some tears was able to tell me everything...I just found out that she has been posting on here herself, she told me that she has never looked at any of my postings and she told me that she never will. Because she wants me to get over this without her being nosey.. Wow, not sure how I would feel about that. Did she read the concepts? Does she understand what she needs to do? Hmmm did she share her screen name with you?

{{Michael}} I have to say that LM said some very truthful things to you. Don't let you WW back into your and your children's lives until YOU feel safe doing so. You have grown so much and I am so impressed.

Man - I don't know, this sounds pretty good to me. If she has been posting here then it sounds like she has been getting good advice and finally "gets it".

I am not so sure how I feel about her posting on here, She told me that she wants to get over all of this and does not want to make it worse. She told me her screen name but asked me not to read her thread, and to be honest I don't have any interest in reading her thread she has going. I got the feeling she started her thread sometime in the last day or two.


faithful follower Asked:

Wow, not sure how I would feel about that. Did she read the concepts? Does she understand what she needs to do? Hmmm did she share her screen name with you?

I'm not sure what she read but she told me she is really impressed with the support she is getting and I guess thats why she felt the need to tell me everything. Afterwards I asked her how she felt and she told me , I feel like a load has been lifted and she started to cry.

And yes she gave me her screen name on here as well...She told me she has always known I posted here and respected my privacy and never came here to read anything I wrote.


--------------------------------------------------

legato asked and Wrote:

Man - I don't know, this sounds pretty good to me. If she has been posting here then it sounds like she has been getting good advice and finally "gets it".


I agree... I think she may just be getting it..She called OM and I guess he told her " Why are you calling me, Please don't and hung up on her.

WOW.... I am surprised.

I guess time and effort will let me know if I want to let her back into me and the kids hearts again..

What do some of you think about all of this..

I also for some reason felt at peace after she told me everything, even that deep dark feeling in my stomack went away..hmmmm

Maybe there is hope after all.. I plan on going nice and easy on this one, thats for sure.

^

I also for some reason felt at peace after she told me everything, even that deep dark feeling in my stomack went away..hmmmm Knowing all helps rid you of that sickening uncertainty. Good place to start.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe there is hope after all.. I plan on going nice and easy on this one, thats for sure.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, nice and easy. And there is definitely hope here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mschluter:
<strong> She told me that the OM is even done with her and that he wants her to leave him alone and out of this, She told me that it is her chasing him now and that for her it is all an EA right now and that for some reason she can't seem to stop calling him or even write him.

She told me she needs me to forgive her and help her through this and that she will do anything to earn my trust back..
v</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think your wife is anywhere close to done with this affair, Michael. Everytime you turn around you find evidence of more contact. She was still having her affair as of last weekend!

What she does want is the consequences of her affair to STOP, but not for the AFFAIR to stop. She wants you to "forgive" her of the consequences [which has nothing to do with forgiveness in the first place] but she does not really want to change or repent. She only wants the consequences to change.

Like the others have said, take it very slow and easy. If you let her back now, before she is done, you will be in for a world of hurt. Like BeWise said, it took her 10 months to prove she was completely untrustworthy, give her 10 months to prove herself trustworthy.

The thing that scares me the most is that you will give into the pressure to reconcile with her and that is the worst thing you can do right now. I almost wish you would go into Plan B for a while just to protect yourself from her very destructive influence. If you find out she is still chasing the OM, I hope you will consider it.

Michael,

Yeah, I was kind of curious as to why she was calling him. To try and put a good interpretation on it, did someone on this board perhaps give her some bad advice, telling her to call him and tell him that there was to be no contact, instead of writing NC letter?

Just call me "Pollyanna", always looking for the good in people. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Melody - I'm not doggin' you. Honest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Update:

I will be starting a new thread soon and I will be calling it " The New Beginning " And it's not a Star Trek remake LOL...So no jokes...LOL

I'm trying to put in words everything that is going on and really trying to make it sound right without my heart or pressure pulling on me.

WW is of course now writing a thread on here as well and I promised her I would not give anyone her name she is using..She also assured me she would not read my thread,

WW told me everything about her A and she did the phone call instead of the NC letter because she was not yet writing on here and getting good advice. I am not going to jump on her wagon right now and I have told her that I need time to figure all of this out. She told me that someone told her that she needs to have Radical Honesty with me and so she did. She told me everything, Every lie she has been holding and every secret she has been keeping.

WW gave me all her passwords to all of her things and even gave me access to her work email. She gave me the password to her cell phone as well.

I was mildly shocked at the lies she had been holding, She told me that she had been writing to Om for quite some time and that he only sent her one letter and all it contained was an article for her to read. She told me she gave him a disk with some personal photo's of me and her and I don't think I need to tell you what kind of photo's were on there, This of course bothered me deeply but I did not LB or get upset I simply asked her to please get the disk back right away. She went on to tell me how much she has hurt me and that the kids and that she has many sleepless nights because of all the hurt she has caused us all.

ww told me that she really wants to earn my trust and she wanted to make sure I knew everything and she did not want any more lies keeping us apart.

Ok.....

You all are just going to love this last little secret she has kept from me and it blows my mind to even try and understand it, so I need all of you to please read this next part twice and tell me your thoughts. Keep in mind I still Love my wife and one day hope to fix this and get back together..well here goes nothing..


WW told me that back in October while she was out with a couple girlfriends at the local friday's she was flirting with the young waiter and just before leaving she slipped him her work number, Then in Nov this young man called her and she started to talk to him on the phone at work. She even told the OM about this guy and she even told this Guy about the OM...Confused yet, heck I'm telling the story and getting confused... Well Anyway she told me that this young guy's name was Joe and that she only talked to him four maybe five times since Nov...And that the only reason she slipped him her number was to see if she still had it at 34 to attract a younger man. This young man is only 20 and still living at home with MOM and DAD...Now with all of this she then tells me that he has not called her in almost 3 weeks and that she has no attachment to him.. She then slid me his work number and his cell number and his home number and told me that She will not talk to him again and that if I want I can even call him and tell him to buzz off. WW told me she has never met him anywhere, and has only talked with him on the phone, he does not know where she lives and that she has no problem with me dealing with it, She even told me that I can deal with OM as well all she wants is me and her Marriage back and for me to forgive her. I am at a loss...


Ok.... Lets here what some of you have to say about this one.. And like I said above ..I will be starting a new thread on Sunday..So please all of you that follow me please keep an eye out for it because I am letting this one die..It holds to many memories of all those horrible events that I need to forget.


legato ASKED : Yeah, I was kind of curious as to why she was calling him. To try and put a good interpretation on it, did someone on this board perhaps give her some bad advice, telling her to call him and tell him that there was to be no contact, instead of writing NC letter?


No... She was not told to do it that way..it's just the way she had decided to do it, and then she started posting on here and was told to do a NC letter as I have told her many times but she feels that it is pointless... It is dead between her and OM and even I can say without a doubt ... It is Dead between them..


MelodyLane ASKED: The thing that scares me the most is that you will give into the pressure to reconcile with her and that is the worst thing you can do right now. I almost wish you would go into Plan B for a while just to protect yourself from her very destructive influence. If you find out she is still chasing the OM, I hope you will consider it.


WELCOME BACK..... And I agree with you..I am very scared and right now I am being so careful and so true to myself that I am studying everymove before I move. I want to take a hold of my Marriage with a new passion and a new start and a very true LOVE and thats why I am being careful.

Michael,

I have e-mailed your normal addy. You and I should do some talking.

NCWalker