That is what I told my Husband today. I went home quick over lunch to see my kids (as that is the only time I have on Fridays) to find them in their jammies and eating cookies (nice lunch) and him playing cards with this friend.

H gets all upset about the laundry not being done, and all the same old same old.

I simple looked him in the eyes and said "I am not your mother so I will not tell you what to do or how to do something, I am not your child so you will not be ordering me around or telling me what I am allowed to do, I am your wife and you will start to treat me as such, because this life is not cutting it for me."

Gave the kids a hug and went back to work.

All was done very calmly and matter of fact.

I am just tired of it all, and all of you pointing things out to me has been helping a great deal. So thank you.

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

KMEJ,

I'm proud of you! I know it's not easy to stand up for yourself. But...I see you taking important steps in the right direction. Stay focused on your goal: to be treated with the respect that you deserve. Your H may try to win you back by doing some small, nice things. (Remember the gift wrapping?) Try your best to stay out of the web. At this point, the BIGGER things are what matter.

By the way: I know that it seems that a lof of people here are dumping on you. But..I think that people are really concerned about your situation. I can only speak for myself, but...I know that you know what you need to do. And I believe that you'll find the power inside of yourself. It's there. Tap into it!

Thanks AndrewA-
WHen I got home H was being a real piece of work. Trying to make me feel bad. DId not work. H left perplexed that I did not buy into his game. Here is to holding strong.

KMEJ,

Good start! I am proud of you. You have seen the first glimpse of hope through your fog.

It may not "feel good" right at the moment, but you are standing up for yourself, seeing him in a true light, and are holding very well.

Keep up the good work! More of the same! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Thinking of you...............

You have a controling spouse who is very very insecure..

His goal is to get you angry and/or upset. In his perception, this means you care. Your angry reaction is the glue he seeks that holds you to his side. He will continue to provoke you as long as you react in ways that show you have been emotionally manipulated by his taunts. This is how he feels connected. It is a dysfunctional connectedness, and dependant on you filling your role.... "angry wife".... or "weeping wife" ... or ... "hysterical wife".

Please disappoint him in this area at every opportunity.

Remaining calm is YOUR goal.

If you fail to respond in your usual way ... he will feel a lack of connection with you .... and he will do one of two things...

1. Change his behavior to a more appropriate way to feel connected with you.

or

2. Find another girl to control.

Young women, when courting, often find a controlling man attractive because they interpret his control as affectionate passion.

It's grow old.

Pep

Pep- you are SO right. H's OW was 19 and loved how H treated her. He would chew her out on the phone, play games with her (tell her to come right them and there) tell her what she could and could not do- usually infront of me, if she did not do as he asked he would then say that he was done with her, or hang up- within minutes she would comply with exactly what H wanted. It worked for him until I started to pull away from him, and then backfire.

Anyway- I am doing well with being me. No real conflict on this end currently. Unless you count the internal conflict of today December 19th marks the date that H and I became a couple 9 years ago. It also marks the anniversary of my hardest time during the A last year, as I was struggleing to enjoy Christmas with my kids with H out with OW. I keep reminding myself that this is a new year, new circumstances.

Keeping my head up and eyes open.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey folks- It has been over 3 days, and I am still sticking with this one!!! It is a start. And I am my own cheerleading squad!!! Yeah me!!

YOU ARE THE BOMB!!!!!!

im so proud of you....
so hows it affecting him? i bet he is crapping down both legs!

i love it!!!!

Thanks Dalson,

It is going rather well. I have been living for me a little. Not LB'ing or anything, just not doing what H wants it before he wants it.

I actually got locked out of my own bedroom because I finished a project I started and did not go to bed when H wanted me too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . H did not go with to my mothers for Christmas on Saturday, and when I got home he looked at everything and said it was either gay or ugly, I told him I disagreed and left it at that. H then got on the phone and talked to his friend for 1.5 hours (can't hold a 5 minute conversation with me) and was on the computer and then went in the hottub (all while on the phone), so I painted the bathroom, and just because he was done talking to his friend and was ready for me, I was suppose to drop everything, and I did not- so I got locked out.

Then we went to that friends Christmas party and I hung out with joint friends, and did not hang on H, and so he came and picked me up and we played a game. h is not liking this boundary- or not so much a boundary- just me living with out his direction.

its ironic

i have not been logged on since early friday and i was looking for your journal to check on you and i found this thread. i was like he11 yeah, go girl.

ill almost guarantee he'll start getting scared if you keep this up. he feeds off the control he has over you. cut off the food and he starves.

just keep it up and his mind will get the best of him. it may get worse b4 it gets better, when he starts feeling he is losing you. you may be able to expand your boundries and dole out some responsibilities, and get a well desereved break..

so has his screaming hissy fits continued?

he will take you seiously if you keep it up.

but if there is any threat of physical violence get the he11 out.

I think H thinks he is getting what he wants, as I did not tell him what to do in regards to his all night poker night last night, however I was up all night (and I mean all) with the sick baby, I just called H every 2 hours and put the phone up to his screaming son to remind him that he was up having fun and he owed me big time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Go read my reply to LIT's post to me to get more info on my weekend. I think it is called "KMEJ- you disappeared again"

Thanks for the support by the way!

that is good but when he takes a jab at you, like "dont talk to me after talking about him"
just say ok and smile. go back to having fun.
it may not seem like it but that is what he is looking for, a reaction. dont react just act like it doesnt bother you.

and if he locks you out of your b-room. say something like. that was the best night sleep i have had in a long time and act happy and chipper and drop it.

fight fire with a smile not fire.

i seen a bumper sticker that said smile, people will wonder what you are up to....

it works

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dalson:

fight fire with a smile not fire </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">love it

Pep

its my new lease on life.

This has been one of my biggest downfalls I try really hard to hold my ground and some how or another he manages to push just the right buttons that let him back in the gate. Good for you I'm happy to see that not everyone is as weak as I am. Care to share you secret?

The secret is....move your buttons =)

Seriously, I know it sounds trite. But ~ your reactions to button pushing is a choice. Choose to do something else when the buttons are pushed.

It's a really amusing mind game to play with an abusive WS =)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Good for you I'm happy to see that not everyone is as weak as I am. Care to share you secret? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Choose not to be. Period. And then follow through.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> as I did not tell him what to do in regards to his all night poker night last night, however I was up all night (and I mean all) with the sick baby, I just called H every 2 hours and put the phone up to his screaming son to remind him that he was up having fun and he owed me big time .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry, KMEJ - this is manipulative and passive/agressive. You did not tell him what to do, per se....but you sure were going to let him know that you were unhappy, and he would have to pay later. Why weren't you just honest with him, and let him know that you would prefer he stay home, and help take care of the sick baby? He is a parent, too.

This is an example of where you gained something from this interaction. Is it perhaps that you 'give more' than he does - thus, you are the 'good guy?' Or is it that it will give you leverage for later. Look into this, KMEJ - what seems funny and pleasantly vengeful to you is actually remarkably similar to how he treats you.....just not as blatant.

I know it probably hurts to listen to that....even more to really examine it. But KMEJ, you should have been forward and truthful about what you needed from him.

LIT-
the first time I called H, I asked him to please come home, that his son was sick and that I requested his help. he told me no. So I continued to call and ask him to come home, he said baby was fine, so I put the phone up to him and asked if that sounded fine to him.

You are probably right however- I will look into that.