Hi,

I'm in a long distance relationship with a man a love. There is not infidelity involved. He's 48 I'm 37. We have the same profession. We met past July and we have seen each other three times, 9 days each aprox. Every visit(he stays at my house), at least one time, I have tried to end the relationship. Usually I'm not that inestable but on this ocassions something overcomes me, bad past memories, pesimism, attention seecking, and I start to fight. I didn't yeld but I told him it was over.

I know I need help and work on my self and I'm with a counselor. Meanwhile, he doesn´t want to go back, which I understand. Tough he is open to consider a way to make this work. He asked me the following:

"X, I don't know where to go from this conversation. I think that we can probably get benefits from continuing to analyze what happened, up to a point where we may begin to feel that we've exhausted that. But the analyzing won't create a new possibility for us.

"I don't see what that new possibility could be. I will think about it, sincerely, to see if I can imagine how we would continue.

" You should think about it, in a very serious and detailed way. And if you see some way to continue, you should write to me (email, not in chat) to describe that to me. There has to be something more than just the hope, like you just expressed, that maybe it would be different somehow."

"That hope, and that intention, can have some effect in everyday situations, when we both feel good. But it goes away at the first sign of stress.
"So, when things are difficult, we will revert to the destructive pattern. I know that from my experience, with very different kinds of women and different kinds of relationships."

Please help me to think about ways I can prevent this kind of personal reaction, to push before been pushed, and to put it down on a letter.

Thank you all

(Sorry about the grammar and ortographic mistakes)

<small>[ December 18, 2004, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: larousse ]</small>

Larousse,

Welcome! I am a bit confused. Is this an affair that you are talking about? Are you married? Or are you both single?

Hi Andrew, thanks for the welcome.
We both are single. He was married 10 years. No children. I have nver been married but was in a long term relationship very young, 16-24.

He has been divorced four years.

^bump^

Here is my draft so far...

"Dear X,

In our last chat it finally downed on me that any change of attitude would take time. I’m a little bit out of resources, my counselor won’t be back until middle of January and I feel like a total failure after last Saturday. I thought I had “got it” in our last session and the Saturday night I was at it again.

(I’m so sorry. I feel such a lost. I like you so much for so many reasons.)

There are a couple of things I can think of to avoid situations like the ones I have created.

• I should work more on me, a happy me.
• I should try to tell you in advance when something is bothering me, without judging you.
• If I get this feeling, this monster of “it’s over” before saying anything more I should tell you I’m not in a good mood to talk and I should try to put my feelings together before speaking to you again.
• I should know me and try to know you more.
• You could tell me you won’t speak with me until I’m in another frame of mind or we could establish a time out.
• I would try to let you speak your mind and emotional state even with some intensity. I should learn to not feel frightening by you showing your emotions."

Hi,

Maybe you can find some Relationship type books in your area? Dr. Phil has one that is very popular here in the US.

Also there is another board on MB that c/b more helpful called Emotional Needs. You may want to check that out.

Is your 'gentleman friend' abusive to you in any way? I am not sure why you feel you need to 'end it' with him since it may not have even started enough to call it an R yet. Of course you also should control who you invite to your home.

Are there other ways you can keep busy?

L.

Thank you, I'll search for Dr. Phil books and I'll move to the other board.

He's my boyfriend, it feels weird calling him that because our ages.

We know mutual friends, he knows my family. He was planing to spend three months here next year.

I do have other things to do but we had agreed that I was going to send this letter this weekend. That's why I was asking for help.

He is not abusive in any way. I'm, it is hard to admit. I'm in subtle ways. I don't know why I react the way I do. I can be very loving and the next moment I want to end the relationship.

Lar,

Maybe you need to go to a doc and check out your hormone level. Some of the issues c/b with you in a physical way. If this is a nice guy and you are treating him this way, it's not his fault as much as yours.

Let me share why I say this. In my H's family, there are 2 drama queens. Each of them have been successful in trapping men..... one of them just got married and concotted up a story that the reason why her family didn't all come (those who were nearby) was because we refused. That was a blatant lie. The real reason was that the drama queen DIDN'T invite her family. She forced a young 20 year old Mexican boy to marry a pretty white blonde hair blue eyed girl with major mental issues. But she looks nice and according to his mom, having a white girl raises his status in the eyes of some people (not mine but some cultures). His parents were against it but still the wedding happened. Now the parents have a psychotic DIL in their home and they want her out (less than 1 month later - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). SIL is bi-polar and has been for years but refuses to get help. Her new doctor took her off all her meds cold turkey and she was a basket case at the wedding (so we heard). The groom invited FIL (who was recuperating from a recent heart attack) the day before the wedding.

The other drama queen is the process of taking her husband's hard earned $$ and the equity line of credit from their home (she is a SAHM with 4 children), to fund her A and lavish shopping sprees. Let's just say that anyone who spends $600.00 on makeup because her husband forgot to pack her cosmetic bag for a trip to Disneyland and then drag the family to buy all these expensive products wasting 1 1/2 days of their vacation is a bit overboard, don't you think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That's only the beginning of the stupidity.

So I certainly don't want to see you head in that kind of direction. If your mood swings are hormonal related, there are medicinal and alternative care (vitamins, supplements, diet, etc.) treatments you can consider.

It is vital you are ok first before pursuing an R.

L.

Hi,

Well after reading everything it is all quite clear...YOU NEED TO FIND ANOTHER MAN!!!! This is not about you but about the men you are choosing. This guy is not worth crying over, trust me. I read his notes to you and it is very obvious that "HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU". Also, he seems very arrogant. True you need to mature a bit, but this is not all about you, and stop buying into this psychobabble that you need help. You just need to choose men that are stronger. He is too into himself and his pain. Just because he knows people you know and you like chatting over the phone and online with him, does not mean he is good for you. Does he make you feel like a princess? Do you feel loved and cherished? Do you believe he would die for you? NO. NO. NO. This is what you need to look for. Don't settle with this guy, trust me, he is too old for you anyway. I don't want to come across mean, but this is all true and the truth sometimes hurts. Be strong, and you will find someone better. Just work on yourself first. Feel good about yourself, get a new outfit, join a gym, buy a beautiful purse, change your hair color. Trust me, these things may seem superficial, but they will boost your self-esteem and this is what you really need. And then, a new man!! BE BRAVE!!!!

Lar,

How are you doing?

L.