Well, WH is home from overseas. He came home with the understanding that he was coming home for the kids and that maybe one day we could rebuild our marriage. He doesnt know if he can give up OW because he loves her. He does agree that WE have no chance as long as she is in the picture. He is trying to decide if he even WANTS to work on our marriage, though he does think it is what God would want and he wants to do what God wants. He has had limited contact with OW, I think there is still some email and maybe phone calls going on. He is very standoff-ish. Doesnt want me to get too physically close to him and doesnt really want to talk about anything personal or anything to do with our relationship. It really hurts when he dodges even incidental contact. He will give me a hug if I ask him for one. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

He did sleep in our bed the first few nights and we have had SF twice, but he feels pressured so he is sleeping on the couch currently.
I have blown it a few times and did major LB's, but I am trying.
Should I have not let him come home? I felt I had a better chance with him in the house than living an hour away.

I dont know how some of the MB'ers can do Plan A knowing that the WS is still seeing and talking to OP, while living in the same house. I guess I am imature and weak, because this really sucks. It was somewhat easier when he was out of the house!

I should point this out. WH has been diagnosed with depression and has been on AD's for about 5 years. He feels our marriage is the reason for his depression, though he does have signs of clinical depression. I am on AD's as well now because of the state of our marriage right now. But living with a depressed person, sometimes there is not much convincing them that things are not as bad as they make them out. Or that there are positive things to our marriage. But WH, I feel, has stuffed his emotions and feelings for years and avoided being truthful. He says that he has lived a lie all these years and he is now being honest with himself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> OW is a physcology major...she has been talking to him.

I guess I would like some feedback on dealing with his depression and more ideas on what I can do for a good Plan A. SF used to be one of his EN's, but he keeps me at arms length now. I feel like pond scum most of the time. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Any suggestions??

I wish I had some great advice for you. I know it seems like the weight of the world is on you're shoulders at times. Keep up the plan you have in place, dont get down on yourself if you have some LB's it happens to me all the time.

All the best, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks Alank. I dont think I really have a plan in place. I have just read a LOT of books and all of the Harvey books and know what Plan A/B are. Not sure I know what kind of plan I need.
I have talked with my pastor some. Have tried to get WH to go with me, but he says he knows what he is going to say so why go. Doesnt really have any faith or confidence in going to see a C, due to not really good experience with 2 in the past. Says it didnt help. Ocassionally WH will let me talk to him about some of the things I have read, but not often. Though, I have to admit, I am an obsessive person...he is more passive and laid back. Passive/Aggressive relationship I guess.
Do you have a specific plan?

My only plan right now is working on me...

I have started IC and am looking to improve everything about me. I have spent so much time listening to my WW tell me I was a bad H. I was a reason for her A. The thing is, it is not true. She made her choice, I am making mine.

I have started Plan A again for the third time, first two tries were poor at best. I am out of the house for two months now (should not have left) but I am working hard on me, perhaps that will spill over to my WW as well. She has no interest in MC, although last week she did? I am working plan A as best as I can. It is all I can do..

I wish all the best for you.

He is very standoff-ish. Doesnt want me to get too physically close to him and doesnt really want to talk about anything personal or anything to do with our relationship. It really hurts when he dodges even incidental contact. He will give me a hug if I ask him for one.

Hi Katie, my WH is the same way. It really does hurt to have to ask for a simple hug.


I dont know how some of the MB'ers can do Plan A knowing that the WS is still seeing and talking to OP, while living in the same house. I guess I am imature and weak, because this really sucks. It was somewhat easier when he was out of the house!

I agree with you, I feel so immature and weak too. The pain is so overwhelming. I am so sorry you are going through this. You aound exactly like me.


I should point this out. WH has been diagnosed with depression and has been on AD's for about 5 years. He feels our marriage is the reason for his depression, though he does have signs of clinical depression. I am on AD's as well now because of the state of our marriage right now. But living with a depressed person, sometimes there is not much convincing them that things are not as bad as they make them out. Or that there are positive things to our marriage. But WH, I feel, has stuffed his emotions and feelings for years and avoided being truthful. He says that he has lived a lie all these years and he is now being honest with himself.

I identify with this also. My WH was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder-I don't know how valid that diagnosis is but he does have clinical depression and you are right--there is not much you can do to convince them that things are not as bad as they seem. My WH also now feels that he is being honest with himself for the first time in his life.

OW is a physcology major...she has been talking to him.

This is a generalization, but it seems to me that a great many people who go into psychology do so to figure out why they are so messed up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I guess I would like some feedback on dealing with his depression and more ideas on what I can do for a good Plan A. SF used to be one of his EN's, but he keeps me at arms length now. I feel like pond scum most of the time. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


Boy i really wish I had some answers for this one. I am in the same position. Plan A is hard because it seems the nicer I am to him, the nastier he gets --because, in his mind, he doesn't deserve anything but punishment

Katie, you will be in my prayers constantly. Try to hang in there and I hope others will be along soon with some advice, not just empathy.

Suzanne

Hi katiegirl,

I went back and reread what I had posted to you before just to freshen up.

So,now that you allowed your WH to come home afterall,is he helping at all with your son?

IMHO,you basically gave your WH a place to crash.He also gets a little SF on the side too which I would not allow given the state of your marriage but that's me.You seem to expect more of your WH now that he is home than he is most likely going to give.So,try not to count on it too much.He is already resisiting you.I thought you were going to get a PBL drafted soon but I guess that's on hold now right? A bit late to implement that now that WH is home.

Just think about the fact that a Plan A does NO ONE any good if it's done too long.We talk about being doormats here right? but that's usually when it is done too long,not when you are trying to show a WS that you can fulfill needs and make changes for the marriage.I worry that your WH will really start to resent you and mistreat you if you keep catering to him.This has been going on since summertime.

You do not have a better chance with WH at home if he is still in contact with the OW and he is not at all committed in any way to the marriage.Having him home just for the kids sends all kinds of mixed messages but the most important thing would be,now that he is actually there,is if he is truly helping your son with his problems.

If you don't have a plan and are going to keep floundering around then you are almost guaranteed to fail.Decide what YOU want and what you will and will not live with.You would not be the first,nor last BW to have a WH who is not committed when at home.It's a sorry situation.SML is also dealing with an absentee WH and she just had his baby for heavens sake! He is on the POOR ME pity train. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

O

<small>[ December 20, 2004, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

plan A is ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
about expecting that the WS is in contact with OP....

It is ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
meeting their needs to PROVE to them that things can be better...

If he is in a place where you are now presenting to him a needy gloom and dooom wife you will play right in to his hands of you and he can never fix this
never get past this
never be happy people together again...

and it will assist him in beleiveing the grass is greener over there.......

SF used to be one of his EN's, but he keeps me at arms length now

you play that arm lengths to your advantage...

smell fabulous....
just let him get a whiff..infact dig up some old perfume or scent that triggers a memory...

we once spent a long weekend at the Dell hotel in SanDiego and they have there own spa supply...
I keep a few bottles of their stuff ...and when ever I want to recapture that fun time...I bring it out.....

think of things like that..

cook him a favorite meal....
go get your hair done and come in looking fab...
let some skin show...a peek here or there...

go to get in the shower and yell for help that there's a spider in there....

flirt with him
smile at him
make eye contact with him....

need him to fix something...especially if he has not been home....

fill that home with music and light..
bring home funny funny movies....
go places that are fun..invite him take him drag him..

answer this are you acting like someone you would

want to come home to
what to be around....

how long have you been in plan A
what has your plan a been

why the affair what were his reasons <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

is your home a depressing place to be in or a happy one....

ARK

Ark,

Thanks a bunch for listing these things for me. Though I sort of know them, these are good things to see in writing. I have been doing some of these things...smelling nice, wearing sexy jammies, cooking for him, making his lunch.....
I have had a more difficult time when I know he has had some contact with her. I am working on that though.

I have seen some sort of something today. He was different. He was nice to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Some pretty hot SF followed. Though he has not said anything, something is up. He seemed like he wanted to say something but he decided not to.

I will keep you all posted for those who might be interested.

Thanks again Ark.

Katie

Katie,

Let me see if I understand.... OW is a psychology major talking up a storm but the WS doesn't want to go to a MC or IC? Now what is wrong with that logic or lack thereof?

What profession is the OW in? If is anything near her major, she s/b FIRED! Stupid WS.

Let him know when he babbles. That piece of crap was babble.

Now you need to decide whether you want a WS in your home or your H.

He is confused. How far away is the OW? How long will he be home?

L.

Orchid,

Well, as far as I know she does not have a job. She is a full time student. Lives about 100 miles away. As far as I know he has not had physical contact but they have emailed and he has called her.

He has been very nice to me since last night. Snuggled and slept in the same bed. He has been sleeping in my bed again but made sure I did not touch him during the night. It is almost like none of this ever happened and he is the H I want and remember. Maybe the body snatchers have replaced the WH with my H? lol I dont know but I will take this one over the other one!!

I am going to have to talk to him when I get the chance. Maybe he will email today from work. We'll see. I am just going to do my best Plan A and enjoy the affection and attention while I can. It has been a LONG time for that.

I dont know how long he is home for. But at least 3 months before the next rotation. Hopefully he will be here longer than that.

Thanks for listening Orchid.

Katie

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 06:09 AM: Message edited by: katiegirl34 ]</small>

This is an update on my situation. WH has moved back to the couch. Yesterday he informed me he was going to see OW to get some of his things she has of his and to get a Christmas present she had for him. I was very angry. Left him a blanket and pillow on the couch for when he finally came home. Not much talking going on here.
Before he left yesterday, I asked him what this meant...was he going to tell her goodbye? Was he coming back to work on the marriage? He said he still hadnt made up his mind yet.
I grow very weary of this game. It hurt so much to know he was going to see her. I dont know if I can do this plan A much longer. I am seriouly considering telling him to make up his mind by the 1st. If he wants me and the kids, then she has to go. If not, then pack and leave my house.

What do you all think?

Katie

katiegirl...

you do not tell a WS to make up their mind by the first second third or anything..

this is all about YOU making up your mind..

the is YOURS for when you have enough...
you tell him the first..
he will lie and say OK it's over..while contact continues...

you pick the date
for you

ark

Fignting for your marriage is hard and painful work. It takes time and patience. Unfortunately it is not magical. I've been through it all. All that you are speaking of..him going to see the OW, him not wanting me to touch him. Anything you probably will say about this, I've been there.

However, I refused to give him up to her. Why are your giving up now. YOUR PLAN shows signs of being effective. So go back to YOUR PLAN. NO LBing, NO getting angry and throwing him out of the bedroom, NO letting him feel OK about sleeping on the couch.

Yes. He is not finished with her. However, this does not mean that your marriage is over unless you want to make sure that it is over. Your marriage will be over if you give him to her on a silver platter by LBing at this point. That I believe is your choice about how much you can take. The more you LB, the more he will rationalize at this point that what he is doing is OK and that she is the one for him.

MB and PLAN A are not GAMES. This is an effective system for recovering marriages that have been wounded by As. I have been through hell because of my FWH's A. Now we are going through recovery and are happier than ever. However, it took hard work on both of our parts. The work began with me. Neither my FWH nor the OW thought that I would work hard at the marriage. Especially the OW thought that I would hand him over to her. I refused to do that. I stood tall, maintained my respect and fought hard for what was mine.

<small>[ December 27, 2004, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

ditto mimi. Good stuff there. Listen to her.

Mimi,

He had moved back to the couch a couple of nights ago. Always had an excuse but finally said it was more than that. I told him we needed to talk and that I was not going to continue to share. He understands that. Still says he doesnt love me romantically and hasnt for quite a few years now.

As far as last night, I was so upset when he left. I have not said much to him since he came home last night but I did get up and make him coffee and fixed his lunch before he went to work this morning.

Things have been kind of stilted around here. We dont know what to say to one another. Conversations are sometimes forced because he doesnt want to discuss any of our issues or problems. Doesnt want to talk about anything that means anything. It is like we are strangers. WH was gone last year from July-Jan. Came home in Jan and worked night shift for 6 months. Moved out in June of this year. Went overseas again in Sept and came home just this month. So really we have been apart for a long time. We are different. He is very different. We just seem to have a hard time communicating.

Anyway, I guess I have to take this one day at a time. One box of Kleenex at a time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />