Is exposure of a ONS from 2 yrs ago to the OM's wife simply revenge on my part? I say yes.

However, I being a BS would want to know if my SP had been unfaithful to me. Isn't one of the MB teachings that it is up to the BS to decide if they wish to remain in a M w/an unfaithful SP? What if the only way this BS is going to find out is if I tell them?

Sure, I am looking for justification to make this phone call. This two-faced "friend" of mine has been so nice to me the whole time. I wanna throttle the b*st*rd. Every day someone has to pay. I've been paying so much I am in the red. Is it fair that this OM should get of scott free with his SP thinking that he is something he is not?

My only concern is the children of his family. My possible action would not be the cause of the consequences, it was his action with my WW that is the root of this.

The truth shall set you free? Is that how it goes?

How will exposing something from two years ago benifit you today?

What will you gain, what will anyone gain. The truth will set you free, yet you already seem to know the truth. If all you are looking to do is get revenge, look at the price the revenge will have on you and the ones you love.

Find a positive, what is so terrible about this situation right now. Are you makling yourself angry unnecesarily? Think of the outcome and will it benifit anyone.

All the best.

Hey Bear,

I would suggest exposing too OM's wife. That will not help your M. If you really need to get this off your chest as part of your healing. You could expose to OM that you know. Thus putting pressure on him to come clean with his wife. Your right she does deserve to know. You can exert some pressure on him. However this will not make you M any better, and I'm sure you realize that.

Good luck, native

Bear 04:

Just curious:
If YOU Already think its out of revenge and don't want to do this action....
Then I guess I miss the point of even asking.

But if you want opinions:
If this OP was my spouse.....I would WANT to Know.

First, just so that I would not be living a lie (and therefore could make LIFE decisions with more full and accurate information).

Second, so that I could be on alert for this type of behavior in the future (as until the very end, I had NO CLUE my W was even in an A).

Lastly, I would want to know so that I could address "whatever" the problems were in my own M, so that not only wouldn't another A occur....but so that we BOTH could actually be happy and healthy in our M and relationship.

I know in my situation, I didn't "wake up" and take ownership of my own responsibilities and shortcomings in the M, UNTIL I knew of the A.
As so many have stated.....it was the biggest Wake Up Call of my entire life.

That was when I began reading, learning and growing.
Then I came here and actually found the relationship and emotional "tools" that I had been looking for but NOT finding my entire adult life!

It sure as heck shocked me out of all my complacent behavior and attitudes.

However, If you think you don't "owe" this OMW anything......that is your prerogative.

On the other hand, I think of it more like this....... all of us BS's need to Stick Together.

To turn it around......Honestly, Wouldn't you want to know?? (if the situation was reversed?)
(perhaps yes....perhaps no)

I tend Not to agree with the majority that believe the "ONLY" reason to expose an A to the Other Betrayed Spouse....is too End the A.
(I believe the OPS is just as much involved in this "dance" as anyone and has a "right" to know the truth about what has been going on).

For just me.......I sure wish someone (anyone) had let me in on what was going on.....years before I finally "woke up" and got a clue what my W had been doing to me (and us) for years.

With that said, If you DO choose to "expose" make sure to include sending the BS here (or maybe even give her the SAA book) so that you can make sure your NOT only doing this out of revenge.
Getting the truth may be just what brings them some healing as well.

Will there always be at least a piece of you that is thinking of the "getting back" at this OM??
Of course, that's just human nature.
But as long as his "ultimate destruction" isn't your main and only goal.....I say Expose.

When has keeping an A a secret helped anyone involved..... in a positive way? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Wishing you the best in making a correct decision for you and your situation......as you only have yourself to answer too late at night.
Take care! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ December 18, 2004, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Hello,

I believe every betrayed spouse should be given this informationa whether it was one day ago or ten years ago. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you wish to know that your spouse betrayed your marriage and put your health at risk? It is irrelevant whether it is a one night stand or a long standing affair. I am educator and I believe strongly in this mantra which is I would rather have too much information than not enough information. Every betrayed spouse has a right to this information so they will have all of the facts to determine how they wish to live their lives. It is the cheating spouse that has caused the crisis in the relationship and not the messenger.

Ditto top rope and Bryanp.

In spades.And I believe that the smallest of reasons would be revenge!

I know "Revenge is mine sayeth the Lord." But I don't remember any passage proclaiming exclusivety <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ December 18, 2004, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

Hello Bear--

Excellent answer Top Rope. Bear, Top Rope is exactly right.

I do not post much, but I am a BS whose WH was forced into telling me about a ONS/EA years after the fact by a BS who wanted revenge.

Can't speak to his motivation, and in the end, his motivation didn't matter. Today, I say "Thank God." I FINALLY had a clearer understanding of the dynamics of my troubled marriage.

When my H finally was forced to tell me, all at once, I was mad, but filled with a sense of relief that I wasn't crazy. I knew something wasn't quite right for all these years, but had bought into my WH's line that it was me -- mostly me.

I fully believe this is information I deserved -- NEEDED -- to make decisions about my life, my marriage, my family. The betrayal for me was more than just the sex. This was a young woman who was really part of our family -- our nanny who I entrusted with the care of my precious baby -- while I worked from home. I saw her every day. Loved her. Then things got incredibly weird. And I wanted to let her go, but my H told me we NEEDED her. So, we kept her for a full year afterward and I was essentially marginalized in my own home, with my H and with my son. And I let him make me think it was me -- depression, whatever. This would be much easier to get over if his ONS was while he was on a business trip somewhere. But I felt like our home was tainted. Okay, all probably more information than you need/want. So...

When I spoke to the OW's H, I encouraged him to come here. Don't think he ever has. I think he really wanted to break up my marriage, he was so angry. In the end, I thanked him for his information. We compared what our spouses told us and took some measure of comfort in that their stories matched on details.

Will this be a story of recovery for my H and I? Don't know yet. It's certainly not a fairy tale ending now and this is one year post D-day, but at least I finally have a better idea of what I'm dealing with. And I can better trust and protect myself while I continue to sort things out.

So, what does your spouse say? Does she know what you're thinking about? Will it bring you a measure of peace? Of moving forward or backward?

These are things to think about. But, I say tell. Again, thank GOD the revenge-minded OW H told me. I may not have my marriage forever, and of course, it hurt like hell. But at least I am feeling like I've regained a measure of understanding, equilibrium, and dignity.

Hope my perspective helps you some,
Shellybird

Bear04,
I, too, struggled with whether to tell and my motivations behind it.

Originally, my wife didn't want me to, which of course told me that she wanted to protect him.

About a year went by. I started to feel guilty that I hadn't called the OM's W. Part of that was bc of all of my time here at MB.

During the 18 months after DDay1, I had numerous doubts about the story of the relationship between FWW and Om. She said that it was just a beginning EA. Bc of a few bits of info I doubted this.

Finally after my W realized that I wasn't going to recover, the truth came out on DDay2. I learned that yes she had fallen in love with him and had had sex with him.

My guilt along with the newly aroused anger allowed me to make the call that I had dreaded. The OM's W was shocked.

I quickly realized that I should have gone in person to show her the evidence instead of just telling her over the phone.

A few days later, I discovered that the OM had been able to talk his way out of it all. I repeated the info. The W called my W to confirm.

I'm actually glad that my W had to tell his W that it was all true. Made her grow up very fast.

His wife was very thankful that I had finally called her.

Of course he wasn't happy. It is a nice side effect of telling the BS that the OM had to face his sin.

Mac

<small>[ December 18, 2004, 06:22 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

So Bear,
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Thoughts.. opinion.. comments or decision?

I would say NO - do not stir the pot..This was a ONS (not that it's ok) BUT this is old news..Hopefully, it was a one time thing and the parties involved realize it was wrong and will not step out of their M again.

I personally would not want to know that my spouse had a ONS 2 years ago..Especially if everything was happy and healthy at home. It would do nothing but cause heartache and resentment..

Everyone makes mistakes...

Yes, my opinion, I really do want to expose this to the BS. However, I am torn as to what it will do to that family, their are children involved. I know that the OM is ultimately responsible for his actions, but so is my W. I don't want my family to cause pain to those children. Also, I have since learned (by source other than my W, who doesn't want exposure, of course) that OM's wife is aware of infidelities in his past and that they have reconciled. Funny, I wonder if maybe I shouldn't have gotten a call from OM's wife some time ago.

So, I think I may just be dredging up the past out of revenge. She knows the kind of man she is married to and has reconciled. I will be confronting OM w/this info though as this is someone who is a supposed "friend". Not any more. Weird, rather than wanting to tear his head off, I feel fed up. Probably not a good sign for our M if my blood pressure doesn't rise when I think of my WW's cheating.

Ok ITHURTS, after reading that my blood pressure is starting to rise. MISTAKES. Having sex outside your M is not a mistake. Transposing numbers in your checkbook, mistake. Making a wrong turn while travelling, mistake. Buying a car, regretting you didn't het a different on, mistake. Making a poor investment choice, mistake. BUT sleeping with someone outside your M is not a mistake. It is willfully malicious and destructive. It is an act that heaps terrible hurt, tears families apart, divides communities, even leads to murder as we have unfortunately seen.

The only reason I do not expose is because the other couple has already crossed this bridge and reconciled. She knows who she is married to. I am just finding out. She has already made a choice to commit. What outcome would there be anyway. Will she D him now, doubtful. It would just create unneccessary for her and her kids. OM, however is no longer welcome around me or my W as long as I am M to her, and that will be made clear to all parties involved.

Bear - Mistakes
Quote:
It is willfully malicious and destructive. It is an act that heaps terrible hurt, tears families apart, divides communities, even leads to murder as we have unfortunately seen.

Sorry, I have to disagree here, just alittle..
I am a FWW (1st M) - I did not willfully and maliciously have an A. I didn't sit down one day and say I think I'll have an A..It was not premeditated..I made a "mistake" becoming "friends" w/a man outside of my M..I did not realize until almost 10 years into marrying this man - that HE WAS THE ONE (though Single) WHO SET OUT TO MALICIOUSLY HAVE AN A W/A MARRIED WOMEN..AND HE CONTINUES THIS BEHAVIOUR.

I agree there are people out there that are looking to have SF outside of their M and they do not care if the OP is M or not..I view them as sexual predators - they are a different breed altogether..

YOur right his wife knows (just like I know) what we are M to - it would serve no purpose to tell her something that is now water over the damn in her eyes. She knows he's had multiple A's - names and dates don't really matter. Don't worry she knows - deep in her soul, she knows...