My WW and I have started spending time together again after we had separated for more than a year. We both had seen other people but decided to put our marriage back together with MC after 3 months of neither of us being actively involved with other people. Last wk I was told that my "FWW" had started seeing someone else. I saw her coming from the OM home which she originally denied but later admitted to. Her reason was he was having trouble with his girlfriend and needed someone "to talk to" and since he was an old friend she saw nothing wrong with this. The irony of this is that it was this guy's girlfriend who called me with her suspicions after seeing my WW phone number on his phone caller ID. My WW doesn't think I should feel betrayed and doesn't believe that she did anything wrong. I told her had she not lied initially about it, perhaps neither would have I; but her lying about going to his house in the first place was good reason for me to have concerns and reservations. We have not talked in two days; there was no argument nor LB's I have just decided to wait and see. I have not been accusing but feel distressed right now. This was almost the same scenario that led to our separation and I just can't live through another episode. Our MC has told my WW that she and anyone else would have a difficult time believing her story and has suggested that my WW think about it and either tell me the truth or just not pursue recovery at this time. What can or should I do?

<small>[ December 18, 2004, 06:32 PM: Message edited by: ecxpa ]</small>

excpa,

What should you do? Nothing. You are not the one who lost your trust.... she is. If your W is not seeing that her actions raise doubt in many areas (GF, you, IC/MC, etc.)....then she is going back to the fog. Best you remove yourself from her fog or she will drag you in as well.

You have been through this before, right? An Xws does not have normal trust status rights as those who have NOT committed the A. Not yet anyway..... my H feels the same way. I have to remind him that because he had the A, I don't have all the trust in him that he has in me. So periodically I will question his choices. The maybe harmless but if they feel harmful, then he needs to be the one who gives that up because when I'm not happy, then we are not happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Does that mean you are controlling and jealous? Nope, Just cautious and justifiably so. When a WS says you are controlling and jealous....say why shouldn't I be? I'm not but maybe I should be? Let the WS wiggle her way out of that corner. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

See you don't have to work so hard....just gotta know how to babble a bit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

L.

Thankx Orchid we share identical perspectives on this situation. My WW response has been "I haven't done anything wrong".... it's amazing how fog can cloud one's judgement. It's like they don't believe they have done anything wrong until they are caught and then it is someone elses's fault.

ecxpa,

Ok, so we are on the same page. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Now how can we help you?

See plan A is generally about taking the BS out of the shock stage and into the healthy stage. That way if your need to go to plan B, D or recovery, you w/b ready.

So how can we help you?

Counseling
Books
Questionnaire
Support group
IC/MC
Identifying your personal boundaries
Implementing those boundaries
Securing your finances (both present and future)
Giving support to your family
Learning how to deal with a WS or Xws or spouse

L.

Orchid....I guess I need direction on how to respond or maybe I should say react to this situation. We haven't talked in 3 days now. I feel like she needs time to think about her actions and I don't need to fan a flame that may not only burn me but devour me. She has sent word that I should call her so we can "talk" this thing out. I am reluctant to do so. I am willing to listen to anything she has to say but don't feel that it is in my best interest to initiate contact since she has continuously lied about this most recent event. I don't feel selfish in this regard but maybe I am. I really don't know what I would say to her to begin to absolve this issue.