Also I am not trying to change for him. I am doing this for ME. I do not like the person I have become.

This week I have been trying to work on myself. I know I will not make huge changes overnight but I am taking small steps towards them.

Last night I actually exercised for the first time since I had Chloe. It felt so good. I really want to join a gym but I am kind of scared. I have never been to a gym, I am shy and wish I had someone to go with me.

I am in the process of making a list of things I like to do and want to do or learn. For the last few years it's been all about my husband and kids. Now it's time for me to provide some of my own happiness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was really upset with my husband last night. He came home late after talking with OW. Usually I would blow up and we would end up in this huge argument. I just told him I wish he wouldn't do that. Then I let it go. He was sitting on the couch. I was sooooooooo tired. I laid down and put my head on his lap. He started singing Christmas songs. He is a very good singer. He would ask me what song to sing next. I ended up dozing off while he was singing to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just think if I want or expect my husband to want to change. I will also have to change some. Not for him but for ME and US. For a long time I would say stuff and not do it. But I know I NEED to show the actions if I say something.

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

SML,

My biggest problem is the fact that I realize what I did wrong in our marriage. I know some of things I need to change. It's just hard getting out of old habits.

No chere....you're biggest problem is that your husband has a lover....and under those circumstances, with it being flaunted in your face, while you're pregnant....it's next to impossible not to be angry, hurt, demanding etc. No one...NO ONE!....can be expected to act well all the time under those circumstances. You judge yourself incredibly harshly....and he knows he can make this your fault because you are so dang loving and forgiving.

I guess I need advice. While my husband is living here. When he goes out to call the OW and I know what he is doing. How do I handle it?

Chere....if you don't want to change the locks and leave the Plan B letter on the porch (my first choice) then leave and go to your mother's. You get OFF the merry go round.

Usually I tell him it hurts me what he is doing and that I wish he wouldn't disrespect me. Should I even say that or should I just say nothing?

He KNOWS it hurts you. He does it anyway. He is an addict and if seeing your hurt was enough to make him change....he would have by now. Please stop using strategies that just don't work.

I am not a patient person. I can't seem to stop R talks and talking about OW.

Another perfect reason for Plan B. Of course you can't stop....your heart gets ripped out everytime he calls her. You're a human being.

But I know I need to. I know this is pushing him more towards her. He feels pressured and he hates feeling like he can't do what he wants. So the more I say it's wrong or to please stop he wants to do the opposite.

Ditto my response above....perfect reason to go to Plan B....to protect the love that's left.

I know I cannot change overnight. I realize there will be days I mess completely up. But I think it was a major step realizing what I did wrong and what I can work on in myself.

Okay chere, It IS good to recognize that during the course of your Plan A....circumstances made it very hard for you to do a great job. But please....flawed or not....it was a 100 times better than ANY effort he made. Please wake up chere....this is not about YOU. If you want to take a few weeks to show your absolute best side....go ahead....but do not drop anchor there. Please call a good coach SML!!

Ditto Star*fish

Pep

My plan is not to continue to stay in the situation and plan A forever. I am just relaxing, enjoying my kids, holidays and recovering from giving birth to my baby girl. I am just putting my major decisions on hold for a bit. But not to long.

After New Years I will decide what action to take. My plan is still to sell our home. No matter how much I don't want to. This probably is my only option. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> After that we will go our separate ways. After we sell the house then the profit will be slit after the bills are paid. Then I do not want any form of contact from him. The kids visits will be through someone else. If he would decide to commit to our marriage again or want to try. Then I would be willing to discuss it with him.

I want him to be happy but it breaks my heart that he would give up on us so easily. Because I know he can be happy with me. I guess my greatest hope right now is that he will decide to go NC and try in our marriage.

SML,

It sounds like your plan is more geared toward divorce? I'm suggesting there is a good step in between that is more likely to give you back some peace and dignity during this holiday season. I do want you to enjoy this holiday as much as possible and that is the main reason for my suggestion. Is it realistic that you will be able to have a good holiday with your children with him leaving to go call his lover in between presents and carols?

I know this isn't what you want to hear right now SML, but it is good advice and you're too sweet for your own good right now. I keep trying to protect you.....because you can't seem to do that for yourself. Christmas is the perfect time for him to miss his family....rather than enable his affair.

I'll bow out now....*whimper* I'm so sad for you chere and you are in my prayers. I hope whatever you choose works out the best for you.

(((((((((((((((sml))))))))))))))))))

SML, one thing that i have learned (and i have learned lots through all this) that it is imperative to follow words w/actions. i want to also preface what i say that until someone walks in your shoes and is experiencing what you are then it's just not easy to say, "this is what you have to do."

that's all fine and dandy the plan you have and i would even go so far to say that it is reasonable. but you have got to stick to what you say. if nothing else, it makes us better than the WS because their actions hardly ever follow the words they say. i'm not trying to threaten you but just give you a small warning that as time goes by and we still read that you are continuing on the same path, you should really be prepared to receive some 2x4's. be the better person, take the high road, and follow your words w/actions.

if you say that you are just going to wait until some time after the holidays and wait for things to settle down then again, that's fine but do not prolong it, just do it!

one other thing that may be of note. we had to sell our house, that was never a question, we knew we would be selling it when we bought it because i was in the military and knew we would not be staying there. anyway, there was no way that i was going to split the proceeds from the house and let my h go and fund his new life. even if he had said that he would pay bills, i couldn't rely on that, he had proved himself untrustworthy and when it came to money there would be no difference. so what i did was get my h to agree to let my lawyer handle the sale of the house and got my h to agree that all the proceeds from the sell of the house to go towards the marital debt. that way he wouldn't get to go on a spending spree and some bills would be paid. it worked out great. there was a little over $300 left over (not enough to pay off another bill) and we did split that amount but that was a lot different then splitting the $25K we made on the house. I think you get what i'm trying to say.

just some additional things to think about...prayers to you, RR

SML - I haven't been posting much lately but I have been following your thread. I am saddened to see that nothing has changed and you are still having to put up with all this all while taking care of a newborn and two other children (I don't know how you do it, just taking care of the baby is a full time job for me!). I'm glad to hear you have a time line and plan in place, I just hope you find the strength to stick to it. You have been going through this for a long time and at this point the only thing I see working for you is Plan B. If you continue with things as they are you are just opening yourself up for continuing pain and suffering. Please try to enjoy the holidays and this time with the kids. Take care.

Just wondering SML - Did you ever expose the affair to OWs father? I know you thought about it, but I'm not sure you ever did it. Has she had any consequences for her behaviour?

very good question horizon!

{{{{{{{{{{{SML}}}}}}}}}}}}

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This probably is my only option. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sweetie...you have been getting the best of the best in advice from starfish...she's helped an awful lot of folks through this mess, time and again...people coming out STRONG on the "other" side of the pain, chaos and devastation...

despair is tempting for a BS...it is no stretch at all to guess that your despair is also strongly tied into hormones...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want him to be happy but it breaks my heart that he would give up on us so easily. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if you truly want him to be happy, and even more importantly -- if you decide that your kids and your own happiness are the most important thing to you -- then just give it a rest...

stop trying to make decisions that don't have to be made yet...

can you accept just one thing...only one thing? today -- can you work on saying and accepting this?

your H is an addict ...he is not doing what he is doing now because of YOU...this is not in any way, shape or form about YOU (or her)...it is all about him...

and he will not change for YOU...if he did, it wouldn't last anyhow...he needs to change for HIM...that's the only lasting change an addict can truly make...when they decide it is enough, not before...

SML: coddle yourself and all your babies over the holidays...work on detaching from your H's chaos...PROTECT your family...go into Plan B...

you can do this sweetie, you really can...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Last night I actually exercised for the first time since I had Chloe. It felt so good. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">excellent -- way to go!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I really want to join a gym but I am kind of scared. I have never been to a gym, I am shy and wish I had someone to go with me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">just like the exercise, Plan B can be scary stuff for sure...no doubt about it...but it is far more scary in thought than reality...in reality, it is the best thing you can do for all of you...it is a strong strong move that will help all of you...

your H is an addict...can you accept this?

awed