I had hired a private investigator. I got the info that I needed a couple days ago, which included her home phone #. I wanted to call the number to hear the answering machine basically to verify if it really was her home number. My plan was to tell her boyfriend of the affair between her and my husband eventaully, if it did not end whtin a few weeks.
I had drank a 1/2 bottle of wine and was feeling very brave I guess. I should have waited until monday when I knew no one would be home but instead chose to call the number in he middle of the night hoping to get the answering machine. If he would have answered, I would've just hung up because my goal was not to tell him at this point. I got my answer. The machine said blank and blank are not home please leave a message.
This morning she called me to see why I called her home in the middle of the night. ( reading this I sound like a psychopath but I swear I'm not LOL.) OW and I proceeded to have a very nice talk for the next half hour.
She genuinely apologized and expressed her regret and told me how much she loves her boyfriend of 8 yrs. She said she's been suspecting him of an affair for over a year and if she had enough money she'd hire a private investigator. I said well funny you should say that because that's exactly what I did to spy on the two of you. Her respone? Good for you- and she said if it was her in my shoes she would not be able to forgive him. She said I must have a really big heart to even think of taking my husband back. She expressed how sorry she was for ruining our family. She said that she stuck to her word, which she told me the day I found out and that was that she would not call my husband anymore. I said I appreciated that but I know he's still calling her, because he's admitted that. He's told me that he won't promise at this point that he'll never call her again becuase if he does then he'd be lying and he needs time to be able to get over her and does not want to lie to me about it. She said that she can't control what he does if he calls her. I said that is true but I would appreciate it if she'd tell him to stop. She said "I can do that."
She made it very clear that her boyfriend of 8 years was her priority and that she didn't need my husband causing more baggage.
It sounds to me that this affair was a lot more meaningful to him than to her. I'm just not sure what to make of all this. Her being so sorry. I know as of right now my husband does not know that I have talked with her. What would you think of this? thanks

Remember you are getting info from a highly unreliable source. Her response seems more like to cover her [censored] than be apologetic. She seems t/b a smooth one.... I'd say....she was babble out her behind.

Don't fall for it. Watch your H's actions. You just blew your cover so you will have to figure out another way to get to her BF should you need to.

At the very least, I hope the lesson learned is NOT to drink and handle important business without a clear mind.

L.

thanks Orchid. I have talked to her again since then. After that conversation, she did call my H to end it. She told me she would. She is working on her own relationship and no longer needs my husband as baggage. She feels sad but knew it needed to be over. He is a bit upset at me right now because of it. I also had him all packed up and ready to move out when he got home. He knows of her situation with her boyfriend (suspecting an affair on that end too but she cannot prove it.) She and I talked for 2 hours the second time and my husband and I briefly talked about it. For some reason I truly believe her. She feels horrible a bout what she did to our family and told me that I have such a big heart because if she were in my situation, she is not someone who could forgive. I just don't know what to make of this really.

Suzy,

Now you have this OW piece out of the way....but as you can see you still have the WS piece to deal with. You handled it with a slightly different approach but you are getting results.

Not all OWs are as gracious...... or end up as gracious. Hopefully that w/b the end of it with her. Now your next challenge is the WS.

Where is he now?

L.

Since I'd packed him up I told him I'd leave it to him to tell the kids, which he did yesterday. That was so awful. All of us, including him bawled like babies for 20 minutes. He did leave but promised the kids he would be back later after he got a chance to do some thinking.
Well, today he's still here, and has not unpacked becuase I haven't told him he could. All his stuff is sitting in the basement and he's basically living out of the suitcase. I told him that we need to talk and I'm so over anymore questions and trying to get to the bottom of it now that I've talked to OW. We just need to talk about the next step.
He is mad at both OW and me because talked and had a great conversation! I don't want him to go and the kids were hysterical. We all were! It just felt so out of control.

The question s/b as he is, where do you need him t/b? His actions will place him outside the family home but only his repentance and your forgiveness can bring him back.

So he has to come up with a plan. Can he? Did he?

How open is he to phone counseling with Steve @ MB?

L.

Well, he's getting so much counseling right now I don't know if he could stand any more. He is going through both one on one alcohol counseling and aftercare class. Also, we went to one MC session and he is starting individual couseling for that and I am starting as well. I could not get in for another two weeks though and I'm so bummed. I want to start now! He starts his individual early next week, since he was already a patient there. The MC had told us at that one session that until he could give up OW, she wouldn't be able to help us.
He really is pushing for MC and we are both wonderng how we are supposed do deal with it without help over the next couple weeks. We are human, we should know how to relate to each other but we want so bad for some guidance. He is the type of person who needs to hear it from a counselor, not me and I'm sure he wouldn't check out a website or message board like this one. He is a very stubborn man, yet he is showing me a lot of affection today. We briefly talked and I decided to let him unpack, at least for now. He was very happy about that.

update but not much to tell. He is still at home and things are a little tense but still okay, if that makes any sense. We are being very kind to each other at the moment. There have been no blow ups at all. He did however, delete OW's number from my cell phone and rip her home phone number out of my journal. I asked him about that and he said he was mad at himself for doing that. He said the "old" him would have taken the whole journal and gotten rid of it. I have no reason to talk to her again so I am not mad about that. At least we discussed it like adults. I asked him if he read the journal and he said he didn't read much but maybe he should have. I said maybe someday but right now it's just too raw. I hope to throw it away someday and never look back on this again.
You know one thing that I've felt horrible about is taking off my wedding ring. I don't feel I can wear it because I don't feel I have a husband right now. My hope is someday we can both put our rings back on and have it symbolize working through this. He hasn't worn his in over a year. He has a bump on his finger that gets aggravated by his ring. It's gone down a lot now though since he hasn't been wearing it. Maybe it was just an excuse not to wear it. I just wish I wouldn't read so much into things. That is my one major flaw. Anyone have any insight to the wedding ring thing? I'm sure there have many posts on this, I just have not searched for them.