Hello Caren

welcome to MB though I never think its somewhere anyone wants to visit for the first time.

read your post, any more news???

I'm actually not new....and that's the latest as of today.......I'm seriously gonna lose it....I don't know how I can pretend everything is fine tonight...but I have to.......I have to keep my cool until I have proof....then all hell's breakin loose.

-Caren
-------------
BW - Me 36
WH - 35
D-Day: Sometime in August 04
1 DD together (2 DD's of my own)
I Moved Out: September 9, 04
Intermittantly Plan A-ing and Flipping Out
Daily contact with WH
Plan B Coming After Holidays

Caren,

My heart goes out to you. I can feel your pain, anger, fear and confusion. I've felt it too. It just adds insult to injury when not only do they cheat but they lie and lie and lie about it trying to make you think you're crazy.

I know the desire to confront OW is very strong, but since you don't think you could control yourself your best bet is to stay away from her. Do you have children? The last thing you want is for you to be arrested for assault and battery or worse. Then your children could wind up living with H and his OW if you ultimately do get a divorce.

I think if I were you I'd take your friend up on his offer to follow your H and verify once and for all if he is having an affair with this woman or not. I think in your heart of hearts you know that he is, but if definitive proof is what you need then let your friend get it for you.

Have you read about the MB principles? Exposure is key, so if they are in fact having an affair it might be in your best interest to expose it to her employer. Is she married?

Try to remain clam and think out your game plan. Take care of yourself. Good luck, SNS

Still.....is she married, No, do I have kids, Yes.

I have thought that this affair was going on for months, but he keeps saying it's not, he keeps saying "Why would I come over and spend the night with you if I were sleeping with someone else...etc. etc.

So yes, in my gut, that's what I think is going on, and I think I'll have to take my friend up on it, as I can't afford a P.I. I have also offered to do the same for him, as she doesn't know me and if she goes to a club, I could follow her in and see what's going on un-noticed.

It's really hard for me to think about his situation, since my own is so horrible....but it might be a welcome break.

I've been sending text messages to "HER" phone all morning from the computer......so there's no way to return/trace the messages. Just been saying vague stuff like "Be sure you know the reprocussions of your actions" and "Control Your Destiny or someone else will" See if I can't make her squirm a bit.

Oh, and when I do find out this is what's going on....I will tell EVERYONE....I will definitely tell her employer, I'm going to say that I don't think that's really the best idea for their business.....it's not great customer relations for the manager of their store (they have a chain) in my city, to be having an affair with my husband.

Arrrrrrrrrrgh, I feel like I'm going to go bezerk!!!

-Caren
-----------------BW - Me 36
WH - 35
D-Day: Sometime in August 04
1 DD together (2 DD's of my own)
I Moved Out: September 9, 04
Intermittantly Plan A-ing and Flipping Out
Daily contact with WH
Plan B Coming After Holidays

this is obviously driving you over the edge and causing a lot of pain.

I notice in your signature you say moved out in Sept of this year, are you still living apart right now?

Yes I would take up your friends offer if this is getting so bad you just have to know.
Once you have something to actually work on then you can plan what YOU want to do.

I would say that you should not approach the OW if she turns out to be one UNLESS you can be sure not to assult her, getting locked up wont help YOU, may feel better for a moment but it has too many consequences for YOU.

Wish I could help you. I cannot. Sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I do not have advice that can be useful for you as long as you are threatening to beat people up. That is beyond my personal limit.

I hope you have a good friend or confidant or family member you can call who is willing to sit with you until you find some other way to express your outrage and pain ... other than with your fists.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Pepper,

I know, I can't solve this problem with my fists, I know in my head you're right, I haven't touched her....and I most likely won't......because A: It won't really accomplish anything, and B: I don't want to go to jail.....and lastly coming in at number 3, C: No one deserves to be physically assaulted.

So......any advice you can give would be appreciated, I'm at my wits end......I guess I figure if I type about kicking the crap out of someone it's a way of getting how I feel out there, so I don't actually have to do it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
-Caren

BW - Me 36
WH - 35
D-Day: Sometime in August 04
1 DD together (2 DD's of my own)
I Moved Out: September 9, 04
Intermittantly Plan A-ing and Flipping Out
Daily contact with WH
Plan B Coming After Holidays

and don't forget reason #4

4. Because, in fact, it is your husband's actions/choices that hurt ...

Pep

Pepper:

It just makes me so angry that I've actually confronted her (before I moved out) and she said "No, nothing like that is going on, I hope you didn't think that........." LIED right to my face.

I guess I'll leave it up to Karma.....

-Caren
------------------------
BW - Me 36
WH - 35
D-Day: Sometime in August 04
1 DD together (2 DD's of my own)
I Moved Out: September 9, 04
Intermittantly Plan A-ing and Flipping Out
Daily contact with WH
Plan B Coming After Holidays

If you continue to focus on OW instead of yourself, your marriage will grow weaker.

What are you willing to change about yourself immediately?

Pep

Pepper:

Oh god, I don't know. I try to think about myself, I try to be positive, then I have my days where it's like I've been hit be a wrecking ball....destroying all my progress.

I don't know what to change about myself....I'm so lost without him.

I feel like everything I do have the same motivation, to get my family back.

If I could change one thing, it'd be to not let all this bother me, and focus on how to constructively beat this and have my husband back.

*Sigh*

-Caren
--------------------
BW - Me 36
WH - 35
D-Day: Sometime in August 04
1 DD together (2 DD's of my own)
I Moved Out: September 9, 04
Intermittantly Plan A-ing and Flipping Out
Daily contact with WH
Plan B Coming After Holidays

Hi Caren,

I feel for you as I'm sure many others here do. I don't have much advice for you, as I'm pretty new myself at being a BS. What I can tell you is that for the first month after my Dday I was a mess. Since then I have been focused on doing my Plan A. I made a game out of it, as I'm very competitive. I also tried to detach as much as possible from my WW and how she hurt me. It's like the old saying "never let them see you sweat". Except in the BS case it should be never let WS see you hurting, giving up/in, needy/clingy. All of these things actually push the WS away. So I'd say to make a game and put on your best Plan A, making yourself into the best person that you can be. That also means taking care of yourself ie, me time, working out, going out with friends, and letting WS know your out there having a good time.

Course everyone's sitch are a little different, so some of this may apply some maybe won't.

Good luck, native.

Hi, Caren:

I know how you are hurting. I've been through it too. Having contact with the OW won't help you, and it won't help save your marriage. It will only hurt you. Don't be surprised by the lying...it's the worst part, but they all do it.

I had some fantasies about revenge, too. Just remember that your children are watching everything you do...how you handle this affects them too. I know it's now fair...but it's life.

I don't think you need to pretend that you don't know what is going on with your husband. Have your friend follow him to get proof. You can tell him you know what is going on without being disrespectful, or LBing. If you are too upset to talk to him today, and he calls you, tell him so, but be polite about it.

No angry outbursts okay? Those just push him away and fuel the fire.

It's so hard to handle...the lies, the deceit, the not even having the balls to admit what's going on, instead of blaming it all on me.....

I've been anonymously text messaging her cell phone (that's one of the number's I just found on his cell phone account). I've been saying things like: The road to hell is paved with good intentions, Be careful what you wish for, You may have won the battle but you haven't won the war.....etc. No way to prove it's me....but she knows, I'm sure......If approached I'm going to say, Now how on earth would I know that woman had a cell phone, much less know the number....

I pray for my husband everynight, maybe I should pray for her....pray that God shows her the error of her ways....I dunno, I don't want to "hate" anybody.....but I'm very close to hating her, and that's another think that's making me crazy, I know that I'm supposed to forgive her, I'm definitely not at that point.

God please help me forgive her for what she's doing to my family, help me forgive my husband, and help me get my family back.

I did go Christmas shopping with him this evening.....checked his stupid cell phone records right after I got home (because it takes like 3 hours to show up online) to see that he'd called her RIGHT before he came to my house to pick me up....grrrrrrrrr. Not seeing her my A$$.
I also did a little survellience (sp?) as soon as he left, drove by his house/her house....no meeting this evening. (I borrowed a friend's car to do this, since he know's mine). Anyway the shopping itself went okay. I told him I bought him a gift.....he said "Why?" I said, "Because it's Christmas, and I wanted you to have something to open too. I bought you an anniversary gift (even though I didn't get one) and I made you dinner on your birthday when I couldn't afford to buy you anything, and because you're my husband. I throw that in every chance I get......reminding him that he is indeed still my husband.

I flat refuse to divorce him, I will fight it every step of the way.......it is SO wrong, I just feel it in my heart, it couldn't be more wrong, so I will fight for my marriage......so after the holidays we're on to plan B (again, providing I prove the affair before then) I have to prove it, I don't know why, it's OBVIOUSLY going on....but I have never been one to call anyone a liar unless I had irrefutable (sp?) proof.

Sigh......some days the MB group is all the keeps me hanging on.

P.S. I'm going to be a complete basket case on New Years Eve.......(He's staying the night on Christmas Eve so he'll be here when the girls open their presents) but I feel safe to say he won't be spending new year's with us.......my first new year with no one to kiss in 12 years, that's going to make me cry.

-Caren
---------------
BW - Me 36
WH - 35
D-Day: Sometime in August 04
1 DD together (2 DD's of my own)
I Moved Out: September 9, 04
Intermittantly Plan A-ing and Flipping Out
Daily contact with WH
Plan B Coming After Holidays

Caren,

1. Stop sending her any messages. You could get yourself into a heap of trouble even if you think she can't id you. STOP IT!

2. Pray for a clear mind, a calm heart and lots of patience. You need it right now or else everyone else will thing you are psycho. Don't stoop to that level.

3. Keep yourself busy by reading: Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs and other books. Those 2 are by Dr. W. Harley.

Check out your financial options and secure them. Build up a support group when you are ready. Identify your boundaries (there are probably a lot but they should narrow down to about 2 - 3 real ones).

4. Keep posting here to vent as needed.

5. Learn not to put stock into fog babble..... learn to retort in reverse babble when needed.

6. Get with a good MC or call Steve Harley for some phone counseling.

7. Focus on you and not the WS. He is probably lying through his pants because his zipper c/b stuck or broken. So don't try to make the hole bigger. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.

Caren,

This must be a really tough situation, your posts show so much pain and frustration. Sometimes its just plain unfair.

If you can possibly try to think of ways to look after yourself at a time like this - friends you can rely on for support and venting, going out and doing fun things with your kids, cooking them a special dinner, playing sports or going to the gym until you are totally exhausted and sleep peacefully.... Are you taking anti-Ds? Many on here take them and say they really made a big difference.

Once the pain is just that little bit less, its easier to have a clear mind and focus on the long term goals and how you get there... reading the Harley books and implementing the ideas, working on yourself, exposure.

I've been anonymously text messaging her cell phone (that's one of the number's I just found on his cell phone account). I've been saying things like: The road to hell is paved with good intentions, Be careful what you wish for, You may have won the battle but you haven't won the war.....etc. No way to prove it's me....but she knows, I'm sure......If approached I'm going to say, Now how on earth would I know that woman had a cell phone, much less know the number....

Caren -

You are beomming a stalker! Knock it off. You are going to end up giving yourself a nervous breakdown, and you are pushing your husband away from you and into her arms.

KNOCK IT OFF! You must get a grip on yourself.

OW makes things difficult, but it is your H making his own decisions. Be the one he decides on - not the monster. It is easy to avoid a monster.

Think carefully about the choice you make. All our choices come back to us - the good and the bad.....

I have stopped text messaging her, although I was having fun doing it....LOL, Not only would everyone else think I'm psycho, I'm beginning to think that about myself.

I MUST find out the truth, that's what it all boils down to....but after that....do I then implement a strong and steady plan A or do I count that I've been doing nice things for him .....but had it mixed in with being psycho here and there and head straight for Plan B???

This is the most confusing thing I've ever gone through, I love him so much it's ripping my heart out...I just feel like once I have definite proof I can move on from there.

The people on MB are such a Godsend, you keeping from slipping straight over the edge....which always feels like it's just one little step away.

-Caren
"One Step Closer To The Edge And I'm About To Break"