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Lovingboundaries told me I should start a Plan B journal, so here I am.
Have spent all day at my boss's house with my boss and his wife. They are great friends, and very supportive of me.
I've read along in some of the other journal threads. I guess it's just putting thoughts and feelings into words.
I'm getting ready to go to bed now. I have been putting up the Christmas tree and decorations.
It seems kind of hollow in a way, but not nearly so bad as last year. WH had moved into his own apartment (to continue his A which was unknown to me at the time) in November. He spent Christmas Eve with OW, and didn't show up here until mid-morning on Christmas day.
The gifts he gave me were ridiculous. He just went to Costco and threw some things into the cart to give to me. A coffee grinder. Some other things I neither wanted nor would ever use.
Still in all, I feel I have some kind of personal victory today. I have not been in turmoil all day. I know that tomorrow will be even better.
I'm not thinking about WH much at all. No urges to snoop. No wishing he would call.
Just some real inner peace.
I'm going to get a couple of books to read that have been suggested to me here, and I'm going to work on myself. Better myself. Be happy. Live.
I now have two things hanging from my rear view mirror.....a flying pig, and a blue bird. They indicate to me my new take on what is going on with me. When pigs fly (for WH), and the blue bird of happiness (for me).
Just rambling, I know. This is all still new to me. Personal progress, standing up for myself.
Thank you all for your support. I wouldn't have gotten this far without your encouragement.
K
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Good 4 U. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I like that pigs and blue bird analogy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> L.
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Dear k, make each day a "new" day for your own "personal recovery". Celebrate each day for "yourself"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is always up to ones self whether they are "happy or not" so you decide to make each and every day a "happy one"............. You keep up with decorating and listening to "Happy Xmas Carols"........it's your WS that is "missing out" on this. It is HIS CHOICE to either share this with you or not. Plan B is meant to "give you" a release from all of this junk. It will help you to get the "stress" out of your life!!! Believe me k, he's not able to "just forget" the years he shared with you. Stick to Plan B and STAY STRONG!!! Make each day "Personal Victory Day!" I'm still "giggling" when I imagine the pic of the "Flying pig!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> http://www.flying-pig.org/pagesv/pig.htm <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> how do you like this one???? and how about this one for out in the yard! http://www.restorationhardware.com/...;categoryId=cat160157&id=sprod007359 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> take care bb <small>[ December 20, 2004, 02:37 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>
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Hi Orchid and bb..... I love the flying pigs! Mine looks just like the little pink pig at the top of the first page! Today, I will "enjoy" the consequences of my decisions. So will WH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I will write more later.....have to get ready for work now. K
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hi k <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Luv the flying pig LOL Luv the bluebird more <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So, what's next on your agenda for enjoying your break from the crap? I hope it's got something to do with cooking something new or special or baking something. And I hope you describe it in delicious detail <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Today was "personal Victory Day".
Why??? Because WH tried to get me to break no contact in Plan B, and I did not.
Not only that, but it didn't even really cross my mind!
I think I grew half and inch today!!!!
K
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Today K learns.......
Everyone on MB's is right!
The WS keeps the OP on a "string" just in case things with BS don't work out. (WS Rule #1: Always have a "safety net")
K also learns to stand up for he boundaries:
Boundary #1: WS must be rid of OP FIRST. Must also have proof. No if's, and's, or but's!
Boundary #2: There is no negotiation for reconciliation until conditions in Plan B letter have been met (with proof), and upheld by WS FIRST.
K also learns that she needs to complete her list of boundaries. So much more about myself I need to learn......and what's right for ME!
Starting with "Who Moved My Cheese?" tonight.
K also learns that she is worth a lot.....worth fighting for.
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Very proud of K72172! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
L.
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K:
Sounds like you are doing well, I'm happy for you.
I have a question, how did your WH try to break your no contact part of Plan B??
The problem I see presenting itself when I do go into plan B is my WH talks to my 10 year old several times a day....a few times when I'm at work and at least once or twice when I'm here, he usually asks to talk to me afterwards.....what does he want? Usually nothing, he just wants to talk to me (which means to me he misses talking to me). So, I can work out him picking up our daughter without me being around, but how do I handle him talking to her and then him asking to speak with me? I mean I realize I can refuse to speak to him, but should I cut out his contact with my daughter that is daily by phone? I thought maybe I should tell him not to call her unless there was a specific reason regarding our finances or our daughter, and that she could call him at all other times if she wants to speak to him. I don't want to hurt her, but I almost feel like he doesn't deserve the priviledge of talking to her everyday....I mean he left her too, not just me, but I don't want to take away something she's clinging to.
*sigh*
-Caren
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BW - Me 36
WH - 35
D-Day: Sometime in August 04
1 DD together (2 DD's of my own)
I Moved Out: September 9, 04
Intermittantly Plan A-ing and Flipping Out
Daily contact with WH
Plan to confirm affair once and for all in the near future at which time I'll start a real plan A, until probably after taxes are filed, at which
time I'm kickin' Plan B into action.
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Caren....
Thanks for your reply.
I think it's good that you are looking at Plan B from all angles. You do really need to have a plan for it, and stick to it.
It's soooooooo sad that the children have to be caught in the middle. They above all should not have to suffer. But you will figure out a way to solve this part of your plan.
The way I see it now, your boundaries must be clear to YOU. And, if you don't have enough boundaries to surround yourself (say, only two boundaries), you will have put yourself in the position of having only two sides covered.....like train tracks - with you in the middle. The train is bound to come along sooner or later, with YOU in their headlights! Another sad victim of an unfortunate train accident.
My how I DO run on. I seem to have opened a new side of my brain. The one that sees CLEARLY.
Good luck to you, Caren. Take care of your DD, and yourself.
K
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hi k <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Caren, I feel strongly that one parent does not keep another parent from contact with a child. However, that doesn't mean that YOU have to talk to him when he calls. I handled it this way. If it was him when I answered the phone, I simply said so-and-so is here right now I'll put him/her on. If he wanted to talk to me afterward, I simply said to tell him that this wasn't a good time for me to talk. I wish I had figured out to handle it that way a lot sooner than I did! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I believe that the main thing is to encourage and support a relationship with the kid(s) while not putting them in the middle of the crap. Hard to do. Take care Caren
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After a long day of Christmas shopping yesterday, came home very tired (and OH! My aching feet!) Still feeling great about my decisions. Came home to find WH had been here, and left presents - and one for me. Which will be returned. No if's, and's, or but's! K learned to get a new mediator. One who SHE trusts, and knows will not be sucked into WH's agenda. K also coached the mediator on what was what, and what to say, and to only tell me things that were really important. Boundary #3 - Radical Honesty. With everyone. Doesn't mean anyone's feelings need to get hurt...just honesty. Like Billy Joel sings "Honesty, it's such a lonely word". I want to be true to myself, and live a true and good life. K also learns to be assertive when shopping - don't try and butt in line ahead of me when I've been patiently waiting for a LONG time! Nice, but assertive. (Don't laugh....this is a big step for me, a conflict avoider) K still thinks she's worth a lot - worth fighting for! (Don't you just hate people who talk in the third person?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> K
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$LB says hi k <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
$LB must get back to chores now. $LB would rather be baking cookies. $LB is finding that talking in the third person is like talking about someone else!! Strange! LOL
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LB..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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k, you're absolutely fantastic!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You can't imagine how "powerfull" you are coming over as and believe us all it's going to have a great affect. As you wrote, stay true to yourself and live a true and good life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> take care bb
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K, I had to check in with you before we are without our MB site. You are awesome! Isn't it great when the right decision is so glaringly obvious. I bet your H is just peeing his pants right now. Sorry, I get such enjoyment out of a squirming WS. Now the OP can change and wash those pee-covered pants for him.
Remember I recommended to you the disco song "I will Survive" quite a while ago? Honey, you are surviving. Go buy that song. I'm telling you I can picture you dancing around the house and singing it at the top of your lungs.
Have a great Christmas without the foggy H! CV
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Dear K, You are doing great and it is good to hear you sounding so strong and determined! Throughout this whole painful process the one positive thing has been to watch your self-confidence and sense of self-worth grow and grow! You should just hear (read) yourself! No more Ms. DoorMat for you! It sounds like the new mediator is a good idea. Hopefully they will be careful to filter the fog so you hear only critical information -- if/when there is any... Keep an eye out over the holidays in case WH tries to come slinking home. Just remember to stay strong, dark, and silent! You've got to show him what no contact means. "...I'm dreaming of a dark Christmas..." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You are in my thoughts and prayers. Merry Christmas!
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Hope Christmas was good for you all! Got word that WH was "broken", wanted to come home, has broken all contact with OW, and wanted his life back. Okay, so I talked to him. He was balling the whole time. Said he realized he didn't want to live without me. He would do WHATEVER it took to make this work. He had broken all contact with OW....told her he would not be happy unless he was with me. He was not going to TRY to make this work.....he WOULD make this work. He would give me everything.....passwords, etc. Whatever I wanted. Go to MC. WHATEVER I WANTED. I listened dispassionately. (Fact is, I HAVE turned a corner.....onto "I Don't Care" Street). I told WH radical honesty, accountability, and NO contact with OW EVER! I also told him that I would not play anymore. If any of the above did not happen, Plan D. He has been living in a mutual friend's camper. I have proof. He spent Christmas with us. Acted like his old self again. No dramatics, no drinking. He has stayed on. Last night I asked him how he felt about the decision he made to do WHATEVER IT TAKES. He said that he loves me - is IN love with me - and will do whatever it takes to keep me. For me, I read "Who Moved My Cheese?". I want to be Haw. I AM Haw. I used to be Hem. I have two visualizations - one, a happy life with H. Where we work on everything TOGETHER. Two, a happy life on my own. Where I work happily on my life myself. All that being said, WH has demonstrated his WILLINGNESS to do whatever it takes to make this work. There is REAL change in his attitude. A total change from before. I am sure he senses real change in my attitude...a change that will not back down. A change for the better. A stonger, resolute change. I AM strong. I WILL NOT back down. Things will go OUR way, or I will go MY way. Hi CV. Hi Sierramissed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ! Hope your Christmas was GREAT!!! K <small>[ December 27, 2004, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: k72172 ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172: <strong> All that being said, WH has demonstrated his WILLINGNESS to do whatever it takes to make this work. There is REAL change in his attitude. A total change from before. I am sure he senses real change in my attitude...a change that will not back down. A change for the better. A stonger, resolute change. I AM strong. I WILL NOT back down. Things will go OUR way, or I will go MY way. Hi CV. Hi Sierramissed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ! Hope your Christmas was GREAT!!! K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well K: Good for you. I am happy that your husband has such a "willingness" to change now...Please fill me in how he demonstrated to you the willingness to change, perhaps I missed that. Is a broken down man begging for his wife back demonstrating? Is his staying away from the OW for 2 days demonstrating? Sadly, if you let him move back home (looks like he has that already) "just like that" I fear you will be right back where you started from. You need to make him DEMONSTRATE LONG TERM committment to change, not some impassioned "broken" plea when he is crying because he wants you back and is operating out of desperation for you. I know I will seem like the negative guy here (that is ok), but IF YOU TAKE him back into your house WITHOUT LONG TERM DEMONSTRATION of true change (NOONE CHANGES overnight), then I feel sorry for you. I really do. If he is so committed to changem then he will do ANYTHING to recover this marriage right? Why would you let him back so quickly? This statement says it all for me: """""He spent Christmas with us. ACTED like his old self again. No dramatics, no drinking. He has stayed on.""""""""""""""" I hope your marriage is on the road to recovery, but I am worried for you here. Maybe it will all be great now that he has "changed" and now after a few days is "back in love with you", I hope you don't lose the strength you gained over this Plan B. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Is this how plan B works? Maybe I am way off based on my opinion here. I am gonna bow out of this thread b/c I truly think you are headed back into familiar waters again, and I don't want to hamper your recovery. I wish you luck, I really do. SOURMALE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Lemonman.....
I know how Plan B is supposed to work. I am not blind, or stupid (as many would guess). Handing over all his passwords, answering questions (with no defensiveness, or attitude), and truly demonstrating (with word, attitude) his true desire to make this work.....all show me he means it.
The fact that he did not go to OW, or even see her is in his favor.
His apologies (which I did not ask for), his acknowlegement of all the pain and torment he has put me thru (never done that before), and his acknowlegement that we need help (always balked at this before).
All of this was done after a statement from me that I do not trust him. That he needs to prove everything to me.
The only other thing I can say.....he knows that I do not care any longer if it comes to D. This is in MY favor (mainly because it's true).
My new found strength is real. I have learned some things about myself. No more dramatics.....I KNOW what I want, and what I will and WILL NOT put up with.
I WILL NOT back down. I will NOT change my boundaries. Not for him, not for anyone. I feel calm, and collected. This is MY life. If he wants to be a part of it, then he knows what to do.....I spelled it out for him.
He hasn't tried to tread on me. I'm willing to do the work. So is he.
Is there more I should do? Teach him a lesson?
I am the one who learned the lesson. Stand up for yourself. No one else will.
I told him "Get in, or get out of the way." (And, I did it with calm assertiveness).
If you all think I'm stupid....so be it. But, I will let you know that I am not. I am not wishy-washy. I have not let down my boundaries. This is my stand.
So, beat me up, don't talk to me, or you can support me.
Your choice.
K
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