I know that life is too short (or too long) to be lonely while in a marriage.

Weaver, this is well put. I was very lonely in my marriage before. We co-existed and shared kids but nothing else for about 5 years. Ocassional sexual encounter, just enought to give me hope and hang on a little longer in the relationship. It is a hurtful existance. I cried myself to sleep many, many times.

Would I go through it again? No, I would not. I feel that I wasted quite a few years of my life hoping for something that might never have been. If my husband wants me he had better let me know or I am out the door. I want to be with him but I won't be humiliated, and abused like that again not even for him.

Cathy

___________________________________________________

I didn't want to threadjack so moved your post. Are you still together? In your sig line OW died this early summer and NC was in place since '02.

Just curious what your status is, and how it is going.

Weaver,

Yes, we are still together. After the NC day, he never spoke to her again. He had several opportunities but avoided her completely.

Recovery has been hard for me because of the way we had been before. It felt like he did everything that he could to avoid me and avoid being with me and yet when a stranger propositions him, he jumps in. He wouldn't even try with me. That hurt a lot and I struggle with that feeling of emotional abandonment that I felt.

He has completely changed. He treats me better than even when we were dating. He is much more affectionate and he wants to spend all of his free time with me. I knew that he always had this ability deep inside him. Guess that is why I hung in there so long.

H thought that OW was a nice woman and she lived in a nice apartment. She told him that she was battling cancer and that her children meant the world to her. She didn't do drugs and she only occassionaly drank a glass of wine. She listened to him talk about our relationship and counseled him that he needed to end it. She offered to stand by him and help him through the end of our 20 year marriage. She had been through several break-ups and felt she could guide him.

In reality, her nice apartment was provided by HUD, her cancer was a mole on her back and foot, and her children were her lifeline in that they provided child support. She did not work and could not work because she was an alcoholic and at times was a tweaker. She was involved with a lot of men and she picked up some of them the same way she picked him up. She drank heavily everyday. Rumor has it that at the end of her life she was drinking a gallon of wine and a fifth of vodka a day. She die of multi-organ failure due to alcohol abuse at age 37(that is what her obituary stated.)

I think that it was a huge wake up call to my husband when he started to realize what he had gotten himself into. The OW he thought he had was a character that she made up to entice him into a relationship with her. She tried very hard to keep the real her private. He saw flashes of the real her after d-day and some of the things she said to me. She kind of scared him straight. He saw what he was giving up and then got a clear picture of what he was getting. He has been with me heart and soul from the moment he realized that. All that happened to her probably scared him even more. He knows what his life would have been and what someone like that would have done to him and our children.

It is still hard for me to accept the whole thing. I keep asking myself, what if she had been what she portrayed herself to be? Would he still have wanted to be with me? He says that she wasn't reality and he still would have chosen me but that is something I will never really know.

Cathy

[b]It is still hard for me to accept the whole thing. I keep asking myself, what if she had been what she portrayed herself to be? Would he still have wanted to be with me? He says that she wasn't reality and he still would have chosen me but that is something I will never really know. [/b]

Cathy -

Does it matter? I mean does it really matter? Things worked out so that your husband IS with you, maybe it was devine intervention.

If things had gone differently, and he stayed with her he would have realized sooner or later that his heart was really with you, and it might have been too late to restore your marriage. So thank God it went like this. And I think that you probably do know he would have chosen you in the long run.

You are very lucky, you love him and he loves you. I would let the past go and show that man just how much you truly do love him.

Happy Holidays Cathy and thank you for sharing your story, I have been curious for awhile whenever I see you post what your story is.

<small>[ December 20, 2004, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Wow Cathy,

I'm glad your husband woke up. That is so sad that this ow drank herself to death. Don't question if your H would've wanted you if this ow was what she claimed she was. She was what she was and wondering What IF is pointless, put your energy on something more positive!!!

I had to read this thread because I remember telling my FWW, pre-recovery that is, that I didn't want to be the booby prize. OM was in jail at the time.

What I now realize is that the how's or why's don't matter. What mattered was that I had an opportunity to save my M.

And I did!!!!

Weaver,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does it matter? I mean does it really matter? Things worked out so that your husband IS with you, maybe it was devine intervention </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, to me it does matter. I can't be second choice, I would rather be alone.

My husband kinda considers OW to be some sort of devine intervention to make him realize what he really had and could not see. He feels that if it weren't for her, we still might be living the miserable life we had before. I am sure she is rolling over in her grave over that one! But, seems like intervention could have happened without his having an affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If things had gone differently, and he stayed with her he would have realized sooner or later that his heart was really with you, and it might have been too late to restore your marriage. So thank God it went like this. And I think that you probably do know he would have chosen you in the long run.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H never actually left me. He started to on D-day but never made it out the door. He says he knew if he walked out the door there would be no coming back and he didn't want to take that chance. I would not have been able to accept him back if he would have left. Some people could, but I wouldn't have been able to do that. Somehow he knew that.

AmIenough,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That is so sad that this ow drank herself to death </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, hard for her kids but how hard was it to live with an example like her. Maybe her death prevented them from following in her footprints. I realize that most BS don't have their OW die. I never have to worry about running into her. But it is odd that at the same time, you feel guilt as well.

MrE,
If my husband wants another woman then for me there is no marriage to be saved. I think he is committed now, and that feels good.

Thanks everyone for their comments and support.

Cathy

H never actually left me. He started to on D-day but never made it out the door. He says he knew if he walked out the door there would be no coming back and he didn't want to take that chance. I would not have been able to accept him back if he would have left. Some people could, but I wouldn't have been able to do that. Somehow he knew that.

Then it doesn't really sound like you were his second choice at all to me.

WOW. The way your h treats you now is exactly the way my h treats me now. Totally affectionate, wants to spend all his spare time with me. Never wants to contemplate ever living without me. I'm glad I'm not the only one, I have more faith now that everything is going to be ok. I can't imagine living without my h. I know that if he strays again I will have to but he swears I will never have to think about that.
reewil.