I haven't posted in a few days, and for the most part, things are going great. My fww has come completely out of the fog and is more loving, attentive and great to me than I can frankly ever remember. She is about 3 weeks back on her AD medication (welbutrin) and it is almost freaky what a different person she is with medication. We really don't talk about the A very often at all now, usually, she will make a comment like: (actual comments)

1. I will have to live with what I did the rest of my life.
2. I take responsibility for what I did, but if I had not been off my medication, this never would have happened. I will never go off it again.
3. I never think about him (OM) anymore, but when I do, like just now, there is just nothing there at all. Boy, he really loved me a lot..how stupid could I have been?

I have never been as happy in my life as I am with how things are going, but I still get triggered by the strangest things and then go into a 'state'.

For example, there was a display of Marilyn Monroe memorabilia and personal affects in Indianapolis this weekend. It seemed like something fww would really like so I picked up some tickets and we went on Saturday. One of the first things at the display was a collection of gifts Joe Dimaggio had given to Marilyn and a board talking about their marriage. For those of you not familiar with the story (I wasn't) they met and were married for about nine months, but what I gathered was that she basically couldn't be loyal to him and they divorced. Even so, he loved her until her death and beyond and took a dozen long stemmed roses to her grave every week for 2 decades after her death.

So...trigger time...while my wife enjoyed the rest of the exhibit, I began to go into one of my states. Got quiet all the drive home, irritable, my head filled with thoughts of how could she do this, how do I know she won't do it again, my marriage is like a totaled car, now matter how good you repair it, it will always be a formerly wrecked car.....just stupid stuff.

My wife always picks up on it when I get this way, asks me what is wrong, I just told her I didn't want to talk about it because the feelings that I have are silly and always pass. (In reality, they are not silly, but we are in MC and working on all those things and I don't want to LB for no reason)

Went to bed in that state Sat night and about 2pm on Sunday, the dark cloud just lifted and we had a great night together.

I wonder how I can get past these goofy episodes I have...I just want to enjoy our time together during recovery, not act like a six year old having a tantrum....I can see that SH is right about the BS being a bigger threat to the M than the WS...if our M were not to make it at this point, it would definitely be due to me, not her.

I am going to mention this during MC tomorrow night and see if our counselor has any suggestions for me...I don't want to be this way forever, or much longer at all..a mild touch of PTSD perhaps?

<small>[ December 20, 2004, 06:47 AM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>

HH,

Looking at when your Dday was, I'd say you are doing really well. You should expect to feel this way quite often for a while. I know that I really HATED it when RH (my hubby) was feeling like you do, and there wasn't anything I could really do about it except continue to be there for him, and show him that I was sorry and that I would earn his trust back....however, I realized that the only way to do that was WITH TIME, and that it wasn't so much what I DID do at this point but rather what I DIDN'T DO (cheat anymore)that would mean anything. It feels like such a passive thing, but it's the only way. And you'll see, that with time, you will gradually have fewer episodes. I also understood that any time RH would LB, I needed to just ride it out. It was so difficult, but I owed him that.

You are doing remarkably well. Remember that, ok?

Best wishes,

NOW

HH: wow, our lives are running so parallel...
We, too, are at a similar stage - where my darling H is making wonderful efforts at returning to 'in love' and going out of his way to do and say nice, repairing things to and for me, yet those inexplicable, irrational (no, they are rational, but the accompanying hugeness of the emotions are not) extreme inner turmoil episodes still come up and he has been understanding that they are mine and not him. He apologizes that the things he had done ever caused me to have these.

I apologize back. Specifically about the realization that my failure to acknowledge my own emotions and the subsequent withdrawal and stand-offishness for the past several years has contributed to our difficulties. Also the taking for granted that he would love me and be there - loyal - always and no matter what. Learning to express and have and own emotions in a sharing, caring and respectful way (of both us) is probably the most challenging experience of my life!

He has been great through this!

I've told him I look forward to a better, stronger relationship and for us to be healthier emotionally, mentally and physically. That we must learn how to incorporate these lessons and not slip back.

I'm currently still on a personal project to put together my own timeline acknowledging my role in the distancing and how I hurt him throughout the years before I ask him for his timeline on how it happened. Those are two things I need in order to heal and move on. My fearful side needs to know what he was thinking, how interacting with her made him feel - what it filled for him - for me to be able to know what and how he could have done it. So I can be the one always who fills that hole and no-one else - ever again.

Oh, how I look forward to a time when he feels and tells me he feels she was never what he'd painted her in his own mind or to me or in the whole incident. That may never come, he may not ever feel that way or he may never tell me. That weighs heavily on my heart. But the declarations of love and in love for me right now help a lot.

My 'fair is fair' side knows that I must look at why I did what I did back when, why I distanced myself and give that timeline and confession to him, too. My fair side knows I must fix what's wrong in me to fix what damaged us. I must go first, because I think I initiated the damage.

Like you, the strangest things can set me off. But having read these books mentioned throughout the boards at least prepared me for it. Reading here lets me know I'm not insane. Reading here humbles me.

I am so happy for you!

Blessings on your healing and growth as both individuals and in your marriage!

HH, take it easy you just went through an extremely difficult event. The pain of an A is sometimes compared to the death of a child in it's intensity. So to think that you need to "bury" your feelings too soon doesn't sound like a good idea to me. I think you could have used the opportunity on that drive home to discuss your feelings. After all your W is asking something that she already knows the answer to. You need to meet her half way and open up and give her the opportunity to reassure you that everything is going to be alright. I believe she would welcome that.

But of course you need to be very, very respectful as this is difficult for her, but I believe necessary. I am approaching 3 years past d-day and while it has always been difficult to discuss it still comes up from time to time. My W recently said to me that "I try to do the right thing all the time". It was a subtle reference to her A and contained a hint of remorse. So my point is that I believe that your W also needs to get this all out of her system and she can expedite that process with your ability to ask and listen sensitively. In other words, don't overprotect.

WOE

Thanks for the replies, folks. It really helps a lot. I agree that we both need to get this out of our systems, it's just that I sometimes feel like I am beating a dead horse a bit.

As she has come out of her fog (with the aid of her medication) her guilt intensifies. I know she feels horrible about this whole thing and I hate to beat her up repeatedly with my feelings. We did have a nice talk last night where I explained to her that I love her very much and I know we are going to make it through all of this. I told her that I feel like I need to let go of the 'dream' and settle into my happy reality. I just always had this idea that I would be married one time in life (this is my 1st, her 3rd) and infidelity was never in that picture. I told her it's sort of like having the car you have wanted your whole life, then it gets totalled. Even though it has been repaired and is in fact better than before the accident, it's just not quite the same because it has been wrecked. But, as I told her, you don't get rid of the car, you still love it....you just have to get over being so disturbed that it was wrecked...

I guess time is the key...just not loaded with patience these days, Plan A really took a lot our of me..

HH: great analogy. Me, too, on the marriage fantasy vs loving reality. Hard to let go of the fantasy (particularly when I must face that I did the first damage, with humility and resposnsibilty, as my fantasy is hypocritical in that light).

I get tons of hope and help out of reading the success stories and the joy of a healthy, growing and loving marriage even after all the mistakes. That's what I hang my hat on for optimism and direction. That's what pulls me out of the deep, blue funk. That, and my H's understanding ways.