I need help, at this point I feel lost and alone. Just devastated.
My story is that my husband and I dated 8 yrs on and off then, we eventually got married. We have been married for 8 years now and have an 7 yr daughter together.
Last Dec (2003), I found out that my husband has been having an affair for 2 years (depending on who you ask – his ex-lover says 3 years).
Only reason, he had to come clean about it was because I heard a vm that his ex-lover left on his cell phone – she was singing a song to him. Of course he denied it and acted like I was crazy and I had the problem. I actually, caught an message from her earlier that year May 2003 but of course he convinced me that it was a wrong number and I was stupid for questioning him. Overall, my husband’s personality is unaffectionate and he says very little. Which has been an issue with us all along because I am totally the opposite. Also, I have taken care of him in every aspect, from keeping the house in order, cooking dinner mostly every night even though I work a full time job – leave the house at 6am and don’t return until 5pm), taking care of the kids, taking care of all the finances, etc…I have always felt I contributed 200% to the marriage and he only 10%. I have mentioned this to him –through-out the marriage – how unhappy I was, I didn’t feel loved nor appreciated. But, things remained the same. I thought a miracle would happen and things would get better. What has got me into such turmoil is that besides the affair, is that I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer June 2003 (I was only 34 years old). I had to go thru chemo most of that year and radiation beginning of this year. I felt he did little to take care of me during this time, he rarely comforted me, I actually, had to do the same tasks as usual with little assistance from him. So, when I found out about this affair, I call the “girlfriend” and spoke to her – to get the truth. He lied about everything. He said that he was trying to break it off with her but afraid she would come do something stupid and I would find out it (because she actually, snapped a picture of him once and would say she was talking to me to scare him). What so contradictory, is that I reviewed the cell phone bills and found he would call & talk to her almost daily 4-5+ times. But when he would call me during the day me it was dry and chore to make conversation. He says the affair didn’t mean anything, and that they began as friends and then it grew into them having a sexual thing. He told me that this had nothing to do with me, he wasn’t unhappy in the marriage. The ex- says that he told her he was unhappy – which he says is a lie. I have caught both telling lies so I don’t know what to believe. After, I found out about the affair – my husband said he needed to go to counseling to find out why he does what he does (he has cheated on me before the marriage, too). I am so hurt, even though it's been a year of HELL, it seems like yesterday. I find myself unable to move on. I had to go to counseling as well, I was put on Prozac and now Welbutrin. I attempted to commit suicide and the thought has sometimes crossed my mine to this day. I have to think of my children to get out of that mode of thinking. I have stopped counseling – it did not help. My husband also bought Dr. Phil’s book Relationship Rescue which was a hard read and I just didn’t seem to connect. My life has been turned upside down, I look at my husband and wonder who he is. I think the reason, I am so hurt is that I am shocked that he would do this to me and our family. I really thought he had integrity and honor . I thought he was someone different not like the other men we see on TV cheating. The only reason, I haven’t asked for a divorce is for the sake of our child – why should she suffered for stupid mistakes adults make. I wonder if I should just hold on until she gets out of high school. She loves her dad a lot and vice versa. The only reason I am alive today is because of her, she is my life saver. She is my only reason for living. This event has also made me question GOD, on why?
I have always directed my life to do the right things, volunteer, give to the needy, take care of my husband and my family, acknowledged friends b-days w/cards even when they didn’t remember mine. Now, I have very little faith. Constantly wondering why? This year, I did not volunteer or give to the needy, I have kept my distance from my friends and family. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I blame myself for the affair, I kept asking my husband what was it – it had to be something I wasn’t doing – but he keeps saying all his needs were met and it wasn’t me. He says it was his upbringing – father dying when he was 7yrs old and not having anyone teach him how to be a good man/husband maybe a factor. So, now I have tried to lose weight and modify my looks so I can be prettier, lose weight so I can be more attractive. By no means am I fat or unattractive. I just don’t understand, I have read the articles over and over, I now feel that he just doesn’t love me, he doesn’t have that connection that I have with him. Since I know he doesn’t love me my expectations aren’t high. I would never do what he has done to me. Cheating on him has crossed my mind during the relationship but only because my emotional needs weren’t being met, even now I think of cheating only out of anger and revenge but I haven’t done so – 2 wrongs don’t make it right. What also hurts the most was that when he finally, told me the truth about the exent of the relationship- He said he only listened to his ex’s problems and he did confide in her that I had cancer but they continued on seeing each other. What’s so damaging is that he was able to confide in her and not me. Give her support and not me, even when I was sick. I feel he was more there for her than me. I hate him, I haven’t worn my wedding ring since I found out nor have I said I love you. I need help on what to do with this pain and hurt I feel. I have tried discussing it with him but he wants me to not mention it anymore and after a year I should have gotten over it. I haven't gotten over it. Now I just tried to hide my hurt from him and try to get thru this. We also, had counseling with our pastor – still no help.

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: too-much ]</small>

toomuch...

welcome... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm just gonna ramble some things at you....

first I am sad to hear of your own sadness and your recent actions of isolating yourself at this time of year is not good for you....

so lets just say since you are the one posting here....that we can only deal and address things to you....and this in no way takes aways his onus of responsibility in his creation of the state of the marriage...AND his infidelity...

I don't think you should stay married to him not the way the things are right now...
but I do think that you should give yourself a time period in which you really try to work on some things....and then decide once you feel you have done what you can...whether or not you will walk away...

the good news is that you know (based on hearing things) and seeing call logs you KNOW that your husband is capable of being engaging and charming...

HIS CHOICE to not be that way with you at this time in the marraige is HIS choice alone....and soon he will either have to decide to plug in and be with you ...and be for you...
or you will be gone....

Your gifts of love given to him...are not tainted based on his own inability or refusal to accept him...that is his to own...

I have kept my distance from my friends and family.

this isn't going to work..this is the exact time frame when you need to gather close to you the support of those that love and care for you...not isolate yourself...and know the longer you stay isolated the harder it will be to re-connect...you gotta get this under control asap..

I am embarrassed and ashamed. I blame myself for the affair,

this also is something you must face head on..
there is NO shame on your end..
there is NO blame on your end for his actions of the affair....

somewhere inside you know this...you this because you are smart...smart enough to know that even inspite of what he has done...and inspite of the fact that you think of having an affair...YOU my friend are smart enough to understand that no matter what he has or hasn't done...you alone are still responsible for you....

God has not abandoned you...nor is he capable of forsaking you...
seek him out this week....

though it is tough to find a good counselor...what is the pattern with the ones that didn't work out..
why didn't they work out...

ark

I am glad you found your way here, but sorry for the reason you are here.

How is the cancer?

And I agree with ark, confide in close frineds and family, you have a great deal to deal with right now, your family and frineds can be a great source of support.

I also agree that your M is probably doomed, because he is not taking responsibility for the A (blaming it on his childhood as though he had no choice) and the A was so long term, and not his first A (probably not even his second), he is doomed to repeat this mistake over and over.

What you CAN do is learn to be the best wife you can be, and then get used to the idea of the M being over. It sounds like you have been fulfilling ALL his needs...now it's time to ask for what you want...another important part of being a good wife.

What are those things about yourself you want to change, that you feel are a weakness, time to change them now?

I'm very troubled at the idea of responding to someone's first post with any level of certainty that a marriage is without hope. It is completely contrary to MB or any other marriage advocacy organization.

There certainly are a whole lot of things that need to be addressed. And there is a fairly straightforward way of going about doing just that. They are steps that take time, and often, professional help. Once those steps are taken then the person has the information necessary to decide if s/he is willing to stay in the marriage. If s/he chooses to leave at that point we can support that choice wholeheartedly. But to assume there is no hope after reading one post? Very troubling indeed.

C

Sorry, just feeling a little cynical. Angry that the WH would continue an A while W is ill...

Yeah, I know. Me too. And angry at the ones who leave the home and play house with someone else while their wife is pregnant with a planned for baby, or the ones who run off with the first person who crosses their path after their spouse spent years putting them through school or, or, or....... there are so many horribly painful stories out there it's heartbreaking.

But if we are going to be here on the front lines greeting and supporting those who are just finding out or who are in crisis then we need to keep our focus on protecting and safeguarding the marriage. Yep - too-much's H's actions are ethically bankrupt - we would all agree. But the bigger picture tells us it's an addiction and a societal ill that needs to be addressed. We're lucky enough to have the info and the strategies to do just that. So instead of talking death of the marriage let's talk hard line actions.

Confront. Expose. Stop doormatitis. Set boundaries. Create Consequences. And then get into Plan B.

C

Thanks to all that replied. Thanks for taking your time to respond, knowing others have much worse situations. All are Much needed points of view. Hopefully, viewing my feelings in this forum will help.

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 09:58 AM: Message edited by: too-much ]</small>

toomuch...

what was wrong with the other counselors...

is there current contact...

ark

what was wrong with the other counselors...
is there current contact...

Ark,
No current counselors at this time. Initially, I was seeing a counselor to work on the pain, self-esteem, but she suggested that I go to marriage counselor w/ WH. WH began seeing a counselor to work on issues of why A happened etc... Then we bagan to see WH counselor together for marriage counseling. Counseling went like this - "W- so tell me what you feel", "H- tell me how you feel" - no suggestions, advice, from counselor -basically more of mediator. I guess my expectations were different - my H and I don't have issues with discussions(screaming and hollaring, cursing - rarely happens ) discussions are very civil. Frustrations on H part because I continue to want to discuss issue, want to know more, want to know why, more tears, wanting to find a miracle that will save us or is it even worth saving. Me just wanting answers.

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 08:51 AM: Message edited by: too-much ]</small>

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 08:52 AM: Message edited by: too-much ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
<strong> I am glad you found your way here, but sorry for the reason you are here.

How is the cancer?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am glad I have found my way here as well, found website - just by chance. I am hoping it will help. I am reviewing all articles and trying to apply concepts.
Cancer -I have another year of screening before Docs give me clean slate (remission).

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: too-much ]</small>