Hi everyone,

Today is the day. For those of you familiar with my situation, the weekend was very stressful. I ended up in the ER last night with a major panic/anxiey attack. The dr. gave me some ativan IV and that helped, and WH was extremely concerned and attentive (shocking). I also got a prescription for Ativan to bring home. I thing part of the attack was because I knew I was planning to go to Plan B today and it is scaring me to death. Even if it is the best thing, that break is hard. As I said, I see just enough of my real H under the WH veneer that it makes it hard to let go. Now I am ashamed that he witness the anxiety attack because it just makes me look more like the basketcase he believes I am.

Even worse, my 20 year old son dropped a bomb on me. When he saw me having the attack, he got very angry (this kid is usually so easy going it's amazing). He told me that he just wanted to kill WH and OW and then himself. That he had thought of it many times. Scared the heck out of me in more ways than one. I started crying and getting after him.--How do you deal with that one. One more reason to get OUT.

Anyway, my mom is coming to help me pack and get out of here. I look at my life and just want to cry or scream or something, but nothing helps. The extreme pain is still there. I know we all wonder how our lives came to this point. When we stood next to the person we married and recited vows, none of us had a clue we might go through this kind of pain. I didn't sign up for this--no one told me this part. Would it have changed anything? Probably not, because we all assume we are special and that won't happen to us.

Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you to all who have responded to my past posts.

susu,

I don't know you're story....but I send you strength and prayers....and yes indeed it sounds like time to separate from the chaos if your health and your son are at risk.

I urge you to use a coach or counselor during Plan B. I recommend SH, Jennifer and Penny Tupy over at symc.

SuSutimes2 -

I know this is tough. Two weeks ago today, I began Plan B. I had gotten on AD's one week prior per S. Harley's recommendation.

It has had it's moments, but I must say that Plan B has been a relief from the constant friction and emotional ups / downs with WW. Not to be construed as easy, but more like "peaceful" and "relief".

I, too, am a Christian and will pray for you.

Georgia

Hi Star*fish and Georgia Guy,

I posted my story earlier this weekend. If you want to read it, It is under the topic: Lurker coming out, help I was trying to put the link to it here but I have no idea how to do that. Sorry.

I'm hoping and praying that Plan B will give me and my children some peace. (and wake my WH up)

Thanks again.

Here you go susu..... Su Su's Story

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Thoughts and prayers are on there way!!!

Thank you so much star*fish. I just bumped my other post with a plea for someone to tell me how to add a link. You are so great. Thank you.

Let me tell you how to do it yourself for future reference. I think the easiest way is to just type [ U R L =(then cut and past the url here from the task bar...sample http://www.marriagebuilders.com/etc) ] Name of the Thread [ / URL ]

All done with no spaces....so it looks something like this [ URL =http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=reply;f=37;t=035132 ] Susu's Story [ /URL ]

Hey, Sux4, I grew up in MT. No better place in the world. Pssst, keep it a secret though, OK? Like the song says, call someplace paradise and kiss it goodbye.

I’d love to move back some day. Trust me, your children will love it there. DS12 can’t wait to go for visits and talks about living there some day.

MT is a big place so it sort of depends where you land, but I have family all over the state (including several lawyers). Please let me know if there is anything any of us can do for you when you get there.

I agree with the other posters who say you need to think mainly of your children now. I mean, DDay was in 02, for Pete’s sake. How long do you intend to enable WH, anyway? BP or not, he is cake eating. And he will continue to eat all the pastries he can find for as long as you allow it. He will gorge himself forever, really.

Perhaps you should think of yourself as in the BS fog. You seem to be afraid to give up your WH fixes like WH is afraid to do without OW. Stand up and take control. You will eventually feel better than you dreamed possible. But, make your Plan B very, very dark. Do it by the book. Let him twist in the breeze for as long as it takes. I predict you will realize you and your children’s’ lives are much better without him long before he figures his life out.

A little aside: I have a brother who is diagnosed BP but has little, if any, mania. Meds haven’t been too helpful for him either. But when the family told him he needed to fully participate in the IC help he was getting and get his act together or we were going to distance ourselves from him (and actually did - a tough love thing I guess) he started to improve. He even has a part time job now, wonder of wonders!

With prayers,
T

you wii be in my prayers & your ds will be a big part in them. time to forget about WH right now put your attn. on your son and his needs his hole world is falling apart now just like yours.YOU and DS need to be there 4 each other now and get WH out of your lives until he is not a thret to you and your S's well being. Deffently time for plan B. hope you fined peace of mind & joy & rember what christmas is realy about A WONDERFULL MANS BIRTHDAY!! and you are never alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

oops!!!!!!!!!

<small>[ December 20, 2004, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: jamieb706 ]</small>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Thos:
[qb] Hey, Sux4, I grew up in MT. No better place in the world. Pssst, keep it a secret though, OK? Like the song says, call someplace paradise and kiss it goodbye.

I’d love to move back some day. Trust me, your children will love it there. DS12 can’t wait to go for visits and talks about living there some day.

MT is a big place so it sort of depends where you land, but I have family all over the state (including several lawyers). Please let me know if there is anything any of us can do for you when you get there.


Hi Thos,

I grew up here in MT too, mostly around Billings. But right now I am in Kalispell with my brother. I love it here. My 12 year old actually lived here for the past school year and is already enrolled here for this year. We just arrived here this afternoon around 4 local time. I'm freezing my rear end off.

I saw WH last night before we left and I gave him my plan B letter. He didn't read it then, but he did hug my son, tell him he was very sorry about all that has happened between them and that he loves him as if he is his own son. My 20 year old son gave him an earful (nicely) of advice--very wise for a 20 year old. My son basically told my husband that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. Yeah, your grass may get some rough spots now and then but that doesn't mean you sell the house and move to one with a better yard. You take extra care of the spot. WH made several disparaging remarks regarding the OW and that he has tried numerous times to end it with her (I know he has written a couple of NC letters and even had the pastor of our church talk with OW) She continues to make herself visible and available. WH admits he needs to be stronger and make her stop but feels that she won't listen no matter what. This is extremely frustrating for me.

So anyway, I told him I was leaving for Montana. He hugged me very tightly, told me he loves me, then looked at me and said, "you've made a lot of sacrifices for me, it's time I made some for you...I'm going to move to Montana too. We'll try it for a year, if I don't like it then we'll figure out what to do, at least maybe I can get rid of OW that way."

I haven't seen the attitude my WH was exhibiting last night since before he began to be involved emotionally with OW. I don't want to read too much into it, but it is hard not to be hopeful. I told him the only way I want him back is if OW is completely out of the picture. He said he just wants his family back the way it used to be. He asked me if I really had given notice to move out of our apartment and I told him yes I had. So, he asked me if that meant if he gave his notice now too if he had to move by the 1st of January. I told him I didn't know, but he would have to find out. I also told him I thought that was too soon. So he decided to keep the apartment for another month. I am going to stay in Montana and get my children settled. My son is going to go back to CA and stay with WH and WH agreed to be fully accountable to him so I would know how he is doing. I'm not sure what to think of this. I told him I don't want him until he is finished with OW completely.

I was amused however, about the things he was pointing out about OW. I know they are things that bothered him about her before. He made the comment that he knows that even if he lived with her, it probably wouldn't last even two months because she is so self-centered. (It appalls hime that she is spending $12,000.00 for a tummy tuck and boob job) He also made remarks about how selfish she really is. Is the fog lifting? even temporarily. I hope so. I must say I really do hope he will end up in MT with us. I do still love him. But I told him I would not be in contact with him until OW is gone. My son will report to me. So will my other friends who live right by our apartment. I will be able to tell from his attitude also. I will not be so quick to let him back home this time.

My 5 year old is doing okay for now, mostly because she heard my WH say he was planning to move to MT as well. I hope he doesn't let her down. I didn't even tell my 12 year old. His credibility is nil with her, why crush if further if he doesn't follow through.

Does anyone have any opinions on this development?

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: SuSutimes2 ]</small>

Also, I stressed to him the necessity of IC for both of us. He didn't say no, but he didn't agree to it yet either. We'll see what happens. For now I will be freezing my hind parts off, I will register the 5 year old in school tomorrow so she can start after Christmas vacation.

My family is taking excellent care of me, being very supportive but not too critical of WH too. They are putting forth a good balance. I thank the Lord every day for them. Thank you for all your prayers, Georgia Guy, AmIenough, Jamie and all others. You are all in my prayers too. It is so important for all people to pray generally for the state of marriage these days. If you read any of the Christian news magazines such as the one put out by Focus on the Family, you can see the extent to which marriage and family is under attack. Take care everyone.

Have you posted your Plan B letter here for review?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> Have you posted your Plan B letter here for review? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Chris,

No, I haven't posted the letter. It is pretty basic and follows the example in SAA closely. I wrote: Dear WH,

This letter is very difficult for me to write. I love you very much, but it is becoming more and more painful to be here while you continue your relationship with OW. It is also very hard on the girls. To protect them and to avoid being around this pain, the girls and I will be going to MT.

I am sorry for anything and everything I have done to make you feel uncomfortable. It has never been my intention. I am also sorry for making it seem that you had to look outside our marriage for answers to your problems. I know I was emotional and difficult to talk to. I am working on getting my emotions under control and being a better listener. Our marriage is very important to me and it should be one that makes us both happy. You have told me you feel guilty and that it has gone too far to rebuild it. The foundation is good, the walls just need to be rebuilt--and they can be--even stronger and better than before. But none of this can happen as long as you continue to be in contact with OW in any way.

To avoid the pain that comes from speaking with you, (Friend) has agreed to get in touch with me if there is something you need. You are welcome to speak with the girls, but I am not sure how they will react. Last time we went through this it just upset them more, we will play it by ear.

WH, I love you very much and I want so much to be your best friend again and have you be mine. But as long as OW is in the picture, that can't happen.

I am also very concerned about your meds, please speak to your dr. and tell him the whole situation. He is not able to help you when he isn't aware of what is going on. Please do your best to get healthy, for your own sake.

Again, I love you and that has never changed, but I don't want any contact with you until you have completely ended your relationship with OW. When you have done that, then we can begin to discuss our future together. this would involve following the steps listed in the book we read together (SAA) It's not difficult, but it is something we must both be committed to for it to work. Counseling would also be very helpful to you and to me both.

I miss my husband and the girls miss their Baba. We would love to see him again soon.

Your loving wife,

Suzanne

This is not verbatim what I wrote because i already gave him the letter, but it is fairly close. It would have been a good idea to post it here BEFORE I gave it to him, duh. Sometimes,my head just doesn't compute things these days. Don't know why <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks to all who have responded.

I'm not Chris but I like the letter. Very good one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All the best.
L.

Thanks, Orchid,

It is getting late, but I am having a lot of trouble sleeping. I was on the road last night, drove straight through, now I am wound up but dead tired, physically and emotionally. WH did call my brother to make sure we made it here safely. I have to say that surprized me. Again, I am trying not to get too excited.

It is very hard for me to not talk to my husband. I have always been very honest with him, even when it hurts my position. But I am trying to focus on the big picture and praying hard that this Plan B works.

I have to say, I have read your posts on reverse babble and you are so great at it. I am not always good at using it, but sometimes after I have just read one of your posts, I am able to handle it better. It is so nice of you to reach out to other people and help them the way you do.

Take care,
Suzanne

Hi Suz,

Well it is getting late waaay out here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. LOL!!!

Glad you made it safely. It is amazing how the spouse can peek through the veil of the WS and periodically have a sane moment. That is what tends to throw off many BS.

You seem t/b doing good. Better than most for your timeframe. Quite proud of you for that reason.

Also know that down times could still be ahead for you but knowing this ahead of time will help when it hits. No rhyme or reason to when it hits, unfortunately.

Get some rest. Will check back on you later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

G'nite,
L.

Thank you Orchid,

I forgot you are in Hawaii (lucky <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) It's after 2 am here. I am going to try to get some sleep now. Thanks for the advice and good thoughts. Sometimes I feel so alone then I read this forum and realize how much pain there is everywhere. It's hard not to get depressed by it sometimes. Well, now I am getting morbid, time to get to sleep. Thanks again, and Aloha! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzanne

But I am trying to focus on the big picture and praying hard that this Plan B works.
Plan B cannot fail if you do it correctly.
Keep in mind that a successful Plan B does not necessarily mean reconciliation.
A successful Plan B can (and sometimes does) end in divorce.