Well, the thing is. Right now, I don't need or want her back. After everything she has done to me the past few months, she has brought out the worst in me. I think I want to move on, I think I look forward to moving on. A guy can only take so many lies before he gets sick of them. I have some information that she doesn't know I know and she still denies what is really going on. Maybe if she sat me down and said here is the deal. This is
everything from the start to the present... and spilled it all out, layed it all out on the table, maybe I could gain a little respect for her back and we could still work on our M, but I really don't see her doing something like that. She is stuck in the "it's not about him", "He's a platonic friend", "There is nothing going on" mode that for whatever reason she thinks I am going to believe what she tells me. Like I said, I am privy to a few things that she doesn't know I know, and they confirm that there is more going on than a "friendship", but she won't admit to it. I can't respect someone who will lie to my face over and over again. She has told me the past 4 months that she wants to save this marriage, she wants to keep this family together, but has done
nothing to show she means that.
I have said since DDay that she needs to get rid of OM. She knows this is essential to our reconciliation. She tells me she does, but the first time we have a hiccup in our recovery she runs to OM and confides in him. I can not and will not accept that.
I told her since DDay that I want no more secrets, no more lies (PORH), but I continue to catch her in lies and when confronted on them she continues to lie to cover it up. As my WW would say,
"what am I parked on dumb and sitting on stupid?"I have told her since DDay that I want her actions to refelct her words. If you tell me you have no secrets, don't have secrets. If you tell me you are done with OM, then be done with OM. It should not be too difficult to kick him to the curb if he is just a "friend". It is harder if you are emotionally attatched to him.
A couple of things I am talking about: Her cell phone stores the last 10 calls made and last 10 calls received. Every time I check her phone there is usually 5 or 6 received and 5 or 6 dialed calls. The only way they fall below 10 is when you first get the phone and haven't made/received 10 calls yet or they are manually deleted. She tells me that her phone screws up sometimes and deletes them on it's own somehow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
"What am I parked on dumb and sitting on stupid?" As a matter of fact her cell phone rang last night so I wondered if it was OM. It wasn't, it was her girlfriend, but I decided to check the recent call list. Guess what? 6 recieved calls with her girlfriend being #6. That means there were 5 calls she had deleted from the list. Why? I suspect they were calls to OM and she didn't want me to know. Now if I said something to her about that she would come up with some story about how her phone must have deleted them on its own again.
She, at one point, gave me her password to her email account so I could check it if I felt I wanted to. Well, a few weeks later for whatever reason she changed the password on me so I couldn't check. She wants me to trust her, but does stuff like this? Last night, we had a discussion and I brought this up. She ran over to the computer and logged on. I told her it didn't matter anymore. She wanted to show me what was in her email account. She quickly deleted a few things and then said it was just spam. I asked her why she did that, because it certainly looks like she was hiding something and she said it was just spam.
"What am I parked on dumb and sitting on stupid?" Well, that is not convincing if you ask me. The proper response would have been to not delete anything and let me see the spam as well as other emails.
Last week she went downstate to a conference. One night in question she told me she didn't know where she was going to stay. (How convienient) I asked her to call me when she knew. She said she planned on going to her mom's or her girlfriends. Well, she calls me after the conference and tells me she is on her way to eat at Ruby Tuesday with some friends who are staying at the hotel where the conference was at. She also tells me she is going to stay with them in their hotel room (how convienient). Now, she called me from her car on the way to the resteraunt. Supposedly she was going to eat with the gals she is going to be staying with at the hotel. It was obvious that no one was with her in the car. I could hear no other voices and when she arrived she told me she was at the restaraunt and I could hear the car being shut off. Still no other voices, or car doors being opened or shut.
"What am I parked on dumb and sitting on stupid?" Why wouldn't they all car pool? It would only make sense, especially since my WW drives a van and could fit everyone. Why? I suspect she may have stopped to eat with the gals, but she drove separatly because she had other plans, like spending the night with the OM. When I question this she gets upset. Well hello honey, you set the precident by not being trustworthy. I have told her I don't trust her and she does not take the proper steps to show she can be trustworthy. The following night she did go to her girlfriends house. I could hear the kids in the background and knew she was at her gf's. Well, she called me on her cell. We spoke and a while later I called her to talk some more, but I called the gf house. My WW got upset because I was "checking up on her". Checking to see if she really was at the gf's house. I told her I knew she was there because I could hear the gf's children in the background. I just called the house phone for a better connection. My thought was why wouldn't
she want to show she is trustworthy by calling me from the gf's home phone? If I were trying to prove I am trustworthy after making some past mistakes, I would go out of my way to ease my WW's mind by providing proof of where I was. I would call from the friends house voluntarily to show that's where I was, instead my WW gets upset that I am "checking up on her" when I wasn't even checking up on her that night. It was the night before that I have my suspicions, but have know idea about.
A few weeks ago I saw my WW was looking up Kama Sutra gift ideas online. Now, this is my WW who says she doesn't care if she ever has SF again. Just 6 hours prior to her looking this up online she called her attorney and started the process to have me removed from the house. I mentioned that I saw she was looking up sensual gifts, Kama Sutra online and she said "You don't know who that's for".
"What am I parked on dumb and sitting on stupid?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I know it's not for me that's for sure. And if it's not for me, then who could it possibly be for? I wonder, hmmmmm.....
These are just a few of the lies, deciets and disrespect she has shown me lately. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to go through my marriage having to check up on my WW all the time. I know she doesn't want me checking up on her all the time, and without her volunteering information it would take a lot longer for me to build trust in her again than it would if she were open and trying to show/prove she can be trusted.
RAG and
TMCM, I kind of went off on a tangent there, but the above items I listed are reasons that if my WW came to her senses and wanted to work on the M I am not sure I would want her back. Like I mentioned, I want to be able to trust the woman I am with, and my WW is not trustworthy, IMHO. I also realize that should I get involved with anyone, even if it were to "sew some wild oats" that there is the risk of it turning into something more serious. First of all, I have not gotten involved with anyone else. A little flirting with a cute waitress (who, I realize is working for tips). I have considered stopping in to see her this coming week, but don't know if I actually will. I may not have time with Christmas and all.
MIF?
<small>[ December 21, 2004, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: MIF? ]</small>
