I am new to this site and I need help. I have been married for 4 years. My husband and I had a whirlwind romance and were married just a few months later. I worked as a waitress in a nightclub trying to support myself, my daughter, my sister and her son when he and I met. I was sure that he was the one I had been waiting for. The time we spent together was amazing and I hoped it would last forever. I soon came to find that the old saying is true "If it seems to good to be true it probably is" don't get me wrong I love my husband very much. We have just had a really hard time getting it together and I wonder if it's worth fixing. First let me start by saing that I am by no means perfect and I have done my share of wrong. I just don't know how much more I can handle. This probably isn't making any sense to you so let me start at the begining. February 2001 we were married. April I found out that we were going to have a baby. Things were not going great you see there was this woman that my husband worked with and I really did not trust the girl. I felt like I had no right to be a hippocrate. He told me that the two of them were just friends and after all my best friend of twelve years is a man so I let it go time went on and I started to see the way she really pushed for his time I was pregnant we only had one car and when I went to the doctor she would go 30 min out of her way just to pick him up so I could have the car. People a his job were begining to talk about what was going on between the two of them and then around Valentines Day he asked me if it would be okay if he got her something. Well more time went on and her birthday rolled around and he told me that he wanted to get her something for her birthday and i really did not have a problem with that until he showed me what it was. An infinity necklace!!!! Was he crazy to think that I would ever allow this. After this I had enough I told him that I was threatened by this relationship he had with her and I wanted it to stop. He told me that he would cut off ties with her and I let it go at that until Fathers Day when I was in the car looking for a CD and found a picture of her stashed in a CD case. I couldn't belive what I was seeing and again I told him that I was tired of her being a thorn in our relationship and it was either her or me. More time goes on and his birthday is fast approching he called me on his birthday to tellme that the guys were taking him out to lunch I just knew that something was not right so I called his boss who informed me that he wasn't going anywhere for lunch and that my husband had went to lunch with her. Well soon after all of this I was in the hospital giving birth to our son and who shows up shortly after delivery but, her. Now finally a couple of years have passed since I have heard her name and I think I am in the clear that is until June 12 2004 I find out that not only had my worst fears come to life but that my worst fear was about to be topped. Not only did I find out that he had an ongoing affair with this woman for almost a year then he tells me that there is a child and he is 1 and a half. My whole world shattered and I left for a short time to get my head together. You see I told my self that if I went back that I would have to be willing to accept what had happened and the child that came from it all. Well I thought that I could deal with this and the longer I am in this situation and I have to look at her every weekend I am begining to think that I am just not strong enough to handle it. You see I have only known about this child for 6 months and any time I have any emotion other than happy he askes me "What now" like he doesn't know I have to be allowed to feel my emotions and he is determined not to let that happen. I just don't know what to do. I am living in my own version of hell and I just want out or a way to cope. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

How do you know the affair has ended?

What did your husband DO that made you feel it was safe enough for you to return to the marriage?

How much couples therapy have you had?

Pep

Hi Lias,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry that you are here due to Infidelity.

That is quite a story you have.I can understand how hard this is for you.It's bad enough when a spouse cheats on you but then to find out there is an other child(OC) is just even more devestating.

So,if I may ask a few more questions in addition to pep,is your WH paying any kind of support to this child? Is he still involved with the OW? What is the status? You said something about having to "look at her every weekend".Does your WH have custody with this child on these weekends? How old are you both?

O

Sorry for leaving that open let me close the gaps. I am 27. He is 32. My daughter is 10. Our son is 3 and his son is 2. I don't know if it has ended I want to belive that it has but he is starting to get more secretive latley. He never did anything to make me feel safe or that I had nothing to worry about. We have not had any counseling, she does not want support and as far as I know the only contact they have is on the phone to set up visits and when she comes to drop him off. My heart aches every time I have to look at her and I don't know how to handle this whole situation. I told him last night that I am having a really hard time with this right now and the only thing he does is get defensive saying there is nothing I can do I CAN'T keep apologizing for the same thing or What now . What am I supposed to do I love him but I think he feels his part is over now that he has apologized,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to belive that it has but he is starting to get more secretive latley.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be specific. Secretive in what way?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He never did anything to make me feel safe or that I had nothing to worry about.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then why did you return to a situation where you did not feel safe?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have not had any counseling</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not too late !!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she does not want support</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could this be one of the secretive areas? How close are you to the family finances?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and as far as I know the only contact they have is on the phone to set up visits and when she comes to drop him off.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is curious... was DNA ever done to prove paternity?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My heart aches every time I have to look at her and I don't know how to handle this whole situation.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you mean "handle"?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told him last night that I am having a really hard time with this right now and the only thing he does is get defensive saying there is nothing I can do I CAN'T keep apologizing for the same thing or What now .</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Dear husband, when I tell you my heart is in pain, another apology might help... and a warm hug too. I need your reassurance. Please make me feel safe with you."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What am I supposed to do I love him but I think he feels his part is over now that he has apologized</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You get yourself into counseling first. You have some work to do on your weak areas... which are failing to speak up for yourself, and volunteering to return into an unsafe marriage.

Pep

<small>[ December 20, 2004, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I know that it is wrong but sometimes I think I only came back to keep him away from her. I really do love him I just need to see that he is remorseful. I am very close to the finances seenings as how I am the only one working. He is in school and an intern for a local radio station. There has never been a DNA test this child looks like my sons twin and it's sad but I just can't get close to him. I know that it is not his fault but it just hurts to much. What do I mean by handle I guess I mean how do I keep my composure when all I want to do is kick her down a flight of stairs. How do I know when it is time to let go? He tells me he wants me to be there when they talk and then I catch him having conversations with her when I'm in the bathroom or not in the room with them.

Do you know what "POJA" is here on MB?

Policy of joint agreement

Have you read/studied the concepts on the website's homepage?

Have you and your H mutually and happily agreed with the arrangement to have OC (other child) as a part of your life, or was this something done without your permission?

Have you mutually happily agreed with your H that he speaks to OW and arranges the visitation?

This situation cries out for a mutually agreed arrangement. Something you and your h come up with together, as a team.

I suspect some of your anger is because you were left out of all the decision-making and this arrangement was just about shoved down your throat... and now you are gagging !

Pep

PEP, you are so right. You see we did start out with an agreement and slowly but surely he is renigging on everything we agreed apon. So I have tried. You see up until June when he told me about OC he had completly cut off communication with her when the OC was just 2 months old and I told him that he needed to make it right and he hasn't qiut since. I just want all of the Daddy loves you crap to stop. He shouldn't be here and no matter how big I try to be I can't pretend like everyone else does that this is okay. I just want to run away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I just need to see that he is remorseful.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry to say... this is a pretty dumb comment you made...

You cannot "see" remorse. Remorse is a state of his inner conscience. His insides are not visable.

What you need from him
---> respectful behavior
---> caring attitude
---> safety and protection from another inappropriate relationship (with OW or anyone else)

in other words.... no secrets

What affair recovery books have you read?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
PEP, you are so right. You see we did start out with an agreement and slowly but surely he is renigging on everything we agreed apon.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">be specific

what did you agree with to start?

Pep

<small>[ December 20, 2004, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I can see that you are not going to let me get away with half answers so here goes. When all of this came to light we sat down and agreed that there would be no communication between the two of them without me present so what does he do he waits until I go visit my mother then he calls her to make arrangements. We agreed on dates and times and now they are being changed weekly and nobody is including me in the loop. He acts like since I was in the bathroom that it was my job to make sure I was there to be included. I am especially tired of her walking around acting like she has done nothing wrong. She knew good and well that he was married and she won't tell her family that she had an affair with a married man and I don't feel like she should get that privilage. I just want to take out a full page add in the paper and tell the whole world what she is and what she has done to me and my family.

I can see that you are not going to let me get away with half answers so here goes. When all of this came to light we sat down and agreed that there would be no communication between the two of them without me present so what does he do he waits until I go visit my mother then he calls her to make arrangements. We agreed on dates and times and now they are being changed weekly and nobody is including me in the loop. He acts like since I was in the bathroom that it was my job to make sure I was there to be included. I am especially tired of her walking around acting like she has done nothing wrong. She knew good and well that he was married and she won't tell her family that she had an affair with a married man and I don't feel like she should get that privilage. I just want to take out a full page add in the paper and tell the whole world what she is and what she has done to me and my family.

I hate to sound completly stupid but where can I find Plan A and B I really need some help here I tried to figure it out6 myself and I am running right into a wall. But from what I have heard these are the steps to sanity and I could use alot of that right now.

Hey Pep,
No offense but I think you were a touch rough with...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just need to see that he is remorseful.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry to say... this is a pretty dumb comment you made...

You cannot "see" remorse. Remorse is a state of his inner conscience. His insides are not visable.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Most people speak of "seeing" emotions or states of mind. They are figures of speach. What they are in essence saying is that they see behavior that communicates these feelings.

"I see that he's angry. I see that he's remorseful."

I have a BS in Economics and I speak of "seeing" those things.

I'm surprised that you said this bc normally you give great advice and appear to be caring and empathetic. I guess I'll chalk it up to you having a bad day.

Lias has come here for help not a critique of her literary style. And the word dumb definitely doesn't belong here bc that's probably exactly how her H treets her which has filled her with resentment.


Mac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate to sound completly stupid but where can I find Plan A and B</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do not sound stupid, just not yet educated in certain areas of recovery.

Plan A and B are for ending the affair. If the affair has, in fact, ended.... you need different tools.

Go to the MB home page of this web site. And read EVERYTHING ... all the links. Scroll up from this page to the top... and just under the "MarriageBuilders" heading, there are links... click to "concepts" or "home" .... and come back when you're done. You will be asking different questions once you are better informed.

Good luck.

Pep

Mac first of all I would like to thank you for your understanding. In court we look for people to show signs of remorse why is any different for this situation? Pep I have read most of the articles on this site and I still am confused you see I read articles on what to do if your wife is pregnant by her lover and I am trying to figure out what to do about my husband, his lover and thier child. Any imput would be greatly appreciated.

Mac first of all I would like to thank you for your understanding. In court we look for people to show signs of remorse why is any different for this situation? Pep I have read most of the articles on this site and I still am confused you see I read articles on what to do if your wife is pregnant by her lover and I am trying to figure out what to do about my husband, his lover and thier child. Any imput would be greatly appreciated.

CWMAC ... You're correct. I apologize. You take over and follow through with advice/support/whatever is necessary..

Thanks

Pep

PEP,
I appreciated the questions you had for me you helped me dig alittle deeper. I hope you have not given up on me I am just truly hurt and have no idea where to begin.

No worries... let Mac take over from here... I have not been not very helpful for you. Sorry. Mac is probably better suited <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep