My H went to visit his dad this weekend, he had a free ticket which he offered to his dad first but wasn't up to travel. That part didn't bother me at all it was that he was going to play golf with the man who invited him to the whore house 7 months ago. (The night I became jaded)

Before he left we argued and I didn't want him to see that F. Please think of my feelings I cried. Can't I come first in your life? Can't you see that I'll be sick thinking of you and him laughing about the good time you had on your last golf trip, thinking of where you'll go out for lunch/drinks after your golf game? Can't you give me a full f-ing year before you create the same f-ing atmosphere?

He said that he can't understand who I've become...I'm not the same person he married (see above Jaded). Said it could have been worse. What if he had been seeing someone over and over? Worse I said? Worse than damaging our marriage for a cheap thrill? Worse than making me feel insignificant in your life? How could that be? Then he said with all sincerity that if a person does something so wrong and is completely sorry for it learned from his mistake and will NEVER do it again, it’s better than the person who goes and does it again and again.

Okay...good point. But how can I be sure?

Regards,

It seems that your husband really just doesn't get your pain, does he? Yes, he could have hurt you with a long term affair but he chose to cheat on you with someone he met at a whore house? Someone that probably wouldn't even recognize him again? Someone that could be infected with any number of diseases? He is living in a fantasy. What he did was just as bad, it really makes no difference. You are not battling his feelings for someone else but it is just as painful.

I wonder if he isn't making light of it because it makes it easier on his conscience. He can just say that it really wasn't a big deal and you shouldn't worry about it.

He should not see this friend or at least should explain to the friend that what they did was wrong regardless of whether or not they got caught. If things were reversed how comfortable would he be with you hanging out with a friend like that. I would bet money that he would be having a major fit. Am I right? He just want everything to go away and have everything go back to normal (typical WS).

Cathy

BP, you are absolutly right. H has NO clue how much he hurt me/us. He feels he has suffered enough with thinking he has some awful STD. After many many visits to about 4 different doctors he knows he doesn't have anything, so things should go back to before.


They can't; I'm different. I had to change...

But how do you heal?
there is no magic...you just have to walk through the pain, with someone or alone. I guess since I'm the only one who thinks it's a big deal...I'll walk alone.

I've asked him many times to put himself in my shoes....how would he feel if I did that while away with some girl friends and now I wanted to go with them again. he says he would be fine with it. (that's such BS) I don't think we would have gotten to that point anyway...he would have kick my sorry [censored] out! or at the very least gotten even.

I guess in our marriage. "Sorry, it was a mistake, I'll never do it again" works. But you can only say that once. I still have mine!

Re

Please don't do something to 'get even' while he is gone. That's not the answer, it will only lay a guilt on yourself that you don't want. I understand your feeling that way, been there myself, but it would be a huge mistake.

I do think this is a boundary issue, however, and that you need to stand your ground here. It doesn't matter if it's one year or ten years, I do not think his going on an out of town trip with this same friend is acceptable. Draw a line in the sand and stick to it, that's necessary for your own self esteem and sanity.