Please see end of thread for update


My story is here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=032049;p=1

I posted on the old thread but decided to paste it into a new thread.

I told him to leave Sat immediately after he denied he'd been with her Fri night.

Said no money for an apartment or even motel I said too bad so sad, go live with OW

Says he's sleeping in truck, too bad

Told him if he ended contact forever, committed 100%, radical honesty, and no lies and secrets - he can come home

me- can you cut her out of our lives?
him - I don't know

Me- are you in love with her
him - I don't think so

Me - so why can't you stop all this and completely end realationship with her
him - I don't know

Me- you can only come back if you do these things, have you made a decision
him - no
me - by not making a decision, you are making a decision

I called his boss and exposed
I sent emails to five of his guy friends at work and exposed affair (I suspect at least one knew)

haven't heard from his since exposure

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 08:02 AM: Message edited by: 1confusedBS ]</small>

AMAZING! I have been having the exact same conversation with my WH! My HW had been sleeping on somebody's couch. Now he has a nice, very clean (because nothing is in it) barren, very quiet and lonesome apartment.

Duh, stop seeing her, be accountable and you can come home.

So after all that forward momentum he went back to the mud?

Well I admire your tenacity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> In this short time you have made great progress on yourself so that no matter what place the WS is in, you can do what you need to do and move forward.

I apologize for not reading your posts sooner. I try to get to some newer posts but there are a lot. You though have proven strong on your own and shown by example, it is not impossible to deal with the A.

Now, how can we help you? My H pulled that 'I have no place to go' line on me many times. In fact he slept in his truck over 2 winters..... but our home was too good for a WS. After I learned and implemented plan B the first time, I kept it in my back pocket and used it as needed. It still is close by. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Now, how can we help you? My H pulled that 'I have no place to go' line on me many times. In fact he slept in his truck over 2 winters..... but our home was too good for a WS. After I learned and implemented plan B the first time, I kept it in my back pocket and used it as needed. It still is close by. [Big Grin]

Orchid - I have to say this made me laugh out loud. Thank you!

Confused - Yes please let us know how we can help. You have my utmost admiration this fine morning. LOVE strong people, especially stong women! But I am sorry that you are hurting, as I know you are. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thank you all for your support!

He woke me up pounding on the door this morning, wondering how I could do this to him (exposure) he said that he will never go back to his job, not even to quit - he is so humiliated.

He thinks I'm nuts for following the MB principles and said that I'm stupid thinking humiliation will fix our marriage.

I told him I didn't do it to humiliate him, but to end the lies, the sneaking, and their use of company resources to continue the affair.

He refuses to leave the house now. Says I must pay for what I have done. LOL isn't that something?

1CBS,

I would think it w/b more humiliating if he was caught with his pants down @ work!??!?! Give him that mental pix because the A was his choice. He chose to use his work as a place to enable the A. So why shouldn't the rest of the workplace know they were being used? Doesn't he want to know when someone is taking advantage of him?

Now that's reverse babble...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

ok, WS came home and freaked out because I exposed his workplace affair.

I called police (we were in plan B and he'd been gone 3 days). Police said nothing they can do this is his home too. blah blah

So, now he says I've humiliated him, he will have to quit his job, it's all my fault.

Now says he has to divorce me, because I've destroyed his career.

But....he won't leave. Still sleeping in our bed, eating food I fix, enjoying our home.

What do I do now?

Do you feel threatened for you and your family's safety? Is he threatening suicide or harm to you, family or property?

You can call your local suicide hotline or check with the woman's abuse shelter in your area. They will give you guidelines. Often what we think is trivial is really a big thing. The reason is that those agencies see this kind of thing escalate into domestic violence acts on a daily basis.

ex: I was trying to put H out of the house after contact with OW was confirmed. H didn't want to leave. This was not the first time (more like the 4th). I no longer choose to pack his things. His clothes (including suits) were thrown out the front door. I graciously packed his underware in a grocery bag....that time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WS freaked. Tried to stop me. I didn't resist as much as I could have. WS called 911 and told the dispatcher I was going crazy. Yet he couldn't tell the dispatcher what I was going crazy about. LOL!!! So while the phone was in his hand... I cried out.... stop pushing me (he was pushing me and I am 4'10, Ws is 5'7"). Then I said, 'ouch that hurts'. It did hurt but not much.... however my previous call to the abuse center said not to minimize the hurt. I was being truthful.

4 officer partol cars were immediately dispatched. The officers witnessed the WS pushing me back into the house. Not hard, no bruises but they arrested him for domestic violence. Ws had a angry reaction and was verbabbly (notice the spelling) to 2 officers. One of them came in and took my statement. I reported no bruises or injuries. They took him away anyway and gave him a 10 day RO. He spend 2 1/2 days in the local jail. Had spend his $$ money on personal supplies at the local jail commissary.

He was angry when released but calmed down when he later communicated with me. He tried to accuse me of getting him arrested but I didn't.

RE: he called 911. They came out. Can't help it if they saw HIM push me. Great timing. Also a very valid judgement call by the police. See this is why evem a BS needs to exercise caution.

What should you do? Talk to those agencies and see where your sitch falls. Even if you can't get him out, you can watch and report his actions.

One thing in your favor, the WS can't last unblemished. They will fall. It is just a matter of when. They can't perform as the H when their own WS charater fights to be recognized. When that happens, that's when you have them. Learn to recognize the WS', report what you can (be reasonable), keep a journal and most of all BE PATIENT.

take care,
L.

ok, situation still the same. He's here, just being generally hateful, doesn't speak to me, just dirty looks and stuff.

Doesn't seem to be going anywhere - wonder why he's not over with her? Maybe she's away for holidays?

I asked him if he wants divorce now - says he doesn't know what he's gonna do - I guess since he hasn't talked to her, he hasn't been told yet what the plan is??

meanwhile, he still thinks I've ruined his career, his life basically. he hasn't been fired, hasn't resigned yet - I haven't a clue what to do at this point.

1CBS,

What t/d? Right now, for you.... nothing.

Enjoy the weekend with your family. The WS will continue to spend time and energy on a definite maybe.... he will accuse you of stuff that haven't even happened yet (i.e. his firing, etc.).

Can't react to something that has not happened yet but you can be proactive as needed. Which you are doing.

So when the WS spews stupidity, douse it with water (aka: reverse babble) and dilute his babble.

He tells you that you ruined his life...ask him....isn't that what you wanted when you decided to have the A?

He will babble somemore, let him. Then give it back to him. You will get the hang of it.

Eventually he will stop. You will have overloaded his babble circuits.

Let him know his misery is his own doing. If he wants more misery, then just keep it up.

As for him wanting the D, don't pressure him too much..... he is undecided. Let him know you are getting closer to making a clear decision. Don't tell him what it is. Let him wonder. It does the body good when the brain starts to work. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The fog tends to clear when his gray cells starts moving around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If he says, he doesn't want t/b around you, tell him you agree, you don't want t/b around him either. Doesn't make sense but hey, a babble deserves a babble in return. If he says he is there only for the kids, tell him then be there for the kids 24/7 not split with OW time. He can't be there as he implies. Call him on it. Then walk away before he retorts. If you can't, then again give him his babble back.

L.

ok a few questions,

I am self employed, over the last 7-9 months my business has suffered, I'm making a fraction of what I was.

Husband says he will not/can not go back to his job since I exposed A at work.

We have bills to pay - he still is saying he doesn't know what he will do. I cannot pay our bills with the small amount I'm now making. He is laying around the house depressed.

I was three days into Plan B when he found out about exposure.

Should I ammend my divorce complaint or refile just to financially protect myself??

When he does resign, he'll lose all retirement (6 months away from being fully vested) we will probably have to get the house on the market, and start selling stuff to keep up with bills.

Gosh, this sucks. As far as Plan B - should I stick to that even though we are in the same house or go into Plan A again since I exposed?

bumping - can you plan B while under the same roof.

At this point, I'm losing all love I had left, I really really wish he'd go stay with her. I do. He's looking at relocating now, and I don't want to go with him.

I'm having my attorney ammend my divorce complaint to get him served before he leaves the state.

I feel for your situation. Since lies and deception didn't work, your H is now trying to bully and frighten you into backing off and letting him have both you and his OW.

He is being very emotionally abusive. Abuse is a deal-breaker in any relationship.

Normally you would want to get him out of the house and let him reap what he has sown, but if he won't budge, you may have to be the one to get out. I know that is not the standard advice -- I know it can be seen as abandonment -- but this man is cruelly abusing you and is threatening you on a daily basis. Nobody expects you to stay in that situation just because your WH has decided to sit in your house and bully you.

First and foremost, you -- and your children if you have them -- have to be protected. If WH is not going to protect you, and is going to bully and threaten instead, then you have to protect yourself. This may be one time when you need to pack up and go stay with a relative in order to be physically and emotionally safe.

As long as he is blaming YOU for the stupid stuff that HE freely chose to do, he is not safe to be around. Protect yourself. That is your first responsibility.
Mulan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> 1confusedBS: ok a few questions,

I am self employed, over the last 7-9 months my business has suffered, I'm making a fraction of what I was. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Your income is important. It still needs to happen regardless of what you are dealing with on a personal level. Work to get it back where it needs to be. Even if that means hiring someone to help. $$ or the lack thereof has no feelings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> 1confusedBS: Husband says he will not/can not go back to his job since I exposed A at work. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: That's his problem. Financially he is still obligated to pay his portion of the family's obligations. Mine told me the same. I told him, that's his problem to fix. Heck I told him the whole thing was his problem. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> 1confusedBS: We have bills to pay - he still is saying he doesn't know what he will do. I cannot pay our bills with the small amount I'm now making. He is laying around the house depressed. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Yep, well he'd better figure it out soon. Bill collectors are the next bunch that have no feelings. Tell him to get off his but or find another place t/b depressed. Let him know his doctor or IC or both can help.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> 1confusedBS: I was three days into Plan B when he found out about exposure.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: So? You can go back to plan B.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> 1confusedBS: Should I ammend my divorce complaint or refile just to financially protect myself?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Do what you need to protect your family's financial standing. This kind of question requires legal or financial counsel. We can't answer this one for you.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> 1confusedBS: When he does resign, he'll lose all retirement (6 months away from being fully vested) we will probably have to get the house on the market, and start selling stuff to keep up with bills.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Again, that's his problem. Is the A worth losing one's pension? See $$ has no feeling.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> 1confusedBS: Gosh, this sucks. As far as Plan B - should I stick to that even though we are in the same house or go into Plan A again since I exposed? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Yes it does stink. Have you done a worthy plan A? Do you feel you have made the changes that you can now implement a plan B?

Being in the same house is difficult. You can start by stop doing the things you normally do. Laundry, dinner, etc....this will make you seem unloving....but it is not as unloving as the A. Tell him so. If you haven't done a stellar plan A, then you may have some back tracking to do.

Plan B is better executed with him out of the house. If he gives you the 'where will I sleep' cry, give him some options. The couch should not be one of them. For some, sleeping in the truck or car has been their choice. Mine did for 2 winters off/on. See how stubborn they can be?

L.

ok, since my last post much has happened.

He was basically sitting around here, angry at me for exposure. He would leave in evenings for three or four hours then come back. I of course knew he was going to see her. I'd ask him if that was where he was going, he'd deny.

Last Friday he left, I went over to her place and his truck was there, I knocked on her door. she answered and he left and came home to talk.

He was bull****ting me with the "there isn't anything physical happening between us, we're just talking" crap, so I said I needed to go outside and smoke, took the phone w/me and called her, told her all the crap he is saying - she tells me nothing ever ended, it's been continuing all along. She told him around Thanksgiving she was tired of sitting at home and waiting and was going to see someone else, which explains his changes at that time.

so then he says he cares about both of us and cant choose. just cant.

she and I talked and ageed he cannot continue on with both of us. he MUST make a choice.

He then said he was leaving both of us. Drove two states away before coming back here and asked if he could come home.

now says he still doesnt know what he wants, is going back to job and going to start IC. I said he can stay here on sofa, IF he isn't seeing her. If he needs to continue contact, he must move out.

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: 1confusedBS ]</small>

so now I'm wondering, should I allow him to stay here, start IC and go back into plan A? or....tell him I don't believe for a minute he's done with contact w/her and make him find an apartment and go back to Plan B?

Part of me feels that if he leaves, it will make it harder for us to fix anything, should we decide that is what we want. I am not even sure now if I want to remain married, and he is still stuck in the "I don't know" stupidity.

The other part feels that by having him move out and living separate from me and kids might make him relize (for the first time) what he would lose and miss. I think it is difficult for him to imagine being apart from us in that way because during the whole time, he's been living here and pining and missing her.

HELP.....

He is confused and you are exhausted, right?

I think you need to ask him to go out and find your H. Go to plan B.

He needs to live out his consquences. He needs to stop being in denial. As long as you are both meeting his needs, he will see it as a sign of approval to stay in the A. This would make you an involuntary enabler of the A.

Let him know you love your H and not this character he has morphed into. Ask him to go find your H and bring him back. Then ask him to leave by a reasonable date. If he questions where will he go, tell him he has to figure that one out. You can't. Don't offer suggestions..... just send him out on his mission. Then give him your plan B letter with outlining your requirements for a reconciliation. Make it short and concise. Reassure him of your love for your H but not for the WS. Identify your boundaries in that letter.

ASk for help on writing the letter......MB has good support on this. JL, WAT, Peppperband, ChrisCA, John, etc..... are good at helping critique a good plan B letter.

take care,
L.

***so then he says he cares about both of us and cant choose. just cant.***

Translation: "I want both of you and I will do and say whatever I have to do and say to manipulate the two of you into going along with this."

***she and I talked and ageed he cannot continue on with both of us. he MUST make a choice.***

Why on earth does HE get to make the choice? He just told you he can't choose, and this is one time when you can believe him. (See translation above.)

Tell him this: "WH, I understand that you just cannot make this decision. But that's okay, because I can. I choose not to have a man in my life who is happy to ignore me for some other woman and who will fight me and bully me if I don't want to him to do this. I choose not to have a WH in my life -- only an H. Hope that helps. Have a nice day."

***He then said he was leaving both of us.***

Trying to frighten and bully both of you.

***Drove two states away before coming back here and asked if he could come home.***

Right out of the script.

***now says he still doesnt know what he wants,***

Translation: "I still want you both and I'm going to push you both just as far as I can to see how much each of you will tolerate. I will pressure and cajole and bully my way back to the arrangement that *I* want."

***is going back to job and going to start IC. I said he can stay here on sofa, IF he isn't seeing her. If he needs to continue contact, he must move out.***

Good luck -- you will probably need a PI to get the proof you need. As long as he is angry at you, you can be sure that nothing has changed. Plan A if you want while he is at home, but be very, very careful. Don't let him fool you, because he is going to try his best.
Mulan

ok, I told him tonight after he got home 2 hrs later than would be "Normal" that we needed to talk. he said, ok talk

I told him that after our last conversation, I thought it through and believed that due to his complete lack of commitment to me and our marriage we needed to live separately.

his response, ok I'll be out this weekend. and how fast can we get the divorce over with? You can have everything, I just want it done.

Is he bullying? or just really wants D?

Yep, he is bullying you.

Let him know the D w/b as fast as he chooses to do his part and then you think about yours. Don't let him think for 1 minute that he is getting out easy. Some say they will give everything but until they actually do, it is just fog babble.

Imagine how attractive he would look to an OW, penniless and needing assistance? Might be fun to play house for a while but when those monthly alimony and child support checks are sent out the door and she has to support him...well....the honeymoon of the A usually doesn't last long. LOL!!!

L.