I've been trying Plan A only for a couple of weeks but with a lot of resistance from my WS (He feels my affection is too late). Now he feels like there is "no spark" and our being together is not "natural" and "we just don't click". Has anyone gone through this? Is this the end? Will he get over it? He had said things are "finalized" in his mind and he doesn't know if he wants us to spend the time commitment to continue. I don't know how to respond to this.

Not only is this normal with fogged spouses...but it's expected. He will not allow you to fill needs much in Plan A....but please ignore the things he says right now about the ultimate future of your marriage. He will say cruel things, he will tell you the things you do are worthless and pointless. I know this hurts, but please don't buy into it. As long as he's involved with the OW...you'll likely hear more of it.

Have you exposed this affair? Who knows about it? Is the OW married? Have you spoken to her spouse if she is?

Concentrate on not lovebusting, and filling needs he WILL allow....what are his most important emotional needs?

Please don't be confused about what much of Plan A is really about - finding and fixing your contributions to the pre-A marital condition. This requires no cooperation from your WS whatsoever.

My canned Plan A explanation:

The way I understand Plan A, it's based on two premises that must be accepted for "garden variety" affairs:

1. The BS cannot end the affair.

2. The affair developed, to some extent great or small, due to a poor marital environment which the BS, to some extent great or small, contributed to.

If a BS cannot accept these two statements as givens, they will not be able to implement Plan A.

With these facts established, there is only one constructive thing a BS can do to influence the course of an affair: change the affair-friendly marital environment by eliminating the BS contributions to it.

To this end, the BS must perform an introspective search for all the things they were doing or not doing that contributed to the WS's decision to have an affair - and then eliminate those negative contributions. These may include failure to meet emotional needs or disbursing too many love busters - but is usually some combination of both.

This DOES NOT mean that the BS "caused" the affair. This DOES NOT mean that the BS can or should try to change failings of the WS.

It simply means that the BS needs to change and improve the only thing they have control over - themselves - to eliminate love busters and begin meeting as many emotional needs of the WS as they can.

Central in this is stopping all disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and demands. This is agonizingly difficult in the face of an affair. A BS has to counter the common knee jerk reactions of demanding the WS "straighten up" and delivering ultimatums and threats. Acting in this fashion simply reinforces the WS's rationalizations to conduct the affair in the first place - because the marriage "is over" or expendable and the spouse is unreasonable, therefore the affair is justifiable.

Invariably, this course leads BSs to feel like doormats and [censored] kissers. It also conjures up thoughts of enabling the affair by not resisting it. But the better logic to apply is that the BS isn't a doormat or enabling because they're doing the only things in their power to stop the affair - it's just counterintuitive to the initial reactions. This doesn't mean that boundaries shouldn't be set and protective measures shouldn't be taken.

Let me add that Plan A is all about the BS. You do not "Plan A" your WS. It is not intended to change ANYTHING but the BS.

I'll end this by offering that there is one additional thing a BS can do to alter the course of the affair - but I call it "destructive" rather than "constructive" (to separate it from the one and only constructive thing, discussed above). It's to expose the affair to the light of day. But this is NOT part of Plan A and deserves it's own discussion.

OK, one more thing. The affair is very, very likely to end DESPITE what the BS does or does not do. Until it ends, there is NO chance for reconciliation. Ideally, Plan A improvements can encourage the WS to end the affair sooner because the spouse's "causes" of it are eliminated. But regardless, following Plan A prepares the BS for a successful reconciliation whenever and for whatever reason the affair ends by jump starting the process - their share of pre-existing marital problems are already confronted.

I exposed the A to the OW's parents and their co-workers (WS and OW work together). OW is married but separated and I couldn't find her H's number (but I feel calling him will just ruin her changes of reconciliation with her H anyway.) His most important needs are admiration, affection, conversation and SF but right now he only allows me to fulfill SF (and very hesitantly I might add). Everything else he pushes me away and I just keep trying. He even refuses to kiss me. He says he is not in that place right now to affect my affection and I want to respect his wishes but still want to continue with Plan A.

I know they are still going to lunch and dinner sometimes. I know he even bought her a Christmas gift. I try not to bring that up though although it's hard b/c I wondering if he's accepting her advances and refusing mine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> Please don't be confused about what much of Plan A is really about - finding and fixing your contributions to the pre-A marital condition. This requires no cooperation from your WS whatsoever.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to say, this is one of the best explanations of Plan A I've read. To a great extent, Plan A'ing helps the BS heal from the A. I found myself just stepping back from the emotionalism atached to all that was going on in my M, and becoming more 'self' oriented. Not selfish, but more realizing that I coulnd't get from my H what I needed at this time, so I stopped LBing him about it. Just stepped back and chilled out. Didn't look for it from another, just became more self-contained. I don't know if I can describe it any better than that.

SF is not even in our vocabulary anymore, and neither of us push it. I couldn't imagine wanting to have SF with him. Could this desire return? I would assume it could. BUT SF doesn't happen when 2 people are angry with each other over a long period of time.

His A is over I beleive. It has been for some months now. He realized what a fool he was - his quote to me one morning: "There's no fool like an old fool!"

My problem is my feelings (of love) for him have died. I don't feel anything for him anymore (we are in the process of divorce). Our situation just went on for too long. We still live together in the same house until it is sold. But we simply feel no love for one another. That magical bond that was there for so long went up in smoke after 2 1/2 years of lies, arguments, cheating, betrayal. It's gone. That's the risk you run when you let your life get our of control. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

WAT is awesome with advice and explaining Plan A,

Once it sunk in it worked for me. WW is now on Day 30 of NC, Still working on Commitment for M.

But Plan A is for you, Once I stopped the ILY and a few other things like setting a boundry. Once I did this. The ww came around slowly but did come around.

I exposed to a select few and OM's work, This caused him to back down a little, His income is what keeps him and his elderly father in there home.

Good Luck and stick to Plan A and give what EN's you can and expect nothing back for a little while, My ww still is working on it but tells me that she likes hearing my compliments now, so you see it does work just takes time. Don't give up

Yes I agree the WAT guide was very helpful. It helps me to reread the posts every so often especially when I'm feeling down. I've been in Plan A for 2.5 weeks. It seems so long. Plan A is definitely having an effect on my WH. He can't understand why I'm so nice and loving him so much. He expected me to leave.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Acting in this fashion simply reinforces the WS's rationalizations to conduct the affair in the first place - because the marriage "is over" or expendable and the spouse is unreasonable, therefore the affair is justifiable. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WH said exactly that. He is having such a hard time b/c he thought our marriage was "finalized" and he had started building "strong bridges" with the OW. He told me that he cares for her but I believe he loves her and probably has told her so. He said that she has told him that she's falling in love with him. Anyway, because of Plan A, my WH is having a hard time continuing the affair. Only thing is he just can't understand why I love him so much and why I've made all the changes to be a better wife. Although he can't fully reciprocate my love and is standoffish at times and he even considered leaving form 2/3 months. I guess to get away from my attempts at loving him. The guilt is too great I guess. He is opening up to me and telling me that he is continuing dialog with the OW b/c she keeps asking him about where they stand and what's going to happen next.

I keep telling him that I have no demands from him and I just want to commit myself to him 100%. I do mention that his continued contact with the OW is hurtful to me but that I understand this is a transition period where contact will be ongoing. How long does a typical Plan A last?