Every year for my birthday or Christmas or what not, my H gives me a gift that he wants- but passes it off as a gift for me. For example, for my birthday a few years back H gave me Vikings flags for "my" car- which currently proudly decorate H's truck, another year I got the Blender that H wanted, things like that. Well yesterday the UPS guy came and droped off a box. H got all excited and said that one of MY christmas gifts had finially arrived and wanted me to open it. H was so excited he could hardly wait for me to get the tape off. When I got it open it was a modem and DSL for HIS computer. How was that for me? H said that I get to use it too. Do not get me wrong H always has another gift for me that is usually VERY romantic or well thought out.

I guess it would not be a big deal, however I really want to join a gym, and H says we do not have the money for it, yet he just signed up for DSL which is $30 a month- more then my gym membership- and he did not discuss it with me first.

I am just frustrated that he "gives" things to me when they really are for him, and nothing that i would want. Am I just being ungrateful?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Am I just being ungrateful? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No...

Thank him and give him a kiss... then tell him, " Thank you, this is a very nice gift... However, it is not exactly what I had in mind. I am going to return it, and get the exact thing I want. So, thank you."
*kiss*

then DO IT

Pep

So am I just playing into his game? Last night I told him that was something he should have disgussed with me first, and he acted all hurt and said- "well I thought you would be excited". That is the thing, he thinks because HE really wants it he thinks that I would too.

I know how you feel. When H started to do this to me I got smart and we both started to make wish lists for B-Days and anything else that required us to buy presents for each other. Hey it works for the kids why not us?

kmej

buy him a gym membership for you for x-mas

tell him it is so he will have the hard body wife all men want

so how did you do last night did you stick to your guns.

has he shown any progress

Dalson I love your thinking! evil and sneeky- but fair.

KMEJ - please read Thos's thread titled "Low Self Esteem - Not" on this page.

Your husband's gift-giving habits are just another example of a jaw-droppingly selfish WS. I don't even think he sees you as a person. You are just an extension of himself, and therefore he decides what you want and what you need and can't understand why that shouldn't work for you.

He makes choices based on what HE wants in all other aspects of your marriage, doesn't he? Why shouldn't he give you gifts that you HE wants and you don't? (Sounds like the definition of an A, doesn't it?)
Mulan

Even better - I would buy him a gym membership (just make sure that you can get it switched to your name, or that you don't have to put a name on the membership until it starts being used.) Then tell him that you figured he might need something to do while you're using your new DSL.

Then get on-line and stay there for a while! (Hopefully, you have only one computer.)

See how long it takes him to decide you should trade presents. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: penguin ]</small>

Mulan- true- never really viewed it that way. last night I was just really annoyed because I really want to join the Gym and H says we have no money presently- all the while knowing that he ordered DSL and did not discuss it with me. That is all either one of us needs is easier access to the computer (no offense) our kids and our house and ourselves could really benifet from that time more.

There is no way to take this gift back. What just urks me is about a month ago H wanted me to out the phone bill in both our names (in stead of just mine). Now I know why- with out his name on it he could not have gotten DSL. Not that he should not be on it, it is just he did not want to be on it before. Also I want H to have what he wants, but not at the expense of others. No I am not entitled to a gym membership- it is just his reason behind not letting me get one was because HE already spent the money with out talking to me first. Maybe next time I should do the same.

Dalson - last night I did good.

QUIT THINKING LIKE THAT!!!!
yes im yelling.
you are entitled to a gym membership.
you are entitled to whatever makes you happy.you need to cut out the line of thinking that you are not deserving. your h has you beat down so much that he has you actually believing this crap.

go to a mirror, look at yourself and tell me what you see.

i bet you dont see what is actually there, but what that pr!ck has driven into your head with all his mind games.

screw him, you are a beautiful person that shouldnt share oxygen with him.


sorry so blunt

What I meant by entitled by the Gym membership is that I should not just think that I should be able to do what I want when the money is not there. I was raised that you made decisions as a team.

Part of me really wants to go join the gym with out his consent, as I work too, and I should be able to do something that I enjoy too. However H pays the bills and I really have not clue what we have for money. I should probably look in to that.

Dalson- thanks for the kind harsh words.

yes a team
but you are not a team in his mind (no me in team)
if he can afford dsl then you should be ok with the costs of a gym.

what phone co do you use? if it SBC, then yes you can get out of the contract. i worked for sbc selling dsl for 3 years until january.
as long as you havnt registered (set up an e-mail) your acct then yes you can. another way you can get out is call and say your 12 year old ordered it. this happens all the time. but you need to do it asap.
stay strong

We have Qwest. I can not lie either, I try sometimes but feel to guilty. Thanks for the suggestions but that would anger H so much- not worth it to me.

i understand,

if your h is anything like my ww he will just find something else to get angry about.

Yeah he probably will. Usually does, just depends on how long it will take him to find a reason. He has been doing pretty good the last couple of days. Yesterday he unloaded the dishwasher and flipped the laundry, let me take a nap (I was up the whole night b4 with DS1- then went to work). Small steps, but it was nice because he did not point it out to me what he did, or expect anything in return.

Middle son has a Christmas program at his preschool today at 2:30, H was thinking of not coming as it might make him late for work. My thoughts is who cares if you are 10 minutes late, this is your son. So he is coming.

THAT IS GREAT!!!

but dont stop what your doing keep your boundries, dont react, SMILE. you might even praise him, a little. just to show that you notice.

remember fight fire with a smile not fire. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KMEJ, my H is also "challenged/disabled" in the area of gift-giving. It has taken me years to train him that it's actually important to remember me with a gift on special occasions such as birthday, V-Day, and Christmas. Once he got that concept down, we began lessons in NOT waiting until actual day (or Christmas Eve!) to do "our" shopping.

I hope no one blasts me for this, but I spoke up to him last night, in fact. I said, "I hope you got me a little something for Christmas this year." He answered, "I did."

Here's the brave part. I then said, "I hope this year you thought about me before buying a gift. I hope you considered something I might be wanting or something I might enjoy for Christmas, rather than just looking down the aisle at Walmart for something so you could say you got me something."

He got a really funny look ( not ha-ha funny)on his face.

I think he's got something to think about NOW.
lol
PM

Have you thought of making that your signature line? My sister signs everything **Smile-it makes people wonder what you are up to** and that is so her!!! My sister is such a strong person, does not let anything stand in the way of what she wants- to a fault! Her and I are such polar opposites it is scary. oh well.

So when he is mean I should just smile is that it? What about when he eggs me on, do you have a good PC answer?

I think I might have given you all the wrong idea. My H is GREAT at buying me gifts, I collect Snowbabies and he gets me one every year and when he is in the doghouse. THe thing is H uses my birthday and holidays as an excuse to get things that he wants that normally would not be purchased and playing them off as a gift for me, when in reality it is not for me, it is for him. That way he got to buy it without talking to me first, and I have to hold my tongue as to not hurt his feelings for his "gift". Get it?