papermom- Is H's heart in the right place or is he just self centered when it comes to gift giving?

I say that because I was/am a terrible gift giver, IMO. Actually, my WW points it out. I would rather someone treat me well and show me that they love me and know that I am loved rather than receive some material object that says ILY. Know what I mean. Therein lies my problem, I projected what I would like onto my WW. I realized this today, reading this thread. It's not just gifts, it's other things to. She likes gifts then that is the way I can show her I love her. That is her language. She's having a good Xmas, even with everything that has happened between us.

My heart was in the right place, just wasn't good at speaking her language. Does that apply to your H?

That is probably the same that is happening with my H. He truely does mean well- it just is not registaring with me. I see it as a way for him to get something that he wants under the pretense that it is for me- so not a gift for me at all. He proabably sees it as something that will make us both real happy. Who knows.

Thanks for the insight Bear!

No KMEJ, you took that the wrong way. I have never given a gift to my W or anyone else with the intent that I would be the one who benefited from it most.

No, I am sorry to say that your H is wrong in this. See, he double gifts. Gives you something you like, so you won't be mad, then slides in something for him to avoid having to consult your opinion on it. How can you be mad? It is a gift for you. See. I would have never even thought of this. What kind of person does do that?

You know what my mom and MIL both do? They fill their own needs on Xmas and Bdays and *treat* themselves to a gift. Not because their H's are oblivious, but so they get exactly what they want. Give the health club membership to yourself. How can H be mad? It is a gift.

THink I should? H sees it as a selfish way for me to spend money. Says we can not afford the monthly dues until after he gets his promotion- but then says it is a waste of money as I can exercise at home. I suppose the extra weight of a boy attached to each leg would provide a better workout <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I am putting serious thought into getting from Santa!

sorry had a dr appt my ad's were not right.
in answer to your what should you do when he is mean or when he eggs you on. remind him of your boundries and very politely say im a human being and you will not treat me like anything but, VERY POLITELY, and remove yourself from the situation, calmly walk away and do dishes or play with the kids, but dont show any emotion except happiness, not with him but with whatever else happens to be going on around you. this will show that his little hissy fits dont work .


as for egging you on, again dont get mad just remove yourself from the equation

it takes 2 to fight

Your family can't afford it, besides, you should just exercise at home. It is a waste of money.

I am not one to say what your relationship should be like. Lord only knows everyone tries to tell me and WW what we should and should not do. If you are happy with this, then that is great. If you are not, then work to change it. Earlier was an example of what others do. Of course my father and FIL get a kick out of it. They also get gifts from my mom and MIL that are clearly intended for the women. Same deal as your husband. Difference is their R are in a much different place than yours (and mine) is now.

Yeah I hear you. My mom buys herself gifts and gives them to herself from her Husband or the dog. It is rather cute and pathetic at the same time. If my own husband can not go out and buy me a gift for christmas I am not about to do it for him. Please. You are mar.ed to each other and that should just be a standard thing.

I am really not okay that we never seem to have money when it comes to the things that I want, but if he wants something the money magically appears.

my son hit the post button before I was done.

The thing is we have enough money to live comfortably and then some. The then some however goes to bowling, and card games, and cellphones, and now dsl- not to mention school activities and other stuff. I guess my frustration comes from wanting a piece of that pie, wanting an activity for me.

K,

The Harleys feel that we need to become EXPERT at meeting each other's emotional needs. Have you and your husband filled out the EN questionnaire?

It is so enlightening to do so...My h and I are past recovery, I don't know what you call it; but when we were in recovery the "becoming an expert" was actually fun.

I know exactly how you feel about the gym membership. We had the same situation. I'm happy to say that I'm beginning my 3rd year as a gym member and I'm so happy!! It's not my H's EN to be a gym member, and before we learned better, he tried to impose his ENs on me. Well it doesn't work that way.

So he has his exercise equipment right here at home and I go to the gym instead. We just have different ENs. Yours are just as important as his.

Prior to resolving this I was very resentful of the fact that he wouldn't support that gym EN.

My responsibility now is insuring that I go to the gym 12 times a month to make sure I get our money's worth. It's expensive here too. Over $70 per month for just me. But I FEEL and look great. It's been very worth it to me - and I'm more likely to be enthusiastic about meeting H's ENs since this one of mine is being fulfilled so nicely. See how it works!

That is the point. Who is the priority in the relationship? Whose needs come first? If you don't like it, talk to him about it. Don't fight, pout, whine, nag...just talk.

I have tried just talking to H. I have explained my reasons for wanting to join. H either says that it is "gay" or that it is a selfish way to spend money and that i can work out at home. H thinks that there is no return value out of my joining the gym, I have told him I disagree.

CSue- thanks for shareing your story with me. I agree with you, H is very content on running on the tredmill at home, where I like to put the kids in the daycare and get a more rounded workout. H thinks it is a waste of money and thinks I only want to join so I can meet someone else and then leave him. It is hard to explain to him well enough so he believes me that that is not the reason for my wanting to join.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> H thinks it is a waste of money and thinks I only want to join so I can meet someone else and then leave him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ya know, people like your WAYWARD husband think exactly like this. I am glad you are getting "support" for all of this here, but why do I get the feeling you are "suprised" yet again why your husband won't "relent" on this. I hope someday I can be in a relationship like yours where I work 2 jobs and have to beg and plead with my wife to "let" me join a gym. SSDD with you I see.

Goodluck yet again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> with all of this. I hoope your three tornadoes have a btter x-mas than last year. uyy Veee for you.

Lemon

uyy Veee for you--What is that?

Why do you spit such venom at me lately Lemon?

It is NOT SSDD with me. WIth some stuff yeah, but I am trying here to better myself and my situation. I can not help that the man I married is not like you.

My little men are doing good, very excited for Christmas. I just got home from Lucas' Christmas program. Nothing like a group of preschoolers all on IEP's for speech trying to sing Christmas songs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> IT was the cutest thing I have seen in a very long time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> uyy Veee for you--What is that?

Why do you spit such venom at me lately Lemon?

It is NOT SSDD with me. WIth some stuff yeah, but I am trying here to better myself and my situation. I can not help that the man I married is not like you.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uhh, KMEJ. First off, you know that I only have the utmost respct for you as a person. I guess I just grow very frustrated with hearing about your husband treating you and your feelings like dog $hit. That is my problem though, so keep posting for "support".

I say uyyy veee, because you are living a "groundhog day" kind of life with your WH. I don't think people like your WH really change without very serious committment and intense IC and a serious trajedy to kick that off. I guess my advice to you is accept your WH for who he is, and realize you can NEVER chnage him. He will continue to do these things to you and your pain and suffering will continue untill you stop accepting it from your WH. I am not saying anything to you that hasn't already been said, so whatevr I guess. I think it is great that you find suport here for living your life with your WH.

P.S. Sorry if my tone is venemous, I will soothe it up some. Sorry if it made you feel bad.

i think the statement he made about you looking for someone else is just another sign of his insecurities that are the root of his abuse.
he really needs to get some ic.
these insecurities are the cause of all your problems. it was also probably the reason he had the a.

Maybe that is true. Maybe he thinks I will find someone who treats me better then he does. Maybe he is scared because of his 3 other married friends, ALL of their wives cheated on them. Maybe maybe maybe

I am just tired of making excuses for him.

How about this KMEJ..

"My needs/wants/desires will become negotiable when yours do."

Then you join that gym..and you make sure to pay extra for childcare..'cause he'll keep you at home with the kiddies if he possibly can, and just turn off that guilt button that he likes to push so much.

VERY unMB advice..but I do not see how you have any alternatives. Leave him or shove back just as hard and EXPECT massive retaliation..which will probably lead to leaving him. Whatever it takes KMEJ. You are both just sitting on that fence..not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay. Force it one way or the other.

The money issue is a big smoke screen. It's a sham. He wants all expendable funds to go to his desires.

Noodle

Maybe that is true. Maybe he thinks I will find someone who treats me better then he does. Maybe he is scared because of his 3 other married friends, ALL of their wives cheated on them. Maybe maybe maybe

He has to keep you alienated...that's why the gym is a no no. He cannot control what people might interact with you...or you with them. ALSO, he runs the risk of you seeing that what he is doing to do is WRONG WRONG WRONG. He doesn't dare risk a rebellion.

ALL his friends' wives ...my [censored]...it's because HE had an affair. Don't let that even be an issue.

I am just tired of making excuses for him.

<heavy sigh> Alas, that is so not true...yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

KMEJ,

What MB principles have helped you? Which ones have you practiced?

I am afraid that you are looking for something that is simply not here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

JMHO
committed

P.S. I have used the phrase "SSDD" with you also. I tend to *feel* that it accurate. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

accurate or not. I am trying, and you all make fun of me. I do my best to follow what the Harleys have laid out. I mess up, I am human. I think I am doing what is right and then find out I messed up. Why is it as soon as something is posted by me I hear that I should not be here, that I am looking for something that can not be found here. What is it you feel I am looking for? I am not trying to start a fight here, I am just wondering.