it is control
as long as he can keep you away from people he is safe. in his mind you are dependent on him.


so how was last night?

AndrewA- I think you are correct in your thoughts.

Dalson- last night was fine, H worked like normal. I stayed up to late getting stuff done- so I am paying for it today with a killer headache.

My other job called, and they want me to work tonight and tomorrow morning- if I can find a babysitter.

is your h working tonight? why cant he watch the kids. i promise its not gay. mine are here with me at my office. and it is fun.

you are not the only parent.i think he was probably there during conception.

H will leave for work when I get home from work. He is a resturant manager- he can not take three little boys with him- good idea however. That is very sweet that you have yours with you.

Man does my head hurt today- world spinning- stomach flipping. I think one calls this a migrane- not sure however.

I am still working on the babysitter- no luck as of yet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> I think I might have given you all the wrong idea. My H is GREAT at buying me gifts, I collect Snowbabies and he gets me one every year and when he is in the doghouse. THe thing is H uses my birthday and holidays as an excuse to get things that he wants that normally would not be purchased and playing them off as a gift for me, when in reality it is not for me, it is for him. That way he got to buy it without talking to me first, and I have to hold my tongue as to not hurt his feelings for his "gift". Get it? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No he is not good at buying you gifts. Only good at buying you off enuf to keep you hanging on for more scraps.

He buys waht he wants for himself he could care less what you want. Maybe if start returning the gifts he gets or what YOU want or need. Hurt his feelings - poor selfish baby. What about your feelings?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been taking and following advise. As best I can. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then why are you still living with him taking his $#!^ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Why are you not protecting yourself and your children from his the world revolves around wonderul me! and to #3!! with anyone else.

It has been pointed out time and time again that MB principles o not work with abusers. They use it to keep you a doormat.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can not just up and leave. I see good in my H. However I do, do, do see what you are saying, that is why I am setting up boundaries, I am doing things to make me happy. I AM listening, does it not show? Is the only solution out there for me divorce? I am hopeing that by standing up for myself, and setting boundaries will help guide my Marriage (H) in the right direction. If it continues to be the SSDD then I do plan on getting out. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are only taking the scraps he is leaving you. You go for them everytime. Yes if you leave you may divorce. You may anyway, if you leave or not. He needs to get his act together before he an be a husband or a father.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want H to support me in my decision to join the gym. IF he does not support me he will make fun of it every chance he gets, and will say it is "gay" and make me feel bad if I chose to go to the gym instead of be home with him. I just want his support- that would help me stick with it, instead of making me feel guilty. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He already has you RIGHT where he wants you, and you CHOOSE to stay there.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not sure what the real draw back is ... for me joining the gym. ....it is a loss of control, ...he does not want to part with money unless it is to his own pleasure. I do know that I work hard and I should be able to spend some money on me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then do it. He has you working 2 jobs, while he waste money on gambling and "loaning" to friends. He has his recreation, and you swept under the rug to afraid to even lift a corner and peek out.

After my last long post, I don't really have much to add, except that I really am thinking of you and praying you have the strength to change your situation. Just remember, you ARE worth it and you DO have the right to enjoy some of the fruits of your labors too. And just because he thinks some things are not worth it, doesn't mean it's true.

And I especially feel for you if you have a migraine. I get them - though now that my stress level is down quite a bit, so is the frequency of the migraines. I can't function at all when I have them.

Take care of yourself - and have a very merry Christmas, no matter what!!!

kmeh
stay strong, hold your ground and quit taking his [censored].

go get yourself that membership, wrap it put it under the tree to you from kids.

and have a very merry x-mas
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and smile

Doing my best here. Will continue to do so. Thanks for all the continued support.

KMEJ,

Once again, I think the proper strategy is for you to call your husband's bluff.

He says money is the issue with you and the gym? Ok...take the issue away from him. How? By offsetting what the gym would cost with a cut someplace else.

My wife and I use this method of managing money and it works pretty well. When we want to buy something big or do somethign that will require monthly payments, we find a way to "pay" for it, so that our net is zero.

Here's an example: when I joined the gym last year, it cost us $30 a month. So..we downgraded our cable package. The result was a wash.

You could do something similar: tell H that you've found a way to save $50 a month out of the budget. Then, use that $50 to pay for your gym.

Presto! Money is no longer an issue...because the gym really isn't costing you anything, in relative terms! If he still balks...then you know that money was NEVER the real issue.

By the way...I know your concern is your kids. And that's great! But...are they going to be signficantly worse off if you spend $50 a month on yourself?

A happy mommy tends to make for happy kids, so no they would not be worse off. I have suggested making cuts in other areas- like taking caller ID and waiting off our phones, but that only saves about 15, and we do not have cable, H will not give up DSL, or cut down our cell package. I am not making excuses, or not trying to. I agree with you AndrewA- and H does not see himself as being unreasonable- the thing is it is not important in anyway to H- so to him this is irrelavant and a petty thing for me to continue to bring up. I am very tempted to go join. If I can find a babysitter for tonight I will go to work and then was thinking i would "pocket" the money I make until I have enough saved to pay for a few months of the membership. Might be sneaky- but extra shifts should mean extra money....Right?

KMEJ,

Don't worry about taking on extra shifts of finding "sneaky" ways to make extra money.

Your H knows the score...he's made his choice.

Join the gym. If that forces him to make hard financial choices, that's his problem.

After the way he has treated you, giving up some of his toys is the LEAST he can do.

Does he buy lunch, by the way?

One other thing: the REAL issue here is your self-esteem. Right now, H has nothing to fear because you are so beaten down that he can dump anything on you and he knows you will take it.

If you get to the gym, though...your self-esteem is going to increase and you'll take a lot less of his crap.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> A happy mommy tends to make for happy kids, so no they would not be worse off.

I will go to work and then was thinking i would "pocket" the money I make until I have enough saved to pay for a few months of the membership. Might be sneaky- but extra shifts should mean extra money....Right? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL....I must say that your posts remind me of a Ram butting his head up against a 10 foot concrete wall. I know that you truly mean well here KMEJ, but without offending you....I think you are in such a deep fog of your own. It is actually sad. PLease don't start the "pity me" party here with this. It is the truth and yes, the truth hurts. At this point, I am gonna bow out of this thread, as I can't in all good consciousness contribute to this thread without really lacing you here with a few king sized 2 x 4's, and I don't think your psyche can hadle it.

Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I still think you are an awesome woman who just doesn't "get it"....see the tagline.

((KMEJ))
I feel for you because I've been there, sort of. In some ways, your situation is like mine has been. I have a question for you. Who is taking care of KMEJ's self-esteem? He's not. Are you? I don't know your full situation, but are you ok???

I allowed myself to get to the point that I was/am not ok, but I'm taking it back.

What would happen if you said to him, "You know what? I work two jobs, etc. etc. and I'm going to do this gym thing."?

What would happen ??
PM

I do not think he would stand in my way, but anyother activity or purchase I would want to make he would say that because I joined the gym we can't. He would make me feel bad every chance that he got. i am thinking more and more that I should just join, it would be good for me. I plan on talking to H about it over Christmas break- which starts today at 2:30 for me and goes until January 3rd from my school job!! YEAH!!

KMEJ, I have a school job, too. Isn't the break a wonderful gift??? Enjoy!

Ok, I'm not saying this is a NICE thing to do, but here's a suggestion. Tally up all of his "ME" items (my H had a boat, a welding machine, etc. etc. to play with!), and tell him to keep counting yours. When your gym membership equals his "ME" items, you'll talk.

Until then, keep on sweatin', girl!
PM

Yeah the break is nice. I am going to work more at my fun job!! I am looking forward to it!!

I think I might just ask him that. Not to be mean, but to be fair.

KMEJ,

If I may ask..what is your second job?

You can ask but you can not make fun of me. It is a job that I get to interact with people, and be bubbly, and just have fun- and then leave behind when I punch out.

I am a server at TGI Fridays. I love it. If only I could find a career field that I enjoy as much as this I would do it. I do not know why I have so much fun at this job, but I am almost always excited to go. I really wish I could find a sitter for tonight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> You can ask but you can not make fun of me. It is a job that I get to interact with people, and be bubbly, and just have fun- and then leave behind when I punch out.

I am a server at TGI Fridays. I love it. If only I could find a career field that I enjoy as much as this I would do it. I do not know why I have so much fun at this job, but I am almost always excited to go. I really wish I could find a sitter for tonight. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would you try and qualify what you do? Do you know how many people would love it if they could find "any job" that they loved and gave them the enjoyment your seems to give you.

Please realize that your job does not DEFINE you. If delivering packages (ala Doug Heffernen from the CBS show King of Queens) or being a plumber is what made me happy, I would do it in a second. I was saddened to see your almost asahmedness at being a TGIF server? WHy???? I would be eating all of their mozarella sticks if I did that job... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lemon

KMEJ, I would babysit for you tonight if I could!! Have any friends who would trade babysitting time with you?
PM