Thanks Papermom- I tried to call in a favor, was told no. Oh well I will just not work tonight.

I am very sad, as H now insists that I quit that job, says when I work there my attitude towards him is impossible, and he blames the people I work with for the disrespectful way I am towards him. Apparently I act childish. Said that because I want to work tonight my demenior to him is changed, and how on earth are we (which is really how am I) going to get the house ready for his family to come over on Christmas day?

I am just happy at Fridays. I know it should not mean that much to me, but I do not want to quit- how can he ask me to do that? He said he will not force me, but that this is ruining our marriage. I disagree. I am actually crying right now- over a job.

KMEJ,

Ok, get ready, hold your ears......


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAHHAHAGHGHHGHGHAAAAHGHGHHAHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Ok, I feel a little better now.

I'm not mad at you - really I'm not. Maybe a little frustrated, but trying to have patience, because I do know it is next to impossible to see how much he is beating you down until you are READY to see it.

And I may make this my last post too, because telling you this stuff doesn't seem to be helping you much. And it won't until you're ready to really believe it and do something about it.

Can't you see what it going on here? In fact - are you sure your husband doesn't maybe read these boards? Because as soon as you started posting how happy your second job made you, you come back and say your H is saying you have to quit your job. It sounds to me like either he's reading these boards - or you've been saying at home how happy that job makes you (which isn't wrong, you SHOULD be able to say it makes you happy.)

Let me translate this for you. He said you have to quit because your attitude is awful, and he blames it on that job. The translation is that he is realizing that the job makes you happy, gives you something to look forward to, and could start giving you more independance by giving you more money since they are asking you to work extra shifts. This means a loss of control for him. He can't have that. Now way. So now there's all sorts of reasons why that job is bad, and you have to quit.

Not only that, but you might go and decide to work some extra hours to make some extra money to pay for that gym membership, and that would be BAD, because it's obvious with all the different excuses that it isn't the money, it's the freedom and independence it might give you that he fears. And yes, I said he FEARS. His fear of losing his control over you is what this is all about.

Hey wait - didn't you post on here that you were thinking of working extra hours to pay for that gym membership. Right before he said you had to quit the job? Hmmmmm..... when does a coincidence become not-so-coincidental anymore?

I'm going to say it one more time, and hope you really hear it this time. THIS IS ABUSE! It's emotional abuse, and though it may not leave physical signs, it can be as damaging.

Given this last one about the job, and the fact that you didn't get MAD MAD MAD about it, makes me think that we shouldn't be telling you to stand up for yourself anymore.....

We need to be telling you to get help. Get to a counselor, and tell them what's going on. I really think you need someone to show you this is really outrageous, and that it is abuse, and that you need to make it stop.

This is what abusers do. They isolate their victims. They control what their victims get to do. You can't join a gym, because you might meet..... gasp..... men! You have to quit your second job because THOSE PEOPLE are affecting your attitude; they are a "bad" influence, and he doesn't want you around them.

These are CLASSIC abuser tactics. This isn't even subtle anymore. I'm surprised he hasn't told you you shouldn't be posting on here - or has he? If he hasn't, it's either because he doesn't know you are posting here and hearing this kind of stuff from people, or because he is reading the boards and finds that getting this information is more useful to him than the boards are harmful to his control.

Please know - this isn't about yelling at you - I'm doing this because I hurt for you. This isn't right, and though you know it isn't, you aren't stopping it either. And I understand - none of it seems that bad to you, just that it hurts, but after all, it isn't like he's beating you or anything.... But that doesn't matter. It's abuse.

Please, please, please, think about this. He is isolating you. And it seems to be escalating.

I don't remember the URLs for the sites on emotional abuse. Anyone out there have those handy to post here? If so please do - KMEJ desperately needs to read them!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We need to be telling you to get help. Get to a counselor, and tell them what's going on. I really think you need someone to show you this is really outrageous, and that it is abuse, and that you need to make it stop. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been telling KMEJ this very thing. I have been encouraging her to seek help IRL. I did anger her with those suggestions though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am so afraid that she is using this forum in an attempt to call it "help". I am afraid that she sees this forum as the "help" that she needs...and that is all that she needs.

This is so far from the truth...this board cannot take the place of REAL help...in real life...with accountability to trained people.

It does seem terribly fishy that he is now telling her that she can no longer work at the other place...the place that she just stated she looked forward to going to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Control...Control...Control...that's ALL this is about.

committed

editing to add... there is some kind of "payout" for KMEJ or she wouldn't continue as she is. She needs to figure out what it is. It will take a therapist to help her with that...not some anonymous forum.

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

Yes, it is. Control - and he's using isolation, which is the main way abusers try to maintain control. I'm by no means a professional, and I think she really should get professional help at this point. But it seems so plain to me.

KMEJ, do me a favor. Please go take a look at this page:

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

All I'm asking is that you read it. Maybe some of it might sound familiar. Based on what you've written on here, I'd be very surprised if it didn't.

Please read it and at least think about this.

[B]Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Yes - it is either a good day, where H wants me around and is loving, or it is a day where nothing I do is right, he ignores me when I talk to him, or pretends I am not even in the room. Sometimes it fluctuates every few hours- very hard to live with. When it is good it is great- when it is bad it is heartbreaking.

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Not to avoid an arguement, but just because he will presue until I give in- but rejects me if I initiate it half the time. I do not expect him to want to have sex with me when ever I want- but to be turn down nicely would not be bad.

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

No- I chose to be here- I just sometimes feel it is not an option. so I guess that is a yes. I love H- or at least the idea of H. I know there is a good man with a big heart in there, because that is the man I married, now since the A he has gotten much worse, like I should be greatful that he is back- or that I owe him something. Basically I feel that H feels like I will never go anywhere, and he can treat me anyway he wishes.

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

When H is upset with me he will just grab a garbage bag and start pitching stuff, has never actually thrown it away, it is to prove a point, and all it does is inrage me.[B]

I did get angry that H wanted me to quit, but I had no reason for wanting to stay other then it makes me happy and I like it. H said that our marriage was being ruined- and I started to cry because he was asking me to chose, and it is not fair. I told him I would not quit, and nothing has been mentioned since. I am thinking he does not want me to work in a resturant because he manages one and sees all that goes on there, and there for assumes that I am partaking. I am not. I have just happened to make some friends and been enjoying my time there.

I am sorry so many of you are getting frustrated with me. I know that you care. I would be just as frustrated as you if I were reading this over and over again. I have a friend in the same situation and I can see what she needs to do, but refuses and I continually ask her why she stays she is beautiful, has no kids with this man, but she stays.

I am working on myself- I need to improve myself first.