Hi everyone,
I have been posting on recovery , but this is a little different subject, so I thought I would post here this time. FWS and I(BS) are working on recovery and are spending as much time together as possible. As you can imagine, we are a little more pre-occupied with our situation, than most M's that are healthy. Very few of our friends (in fact only one really) know about the A. That friend was a very good "shoulder" for FWS. In fact, he was almost addicted to our difficulties (at least 3 e-mails a day to each of us, wanting to know details and giving advice etc). He is a very loving friend, but, now is very angry at FWS for not spending the same amount of time with him as previous. He feels that my H was using him and now doesn't need him and consequently is ignoring him. They only e-mail every second day now! This friend was busy moving his mother to a home, and enlisted help of other friends, except my H. My H was hurt that he didn't ask, and the friend indicated that "true" friends don't need to ask for help - they look for ways to help one another. While that is true, my H's and my work schedules are almost opposite, so we need to spend as much time together as possible (still work out to only a few hours a week). Friend does not understand that - feels friends need should come first. Feels that spouses can always come up with time to spend together- after all they live in the same house. This coming from a man whose wife feels totally neglected I might add. I worry that my H, on top of all the other pressures he is experiencing (still in fog etc.) will let this eat at him until either he sacrifices our time to pacify friend, or, get sick (he had a heart related anxiety attack last year that kept him form work for 3 months). I also do not want them (H and friend) to resent me and our marriage for being the source of angst in their friendship. Should I talk to friend and fill him in on our continuing priorities, or let H deal with it (his normal route is avoidance)? Rev

I'm sure the friend does feel left out because you both spent so much time with him BUT he should be happy and UNDERSTAND that you are trying to work on your M. Is there a way that you can have the friend over for dinner to discuss things?

Your m comes first PERIOD, there are always two ways of looking at things, your H could've offered help when the friend was busy moving his mom or the friend could've asked for help. If he was busy enlisting the help of other friends does that mean he asked them for help? Why not ask your H instead of getting upset that h should just offer.

Sounds like a lot of nit pickin to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hm.... interesting probably very common issue. I have seen this problem with men before, in fact Xmber used to post here and want to help everyone else but his own W and family. :ekk: In fact he was quite abusive at tiems yet c/b showing caring qualities on board here as well as being obnixious. Well, here's my 2 cents. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The friend is going through a lot of stress dealing with his mom's sitch. In addition to this he may feel neglected of sorts at home and find it consoles him to be a like a KISA (knight in shining armor) of sorts. Kinda fills his need t/b wanted while neglecting his family. My H was the same way. The other MBer also had a sick mom and he would start projects on her home and not finish them for years. She almost lost her home partially as a result of his procrastination. Yet he would spend hours and hours on MB while neglecting even his business calls. I spoke to both he and his W.

This KISA syndrome is hard. Seems to others t/b a do good kinda guy but in reality it is enabling a CA and contributing to an abusive relationship.

My H while not like that MBer was in that catagory. Loved to help others. That help is what the OW used to further the A. Even had him clean her yard, garage and give her a new gate. She had the gall to tell me as much. I got to see her garbage (a few bags of her paperwork trash came home and guess what I found - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

As for your friend, he does appear t/b jealous but your H is just one of his symptoms. Maybe your H could share with both his W and him the book His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. W. Harley. For me that book helped me learn how to communicate with my H.

One of the things that got thrown against me in the A was that the WS felt I could handle everything by myself and didn't need his help. So he would make more trouble and give me more work t/d. YIKES!!! Unbeknown to me, that pattern took years to uncover....then the A hit and when I started posting here, read that book it all made sense. I worked on our communication skills and for us realized if I wanted more out of our M, I needed t/d less. See I am a major giver and H was a major taker. Now the tables are balancing out better.

So the book Giver/Taker by Dr W. Harley w/b good for her to read also.

I suspect your friend is a conflict avoider at his home. Has to get reassurance from everyone else but rejects it from his W and maybe his family.

JMHO,
L.