Here’s my story.
My wife and I have been together 28 years, married for 20 with two beautiful children.
We never fought in 28 years, not even once. I never understood why until recently, my
wife is a “Conflict Avoider†at any cost.
Over 3 months ago my wife told me she was in an EA. She told me she had been looking
around at different men for about 8 months because she didn’t love me anymore and
wanted out of the marriage. She fell in love with this OM (most likely work related) and
she wanted to have sex with him. My wife said the OM didn’t know her true feelings
because she had never expressed her true feelings to him. She said he liked her and she
liked him (he’s the nicest guy in the world) and if the OM knew she was Divorced then he
would ask her out and they would then be a couple. She even told me he is not half as
handsome as me and he is chubby, ticked me off even more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Who knows what the hell the real truth is.
Since then many things have happened. Several fights, LB’s on both sides, etc... She told
me every single one of my faults going back to 1977. First she said she quit loving me 1
year ago, then 3 years ago, then 10 years, then 15, then she never loved me and wondered
why she even married me. Then she said our personalities don’t match. Tons and Tons of
FOG talk.
Our first MC told us we should get a divorce within 25 minutes of the only meeting we
ever had. The MC said your wife is NOT in love with you and she refuses to go through
counseling so I recommend you get a divorce. The next day my wife spoke to Steve
Harley, she liked SH a lot better. Steve explained to her about “Conditional Love vs
Unconditional Love.†He also talked about how people “Fall in love and out of love.â€
My wife seemed like she bought into it. She has not talked to SH since, wants to wait
until after the holidays before any more talks about our marriage and her affair. I agreed, I
didn’t want to spoil what may possibly be the last holidays with her and our children as a
family. We have NOT said one word in 3 weeks about our relationship or her EA.
SH said I can’t Expose her because I have no proof she is in an actual EA and doing so
could be disastrous. She is suffering all the symptoms of being in an affair, SH said
Fantasy Affairs can be just as addictive as a real EA.
SH said I need to work on myself very hard, do Plan A and provide her with a Safety
Zone to talk.
However she still remained very depressed, crying, looking like hell, scared, alone,
confused, etc... She withdrew from me and is now at least talking, but very little. About
3 weeks ago she told me “I guess I have NO choice but to stay in this marriage because
you’ll never let me go.†I told her I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in a “loveless
marriage,†either which I refuse to.
She lets me give her rubdowns nightly (although we sleep in separate rooms). No sex
since last July, no cuddling, kissing, nothing. I hug her several times a day but she just
stands there lifeless. We talk a little during the day but not more than 5-10 minutes. We
eat dinner together with the kids every night. The children have NO idea what is
happening and they will be devastated if we divorce, my kids think I’m the best dad in the
world (my wife agrees), just a terrible husband.
Then 2 weeks ago she called me from her cell phone crying uncontrollably. She said she
was Sorry for all the mean things she had said to me over the last 3 months and didn’t
know why she said them. She also said “How could you ever Trust me again after what I
did to you?â€
Since then she has said very little but she still seems ticked off, withdrawn, etc... At first
she told me I couldn’t spend Xmas with her family, now she said I could.
My psychologist said my wife is most likely going through a mid-life crisis (46 next
month) and she is reevaluating everything including her marriage. In addition she is most
likely Pre-Menopause and this is effecting her judgement also.
When my wife comes home at 5:00 every night she is very happy playing with the
children, the minute I enter the room her attitude completely changes to stone faced.
Here are my questions. Who am I to say she doesn’t love me? I asked this to SH and he said “Who would your
wife be better off with, you or OM?†I said obviously me but I’m biased.
What if she really is better off with this OM or someone else other than me?
How will I really know if we are Happy and in Love if we stay together? Both of us will
be 46 next month and 50 is just around the corner. I don’t want to spend another day
working on this marriage if there truly is NO chance. I would rather both of us move on
and find new spouses.
I don’t want to pressure her into more counseling with SH if she is just doing it to shut me
up (remember she is a Conflict Avoider).
I’m so confused. I want to stay in this marriage and both of us love each other with
passion but I’m not sure I can see that happening.
On the other hand I want to let her go and both of us be happy with someone else.
Please help, these holidays have me so confused.
Thanks
Andrew
