</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>...That is the one thing I am afraid of for myself, is how I will recover as far as setting up house, job, etc...You sound so happy now! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My dear friend,
First things first: Happy Holidays and Happy New Year 2005 to you and yours. You know, this is going to be the year that you blossom like the beautiful flower that you are. This time next year, you will be looking back at how you have grown and almost be wondering if you are the same woman.
Now, onto the important stuff. You wrote that you were afraid--for yourself and your children--and kind of wondering how you were going to recover as far as setting up house, job, etc. May I tell you what happened to me?
Like you, when my exH first left, I was afraid. I'm not really this brave, strong, unshakeable woman--I only look that way on T.V.! heehee. Anyway, the ex was gone and we were done, and I basically had no way to take care of myself. We had been in business together, and when he walked away from me, he walked away from the business too (and then later claimed that I "ran the business into the ground"!!!). Anyway, for a little while at first, I really did panic...but in a day or so I settled down and got down to the business of surviving.
There I was, left to support two kids while my ex was the one who made most of the family's money and had the high-paying job and degree! I tried to run the business as long as I could, but without his computer expertise, there were issues that were beyond me and it was fairly slow. So, I tried to prioritize: MUST HAVE food and shelter, NEEDED clothes and supplies, etc. So, I swallowed my pride and asked for foodstamps, asked for Low-Income Energy Assistance, and applied for jobs. I borrowed from my family a little for a while. And eventually I got SOME foodstamps, got involved in a program that provides basic groceries for less, got a one-time assistance on my energy bill and phone bill, and got county assistance with training upgrades for a job.
(BTW, many STBX's at this point my contribute to the well-being of their children--sort of like CS--but mine didn't. He said, in front of the kids, "I will never pay anything for those kids until a judge forces me to." So not only did he not help his own children, there was no way he was going to pay alimony or house-payment, etc.)
Shortly after that, I got a job as a bookkeeper, but even with that steady job I still couldn't afford the house by myself. We had a 3,000 sqft. house, in the ritzy part of town with a pool and la ti da! The mortgage was OUTRAGEOUS but that was what the ex wanted, so he bought it and then dumped it on me!
Anyway, I was afraid to move too, because I just couldn't envision/imagine living in another house. Well, lo and behold, I did a budget on my little bookkeeper salary, and I began to see that I just could not keep the house on what I earned--yet if we sold it and split it, I had some good equity.
About that time, our divorce was pretty much finalized, so we agreed in the decree to sell the house, split the proceeds 60/40, and move by summer...so I started getting used to the idea of moving. Parts of me were really sad, but other parts were afraid, and still other parts were apprehensive. I didn't know WHAT to think!
I decided that my kids were not toddlers anymore, and they should have the right to have a voice in their home and where we moved. We talked about the kinds of things we wanted in our new place...we talked about where we would like to be...we talked about practical stuff like how many bedrooms?--ranch or 2-story?--price range? THEN, the three of us went looking! We all went to tour potential homes, and we all got to vote (and my vote did not over-rule theirs).
At the time of the move, I was still not really in full-bloom happiness, but my kids suggested that we dedicate our home, and in the dedication say that this was a home of respect and peace--only respect and peace were allowed in this house. WOW!! Good Stuff!!! (I'm proud of them, can't ya tell?)
So far, I had survived, and then taken care of business, and then even moved on to my own place. I was starting to blossom.
MovingForward4Me, I believe that human beings have several areas in their life--spiritual, mental/emotional, and physical--and all these areas need to be in balance. So the next thing I did was to begin to work on that...sorta work on my own journey vs. the "I was his wife" journey. My physical life had the basics covered and I was in good health, but I needed to lose some weight. My spiritual life had been non-existent on the outside because my ex used to taunt me about it...but on the inside, I had a strong spiritual side and spiritual life. My mental/emotional life was...well let me say it: A MESS!! So I began there.
I attended counseling, and had my children do the same. We did not do TOO MUCH family counseling, mostly individual, 'cuz we were able to talk as a family okay. I also began to attend a regular S-Anon group, and if you don't know what that is, S-Anon is for the spouses of those who are sexual addicts. BOY!!! WAS THAT EYE-OPENNING!! Up until then, I did not realize how addicted I was to my ex, how addicted I was to that unhealthy cycle, or how much I contributed by trying to "make" him do it my way. S-Anon helped me A LOT, as I began to see my own enabling behavior, my own emotional entanglement with an unhealthy individual and lifestyle, and my own unhealthy attitudes toward sex and intimacy. (FYI, for Step One, there's a 100 Question workbook that is jaw-droppingly AWESOME!) Finally, I also attended a support group for ladies who had been abused by their spouse. Now, some of the abusers had been arrested--some had police contact but no arrest--and some were referred by other counselors, etc. But I liked that group (still go, BTW) because a) it was ladies and I felt safe that I would not become attracted to another guy who would abuse me (heehee), and b) THEY UNDERSTOOD. Without having to explain what it felt like or where my head was at, they understood. It was like being with a guy who had been through the war with you.
Okay...mental/emotional life started to get MUCH better. Kids were doing better. Our home felt safe...good...unharmful...relatively peaceful.
Next, I started working on my spiritual life. Hey, guess what? It was always there, just not expressed very much! Anyway, I began going to worship services again--got back in touch with some of my old friends from our old temple--met some new friends who were new members at our old temple--read and read and read spiritual books voraciously--and PRAYED.
MovingForward4Me, can you see where this is going? I didn't just feel "happy" overnight. I kept making purposeful steps toward repairing the damage that had been done to me, and one day I realized (with some considerable surprise, I might add)
"HEY! I'm happy!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
We had lived at our home for about three months before I realized I could paint or decorate in whatever way I wanted...using whatever COLORS *I* liked...using whatever STYLES *I* liked...and no one would ridicule me or make me be beige! Can you imagine how FREEING that was?? It was SO EXCITING!! It was then that I realized, "I may have lost my marriage, but I have gained my ability to be myself back" and it was probably the biggest growth moment of my life. Okay...well it was at least a biggie!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
So, MovingForward4Me, do not be afraid. It will not be instantaneous or without difficulties, but THIS is the year that you get to become the beautiful--inside and out--woman that you are! That light that is in you finally gets to come out and we will APPRECIATE it rather than put you down for having it! This is it! Move ahead!!
CJ
