I've told WH it can go in 3 directions.

1) He has NC with OW and is accountable for everything that I need to build trust. When that happens, we can see what happens with our marriage. Right now, he believes offering this stuff up freely is a violation of his privacy.

2) Because he won't be open and honest, I continue my factfinding expeditions. In the absence of other information, I will assume that he remains in contact. It will make me angry and I will continue to search for the truth. This makes him mad because he thinks it's prying. It makes me mad because it makes me into a person I don't want to to be.

3) I decide to withdraw my affections and concern completely. I realize that he is the lying sack of refuse that he continues acting like. The relationship cannot continue.

That cover it?

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 07:33 PM: Message edited by: HurtingCarol ]</small>

It may be the teacher in me, but I love a well-written multiple choice test. Can I borrow this one?

Certainly. Anything to be of service.

If you truly want your marriage to recover, why don't you use the MB System of first doing PLAN A?

In choosing to do it the way that you are presenting it here, your marriage may not recover as the other poster indicated. You may lose your love for your WH because of how badly he will treat you.

When your WH is in the fog of an A, he cannot be presented with ultimatums that he will listen to.
He is addicted to the OW and will do whateve he can to be with her. It is not based on logic.

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 08:38 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Couple things caught my eye here:

WH says he's just about ended it with OW.

As others have said--this is complete hogwash! Mine said that and said that and each time I'd remind him that he said it, he'd get angry and tell me to back off. They are now living together, we are DV, and I believe he is getting her a ring for Christmas.

This is NOT to say you will end up DV! It's only saying--DO NOT BELIEVE THIS STATEMENT FOR A MINUTE!!

Second, about this business of spending a few hours with you on Christmas but then leaving to go on his own way. (Or did I misunderstand something?)

Last Christmas my XH was about 3 months into his affair. We were still "technically" living together, except that he was gone most every night until midnight, and he conveniently "fell asleep" at the friend's house where OW was living each weekend night.

Christmas Eve and Christmas consisted of my doing the celebrations like I always had, taking pictures as if everything were normal, trying to do my best for the kids, and him being around for a few hours the first night and about half a day on Christmas. Then he split to be with the OW.

It was one of the most painful memories I have. I won't look at last year's photos yet.

This year, he is nowhere in the picture. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. I do, no matter what he's done. But going into this holiday alone--with just the kids, is so much easier to deal with than trying to fake a holiday, knowing he was going to leave and end up with OW!!!

Just be careful. No matter what happens, it will be painful to some extent. But you can limit that pain by limiting what you allow him to get away with. (I am a very slow learner in this area, but I'm starting to get it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

LL

You're right Lordslady, I don't believe the man for a moment. I think this is going to be a very hard Christmas. I am determined to smile and not LB my way through it. It's something my kids wanted. And my inlaws refused to come unless there was some resolution with WH. They think their prayers have been answered. It really isn't as simple as that.


Mimi: I don't know exactly what plan I'm in. I'm Plan A-ing away in some respects. I'm being nice, cooking dinner, cleaning the house and doing the whole Christmas thing. Since he has never completed the EN questionaire, I can only guess at how I can fulfill his EN. On the other hand, he's in his apartment. There is still contact with OW. The fog is deep. I don't contact him. He couldn't be bothered to call his children at all yesterday. Sounds like a Plan B. He also seems to want to keep our MC appointments. Is this Plan A/B.5? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Carole:

I think you are asking a good question. Sounds like you will need to eventually move to PLAN B. I know, hard to imagine over the holidays. However, first, there needs to be an EFFECTIVE PLAN A. READ WAT's GUIDELINES. He coached me here on the forum.

IMO, you can figure out what ENs she is meeting on your own without him filling out the EN questionnaire. It takes looking at yourself and your situations honestly and doing alot of soul searching.

You know my concerns about the counselor and counseling that you are getting. I can understand your need for a supportive outsider. However, I think your WH is playing games with you and the counselor... MHO....

I am a strong believer in the MB process because it worked for me. I tried to follow it as RELIGIOUSLY (for want of a better word) as possible.