If you sent a letter to the OW that nearly wrecked your marriage, what would you say?

I have no intention of sending a letter to OW, but I would be very interested in what the various members on this board would say to an OW/OM - in other words - what would the content of that letter say.

enid - If the affair is over and NC established, you will likely hear from folks here that sending such a letter is ill advised. NC is no contact - and it goes for the recovering BS as well. You shouldn't waste your time on the OP.

On the other hand, if an affair is still ongoing, many will advise - myself included - that some communication to the OP is a good idea to communicate to the OP that the WS is married, has children, is not getting divorced, etc., etc., etc. - pertinent information to counter the WS's lies to the OP. Just the facts, Ma'm. Going off on a diatribe about how evil the OP is and how the BS is getting hurt, etc., shouldn't be part of this, IMHO. That would only give the OP power.

Hope this helps.

As I said, I have no intention of writing to OW, was just interested in what members of the board would say to someone who has no regret that she had an affair with your H or your W.

In fact I am talking about OW's who deliberately set out to have an affair with someone they know has been married for years. My OW did this. . she was having problems in her marriage and set out to have an affair and chose my H to have it with. I would like to know what members of the board would say to someone like that who has no concience and absolutely no regrets about having an A with your H or W. I am talking about a letter that would never be sent.

I don't know the order I would put these thoughts into - but the letter would include:

I am sorry that you think so little of yourself to allow yourself to have an A with a MM. Aren't you and your gift of love worth more than that???

Even though you have "stepped into my life" - I will not step into yours. I will not destroy you, your marriage, your children's lives. I could but I won't...You have already done that all on your own..

I have every right to call your BS - becoz you have no problem calling mine...

Did you really believe everything he said about me??? Please - you should have told him "get a divorce then call me"...

You are not the only MOW that WH is involved with...you are 1 of many...

You want him, you want my lifestyle - fine you can have him after I'm done squeezing every last penny out of him.

Once you have him - it won't be long that you too will be writting this same type of letter..

I hope he's better in the sack w/you than he's ever been w/me..

When he tells you he's golfing, has a meeting, etc. sorry he can't sneak away - rest assured he's yet with another MOW...The only meeting he has is in a hotel room..

You have no idea who this man really is - it took me 12 years to figure him out and look what have found..A man w/no self-respect, no dignity, no honesty, who is incapable of true intimacy and a deep committment to love.

He needs help to resolve his intimacy issues rather than jumping from 1 A to another..

I still love this man very deeply, but have learnt that I can no longer allow him to make an A## out of me in our community, business, family/friendships. I have removed my wedding ring as I am no longer proud to be married to a man who choices to sleep w/MOW, lie, cheat - but put on a false front to those who care about him. This man is the master of deception...

I would say it is not worth it.
I did ...
OW sent me a letter ... and I answered her back. I wrote everything I felt at that moment ... originally I was not going to send it but then she made a comment to xH, which he told me probably to cause a stir between us ... and I sent it ... yeah, I took the bite ...
What I wrote?
I started telling her that in what world was I the one making thing difficults ... it was not my decision to have an A with a married man, it was not my decision to destroyed a marriage, it was not my decision to have a child with a married man ...
I told her that xH did not need to have a relationship with me to have a relationship with DD. I was not the one saying that she and OC were a package and that he was not going to be the father of her kid without having something with her. I was not the one playing games or using her kid as a personal toy (that was what she said to me).
I told her that I did have to work 40 hours a week to bring food to my table, to support DD, to pay bills and that I needed the CS money. (response to a comment that I did not needed CS because I have a good job and she doesn't)
I told her that she was lucky to have her family close to her, she was lucky to leave OC with her parents, that she did not need to pay a lot of money for daycare so strangers can take care of OC.
I told her that she was the one that needed to get a life, act as an adult and move on, that I was not the one calling xH at all times because she had the need to control his life. (she also said in her letter that I was playing the victim.)
I wrote her more other things and in the end, in response to her comment on how do I look at myself in the mirror with the example I'm giving to my daughter ... yes, you read right ...the example I'm giving to my daughter!
I told her that when I look at myself in the mirror I see a strong woman that has gone through a lot without a choice ... that when the time comes I can explain my actions and decisions to my daughter knowing that I did the best I could without remorse or guilt.
Then to close the letter:
How do you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you destroyed a marriage persuing a fantasy? How do you look at yourself in the mirros after everything you've done to me and DD? How would you explain to OC that he is not the product of a happy and safe home but the product of an A with a married man? What exmaple are you ging to OC when you do not trust his father to be with him but yet you force him to have a relationship with the both of you?

did it feel good? Yes, it did. But I pour my heart out in the letter and I just gave her the power to know how much she has hurt me, how much damage she has done.
The sad truth is that neither of them, no OW no xH know or understand how painful this is ... and all the things that a BS has to deal with ...

My 2cents.

I wrote a letter. The A isn't done yet but I know what I wrote had an impact. My WH told me how I had "ruined" everything. He was quite angry. Good!

I think OP need to know that perhaps what they hear from their lover's mouth is just as foggy as what we hear. WS perception is that the marriage is all but over anyway so they are justified in cheating. OP needs to hear that you still love WS, children are affected and what other big guns you bring out.

In general, I don't think OP really care. To me, the biggest thing is that it allows BS to feel a little power and a little action. I'm not talking it sitting down. I'm fighting. I think it made me stronger.

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<small>[ January 25, 2005, 01:51 AM: Message edited by: *blondblossom* ]</small>

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<small>[ January 25, 2005, 01:52 AM: Message edited by: *blondblossom* ]</small>

Enid, you are reading my mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I am just composing a letter to OW as we speak! I am not sure that it will help. And it might hurt.

I am also thinking of sending her copies of the emails that I intercepted between WH and 1st OW that never turned physical. A few stats on the success of adulterous relationships. And whatever else I can say about her moral character, etc.

As the A is still ongoing because OW understands and listens to WH while I do not, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I will also send the letter on this site about what makes you different on something like that.

I have no problem with that. I have every intention of doing everything in my power to break this disgusting adultery up!

I am going to keep my eye on this thread to see about the feedback you get. It will help me decide what I should put in the letter, I think.

Edited for thinking faster than my typing

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>