I am reluctant to post this, because the STBX frequents this site. She calls it “Marriage Busters”.

Asking for your perceptions, or advice.
I’m afraid of doing the right thing,
or doing the wrong thing,
or even which is which.

As some of you know, my STBX has been making some overtures to me about reconciliation. However, her actions are completely contradictory. She says she wants to fix our marriage, but only tells me what I have to do. She still says OM is just a friend, denies that she did anything wrong, says that the OM had nothing to do with what happened. She still hangs out with her home-wrecking friends and family, who she seeks advice and support from. The same ones that enabled and encouraged her affair.

She has cheated, lied, and stolen. She threw me out of my house and separated me from my children … even so much as that I had to go to court last week to be able to see my kids over Christmas.

Anyway, I know I’m long winded. My STBX is projecting her own behavior on me. (I find that people who project their behavior justify their actions, by claiming “everybody does it.”) Her projection worries me because I read that as she still believes that what she did is justified and OK.

She is accusing me of having a girlfriend. She is accusing me of spending some time with this girlfriend next week. I have neither confirmed nor denied her. I simply do not answer her accusations. She says if I do not answer her and do not do what I’m told next week that it is over between us. DUH!!! We are getting a divorce! Has she forgotten all the things she said? I don’t know what the truth is coming from her mouth.

I am more given to believe she is worried that her steady-eddy (me) is moving on with his life after she destroyed it. I feel her OM is off having some fun and she is getting lonely on the holidays. As soon as the holidays are over she will go right back to her adulterous behaviors.

She is working now. I don’t think she likes it much, I think she thought after being divorced that she would still be a SAHM without a husband – so she could just spend her countless hours on the computer and phone with OM. I think she wants to go back to sitting on the couch while I work and she plays.

She has committed to nothing. Didn’t say she would do anything. She just keeps wanting stuff from me, she wants me to do things, but not her.

I guess what I want to know is should I believe her? The kids are worth it to me. She is not. This escapade has nearly financially ruined us – with nothing to show for it. She has been selfish and has given me only words, not actions.

Do I actually want to risk investing more time and money into her?

She says she wants to work on our marriage and go to counseling. I don’t know? I have serious doubts her commitment. She will flee as soon as it becomes difficult, she will stray as soon as she doesn’t like something.

I told her we could talk about it after the holidays. But she demands it be now. I am not in the mood to have anything demanded of me from her. She gives me nothing, and demands everything.

It’s kind of like that song … “This Love” too many times has she betrayed me to be able to trust her. And she thinks that I should just trust her. Threatens me that our M could never work unless I “trust” her.

OK, Am I missing an opportunity? Am I being babbled at? I’m afraid of her. Scared of her. She causes me nothing but pain.

Trust her?

OK...I am not giving advice--I'll leave that up to the experienced MB'ers. However, one thing struck me:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess what I want to know is should I believe her? The kids are worth it to me. She is not. This escapade has nearly financially ruined us – with nothing to show for it. She has been selfish and has given me only words, not actions.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you asked--then answered the question in one small paragraph.

Regardless, continued prayers.

Well, TJ..I can certainly understand your concern here.

Keep in mind that not only does your wife still babble, but she is consistently CRUEL to you.

When is your divorce due to be finalized? Do you have some time to waffle on this?

I know that if it were me, I would require that SHE find the counselor and one that you must both be happy with. SHE would have to set up all appointments and keep the ball rolling on that. SHE would have to not only get a physical examination by a doc (I truly think she's a bit unstable) but also enroll in IC for herself. I would continue to live apart with your current financial arrangements.

This is hard, TJ because we all know how incredibly cruel she's been. I feel that this is a matter of convenience to her and you're definitely seeing this yourself. That in itself is not necessarily a bad thing as long as you think it can eventually move beyond that. Remember that the goal of MB is not to stay married, but to have a marriage where you are both happy, sastisfied and fulfilled. Do you think that could ever happen? If so, what kind of things do you require from her right now?

Do not take the risk of opening your heart to her if you have any doubt about her seriousness.

I'd say you have a lot of doubts.

You're a safe harbor for your children right now. Continue to be that. It's better than returning yourself, and them, to that horror show you were in before.

GC

You asked:
"I guess what I want to know is should I believe her?"

I think that YES you should believe her.

I think you should believe her when she says this:
"She says she wants to fix our marriage, but only tells me what I have to do."

I think you should believe her about this:
"She has committed to nothing. Didn’t say she would do anything. She just keeps wanting stuff from me, she wants me to do things, but not her."

Take care, and find enjoyment in the holidays <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tom,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She still hangs out with her home-wrecking friends and family, who she seeks advice and support from. The same ones that enabled and encouraged her affair.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know about the answer to your question. But I see this as a real problem. As long as she is hanging out with a crowd that supported her behaivor and undermined your family she will be trouble for you.

A real friend would never encourage someone to cheat and lie. Unless they also were cheaters and liars. Just like drug addicts and alcoholics encourage other people to join them in their actions. Your wife's friends are probably also cheaters, and wayward spouses. I would bet on it.

This is what ended my marriage. WW would not stop cavorting with the bad crowd. Got her to keep doing drugs and told her that cheating is no big deal.

Can you trust her?
Not as long as she puts more value on her friends than on you and your children.

I agree with everyone else. MaddyK's reply was especially well put so I have nothing really to add to that , Greycloud too. Well, Pep was pretty succinct in her question to you, and you already know the you answer.

All the best, TJ.

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

TJ,

Follow her actions, not her words.

Her actions indicate that nothing has changed.

Good Luck,
Ethan

TJ, TJ, TJ....
I think you already know the answers to your questions...you already know how evil your stbxw can be..and did you say she's fighting you on seeing the kids on Christmas, and in the next breath wants counseling and reconciliation...??

Gonna be blunt TJ, she's missing the easy life you allowed her to live, she's getting a taste of her reality without you and she doesn't like it one bit...I suspect you are right on that what she wants back is the opportunity to be a sahm and the freedom to spend her time with OM...she's been so very cruel to you TJ and i know you are not cut out to be a doormat, don't let her continue to jerk you around...

Have a very Merry Christmas my friend

Tom - are you in Plan B?

If not, why not?

If so, refer all questions from her as being answered in your Plan B letter.

If she doesn't meet your Plan B conditions for reconciliation, allow the divorce to proceed.

I admit to not knowing most of the specifics in your sitch.

WAT

TJ,

Did I somehow get your password? I could have written 90% of your post based upon my situation. I say the others are right. You already know the answers to your questions. If you are going to believe her I would tread very cautiously. I would do as WAT suggested. Set your stipulations and expect her to meet those if she really wants you to start working on your M again.

Although, and I am sounding Lemonman-ish here, please take my advice with a grain of salt as I obviously failed at my MB principles since I am now in plan D so I may not be the best to give advice.

MIF

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 07:33 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

TJ, I just emailed you. Check when you can, ok?

Well, STBX called and emailed today tellig me she was calling her attny tomorrow morning and wanted to hurry the divorce along as fast as possible.

Yep.

TJ,

You can see what she does. Her actions don't match her words.

I can see how you are scared of going back to that. She can't make up her mind and stick with it, how could she ever stick with a recovery plan when she waffles on wanting to repair the damage she's done to your marriage.

Just watch and see if she really wants to make her actions match her words. I would do nothing until then.

Have a merry christmas.

Yes, she wants to hurry the divorce along as soon it can be finalized.

She wants to reconcile one minute and wants a divorce the next, and then it starts all over again.

But I'm in no mood for it. My love bank for her only has change left in it. And she is trying to get that out too.

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Get my email?

Maddy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, TY.

I'll try to get back this evening. I have the kids and they are keeping me busy busy busy. But I'm loving it too.

STBX phones and tries to disrupt us when we are together. She never ever calls when she has the kids. Only when I do. WTF.