As most of you who have read my pathetic threads are aware, I am out of the house for 2 months and working on plan A.

I drove past my house last night and my WW was tgere with her OM. She tells me it is not a relationship, but how stupid does she think I am.

How long does a good Plan A last? I am in IC and learning alot, but she is LBing at every chance. I did not get mad last night, I told her I was very hurt by this and I did not know what to do.

Am I past plan A or do I keep plugging along. She says she is unable to give me more than 50% of her right now. I have fear hurt and anger. What next?

If you are out of house you may want to plan b. How long have you plan a'd? I have read plan a should be 3-6 months tops.

But let me say that I went from plan a to plan d, so you may want to get a second opinion before you follow my advice.

MIF

Alan - first things first: when are you moving back in?

WAT

WAT, forst off she is unwilling to let me move back in.She says she needs to find herself first!

MIF, I have been working on plan A for about a month now. My first trys were very poor, full of LB's.I can say now it has been two very good weeks for me and no LB's. Her big one is anger, and this A has made me very angry.

She is moving offices not to get away from her OM but for a opprotunity, so I think that is good. Plan A still just dont know what to do now. Her OM is still around.

Why are you letting her dictate where you live? If she is having the A, she needs to feel the full consequences of her actions. If she needs to find herself, then she needs to move out to do this. You need to be in your home with your children. Were they there when OM was there last night? She has lost her rights to tell you where you can live. You need to move back into your house now and stop enabling the A by doing what she wants.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong>she is unwilling to let me move back in</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She may have no choice.

Pardon me if you already explained this previously, but what are the legal arrangements? Do you have a legal separation that says you will move out/stay out?

If not, who is the legal occupant of your house? Do you own it jointly, one of you own it, or rent it? If you rent it, whose name is on the lease?

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong>Her big one is anger, and this A has made me very angry.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hear that. I did some things due to my anger that I never dreamed I would do. I was becoming a person I didn't like, so how would my STXW like me? Now I have seemed to let it go, but then again I have switched gears and am moving on with a D.

Good luck to you

MIF

Kloe72,
I will admit I am afraid to move back in. Yes my kids were home when the OM was at my house. He even called the cops on me when I showed up.

I am afraid that by moving back in I will do nothing but anger my WW to the point we wont have a chance at recovery.

I am very weak at this and I am torn all the time. I am aware that she is lying to me, but I dont know how to present to her I am moving back into the house in a way she will accept it.

OK, Alan - if you won't do this (move back in), there may not be much more we can advise you to do.

Of course she'll be mad!

Just do it.

Let her get so mad that she moves out. Then go to Plan B.

WAT

She won't accept it. By you moving back home, you will be putting a crimp in her A. Accept that she will be mad and angry, and know if you don't reconcile it will NOT be because you moved back home. She may use this excuse, but it is just an excuse not the truth. The problem in your M is her A and OM, NOT you moving home. By accomidating her wishes, you are enabling the A. Tell her you are moving back to YOUR home because it is in the best interest of YOUR family. It will be hard, but you need to find the strength for your children.

Is there a restraining order against you? Why would OM call the cops when you show up at YOUR house?

Thank you all.

Worthatry, I own the house, she is not on title at all. We do not have a legal seperation I just did as she told me as it was my anger not her A that has caused the seperation so she says.

What is the best way to approach moving back in?

Kloe72,

Her OM called the cops as he said he was afraid for my WW's safty? I do not have any restraining orders against me. I just have stupidity on my side.

Oh my gosh,

Your wife is having an affair, the OM is over at your home with the children present, you allow your wife to move you out and you are afraid to make her mad by moving back in? I am sorry but you are weak and your wife surely perceives you as weak. Get real. She is screwing another guy and he is over at your home with your children present and you move out? What is wrong with this picture?

Apparently there are absolutely no consequences to your wife's actions. If you act pathetic this is exactly the way your wife will treat you. Inform her that you are moving back in and tell her she should leave if she does not like it. Please contact a lawyer right away to understand your legal rights and obligations. If you do not stand up for your respect and rights then who will?
From her point of view why would she wish to stay with a spouse that allows himself to be kicked out of his own home while she has an affair and allows the OM to be in her home with the children?
She now knows she can do anything to you and you will be like a little puppy dog willing to accept every type of disrespect and humiliation she throws at you. I do not wish to be mean but you must stand up for yourself. What kind of message are you giving your children? Stand up to her and do it now and move back to your home and see a lawyer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong>What is the best way to approach moving back in? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Show up and say, "Honey, I'm home!"

As kloe says, she will rant and rave and accuse you of all the world's problems.

Just smile, grab the newspaper, sit in your favorite chair, and ignore her.

Oh yea, DO drink the OM's beer in the frig.

Do it before Christmas so you'll be with your kids.

Then, when OM comes calling, call the cops on HIM for trespassing!

WAT

Anytime you begin a sentence with "I'm afraid that..." make the realization you are lessening your chance of recovery.

You must be willing to make bold moves and be willing to look your WW's anger in the eye ... otherwise ... What are you teaching your children?

Pep

Will this help her come out of the fog?

Do I do plan A while I am back in the house?

Stupid questions, thanks for the help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do I do plan A while I am back in the house?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Getting back into the house is a part of plan A. Plan A does NOT mean your WW is never angry at you.

Plan A means you try and meet as many of her legitimate needs as possible while at the same time making bold moves to end the affair.

Expose the affair to the important friends/family/co-workers.

Do not enable the affair ---> like moving out of your house ( incorrect move ) ---> which allowed her affair to be much more comfortable for her.

Plan A means you behave in respectful marriage-friendly ways while at the same time creating an environment less friendly to the affair.

Pep

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pepperband,
Thanks, and I do know this stuff, I am just having a hard time putting my plan into action. I hope I am not the only person who had a hard time with this.

Right now I have my kids with me and I am loving every second of it. I called my WW and asked her if it was ok for me to come home for the holidays, she said that would be great.

I am using that as my foot in the door. Is that a sound plan?

I know she will be angry, she keeps on calling her Om just a friend and that I dont understand. I think I have a plan, what do you think?

alank,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am afraid that by moving back in I will do nothing but anger my WW to the point we wont have a chance at recovery </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I used to be afraid of angering my wife. I thought it was LB (wrong!). Then one day I looked at her when she was spouting a lot of crap and realized that she wasn't an angry adult; she was an angry child, and a WW to boot. Epiphany! After that I started concentrating on holding my chin up and looking her straight in the eye when she started up. Worked wonders!

Also, keep in mind, they don't stay mad forever.