Native00

You are so right.

I love and hurt at the same time. I would rather just the love.. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Yup I'm right there with you bud.

I've been trying to get over the hurt, I'm starting to get there. Although that is scary in itself.

Native.

How about this hurt. My WW called me to stop by tonight and chat. This was about 30 mins ago. She just called back to change plans as a visitor is stopping by.

Thanks for the hurt...love you too.

.........and you guys doubt the alien abduction theory? Got a better explanation?

Alan - yes, go to the movie. You're in Plan A, right? Take every opportunity to show her the new and improved Alan. Plan B is when you stop doing this.

This does not mean you shouldn't be somewhat aloof during Plan A at times. A taste of playing "hard to get." Just be subtle and careful.

WAT

Thanks Worthatry,

you are right, I will see the movie and perhaps be a bit standoffish at the same time.

Some days I think the fog is lifting, I thought that this morning as my WW asked me questions about the intentions of her OM.

She wanted to know why he does things, why he treats her the way he does. I was honest with her, no LB's but I dont know if I got throught to her.

What he is thinking? Why he treats her that way? How should you know how an, unhonorable, scumbag thinks? I don't know how I'd answer those questions.

Native

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong>She wanted to know why he does things, why he treats her the way he does.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any answer you give her should include references to his selfishness and poor judgement and not having her best interests at heart.

But ya gotta be careful to not come across too critical about him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> - if you can. Answer these type questions from the standpoint that YOU know how to treat her the right way.

WAT

I put myself in his position to try and answer these questions as best I could.

My WW has said this is nothing more than a friend, sure we had an A but now we are just friends, I tried as best as I could to get her to step outside the situation and tell me, do you see a friendship or something more?

If I told you this was just a friend of mine, and I was in the exact situation, would you think we were just friends? She said no, she said she understands what I said. I was very nice about it, no LB's.

I just tried to get her to see the situation. I think she did, yet now she seems depresed.

Good job! You've made her see the light of the situation, so now she is depressed, guilty. Probably normal stuff for a WW.

You handled the sitch well.

Native

Thanks Native00

I am trying as best I can. Now that her OM is gone for a week perhaps we will have a chance to build on us? Slow and steady I guess. I pray she does understand the situation better, I just hope she can let go...

Alan,

Just be ready for the rollercoaster ride - up and down, whee! ain't this fun.

They go back and forth - in the fog, out of the fog and it can really hurt.

Once, when I we were separated and I wasn't answering the phone when she called, my wife came over and we sat in front of the house and talked for a long time. She seemed kind of depressed and I told her she seemed kind of down. She said, "You were right - he's not really my friend." I played it cool but inside I was like "YES!". Then the next day she was back in the fog again.

Legato,

I understand what you are saying about the fog. She just told me 10 mins ago that she feels she is being used by her OM. She is aware of the situation but carries on. I don't know why it is so hard for her to break free?

I had the feeling inside of "YES" "WOW" she understands, but back to fog..

This is one heck of a ride.

This is where my WW is at today.

She is upset with her OM for many things yet it lasts for a day at the most! She understands he is not wanting a full blown relationship with my WW and our DD's.

She is very confused about a sitch last night. Her OM came by with a X-Mass gift, yet called her about a block from our house to ask what I was driving as he thinks he saw me in the area. She was upset at the way he acted, he wanted to get out of the sitch as fast as he could. She doesn't understand why, why did he drive all this way to give her a gift then act that way?

To me it was simple, he was afraid of running into me. He is aware he is in the wrong with what he is doing, he has fear of seeing me, fairly simple don't you think?

This realy has her bothered, I tried to explain his actions, it seems she understands but she is hurt. I think that may be a good sign, yet I am unsure. She knows he is a no good low life treats women like dirt guy, yet her fog won't lift all the way.

No LB on my part, just understanding and a safe place to talk. Hope I am right on this.

Just caught up with your story.

Glad to see you are back in the house.

Part of Plan A is to cut out ALL LB's...it is not OK to LB and then apologize for it later...cut them ALL out.

But on the other hand, just because she gets mad, does not mean you have LBed...it is her guilt talking. It also doesn't mean that you have to listen to her ranting...

Part o Plan A is fulfilling EN's...be sweet, sweet, sweet, but not put up with her cr%p. If she starts ranting on the phone, very politely top her and say, "I have to stop you here and get off the phone, I'm not sure anything we say to each other will be helpful, I'll talk with youi later." Also, if she feels the need to share ANYTHING about the OM to you, say "It hurts to hear anything about his other man in your life, I don't want to hear anything aobut him right now."

Practice a speech you can say, write it down if you have to, say the same thing every time these situations arise.

I do NOT beleive in keeping your distance in Plan A. If you are going to Plan A, do it ALL THE WAY. Show her what kind of an R she could return to, not a M with a person only halfway there. If she feels compelled to talk with you, call you, ask advice, meet with you, date her...do it. But you are NOT her friend in this, youi are her H, and shouldn't be expected to hear ANYTHING about the OM, you don't ask for.

Then when you feel you have given her a taste of what M she could lose, and you are losing your love for her, you Plan B. If she moves out, that would be a good time for Plan B. That means...no more phone calls, emails, contact with you whatsoever. It can become very lonely for her...as it should.

Be careful Alan, this could be a delicate time.

Best thing for you to do: nothing. Just watch. By trying to speed things up you may screw them up. Patience, time, consistency.

It's good she's wondering aloud about all this. Just listen. Be available. Time is on your side. If she asks questions, validate her feelings. Tell her you know it all must be so confusing.

WAT

WAT, I am trying the I understand this must be hard for you right now.

I am trying to listen all I can and I would like to be with her as much as I can while her OM is gone. She has invited me out tonight with her and our 2DD's to a movie and dinner, and plans for new years eve.
Looking for the best.

My WW just called, I think we are talking a bit much, I don't know for sure, she was cold as ice to me! Perhaps this is the start of missing her OM?

Don't know for sure what is going through her mind, going slow and steady, meeting her and my kids for a movie in about two hours. Wish me luck...

Off to see the WW and kids, movie night.

I hope for the best.

Movie night was great! Spent time with the WW and the kids.

Things went so well my WW and I opened a bottle of wine just to spend more time together. Then of course I asked a question in which my tone sounded like I was attacking my WW. It was a question in regards to her OM and a gift he had given her and if she had exchanged it. I guess it was a big LB.

She told me she is so very tired of dealing with all this, she just wants it to go away, at least have a few days without talk about it. She said she was not trying to push my feelings under the carpet, but could I please understand this is hard for her as well.

She is moving offices to end her contact with her OM, and I belive she is sincer about ending it with him as she has said many times he is a real jerk. I have not spoken to her today, although we were going to see a movie tonight, just us and no kids. Do I call and apologize?

I am unsure of what to do.

I love my life, like lego something new everyday!

Good job, Alan!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong>She said she was not trying to push my feelings under the carpet, but could I please understand this is hard for her as well.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This could be a very honest statement from her. We KNOW that it's hard on WSs if they are really trying to break free. Some of them claim it's hard throughout, but that's another topic.

I think you have a real shot, Alan. Take your time and don't bring up OM whatsoever. This is not about him. Just keep your eyes and ears open for evidence of contact.

Ultimately, NC will require a job change for either her or OM.

Please refresh my memory > what is their employment relationship? What work place exposure has occured? Is OM married and, if so, has his wife been informed?

WAT