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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:

Example--while I was having the Affair, my son and his wife were separated and she had an affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . We were talking about it, my husband and I and my older girls, and I said, with so much conviction in my voice, "She is not worthy of him anymore, he should not take her back"! I believed this while I was saying it.
While I was the affair, I completely detached myself from reality. It was like I had two personalities. It was weird!!!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta,

I did not want to threadjack TOS's thread but I couldn't help but notice that your DIL had an affair. How is your son and W doing?

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TMCM--- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Well, my son and his wife have been separated for well over a year now. She is doing her masters in London and he currently lives in California. They are going to get divorced.!!!
Let me explain a bit here. About two years ago, he was in one of the "valleys" of marriage and he thought he did not love her anymore. He told her, "I dont love you, I dont feel attracted to you,etc,etc". He hurt her big time!!! My husband and I tried to explain to him that these were normal things, that it would pass, but he did not listened. His wife lost a lot of weight, and suffered a lot, but he did not go back. Well, 8 months or so down the road, he realized that the "grass was not greener after all" and he wanted her back, but it was already too late. She had been involved with another young man, and she was completely detached from my son.

So now, almost two years later, he wants her back and wants to recover his "lost marriage" but now she does not want HIM back!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . They had not seen each other for like 6 months now. He is coming to our home tomorrow for Christmas with us. And she is in this area too with her mom, so they will see each other again. They talk all the time on the computer and they e-mail each other, but she says that they are only friends!
She is in another relationship now . My son has dated several girls but according to him, his soon to be ex is the Best!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .

Do you think there could be hope still for them? She has not put the divorce papers to him or viceversa.

Thanks for asking TMCM

Myrta

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Myrta, I have to add something here:

Our son married his adolescence GF just like I did. Then years later he felt he was not in love anymore. However, HE WAS NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR! I say this because this is somehow implied in Myrta’s post. My son has said many times in a rather forceful manner that he despises cheaters. In fact, this was something that made Myrta feel bad, as he would often say this not knowing that his mom had an affair.

My wife and I strongly encouraged our son to work on the marriage. However, he was adamant and said he did not have feelings for his wife anymore and therefore the honorable thing to do was to get a divorce before exploring a relationship with someone else.

They finally separated and my son started to date other women and soon realized the grass is not always greener in the other side of the fence. His wife was distraught, but eventually started to date and it seems she had a highly emotional relationship with another man and was not receptive to my son when he attempted to come back to her. At that time I explained to my son that he had basically drained her love bank and that now someone else was filling that role. My son is now very sorry for what he did. However, he did not cheat on his wife. He was very upfront about everything.

It is painful to see the kids suffer, but that is life!

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Stanley & Myrta (I refuse to use S&M),

Not to change to subject too much; but, in an earlier post there was mention of the FOM trying to get friendly with Myrta's family. Is that still going on? If you stoped it, how did you do it?

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: RAG ]</small>

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Stanley & Myrta (I refuse to use S&M),

Not to change to subject too much; but, in an earlier post there was mention of the FOM trying to get friendly with Myrta's family. Is that still going on? If you stoped it, how did you do it?

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OM is up to something. Recently he invited two of my daughters to a chat room when he was on line. Then, he would not say a word.

My very own wife introduced OM to my daughters during the affair, so he knows them. I still don't know why my wife introduced OM to the daughters. That is one of the great mysteries in this ordeal. They even went to dinner together. I guess my wife wanted to see OM when the daughters were with her. I have no other explanation. Retrospectively this was a very bad idea. If I had a lover, the last thing I would do would be to introduce her to my kids.

OM has also gotten into the habit of calling my wife’s mother. Yeah, Myrta also introduced OM to her mother. OM also went to see Myrta’s mom and personally delivered a gift for my wife (her birthday). He also had lunch with Myrta’s brother and offered a job to Myrta’s nephew. All of this activity after my wife went NC with OM. My feeling is that he may be thinking about outing the affair to my wife’s family. Of course, Myrta’s mom is very old and has no clue as to why OM brings presents to my wife. Luckily, I don’t think Myrta’s family and my kids suspect anything because OM is not the type of man they imagine Myrta would want to associate with. In other words, they would make a very odd couple.

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: Stan-ley ]</small>

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It reads like you should keep an eye on the situation.

I just thought: How about a letter to FOM regarding NC between your families and him?

He seems too much like a snake in the grass for you to not be concerned about the reasons for his actions.

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Myrta and Stan-ley,

Thank you for the clarification and I am so sorry that your son is going through this ordeal you have gone through in his young life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stan-ley:

However, HE WAS NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR! I say this because this is somehow implied in Myrta’s post. My son has said many times in a rather forceful manner that he despises cheaters.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stan-ley please don't take this the wrong way because the fact is that many cheaters also despised cheaters before they became cheaters themselves. I'm not implying that your son had an affair, but the fact that he started dating while still being married to your DIL is not exactly faithful behavior on his part, I say this because the ultimate purpose of dating is to find someone special to form a much more permanent and committed relationship. What would have happened if he did find 'a grass is greener' OP like your DIL? I hope that you can talk to him and explain that just because a man is separated from his W doesn't give him permission to go out with other women and that for someone who has expressed an abhorrence for cheaters, he certainly has been indulging in questionable behavior for a married man.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stan-ley please don't take this the wrong way because the fact is that many cheaters also despised cheaters before they became cheaters themselves.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are correct. Myrta was indignant when she found out OM was two-timing her. In fact, that was the last drop that overflowed the glass and she decided to finally to go into permanent NC. She then told OM she was staying married because I was not a cheater. OM had also cheated on his wife when he was married and was actually hurt by this comment. As to why he was hurt----- I am not sure.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">for someone who has expressed an abhorrence for cheaters, he certainly has been indulging in questionable behavior for a married man. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You make an excellent point. Perhaps my son is saying the same thing Myrta said. IN any event he firmly denied he had been unfaithful when they were TOGETHER. However, my son believed it was OK to date once they were formally separated. Nevertheless, I agree, he is still married to his wife. He is now paying for his mistake. I think he completely depleted the love bank of his wife.

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Myrta and Stan-ley,

I am pleased that you are not doing what many parents do when their child does something wrong and try to justify it 'til the ends of the Earth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta was indignant when she found out OM was two-timing her. In fact, that was the last drop that overflowed the glass and she decided to finally to go into permanent NC. She then told OM she was staying married because I was not a cheater.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although that wasn't exactly my point when I said 'many cheaters also despised cheaters before they became cheaters themselves', you make an excellent observation that the some WS don't realize what they have done to the BS until they themselves get betrayed by the OP.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM had also cheated on his wife when he was married and was actually hurt by this comment. As to why he was hurt----- I am not sure.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe because as self-delusional as he tries to be, the truth still hurts.

Going back to your son, have you and Myrta directed him to the MB forum and Dr Harley's books?

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe because as self-delusional as he tries to be, the truth still hurts.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He was delusional, there is no doubt. In fact, he is still delusional. In any event this was a major LB from my wife’s part and as far as I know he has not tried to make contact again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Going back to your son, have you and Myrta directed him to the MB forum and Dr Harley's books?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he comes to the forum he may find out about the affair. However, I have mention to him about MB principles every time I talk to him.

I also advised him that if there is no chance of reconciliation he should go on permanent NC and get a divorce. However, the wife emails and calls s a lot and IMO he may be in withdrawal forever if he continues to do this dance with no chance of reconciliation. Myrta and I have advised him quite a bit. We never supported his actions and now it is almost one of those “I told you so”.

It is likely that he will see his wife again on Xmas eve. We will see how it goes. However, they would have a long road ahead of them if they get back together. They both had relationships with others, ect. I will never understand why folks do this to themselves!

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Stan-ley ]</small>

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Myrta and Stan-ley,

I beleive that if both of you give him Dr Harley's books as Christmass gifts [or after Christmass gifts], you'd be giving him one of the best presents in his life and would open his eyes as to the best way to either save/rebuild his marriage or moving on with his life without any regrets. Please give this some very serious thought.

TMCM


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